One of these days I'm going to finish talking about myself here; but that day is not today.
I would no longer wonder if I will ever find a church again.
I would no longer have to lie awake at night pondering the mysteries of God.
I wouldn't have to spend countless hours searching for solutions to the most complex spiritual problems; like "If God exists, why do bad things happen to good people?"
I would have a working label, instead of some sort of half-Christian nonsensical identity.
I wouldn't have to field questions about my position; I would have an answer.
I wouldn't have to read books that try to solve it for me.
An online friend of mine (or two) have been able to deprogram completely from Christianity, and I have the utmost respect for that. In fact, I envy it. I understand all the arguments, all the reasons, and agree with most of them.
Some, like me, remain faithful simply because they can FEEL it. "It" being something, some tie, some movement or breath that says to the soul "I am here", even if what "I am" isn't really very clear. I believe there are such vast things we do not yet know that no one can draw a definitive conclusion. But, mostly, I believe because I cannot NOT believe. I have tried, desperately, with all of my soul I have tried not to believe. I have wanted not to believe. I have even told God I did not believe.
This doesn't mean that I'm invalidating the beliefs or unbelief of others; only that this has been my experience. My beliefs no longer fit into any box or under any label. I can't specifically identify for you what it is that I believe. Nor can I spell out all of the things I no longer believe.
Yet, no matter how I try to analyze it, no matter how I try to unbelieve it, there is still something I believe in. Is it God? I don't know. Is it Jesus? I think in some respects, but not in the tangibly "Christian" sense. Do I still believe in prayer? Mostly not; and again, not in the "Christian" sense. Do I still believe in miracles, the bible, church, worship music, young earth creation? Decidedly not. Do I still believe in a higher power? Mostly in the most intangible, mystical or ethereal sense; a power we cannot define that is found in nature, in love, in birth and death, in our conscience or spirit. Very "new age", I know. So sue me. And then, some days, I still believe in "God" -- yeah, THAT God. I believe I can see God many different ways and still have it all be God.
I have tried to fit my beliefs into a box. Some personality types are evidenced by their strict refusal to define themselves. That would be me. I don't know what, exactly, it is that I believe. However, I'm entirely okay with being open to the possibilities, and with the not knowing.
However, I do know that not believing in anything -- well, for my life, it just doesn't fit me. ME. I don't mean you, or you. Just me. For me to remain a functioning human being, I have to bow to whatever this is that I feel, that I can tap into -- the unexplainable love, clarity, peace, understanding and awe -- that still overcomes me on an almost daily basis.
I still stand breathless when I look at the stars. I walk in a forest and feel it speaking to me. I can see an infant and know that it's life came from somewhere -- it is more than just atoms. I feel the wind in my face and I feel the depth of peace that I cannot find on my own. I hear my kids tell each other "I love you" and I am amazed. I can hear music and feel tied to every living thing by some invisible thread.
Can all those things be explained logically? Sure they can. But science cannot explain how those things make me FEEL in my core.
I have wondered if I'm simply afraid to let go, as if there is still some underlying fear that disbelief will condemn me. I can assure you, I'm not afraid. I have ventured there, I have tried to live there. I would welcome disbelief. I just can't embrace it because it is not what is true in my soul.
So, I still believe.
These last number of years have obviously been a journey for you . . . and I'd encouragage you not to be in any hurry either to define your destination or declare that you've "arrived" somewhere in particular. In Meyers-Briggs terms, you're obviously very P--very process oriented. Trust that taking good steps will lead you to someplace worth being. At the risk of sounding too "Christiany" (;) ), I don't think God has any interest in ultimately letting you go. But finding your own YOU, not someone else's strait-jacketed version of you isn't a quick or simple process.
ReplyDeleteHi Sara. I think I get what you are saying. At the risk of sounding argumentative...I hope I've known you long enough for you to know that isn't my intent...I have two thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThis process has been almost 6 years, so I wouldn't really consider that to be any kind of a "hurry", if it seems that way. Enough time has gone by that I'm quite sure of where I am not. But no, I'm not in any hurry for anything, even at this point. Two, as far as God not wanting to let go of me, I suppose my response would be "that depends how you define "God", which may or may not be how I define God, at this point in time.
The reality is that I don't believe any of the fundamentals of evangelical Christianity anymore, and in fact, I am an atheist of that religion. That doesn't mean that I'm spiritually an atheist, however -- because I don't believe that will ever be possible for me. It doesn't even mean I'm an atheist of Jesus...just of what is generally attributed as being his prime directive. Put another way, I don't believe his point was saving souls for an afterlife, but saving us from the evils of hatred in this life.
Yes, you did guess me right, I AM very process oriented (INFP, to be sure), and in my mind the process is the point -- there is no destination.
I know that you may have gone out on a limb with your comments, and I do appreciate where you are coming from. I don't really deny any possibility at this point -- but I have serious doubts that I will ever return to "the fold", as it may be.
Erin,
ReplyDeleteYou are making me think about Jesus's prime directive. I don't have time to think right now! ;) I've always considered it to be to teach people to love God and love their neighbors (as in the first commandment). it always annoys me when people teach the "saving souls" bit.
I love this post, and can relate to it a lot. If I have more time to put my thoughts together, I'll post more.
Hello my sister across the country! Please don't stop talking about yourself. At least this part of yourself. I watched a video yesterday from the guy from pro blogger and he talked about contributing ... that what we post should be contributing something to someone. Lessons, recipes, ideas ... and even the feeling of not being alone. That is what you have been for me all these years.
ReplyDeleteI, like you, cannot NOT believe. In something. I have lost the ability to define what that something is but I know there is something. You know, I think that not having the ability to define what this something is may just be the most beautiful part of my life right now.
I think your comment above explained it ever more clearly (at least for me and where I am right now)
"The reality is that I don't believe any of the fundamentals of evangelical Christianity anymore, and in fact, I am an atheist of that religion. That doesn't mean that I'm spiritually an atheist, however -- because I don't believe that will ever be possible for me. It doesn't even mean I'm an atheist of Jesus...just of what is generally attributed as being his prime directive. Put another way, I don't believe his point was saving souls for an afterlife, but saving us from the evils of hatred in this life"
I am currently attending church services at a Presbyterian USA church because I love the pastors there and they have given me permission to have all of my doubts and all of my unbeliefs. I enjoy being a part of that community and sharing in the type of things I grew up with. It's traditional for me. Just like there are certain family traditions that carry on from generation to generation.
But it is interesting being there and not sharing the same beliefs about Jesus. Not holding to the historical story as fact, not believing in his divinity, not believing in his physical resurrection. But somehow in the midst of this, I am learning to believe in the truth of his life greater than ever.
Kari - Most of my Christian life I believed that Jesus came to save people from hell. It's only in recent years that my perspective has changed. If Jesus didn't care about THIS life more than the "afterlife", then I really didn't want much to do with him. The focus on some supposedly ethereal future rather than the pain and suffering that exists here and now seems ridiculous to me, now that my eyes are open. But for so long my sights were set on my future in heaven and not on my present day neighbor.
ReplyDeleteI believe Jesus cared far more about how one person treated another than what happens when we die.
Cynthia - Wow, thank you for your kind words. I could say the same about you!
ReplyDeleteIn my previous post about the Bible I said that I don't know or even care if the biblical Jesus ever existed, that doesn't invalidate what I have learned from what he is recorded as having said. I think that is why I cannot ever be an atheist. Because there is something valuable in the story, and there is a connection I cannot deny.
I do think some of it has to do with personality type, because I have seen people who are far more analytical than I am renounce faith altogether. There is something in the INFP that refuses to accept that there isn't something spiritual to our existence, but I don't deny that for someone else, that is not a fundamental truth. It takes all types to make the world go 'round.
Anyhow, it's encouraging to me that you have found a place where you are accepted and can serve without being marginalized. I love to hear that.
Erin,
ReplyDeleteI completely agree. I think the simplicity of the "story," of the words Jesus spoke are so meaningful, even if it's not literally true, for me, it's obvious that in my life, somehow it's used for GOOD. The more I examine my faith, and hear others' stories, the more I realize how fortunate I was to only have experienced the selfishness/man focused "christianity" for a small portion of my years growing up. In the last few years, the concept of grace, the longing of God to be with us, has caused me to see people a little bit differently and allow myself mistakes without totally beating myself up, and to realize that no one is perfect and we are all imperfect in different ways, and that's OK...
It's hard for me to take all of the Bible as literal happenings, not allowing for the use of allegory, etc...but yes, I have to agree that there is something about the life of Jesus, and the words he spoke and things he did that stirs up something spiritual inside.
Someone once told me that the inability to let go of Jesus meant only that I was still experiencing the fear of unbelieving...in other words, I was still afraid that if I choose not to believe anymore, it's only because I'm still afraid of an angry God who will smite me for it.
ReplyDeleteI don't think that's true at all. It just doesn't feel right to me not to believe that Jesus has value -- why would so many people have written about him (even if the miraculous wasn't true) if he wasn't something special? I don't know, but that's where I am right now.
You have given me a lot to think about in this. Those questions that you ask, I have answered, to my satisfaction anyway. And yes the God that I believe in is Jesus dad. Maybe I will define the God that I believe in. He definately isn't the one that is descibed in the churches. But more the one described in the bible if you actually listen to ALL of the bible. Not just the parts that make God to be Omniscience. I don't really know where it says that anyway. Omnipotent, absolutely. Guiding our every step, that's ridiculous. But in being able to define him in my own way, gave me the ability to love Him. Also to have my own personal relationship with him. Not one based on anything anyone anywhere had an influence on. It made it mine. That confidence allowed me to be happy, and secure in my choice of faith.
ReplyDeleteI agree about being able to define God in your own way. That has helped me immensely. Letting go of the fear of what will happen if I don't believe a certain way has made it so much easier to continue believing at all.
ReplyDelete