I learned some very negative self talk when I was an adolescent, and when I'm really hurting, it surfaces. I have no real coping skills, just this default mantra that slips into gear to help me function: "It doesn't matter".
It doesn't matter how I feel, because I'm probably just being dramatic.
It doesn't matter how I feel because no one really cares and life goes on.
It doesn't matter how I feel, because thee are so many people in the world who are hurting more than I am.
It doesn't matter how I feel, because if it did matter, then I'd have to face it head on.
It's dark and ugly and often reaches up it's sneaky tendrils, working me slowly and craftily down into depression. Buck up, deal with it, stop being overdramatic, don't be so selfish, So I'm an expert at stuffing my feelings. Stuff stuff stuff. But burying them only causes rot.
Today, I want to learn something...to grow, to be stronger, wiser, more patient, more grounded. Today, I want to delve into my dysfunction and try to pull up some more roots...to kill it a little at a time.
I want to learn something. I don't want these feelings to be in vain, I don't want them to sink into the night not having contributed anything meaningful to my life. I don't want to let them do their dirty work in me; instead, I want the grief fertilize something good and beautiful.
I want to learn something.
It takes courage to face those things we say to ourselves. I don't know about you but when this stuff really turns on, there is this feeling that comes with it that's like a feeling of utter helplessness, that you are powerless in its face.
ReplyDeleteThat feeling is so strong, it's no wonder we believe it, and turn away. It's not really fair, because it's taken courage to turn to face those dark thoughts in the first place. The accompanying feeling of frozenness in the face of it is enough to make us run if we've got this far. I think that's why this stuff lives on for so long. I also think every time we do face it to whatever extent, we arm ourselves a little better for the battle next time. We begin to understand our enemy a little more (we have discovered our enemy, and it is ourselves :)
I am batting all this stuff myself at the moment. It's hard work. But you are strong :) And so am I.
I had it rear up a few weeks ago when Anthony and I were planting vegetable seeds, of all things. Now, I don't know what I was told in the past that I don't remember, but I have just realised recently that those voices rear up so strongly when I garden. How weird is that? Mine were so strong, telling me I was a pathetic piece of shit, that I was a loser, that I would never learn how to garden properly. They were such awful, hateful voices. And yet they were a part of me. So hard to own it, but necessary to own it (this is where Empire Christianity is so naff, and on top of that destructive, IMO, but that's another story ;)
So yeah. I think talking back to this stuff is POWERFUL!!! Jung called it Active Imagination (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_imagination), imagining this part of you as a character, or a personality, and having a conversation with it of sorts. These parts of us often have things to tell us that can be illuminating and interesting.
However, the crap it's telling you is neither illuminating nor interesting, it's just WRONG! You inspire me, sistah, thank you for sharing this.
I am finding that the best way to talk back to this stuff, depending on what it's saying, is to the do the opposite. Part of that is writing this post, more courage.
You are learning heaps, Erin. Keep going.
Amen, sister. I have the same issues.
ReplyDeleteDealing appropriately with my feelings is one of the greatest lessons I learned from my friend, Marisa. She taught me that no matter what my feelings were, they had every right to exist. She taught me that until I learn to accept my feelings for what they are and allow myself to experience them (and there's a difference between allowing myself to experiencing them and wallowing in them), that there's really no good way to deal with them. They'd just sit there and fester. But once I learned to accept my feelings and deal with them honestly, I also learned that not only did they come and go, but that I could actually do something about them.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find that same gift in your efforts to sort through things.
You know, Sue...I'm so glad I know you.
ReplyDeleteWhat you said about gardening....well that is me, except when I'm really hurting. My voices aren't mean in that way, but they belittle my emotions, telling me that I don't deserve to have them, that they are somehow wrong or selfish. I know where they come from, but I haven't been able to exorcise those demons yet.
But I can only hope that looking them in the face instead of letting them drag me down over and over and over will suck their energy out a little at a time.
Thanks Jim...it's always good to know I'm not alone in some of my struggles.
ReplyDeleteI like that, Jarred. I do wonder...I know these voices in my head originate from other people, and I think that might be why it's so hard for me to face them. It's not just negative self talk, it's the (however wrong) belief that what the voices say is what other people think. Makes me very hesitant to share with anyone, and that much more challenging to let go of.
ReplyDeleteSo it's not just a matter of learning to accept my feelings, but learning that the voices that tell me other people don't accept my feelings are lying to me.
I think those voices can come from a multitude of places. I know for me they came from my father, and yeah, it is SO HARD to really come to understand that those voices are coming from myself, rather than from the culture around me. It feels like a freakshow.
ReplyDeleteAh, life. You're a torturous bitch at times, but you're a good teacher, too :P
Erin -
ReplyDeleteI'm seeing new issues rise up in me every day now that I walk through my new process. It can be overwhelming. Thanks for posting this. I feel comfort in your company.
Sue - Thank you, and yes, I am. :)
ReplyDeleteI hate the voices for what they have done to me for 25+ years. Why can't I unlearn them?
Michelle - Thank you. I wish you all the best as you work through things. I can't imagine the new things that you are facing.
ReplyDeleteI had an art therapy session on Saturday. We worked with those voices, with this part of my personality that has appeared to me in my dreams recently, trying to literally invade me. We did all these things - I drew a picture of the dream. Then Maggie sat me in a chair and I did ye olde wanky "talking to a part of yourself" thing which was really interesting. That part of myself wants to speak and doesn't have any words. I also found out he is very thirsty, and that there are things I can do to help him. I am asking him to help me, to give me insight, to tell me what he wants.
ReplyDeleteEmbrace it, darlin'. As horrid and awful and ... well, demonic as it is, it is a part of you. It has things to tell you. You have things to tell it, also.
You are growing so much. It's very exciting :)
Somehow this post and the comments are comforting...enlightening. They put words to something very true but so elusive.
ReplyDeleteI agree, Ruth. Our ability to learn from something painful brings good from it. Not that it's true or right in every situation, for sure, but sometimes looking for that growth can redeem the pain.
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