The Left Hand of Evil

Did you know by some accounts the Bible has 100 favorable references to the right or being right-handed, and up to 25 references to the left or left hand being evil? There are fewer instances of homosexuality being considered a sin than there are the left being evil.

Did you know that Satan himself has been associated with the left hand or side?

Did you know that until recently, it was not considered that left-handedness was genetic, but rather it was a choice?

Did you know that in many parts of the world until the 1960's, children who showed favor to the left hand were forced to switch to right-handedness? In some parts of the world, that is still in practice. This often leads to neurological problems, due to the confusion.

Left-handedness has been considered to be deliberately rebellious. It has been said that lefties are more likely to be stupid, gay, clumsy and to have cancer. They are more likely to struggle with sports, not because they are not athletic or clumsy, but because sports and sports equipment are often designed solely for the right-handed.

It is also said that for a small minority, switching is relatively easy. For most, being forced to switch or change from left-handedness to right-handedness leads to a lifetime of confusion, struggle and unhappiness. 

There is no doubt that being left-handed in this world is a disadvantage. As a child, lefties are taunted and humiliated. They struggle to learn write properly, to not leave smudges on their papers, to use scissors correctly. Many school desks are a major disadvantage to students. Some people still feel that lefties are disabled, rebellious or even evil. 

It's true that lefties tend to be more creative, adaptable, and emotionally intelligent. It is also said that lefties are the only ones in their right minds. :)

Today, most people don't care if a person is left-handed, because we know it is genetic and generally not changeable. Nonetheless, it is still a disadvantage in some situations.

Just sayin'.

Oh, and I'm one of those lefties. 

True

No matter where my journey of faith has led me in recent months, the doubts, the confusion...this week I want it all to be true. The God stuff. The heaven stuff. Really; deeply. Because I can't imagine otherwise. 

Today, I broke down and cried while I was driving. I found myself bawling and saying "Well, Gary, I hope you have your answers now." Weeping and thankful, because I know he does. And hoping it's all true.

And then feeling angry and jealous because he has his answers now, and I still don't. I still have to muddle through it, doubt, question, and search; probably for many more years. 

And then I felt guilty for being angry and jealous, because I sure wish he was still here with his doubts and questions and wandering, I wish he was still here to muddle through it with me. 

And today, I want it all to be true. 

Learn Something

It's the hard times that help us to realize just how dysfunctional we really are. Right at this moment, I'm working very hard to learn something about myself out of the grief, because my dysfunction is right under the surface today.

I learned some very negative self talk when I was an adolescent, and when I'm really hurting, it surfaces. I have no real coping skills, just this default mantra that slips into gear to help me function: "It doesn't matter". 

It doesn't matter how I feel, because I'm probably just being dramatic.

It doesn't matter how I feel because no one really cares and life goes on.

It doesn't matter how I feel, because thee are so many people in the world who are hurting more than I am. 

It doesn't matter how I feel, because if it did matter, then I'd have to face it head on.

It's dark and ugly and often reaches up it's sneaky tendrils, working me slowly and craftily down into depression. Buck up, deal with it, stop being overdramatic, don't be so selfish, So I'm an expert at stuffing my feelings. Stuff stuff stuff. But burying them only causes rot.

Today, I want to learn something...to grow, to be stronger, wiser, more patient, more grounded. Today, I want to delve into my dysfunction and try to pull up some more roots...to kill it a little at a time. 

I want to learn something. I don't want these feelings to be in vain, I don't want them to sink into the night not having contributed anything meaningful to my life. I don't want to let them do their dirty work in me; instead, I want the grief fertilize something good and beautiful. 

I want to learn something.

Gone

I need to ramble. How do you grieve this way? How do you grieve the loss of a friend, a kindred spirit...someone you have never met? I have known Gary about 4 years, and in that time he became one of my dearest online friends. We shared many conversations about our dreams for Jesus' people, 'unchurch', and being a spiritual wanderer...oh did we share that in so many ways. He was one of the most significant people who made me feel not alone in this journey - especially during my most difficult times. He understood some things that few other people do. He was one of the wisest, most talented, most insightful people I have ever had the honor of knowing. He was a devoted family man, and I do believe his family got the best he had to offer. Hearing the way he loved his wife, which he sometimes expressed in his blog posts, always made me smile. 

Yet, I don't know how to grieve him. It's such a different world when you lose someone from afar. We need new rules, new etiquette for this new world we live in. I don't know his wife or his children. I cannot reach out to them, take them a meal, sit and cry with them. Thy do not know me. I am not part of his tangible community. What do I do? How do I do this? The only thing I could think of was that his online community needs a place to grieve. Barbara and I made that happen, on FB, and it's been beautiful. But what else?

There are so many things I remember, I don't even know where to begin. I went back today and read many of the comments he left on this blog over the years. I treasure them. There were a few times we argued in the comments, as well, both on my blog and on his. But we always found a way around it. Now, they make me laugh.

At one point we belonged to a weight loss blog together, but it didn't last.

At one point in time we talked about starting a NW UNchurch, to meet quarterly. But it never happened. 

At one point he had created a conference about being Jesus in suburbia that he invited me to speak at. But it didn't happen. 

We were the same in that we are dreamers, but not always such good do-ers, when it comes down to it. But then, there when it counts.

He played a huge role in making Communitas Collective happen. He was on the board, we served together for what, 9 months? I don't know. He posted on the site regularly for a time. He did all the beautiful art and logos for that site, including the new ones just unveiled in the last few weeks.

He also made beautiful blog banners -- he was an incredibly talented graphic artist. 

See some banners at 

http://laylasclassicrock.blogspot.com/ 

http://iklektika.blogspot.com/ 

http://www.kansasbob.com/ 

I know there are others but I can't think right now. 

Other work of his: 

http://www.coroflot.com/gmeans

http://www.garymeansdesign.com/

http://www.redbubble.com/people/gmeans/portfolio

Some of the best stuff (in my opinion) is in his Picasa account, but I think you have to have permission to view them. One looks out at you from the top of this post. I hope he will not mind that I borrowed it for this purpose.

I have a piece of his artwork in my kitchen. I saw it on one of his portfolio pages after we remodeled our kitchen. I loved it and asked If I could buy one. He graciously surprised me and gave me the image as a birthday gift, and my husband had a print made. It is beautiful and perfect. I always wanted him to sign it, but we never had the chance. Yet, I'm so grateful to have this reminder of his life, his talent.

In recent months he was working to reinvent himself as a graphic artist, and seemed happy and excited about his new ventures. I can only hope that his last weeks were happy, doing what he loved, and spending time with those he loved.

Not to be too logical, because I don't really feel logical at the moment, but I also have realized the importance of making sure a spouse or friend has the login credentials to our online personas...blogs, facebook, email....so that people can know. I am grateful that Gary's son was able to log in to Gary's facebook page and let everyone know of the loss of his father. I am so very very grieved that he had to do that at all...but I'm so very grateful he was able to.

Only now am I beginning to measure all the ways I will miss him.

I know online relationships are two dimensional. They exist in text, sometimes in words, but lack the depth of seeing someone's facial expressions, knowing their weaknesses, their darker side, as only family an close friends can. 

I also know the degree of my loss is nothing to that of his family, and I do not for a minute suggest that. 

My heart breaks most deeply and most readily for his wife Jan, for all the mornings she will wake up without him, for all the dreams they shared that will not manifest, and for all the years their future should have held. May God hold her close and bring her peace as only He is able. May her friends and loved ones rally around her in every possible way. May her sons both comfort her and be comforted by her. 

I'm sure this is not the last you will hear here about him, but it is where I'll leave off for now. 

Have peace, Gary, my friend. I hope and pray you have found your answers. Know that I will lift up your family in prayer daily for as long as I am able. 

I can't yet believe you are gone, that you will not answer my emails, comment on my blog, share your laughter on Facebook, ever again.

I look forward to meeting you one day, on the other side. My brother, my friend.

Sad News

Just a few minutes ago I happened to be on Facebook and see a post that broke my heart.  I have to share it because I know many of you will be affected.

Gary Means son, Jon-Erik, posted that Gary passed away yesterday of a sudden heart attack. 

I am deeply saddened and don't even know at this moment what to say, except that he played an exceptionally meaningful role in my life, in my spiritual journey, and I will miss his influence greatly. It is unfortunate that I never had the chance to meet him face to face these four or five years. We tried a few times, but it never worked out.

However, far more than any sense of loss I feel for myself, I am grieving for his wife and two sons. May God's love and peace be upon them all. I wish I knew them, to have the opportunity to extend more than just these simple words to them.

Gary had a personal blog, but I believe it's set to invitation-only right now. He also had a large role in the goings-on, planning, and board for Communitas Collective. He is responsible for all the beautiful graphics there, as well. 

I don't have any more details to share at this time. If you are friends with him on Facebook, you might check there. If I find out anything else, I will post it here.