All of the above questions bring discontent. In another word, regret. Looking back at all the things that could have been, and finding today that those things will never again be.
Unfortunately, I don't have answers to those questions. I don't think anyone ever will. We can't go back and try again. I don't think anyone has any delusions of that. We all understand that the regrets, the unfulfilled dreams and the what-ifs are all a part of adulthood. It's a rare individual who has done and achieved all he has ever dreamed. We know this deeply, in our heart and soul. And we grow and mature from the pain those lost dreams have left in us.
Finding a 'spiritual center' is, in my mind, fundamental to countering the discontent we might find in midlife (and in other times of life, as well). Not necessarily a theist or deist center, but a concept of life greater than ourselves. it could be humanism, it could be panentheism. It could take countless other forms.
However, what if we cannot identify that spiritual center? How long do we wander before we give up finding that place that completes us, and settle for something less than? It's the tension between not having that center and unfulfilled dreams that can really shake us.
Religiously speaking, I have spent my life in "less than". I was convinced by "those in the know" that Christianity would complete me, it would fill those voids left behind by unfulfilled dreams, that it would cure my discontent. I heard countless biblical teachings on discontent, but couldn't ever find the place where God took over and I could let go of my dreams. He failed me, at least in that regard, if not in so many others.
The hopes I planted in my faith eventually drug me down. Those hopes nearly killed me, in more ways than one. In the end, those hopes haven't brought anything but disappointment. As I have shared before, I don't have THAT God. Either I'm doing something wrong or God isn't really who everyone says he is; he isn't who the bible says he is. I spent the better part of 30 years trying to make him be what everyone said he was, but he just, well, wasn't. It has taken six years of sorting through the disappointment and grief to find what truly lies underneath it all.
There is no longer any grief, only a sense of time wasted and wishing things had been different. I have sought but not found any center to replace the one I've lost. I have hoped that there could be some other center that would draw me in with it's gravity and find me a god to call mine. But I prance around the edges of commitment to anything, because everything I have tried hasn't fit. I used to know what size I wore, but it seems that I have grown. The further I explore, the more disheartened I become that there is any religious expression that would fill me. There are so very many options, but no right option. Yes, some would say I should simply choose something and stick to it, that options are our downfall. I say if it doesn't stick to the ribs of our soul, it's artificial and not worth the effort.
The hopes I planted in my faith eventually drug me down. Those hopes nearly killed me, in more ways than one. In the end, those hopes haven't brought anything but disappointment. As I have shared before, I don't have THAT God. Either I'm doing something wrong or God isn't really who everyone says he is; he isn't who the bible says he is. I spent the better part of 30 years trying to make him be what everyone said he was, but he just, well, wasn't. It has taken six years of sorting through the disappointment and grief to find what truly lies underneath it all.
There is no longer any grief, only a sense of time wasted and wishing things had been different. I have sought but not found any center to replace the one I've lost. I have hoped that there could be some other center that would draw me in with it's gravity and find me a god to call mine. But I prance around the edges of commitment to anything, because everything I have tried hasn't fit. I used to know what size I wore, but it seems that I have grown. The further I explore, the more disheartened I become that there is any religious expression that would fill me. There are so very many options, but no right option. Yes, some would say I should simply choose something and stick to it, that options are our downfall. I say if it doesn't stick to the ribs of our soul, it's artificial and not worth the effort.
Discontentment can drag into depression, or challenge us to seek the deeper remedy within ourselves. For myself, I know very much of my discontent comes from the lack of spiritual expression. I have been aware of this for the years since I left the church, but have not yet found the expression that fulfills me. Perhaps it doesn't exist, but I refuse to give up hope that I will find it. I know myself too well to believe that the spiritual part of myself must be buried because I cannot find a place to put it.
"I say if it doesn't stick to the ribs of our soul, it's artificial and not worth the effort."
ReplyDeleteOh, I agree. That's discernment, a good thing.
I can feel your pain. I just wish I could give you big round pill of encouragement to swallow that you will find it. I am so grateful that you refuse to bury that part of yourself because you cannot find a place to put it.
Painful stuff, eh. Have you just turned 40 or somethin'? :P
PS: Wanting to give you a big round pill of encouragement might sound a bit Christianese and blerk blerk, spit that one out. I don't have many of the answers myself, going through another crisis of faith. I guess it just feels easier to be able to see from my vantage point that you will find what you're looking for, easier than I can see my own :)
ReplyDeleteErin, you're outgrowing words, beliefs, concepts, dogma, illusions that worked for a while but no longer. You're seeing that Truth is more than all these things, yet includes the best of them. You're seeing that it can't be contained. Go with that into a much wider place. I'm convinced that this is what being 'born again' really means, and the actual process is tough - ask a new-born baby, or Paul of Tarsus - but boy, is it worth it:)
ReplyDeleteJust choosing something and sticking to it would be to deny your own nature, I think. You're not the kind of person who's satisfied with superficial or easy answers, and that's a strength you have.
ReplyDeleteWhat I will say, though, is that you should always go where the evidence leads you, as that is inevitably the path towards truth. Don't get too hung up on ideals.
I understand your meaning Sue. I wish us both to find what we are looking for, wherever that may be. I wish it was as easy as taking a pill. Unfortunately, taking a pill probably was my downfall (the RED pill).
ReplyDeleteAnd I would love to say this is just a midlife crisis, but it's been going on long enough now that I know it's my reality and not some temporary emotional nonsense. I have thought long and hard and deeply...and have ended up on the edge of nothing.
Hey Harry. Yes and no. I understand what you're saying and agree. However, I think I have spent the last years doing all that, and I think I may have come out the other side just now. I have worked every angle to be able to hold on to faith, I have tried everything I could think of. Just thinking it doesn't work anymore.
ReplyDeleteBut I reserve the right to change my mind, for sure.
Barry - Sometimes I really wish I could be satisfied with superficial answers. It would be easier. I have really tried to be that person, however unsuccessfully. But in the end, it's not really me.
ReplyDeleteHmm... that you should just "choose something and stick to it." That sounds like someone who has not explored the darker recesses of their own doubts and wishes you would just quit raising them. :-)
ReplyDeleteFor me, one of the answers has been to reject religion altogether and seek what is Truth. That can mean taking pieces from a variety of sources (something the charismatic teachers frown and wag their heads at - and warn against strongly). But that is really the only way I have found that even comes close to bringing that center.
For me, there has mostly never been a question of whether God is. But rather who is he? That's another matter entirely. To me, it is sadly ironic that the God portrayed by many 'Christian' doctrines is much like the Greek Zeus or Norse Odin - capricious, cold, demanding, distant, sitting on a throne with a baseball bat (or lightning bolts). That is not the God I know in my core.
So for me, I find that rejecting religion is the answer. But I also know that it is MY answer, not a universal answer.
I think that as long as you keep seeking truth you will find more answers (your answers, not someone else's) and you will also continue to find more questions....
Katherine - I understand what you say about seeking truth wherever it is found. That worked for me for over 5 years, but these days I'm only really finding truth in scientific fact. I don't necessarily want it that way, but it's the path I'm on.
ReplyDelete:-D The path you're on is a beautiful path. If you are finding truth on the scientific path, then that is the right path. (Opinion :-) ) A dear friend and I have learned something that sounds so obvious and yet.... You can only work from where you are, not from where you want to be. I wish you clarity and wisdom as you continue to seek, hmm... and as you continue to mourn what has been lost - the illusion of security in a system made of popsicle sticks.
ReplyDeleteYes Katherine, that's about it. A vast illusion. I can't fault anyone for believing it...I understand the draw and the motivation to stick with it. But the house has fallen for me.
ReplyDelete