1.17.2010

Introverts in the Church 1

Rather than waiting until I have finished the book, I really want to highlight some things that have jumped out at me along the way. Not all of these thoughts have to do specifically with introverts in church, but are relevant to introverts in general.

"One of the big mistakes Extraverts make is to assume that if someone is not engaged with another person, that individual is simply not busy. So, it's okay to interrupt someone sitting and reading because that person is probably reading only because there is no one else with whom she can talk. You can only imagine what an Extravert thinks of someone who is sitting there not even reading but merely reflecting. Clearly that person needs to be put to some more useful task -- such as listening to the Extravert's thoughts of the moment". *

This quote sums up my own life...forever well-meaning extroverts have been trying to "draw me out of my shell", or "engage with me" when all I want is to be left alone. And making me feel somehow broken for it.

As well, this is entirely too clear to me, having two children, one of each. This example is precisely what happens. My introvert will go into his room and shut the door, needing to be alone. My extrovert, if there is no one around to talk to, will barge in to the introverts room and begin talking to the introvert. This usually results in anger, with the introvert insisting, "Get out of my room", and the extrovert saying "Why? I let you in my room any time you want."

I'm not sure why extroverts so clearly believe it's wrong for introverts to want to be alone, often making them feel abnormal because of it. Is it because the extroverts are more assertive? More common? More dominant? I think it's simply a lack of understanding.

What's more, I have learned from observation that extroverts actually feel slighted when an introvert wants to be alone. The extroverts take it very personally, and often might even react as if it is indicative of the introverts dislike of the extrovert.

You can see how this would create a problem.

I have tried very hard to educate my children about their personalities, letting them know that while it's not wrong to be the way they are, it's not wrong for the other person to be the way THEY are. If that makes any sense. Tolerance and grace for those who are different than us, a key to how I operate.

I know this post doesn't seem to have much to do with the church, but further quotes and discussion will get into that. First, this book is laying the foundation of learning and understanding the differences between the two types, so to better understand the tensions that can occur in the church.


*This is actually a quote of a quote, the source is listed as Kroger, Thuesen and Rutledge, Type Talk at Work, p.97


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15 comments:

  1. I would think most people would have difficulty putting themselves in the shoes of the opposite personality type. I certainly do. While I understand the theory, that extraverts gain energy from interacting other people while we introverts expend energy from interacting with others, I can't really understand what it's like for someone not to be drained by social interaction. In the same way, I probably seem withdrawn, preoccupied, too quiet or even rude to most extraverts even if they understand the theory of what an introvert is.
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  2. I suspect that to an extrovert, an introvert's desire to be left alone often does feel like personal dislike and rejection. After all, they're often pestering us because just like we need to be alone, they need to interact with people. It's a matter of conflicting needs, and it's not surprising that such a conflict leaves everyone feeling short-changed or worse.

    In an ideal world, healthy boundaries would be defined that recognizes and allows for both people's needs. Like saying, "Look, I'll come talk to you in half an hour. But right now, I just need a little alone time, okay?*"

    Problem is, defining healthy boundaries is another one of those things we as people don't do very well.

    (* This is, of course, assuming that we're talking about introverts and extroverts that are in some sort of relationship where such cooperation is both necessary and important. I'm certainly not suggesting that introverts are obligated to meet all extroverts' needs for interaction.)
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  3. I laughed when I read this quote. Now I get why my husband interrupts me when I'm reading and doesn't think it's a problem!!
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  4. I don't know, Barry. I think you're meaning "understood" in a very literal sense, i.e. knowing what it's like to BE that person.

    While that is true of me as well, I think I have always "understood" extroverts on a theoretical level. What I mean is I've always known there are people who NEED to be around people and I'm ok with that, as long as they don't NEED to be around ME when I NEED to be alone. :)
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  5. Jarred - you have hit on what it's like to be an introvert mom of an extrovert. My extroverted son began talking at a very early age, and has never stopped except to sleep. When he was young, I had to do exactly what you said...tell him that I would listen to him in just a little bit, if he would be quiet for a little while first. Or sometimes the reverse. But I have had to live in that tension of loving him and wanting to validate him while not allowing myself to become resentful of his need to talk.

    I think in many ways it's harder even than having a relationship with an extrovert (like my husband) because with an adult you can (usually) reason with them about it, whereas with an extroverted child, they simply don't feel loved if you won't listen to them.
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  6. Susan, I laughed when I read it too, because it's the story of my life!
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  7. There was a really interesting example, and one I'd never really thought of before, that came up in my life today.

    My 13 year old son and his friend watched the Matrix last night for the first time. He was talking to me about it (big surprise) and I asked him "it's also a metaphor. do you know what a metaphor is?" and he nodded. I said "it's a metaphor for lots of things in life". Then I paused to gather my thoughts, and after about 10 seconds, my husband (who was listening) said "Aren't you going to finish your sentence?" And my son says "yeah mom, you always do that, you start to say something then you take forever to finish".

    Well, of course I do, I'm an introvert...I have to process my thoughts internally before speaking them, rather than the extroverts tendency to process aloud...and it makes them impatient to wait for me to say something, even for a few seconds.
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  8. I CAN RELATE TO THIS!!!! I know you already know this - but the main reason i stopped going to church was because i was tired of extroverts making me feel "less than" because they saw my quietness as apathy or just not trying hard enough to "get out of my comfort zone".
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  9. That is great insight Erin! I never thought of my own experiences that way but it really answers to quite a bit in our own home. I'm an extrovert, as is our son, all the while my husband and our daughter are more introverts.

    Thanks for sharing that!
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  10. Erin, your explanation of your first son, who is an extrovert, is so so so much like my relationship with my daughter. She also started talking very young, and has never ever stopped. I sometimes feel guilty because I just want her to STOP TALKING, but I also want to validate her and be sensitive to her personality and her needs since she is 4, and does not yet understand our differences, and that those differences don't mean I don't like her. SO HARD. I think healthy boundaries, as Jarred suggested, would really solve a lot of these differences...and being able to not take things too personally.
    Right now I'm part of a church organization, MOPS, and I'm a leader in that org., but it's VERY hard for me. The main reason I'm doing it, is because I really feel like there are so many moms/women out there who need to know that not everyone is perfect, and I have a sordid past, I have dealt with a lot of yucky stuff that a lot of other people have also dealt with, but don't want to talk about. I want them to know they are not alone, even in the middle of a Baptist church setting, if for one day a month. Anyhow, recently, the other leaders ran into one of my friends who happens to be Jewish, at a children's program at a library, and basically bombarded her with the idea of coming to our MOPS group and being a Christian in front of a lot of other people. It made me so mad, and when I approached them about it, they made a big deal of my need to step out of my comfort zone. This is not the first time I've been told I need to step out of my comfort zone in order to "witness" or whatever. I have never felt comfortable telling someone that they need to follow this certain formula to be "saved" or they will go to hell. No matter what the setting. No. I don't think so.
    Ok! Sorry for going off on a bunny trail! For some reason this just sparked something inside!
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  11. Fascinating discussion here. I think extroverts are very much insensitive to introverts and their desire for space. Very much so.

    I think there needs to be lessons taught on this sort of thing :)
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  12. Barbara - I wish I had a dollar for every time in church people told me I was too "reserved", "quiet", or needed to "come out of my shell". It was so aggravating.

    My "shell" isn't a place I go to hide, it's part of who I am, and much of why I possess the wisdom I do today. I rather like my "shell", thank you very much!
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  13. Cindi- The really important thing, especially with your daughter, is to never try to "fix" her and never call her "shy". She is not shy, she is introspective, and with that comes wisdom and intelligence.

    Here's a great list of famous introverts, too.

    In my experience, my mom was always trying to "fix" me, leading me to feel broken and eventually to severe depression. To her I clearly was not "normal", just because I wasn't like her. This can be true of lots of things, but from the people I know, it's especially true of introvert children of an extrovert parent.
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  14. Bunny trails are always welcome here, Kari. The evangelism thing is really hard for introverts. I like to refer to the great S. Francis quote

    "Preach the gospel at all times; if necessary, use words."
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  15. Sue - this really ought to be taught in schools...because a)introverts need to know they are OK, and b) extroverts need to know that introverts are ok.

    It would make a world of difference.
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