Gone

I need to ramble. How do you grieve this way? How do you grieve the loss of a friend, a kindred spirit...someone you have never met? I have known Gary about 4 years, and in that time he became one of my dearest online friends. We shared many conversations about our dreams for Jesus' people, 'unchurch', and being a spiritual wanderer...oh did we share that in so many ways. He was one of the most significant people who made me feel not alone in this journey - especially during my most difficult times. He understood some things that few other people do. He was one of the wisest, most talented, most insightful people I have ever had the honor of knowing. He was a devoted family man, and I do believe his family got the best he had to offer. Hearing the way he loved his wife, which he sometimes expressed in his blog posts, always made me smile. 

Yet, I don't know how to grieve him. It's such a different world when you lose someone from afar. We need new rules, new etiquette for this new world we live in. I don't know his wife or his children. I cannot reach out to them, take them a meal, sit and cry with them. Thy do not know me. I am not part of his tangible community. What do I do? How do I do this? The only thing I could think of was that his online community needs a place to grieve. Barbara and I made that happen, on FB, and it's been beautiful. But what else?

There are so many things I remember, I don't even know where to begin. I went back today and read many of the comments he left on this blog over the years. I treasure them. There were a few times we argued in the comments, as well, both on my blog and on his. But we always found a way around it. Now, they make me laugh.

At one point we belonged to a weight loss blog together, but it didn't last.

At one point in time we talked about starting a NW UNchurch, to meet quarterly. But it never happened. 

At one point he had created a conference about being Jesus in suburbia that he invited me to speak at. But it didn't happen. 

We were the same in that we are dreamers, but not always such good do-ers, when it comes down to it. But then, there when it counts.

He played a huge role in making Communitas Collective happen. He was on the board, we served together for what, 9 months? I don't know. He posted on the site regularly for a time. He did all the beautiful art and logos for that site, including the new ones just unveiled in the last few weeks.

He also made beautiful blog banners -- he was an incredibly talented graphic artist. 

See some banners at 

http://laylasclassicrock.blogspot.com/ 

http://iklektika.blogspot.com/ 

http://www.kansasbob.com/ 

I know there are others but I can't think right now. 

Other work of his: 

http://www.coroflot.com/gmeans

http://www.garymeansdesign.com/

http://www.redbubble.com/people/gmeans/portfolio

Some of the best stuff (in my opinion) is in his Picasa account, but I think you have to have permission to view them. One looks out at you from the top of this post. I hope he will not mind that I borrowed it for this purpose.

I have a piece of his artwork in my kitchen. I saw it on one of his portfolio pages after we remodeled our kitchen. I loved it and asked If I could buy one. He graciously surprised me and gave me the image as a birthday gift, and my husband had a print made. It is beautiful and perfect. I always wanted him to sign it, but we never had the chance. Yet, I'm so grateful to have this reminder of his life, his talent.

In recent months he was working to reinvent himself as a graphic artist, and seemed happy and excited about his new ventures. I can only hope that his last weeks were happy, doing what he loved, and spending time with those he loved.

Not to be too logical, because I don't really feel logical at the moment, but I also have realized the importance of making sure a spouse or friend has the login credentials to our online personas...blogs, facebook, email....so that people can know. I am grateful that Gary's son was able to log in to Gary's facebook page and let everyone know of the loss of his father. I am so very very grieved that he had to do that at all...but I'm so very grateful he was able to.

Only now am I beginning to measure all the ways I will miss him.

I know online relationships are two dimensional. They exist in text, sometimes in words, but lack the depth of seeing someone's facial expressions, knowing their weaknesses, their darker side, as only family an close friends can. 

I also know the degree of my loss is nothing to that of his family, and I do not for a minute suggest that. 

My heart breaks most deeply and most readily for his wife Jan, for all the mornings she will wake up without him, for all the dreams they shared that will not manifest, and for all the years their future should have held. May God hold her close and bring her peace as only He is able. May her friends and loved ones rally around her in every possible way. May her sons both comfort her and be comforted by her. 

I'm sure this is not the last you will hear here about him, but it is where I'll leave off for now. 

Have peace, Gary, my friend. I hope and pray you have found your answers. Know that I will lift up your family in prayer daily for as long as I am able. 

I can't yet believe you are gone, that you will not answer my emails, comment on my blog, share your laughter on Facebook, ever again.

I look forward to meeting you one day, on the other side. My brother, my friend.