Today, I broke down and cried while I was driving. I found myself bawling and saying "Well, Gary, I hope you have your answers now." Weeping and thankful, because I know he does. And hoping it's all true.
And then feeling angry and jealous because he has his answers now, and I still don't. I still have to muddle through it, doubt, question, and search; probably for many more years.
And then I felt guilty for being angry and jealous, because I sure wish he was still here with his doubts and questions and wandering, I wish he was still here to muddle through it with me.
And today, I want it all to be true.
Don't let your guilty feelings get to yourself. You're allowed to be angry in jealous. Remember, that's a healthy part of the grieving process too.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you lost your friend. It really really sucks that this happened. It makes me sad. I have no words that will make it better and I think anything I say will sound insincere. I've been through it myself and it was awful. Stuff like this really makes me hope that Heaven is true too.
ReplyDeleteAll I have to offer is a listening ear and an internet hug. :(
Erin - Maybe you are just a little more honest than the rest of us.There are a lot of muddling along with you. Wish the distance didn't separate us.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jarred.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Kay. I don't know what I believe lately, but this has made me hopeful for him.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Glenn. I'm glad I know so many muddlers...they are some of my favorite people. :)
ReplyDeleteErin - I thought that same thing when I read about Gary; that now he really knows whatever is true and right and real. I feel you here. I love you.
ReplyDeleteThanks Michelle. I know there are people who understand that feeling...it makes me sad to know that he has found out...isn't that weird?
ReplyDeleteLove you too. Chat soon?
Not weird in my opinion but I'm probably not the measuring stick to go by. ;-) Yes - bloop me anytime. It's usually up but I'm just "invisible".
ReplyDeleteSo many emotions surface when we lose someone...especially someone like Gary. Sigh. Its not fair in so many ways, including that we have to wait longer to find out what's really up with all the God stuff.
ReplyDeleteSad tonight....how are you Barbara? I have thinking about the deeper implications for me personally....like, maybe I DO need some answers. Feeling the irony of his doubts in light of his departure. Hoping I am correct in believing there is something wonderful after, in spite of my unbelief.
ReplyDeleteHuge for me...maybe that's his final gift to us doubters? Not realizing until now how much I need to believe there is something out there...because if not, where is he now?
Just rambling...
Erin.... it sucks that Gary's gone and yeah, that he knows what we wish we did. Would just give you a hug if I were there.
ReplyDeleteThank you Katherine.
ReplyDelete