Introverts in the Church 4

Over at Experimental Theology, Richard Beck is discussing "Introverts in the Church". In the book, Adam McHugh cited a post of Richard's from 6-19-2007, and Richard has reposted it as an introduction to his review of the book.

I wanted to include a fabulous quote that highlights the issue in a very clear way.

"Specifically, non-liturgical churches tend to be more sociable churches. So, let's call them that. That is, there are liturgical churches and there are sociable churches. Sociable churches tend to emphasize relationality among its members. For example, a large part of the sociable church experience involves lengthy greetings (being greeted and greeting others), adult bible classes that are conversational and oriented around fellowship (e.g., in my church we sit at tables drinking coffee, eating donuts, and chatting), and the in-depth sharing of personal prayer requests.

This is not to say that liturgical churches aren't sociable or don't have sociable facets to them. It's just the simple recognition that going to a Catholic mass (the prototypical liturgical experience) differs greatly from my day at church at the Highland Church of Christ in Abilene, TX. My experience is heavy on the “visiting,” as they say here in Texas.

In these highly sociable churches there is an implicit theological theme that marries sociability with spirituality. That is, being sociable—visiting intensively, and being willing to "get into each other's lives"—is highly prized. To a point, this is understandable. A sociable church is going to rely on extraverts to make the whole vibe work.

But introverts fare poorly in these sociable churches. The demand to visit, mix, and share with strangers taxes them. Worse, given that these social activities are declared to be "spiritual," the introvert feels morally judged and spiritually marginalized. As if their very personality was spiritually diseased."

And there you have it. Introverts, specifically in non-liturgical churches, tend for their spirituality to be judged by their sociability. Which is entirely, well, wrong.

I highly recommend you read the entire post, it's absolutely full of wisdom I could quote, but such is frowned upon in the writing world. :)

Introverts in the Church 3

"While extroverts commonly feel loneliness when others are absent, introverts can feel most lonely when others are present, because ours is the aching loneliness of not being known or understood."

How many times have I cried out "I just wish someone understood me?" I have heard this from many of my friends who are introverts as well. The funny thing is as many of us who understand each other, we don't recognize that other introverts understand us.

Related is this quote:

"One particularly insidious behavior in introverts is the tendency to suffer alone. We internalize our dark emotions, often increasing loneliness and closing ourselves to the love and insight that can bring healing and new perspectives."

I wish I had realized this five years ago. Well, I knew it, but I thought it was just another way I was broken. If I had known it's common for the introvert, I might have handled it differently. Instead I fought it, and then fought through it, entirely alone. I couldn't let anyone into my pain and fear and dark thoughts because that would, I don't know, indicate failure or something. Because of that, it was far messier than it had to be.

I think this was especially true because of my involvement in religion, and more specifically in charismatic christianity. I was known for being reserved, but also for being wise and skilled at spiritual warfare; therefore, admitting I was struggling would have meant to show a great deal of weakness. Being an already damaged introvert, I couldn't risk it. It could be because I believed if I had told someone, they would have attributed it to demonic oppression rather than just religious burn-out. If I had spoken to someone about it, I might have found someone who said "Of course you're struggling, that's common." But instead, the darkness consumed me.

From personal experience, I think introverts can tend to the martyr syndrome, as well. That is, almost wanting not to be understood, as much as we ache for it, because being understood would devalue our uniqueness. Now, this could be only a phenomenon for the individualists, the introverted 4's and the INFP's. Which could explain the utter reluctance to share our dark places.

I'm enjoying this book, because while there are many good resources about being an introvert, there is a very unique dynamic to introversion in religious culture. It has caused me more trauma than most other things in life, and reading a book that validates that this dynamic as not only real, but common, has been very beneficial to me.

One thing that the author gets into later on is the need for introverts who are involved in religious culture to take regular sabbaticals to recharge from the demands of ministry. This one fact alone could have saved me tons of grief; if, at the height of my involvement when burn-out became apparent, I had been allowed or even encouraged to take a break, rather than chastised and harassed for stepping back, I could have ended up in a far better place. Three or four months off, completely, could have prevented the five years I'm at now.

This is not to say I could have or would have overlooked all the negativity, inauthenticity and insincerity I take issue with, in modern evangelicalism in general, and my ex-church specifically, but a permitted break could have allowed me to process in much healthier ways, possibly preventing the trauma and grief that chased me completely away.

Stay tuned for more.

*All quotes are from the book, "Introverts in the Church: Finding our Place in an Extroverted Culture" by Adam S. McHugh.

Kit Kat or M&Ms, it's Still Just Candy

You know something that really bugs me? New churches that simply take an old formula, slap a new wrapper on it, and call it something new...like emerging, or missional. There has to be a complete philosophy change somewhere, you can't just do the old thing on couches and with candles.

Yesterday a doorhanger showed up on our front door for a new church in our area, touting itself as a new young missional church. The name sounded interesting, so I visited their website. Looked like the same old thing, but not wanting to outright dismiss it, because I've been hoping for something to turn up in my neighborhood...I decided to dig a little further.

Staff pastor(s) seminary trained men*. Check.

Having some big vision for saving the community. Check.

Moving into a non-churchy retail space. Check.

Complete with pastor and wife having a SHARED Facebook page, because that's how they hold each other accountable, you know. (Why does seeing Facebook pages called "Chris n Tony" or "Barb n Todd" really rankle me, especially when they are conservative Christians? Because it comes from that same misogynist mindset that we all love to hate.)

I know those things are great for some people, but they are all negatives in my book. Still, wanting to be open-minded, I thought I'd listen to a sermon or two, just to see. The online sermon list included messages by three different people, all men*. I looked up their names, and they are all conservative seminarians. I chose the most recent sermon.

Yep, just as I feared. Heartfelt desire to CHANGE the NEIGHBORHOOD. And then dissing on the neighborhood because it's poor and needs saving. Preaching the gamut about demonic spirits over our profoundly unchurched area.

When will people get it? First, you can't diss on how dangerous and demonic the community is...you are forgetting PEOPLE LIVE HERE. And unless you live in the ghetto, you have no automatic street cred there. You have to earn it. And dissing on it will not earn anything.

Change? You can't talk about it, it won't do any good. You can pray for it, but that doesn't feed people. You can feed people, but unless you change your attitude about their "poor unsaved gang-member criminal impoverished demon-oppressed immigrant souls", no one will care and no lasting change will be affected. The kids need coats. The moms need free babysitters. The teenagers need a safe place to hang out. They need money, not your couches and candles. Oh, and they speak Spanish. Oh, and they are Catholic. Your emergissional bullcrap isn't wanted around here.

When will something really new come around? Something where you don't have to comply with conservative doctrine, listen to stodgy worship, and be chastised by talking heads, but be among people willing to stop talking and get their hands dirty? When will someone begin to see that change means actually having to DO something, probably something unpleasant?

Granted, I'm no expert. I live in a glass house, but my heart isn't proud of it. My heart wants things to change in someone's life. Not an entire community...just one person, one family. I can't do it alone...but I want to find ways to try. I have no credibility with my community, no experience, no tools, no money...and I'm white middle-class.

But there has to be a way that doesn't involve overhead projectors and bible beating and talking out of your asshole about your intent to change the community.

Granted, they are new to the neighborhood and maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe they will put their money where their mouth is.

But somehow I doubt it.

End rant.

*I am not clear on whether there is one staff pastor and the others were guest speakers, or what the deal is. But same difference.

Introverts in the Church 2

From "Introverts in the Church", Adam S. McHugh:

"Introverts are energized by solitude.We are recharged from the inside out, from the forces of our internal world of ideas and feelings. Just as a geyser finds it's power from a subterranean water source, introverts derive strength from hidden places."

"Some people misconstrue the introverted need for solitude as being antisocial. But it's not that we don't like people, it's that time with other people in the external world has a draining effect on us. We don't avoid social situations like we would a trip to the dentist, but sometimes we avoid them like we might avoid exercise, because we lack the energy for it."

As introverts, we all skip social situations from time to time. However. how many important social situations have you avoided because you lacked the energy? I have missed weddings, graduations, birthday parties...not because I don't love the person, not because I don't value the importance of the situation, but so often because I had spent my social energy in other ways earlier in the week and just couldn't muster it up.

Unfortunately, extroverts will often not understand this, and they will see it as a personal offense. So, I'll go out on a limb and admit I have made the excuse of being ill more times than I can count simply because I could not think of a "legitimate" way to explain that I was clean out of social energy.

While I still haven't found a good way to explain it, I have begun to mature to the point that I've realized making excuses a) does hurt people I care about and b) often I will have a good time if I go. So I am learning to plan ahead. When I know there is something coming up that I should attend, I have to save up my social energy by being careful how I spend it earlier in that same week. While not always ideal, this does help.

How about you?

*All quotes are from the book "Introverts in the Church,: Finding our Place in an Extroverted Culture" by Adam S. McHugh.

Introverts in the Church 1

Rather than waiting until I have finished the book, I really want to highlight some things that have jumped out at me along the way. Not all of these thoughts have to do specifically with introverts in church, but are relevant to introverts in general.

"One of the big mistakes Extraverts make is to assume that if someone is not engaged with another person, that individual is simply not busy. So, it's okay to interrupt someone sitting and reading because that person is probably reading only because there is no one else with whom she can talk. You can only imagine what an Extravert thinks of someone who is sitting there not even reading but merely reflecting. Clearly that person needs to be put to some more useful task -- such as listening to the Extravert's thoughts of the moment". *

This quote sums up my own life...forever well-meaning extroverts have been trying to "draw me out of my shell", or "engage with me" when all I want is to be left alone. And making me feel somehow broken for it.

As well, this is entirely too clear to me, having two children, one of each. This example is precisely what happens. My introvert will go into his room and shut the door, needing to be alone. My extrovert, if there is no one around to talk to, will barge in to the introverts room and begin talking to the introvert. This usually results in anger, with the introvert insisting, "Get out of my room", and the extrovert saying "Why? I let you in my room any time you want."

I'm not sure why extroverts so clearly believe it's wrong for introverts to want to be alone, often making them feel abnormal because of it. Is it because the extroverts are more assertive? More common? More dominant? I think it's simply a lack of understanding.

What's more, I have learned from observation that extroverts actually feel slighted when an introvert wants to be alone. The extroverts take it very personally, and often might even react as if it is indicative of the introverts dislike of the extrovert.

You can see how this would create a problem.

I have tried very hard to educate my children about their personalities, letting them know that while it's not wrong to be the way they are, it's not wrong for the other person to be the way THEY are. If that makes any sense. Tolerance and grace for those who are different than us, a key to how I operate.

I know this post doesn't seem to have much to do with the church, but further quotes and discussion will get into that. First, this book is laying the foundation of learning and understanding the differences between the two types, so to better understand the tensions that can occur in the church.

*This is actually a quote of a quote, the source is listed as Kroger, Thuesen and Rutledge, Type Talk at Work, p.97

Chicken or Egg

For my birthday, I asked for and received Adam McHugh's book "Introverts in the Church: Finding our Place in an Extroverted Culture".

I'm only partway into it, but it's proving to be a fascinating read, enough so that I hope to cover some of its content over the next several posts. Might I mention that this is the first book I have ever felt compelled to review this way?

If you have been a long-time reader, you might remember that back in 2007 there was a good deal of conversation about personality types. You might also remember that I ran an unscientific poll, indicating that nearly 75% of my blog community were introverts.

This has been on my mind ever since, and I think I've finally found a book that will help me make some sense of it.

You know that my primary area of personal interest is the disaffected christian, i.e. those who have found their way out of traditional christianity due to conflicts with the hard and fast belief systems most denominations and traditions demand. In a nutshell, we don't fit in.

I have always believed that there must be some reason the majority of my blog community are BOTH a) disaffected christians and b) introverts. Aside from the obvious but errant reasoning that we are loners and simply don't fit into community in any fashion, it has been in my heart that there has to be another answer. However, that answer has proven elusive; until now.

I don't mean to oversimplify; for the myriad of other reasons myself and others like me "leave" church are also valid, and I don't think it's as simple as having a personality conflict with the way church is "done". However, I do think that being introverted might more readily focus for us the problems within christianity, as it exists in the western world, and our recognition of those problems is simply a by-product of being introverted and therefore spending significant time in careful reflection of anything that is of value to us.

On the flip-side, I'm sure there are many introverts who are perfectly happy "in church", and so there does seem to be some even deeper issue at play with some of us. As well, one could argue that my poll is too unscientific to draw any conclusions from, because simply put, maybe the introverts are the ones who are talking about their disillusionment online, and the extroverts are talking about it in "real life", hence the poll's disparity. But for now I'm investigating the simple presumption that so many people in my blog world who are disillusioned also seem to be introverts.

However, before I begin with the book, let me ask you, my fellow introverts, one question, which approaches the issue from another angle that I'll get to later on.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

That is to say, do you think people are introverts because they have low self-esteem, or do people have low self-esteem because they are introverts?

Think about that for a minute.

I don't mean to say all introverts have low-self esteem, or vice-versa; I'm asking the question in regards to those who DO fit into both categories.

What do you think?

Looking Ahead

Rather than a post meant to recap 2009, I thought I'd post about what will be happening in 2010. No real reason, other than I was just thinking about the new year and all the things I know are approaching.

Tomorrow, I'm having lunch with a friend I haven't seen in nearly 25 years. We reconnected by accident on Facebook and I'm very much looking forward to seeing her. She was my best friend in 7th and 8th grade, and it's funny that so many years can pass and we can still remember those bonds from so many years ago.

I'm starting school again on Tuesday. Like I said before, I'm taking it a semester at a time, at least for now. But my A's last semester were encouraging...not that I'll manage A's all the time, but indicative that my brain still functions on a somewhat academic level. So here we go again.

In a few weeks we will be having the first meeting of the 2010 relay team. I have elected myself captain again...or at least it feels like it. In truth, the feedback I received after the 2009 relay clearly indicated to me that no one would be opposed if I took the initiative this year to get things rolling...er...walking. So we are all rounded up and ready to get training. The relay will be the last weekend in August again this year, so we have a long time to plan and a long time to wait. I'm expecting that I won't micromanage quite so much this time as I have a much better sense of what is important and what isn't. I'm sure you'll be hearing more about the relay as our training progresses.

September will usher in a new season for our family; we will have a high school student. That is absolutely mind boggling for me. Somehow I can't even comprehend it yet, but it is fast approaching. The real irony for me is the vast number of MY high school friends who are just now having babies (my class of 1989 friends). 2009 saw three have their first or second children, and 2010 will see at least three more. So, soon, while they are doing diapers, I'll be doing driving lessons. And while they are potty training, I'll be going to college. Strange.

At the end of the year I will reach a major milestone...my 40th birthday. I don't know that I have any thoughts about that yet, other than I certainly haven't accomplished most of what I thought would have accomplished by this point in life; but I have accomplished many things I never imagined. So I guess that's good. I can say that when I was in high school I never dreamed the year 2010 would ever actually come. Wow.

Those are the things I know of for 2010...I do have dreams and aspirations for the coming year, but I know that whatever I might aspire to, chances are the reality will be quite different. So for those things, well, I'll just have to comment on them as they come.

Wishing you all far better things than you hope for in 2010!