Comments on Mapless: Amateur Therapy Hour

Erin, I've been thinking about that word "Invalida...

2009-01-14T10:45:00.000-08:00

Erin, I've been thinking about that word "Invalidated". That word has been written accross my spirit too. Along with insecure and insignificant. Now they are written accross a page in my journal with a big X over them.

I'm a believer in identifying the lies that have been written accross our spirit from life's circumstances and holding them up to the light. It is through this that we find healing.

I want to give you some words that I believe do belong on your spirit.

Encourager
Compassionate
Sensitive
Insightful
Witty
Humorous
Just
Humble

Yeah,

A listening ear and a shoulder to cry...

2009-01-11T12:01:00.000-08:00

Yeah,

A listening ear and a shoulder to cry on are so valuable.

Validation is a huge part of it, Mary. Or not even...

2009-01-11T11:40:00.000-08:00

Validation is a huge part of it, Mary. Or not even to have someone tell me I'm OK, but just to NOT tell me that I'm wrong for feeling however I do...or for what I've been through or the choices I made. Does that make sense?

I know I'm joining late. You've had a lot of grea...

2009-01-11T08:58:00.000-08:00

I know I'm joining late. You've had a lot of great comments! I could only add that perhaps part of the disconnect you feel is a defensive mechanism against the invalidation you've experienced. Sometimes it's easier in the moment to "not go there" than it is to "go there" and get your very essence invalidated - again, even by well-meaning people.

At least that's my experience. It's very, very hard for me to open up about my pain until I really, really, really trust someone. They've had to earn that trust through time. I don't know if that's fair to them, but it is what it is.

Also, for me, when I open up, I'm not looking to be fixed, but to have my feelings and experiences validated - to have who I am validated and accepted so that I can work through the pain. Finding someone like that, who will walk with me on this journey for years without being paid, is priceless.

I'm praying for you.

Nate - I do wonder about the expectations...I am n...

2009-01-08T23:01:00.000-08:00

Nate - I do wonder about the expectations...I am not sure how to go about it or whether there maybe is a balance somewhere that says some expectations are ok...or maybe it's just listening to the Spirit TELL us what expectations to have...then we'll never be let down. I'm not sure...

Thanks for the unconditional approval and the compliment...cool thing.

Mike - I'm sure I have said the same thing somewhe...

2009-01-08T22:59:00.000-08:00

Mike - I'm sure I have said the same thing somewhere, but I can't find it. We don't have to be better, not one bit, or else Jesus was irrelevant. If he can't do what he said he was doing by dying, then there wasn't any point, was there? So either I have to believe that he really was finished, or...well, what?

Oh baby, you are perfect to me just the way you ar...

2009-01-08T21:32:00.000-08:00

Oh baby, you are perfect to me just the way you are. I was thinking how incredibly talented of a writer you are, reading the post before this one.

Here is my psycho babble for you:
Happiness is when your expectations are met or are achieved. If you have no expectations, then happiness would follow.

Just thought that up, don't know if it is true though.

"Falling ~ The New Normal". I love it...sounds li...

2009-01-08T17:12:00.000-08:00

"Falling ~ The New Normal". I love it...sounds like a post. Like I said here,

"Additionally, and this has been the hardest belief for me to shed, you don’t have to be any better than you are now. God loves you “the way you are”; fears, flaws and stupid crap all included. It is all part of his plan. I have to trust in that otherwise what’s the purpose for even bothering with it. If I can’t trust that God loves me even though I’m a fuck up, then what’s the purpose in believing in God"

Lou - you sound a lot like me... I very much relat...

2009-01-07T21:10:00.000-08:00

Lou - you sound a lot like me... I very much relate to what you said. I think writing about it is definitely therapeutic, whether online or in private or both. I also struggle to express my feelings, working on that.

I agree that the past needs to be delt with and fo...

2009-01-07T21:02:00.000-08:00

I agree that the past needs to be delt with and for me that has ment some months of councelling where I learnt to express my feelings as they were and not pretend I was alright got to have a mock trail where I accused my former leaders and say whey they hurt me and learn not to be a door matt in general- Also my phychologist helped me to see why it was I was so attracted to this type of leadership in the first place. She wanted me to start a diary but instead I started to blog- whcih has been wonderful and the most healing thing of all!

Lou, I hear ya. My experience said that God could ...

2009-01-07T09:46:00.000-08:00

Lou, I hear ya. My experience said that God could and would heal me. When he didn't, I began looking for what I was doing wrong, what he was teaching me or disciplining me for, or whatever reason he hadn't healed me. This led to severe depression, because it seemed everyone around me was being healed and I wasn't. God must not love me as much as others...yadda yadda...seriously devastating thought process there.

I agree that we will never be whole, but I think maybe the past does need to be dealt with, too.

Dear Erin,
I often feel the same as you do- lik...

2009-01-06T22:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Erin,
I often feel the same as you do- like I am in a deep dark chasm and cant get out.
I came from that branch on christianity that said that sadness was a sin and that you should always be joyful. So am continuously feeling guilty for feeling sad which just perpetuates the feelings
I have learnt however that God does not expect us to be happy or together or whole he just wants us warts and all and it is the only thing that keeps me going day to day and that he is always there even when I am an angry blob who shouts and swears and curses at him ther He is wainting quietly with love. Psalm 102 was all I could pray for a long time.
In the end I dont think it is possible for us to be whole in this life its just to full of pot holes for us to fall into.

Thanks Hap! I'm sure you're right. I appreciate th...

2009-01-06T20:16:00.000-08:00

Thanks Hap! I'm sure you're right. I appreciate the love and encouragement.

p.s. if you have iTunes, there's a song by Rita S...

2009-01-06T13:35:00.000-08:00

p.s. if you have iTunes, there's a song by Rita Springer called "Worth It All" - I believe it's on an album called "Effortless." You should look it up. :)

Hey, Erin...

So I've been reading and re-re...

2009-01-06T13:32:00.000-08:00

Hey, Erin...

So I've been reading and re-reading your post and all the comments for two days now, and trying - and failing - to find words to express how much my heart goes out to you. So I guess for now I just want to say that yes, I am still here, and I'm not going anywhere - I love you tremendously and am praying for you often - and I believe that a year from now you will look back on this season and be amazed at the healing God has done in you. Keep on keeping on, my friend. Peace be the journey...

love,
Hap

Ruth - Yes my upbringing was similar. I think the ...

2009-01-06T08:02:00.000-08:00

Ruth - Yes my upbringing was similar. I think the root lies somewhere in my being a firstborn of 4, compliant and meek and quiet. The secondborn was a firecracker by every definition, so I quickly got lost in the shuffle. By the time 3 and 4 came along...I had faded into the woodwork...and there are almost 12 years between myself and my youngest sibling...so when he was born I was in a very significant place in life and had a mother who had no time. I think there just wasn't enough blessing and meaningful touch to go around, and I was the oldest so I sacrificed more of it because the younger kids needed it more. Mom didn't really have time to listen to me or be there for me through puberty an adolescence...and I was pushed aside over and over for a crying baby or something...when I brought it up I was told not to be dramatic and I don't really have it that bad. Invalidated, really. But I don't blame mom, she did her best, it was just a situation that I still haven't resolved all these years later. It created a cycle in me of being sure I'm not important and no one wants to listen to me. Because I wasn't a fighter in spirit, I just let things go...not knowing how it would impact me later.

So there's a book for you! But you were on the right track, for sure. It's like Ally Sheedy in the Breakfast Club..."they ignore me".

I really identify with you Erin. I wonder sometime...

2009-01-05T15:11:00.000-08:00

I really identify with you Erin. I wonder sometimes how similar our upbringing has been. 80's Child...nice Christian family...religious rules but for the most part good and fair parents. That's me. Is that you?

What you said here resonates with me:

"It is this pain that caused everything bad in my life...the pain I have known since early childhood...but I don't know where it came from"

Could it be that your pain like mine has roots in withholding? Being raised in a family and culture where words of blessing and meaningful touch are not doled out in large amounts?

I heard once that withholding is an invisible toxin in a home. It's not overtly detectable but it causes damage.

These are just some thoughts that run through my head. I am praying that the Lord will lead you to the right resources for your inner healing. It seems you are already well into that journey.

Amen to that. Sometimes I do think I would be bett...

2009-01-05T13:57:00.000-08:00

Amen to that. Sometimes I do think I would be better off if I spent at least 3 months a year somewhere else...and that's only half a dream. Randy and I talk about moving south...but uprooting the kids from all the family would be cruel. However, one day the kid will grow up...

Thanks for the encouragement...I am in a good place because I am not afraid to heal anymore. Not to say it will ever be perfect, but I want to get over the sense that I'm useless as a person. I've been told my entire life that I won't amount to much because I have no real talent or skill...other than listening to people and writing (both of which are difficult to have any measurable success at)...and it's time to get over that and find some purpose.

Probably the biggest thing I want to deal is the fear of "inflicting" myself on people, which has to do with a certain season in my life (and I'm genetically predisposed to that feeling).

e- i'm sorry i'm so late getting here. i think you...

2009-01-05T13:30:00.000-08:00

e- i'm sorry i'm so late getting here. i think you may be in a better place than you think. you're helping so many people here; i hope that means something to you. it may not help, but i hope it's meaningful. i wonder too if we're ever supposed to feel whole. it seems the few times i've thought i was on the brink the bottom fell out- as you know happened last year. but i have to say i don't think we were meant to live in the dirt in winter. we were meant to live in the Caribbean in winter.

I hear ya, Jim. I don't think it's paranoid.
<...

2009-01-05T11:31:00.000-08:00

I hear ya, Jim. I don't think it's paranoid.

When I was first diagnosed with Diabetes, I went back after 8 weeks for a checkup, and was frustrated and depressed. My Dr.s immediate reaction was to start talking about antidepressants...and I'm like, "Wait, I have just been diagnosed with a chronic illness...give me some time before you assume I just can't deal and want to medicate me for it". Maybe Dr's just think that is the course of action we are seeking when we are down...

As well, I hate side effects and I always get them all and badly...and I think maybe that should be a hint? The only thing I can take without side effects is ibuprofen...which unfortunately doesn't treat everything.

@Erin,

And I don't open up to my doctor any...

2009-01-05T11:06:00.000-08:00

@Erin,

And I don't open up to my doctor any more because every single thing I say he types right into a computer while listening to me, and somewhere that's going into a database, and some day if not today insurance companies will have access to that and decide to deny me coverage on something because of it. But that's just the paranoid technologist in me speaking.

Donna - when do you start school? This week is a l...

2009-01-05T11:05:00.000-08:00

Donna - when do you start school? This week is a little busy because the kids go back tomorrow and I have a lot of catching up to do after 3 weeks off. I could be free Wednesday or Friday around lunchtime...hopefully we can squeeze out a date before you get too busy!

And yes, I think if I wasn't in pain I wouldn't know who I was either...right or wrong, it's been the landscape of my life since grade school.

Stacy - Just to be clear I don't have a problem wi...

2009-01-05T11:01:00.000-08:00

Stacy - Just to be clear I don't have a problem with counselors as it were...I'm just not sure how well I would do with it. I have seen a couple, but never really been able to open up. It seems too...professional...and my inner all-together person hates to admit weakness to someone in a professional environment. I think I feel like they only care because they are paid to care, which doesn't work for me. Same with my Dr.s. It's weird but true.

Pain...if my insides didn't hurt, I don't think I ...

2009-01-05T07:48:00.000-08:00

Pain...if my insides didn't hurt, I don't think I would know who I was. Erin, I think this is part of the process, this soul pain that hurts, of becoming human. In the evangelical world being "human" isn't allowed...at least that was my experience and I think yours as well. Learning what to do and to accept that yes, depression is real, sadness is real and that it's not some sin that has brought it into our lives and that more scriptures and prayer time won't make it go away....I love you Erin! You aren't alone in this journey and you are indeed on a journey that although is painful at times isn't always so...hope we can talk this week!

oh I feel you again on this post, and on so many l...

2009-01-04T21:38:00.000-08:00

oh I feel you again on this post, and on so many levels. I giggled at the Calvinist discussion, as I swear that made me a little bit crazier when I was going through that part of my journey.

I can also identify with the aversion to the christian counseling thing, and that is what I have a degree in. :P Too bad I started to deconstruct before I could be fit into a mold that was not for me. :) I do see more of a benefit in the wisdom, love, and living out life that your friends can process than a session could offer.. The whole trust the process thing is one line that I do cling to, for me, and for you. xo Here to process anytime :O)