The 'Bass' Argument

In case you aren't on Facebook and hadn't heard, my nearly 13 year old wants a subwoofer for his birthday. In fine teenager form, he sent me an e-mail explaining why he should have a subwoofer. Here it is, exactly as written.

"Hi mom i know that you aren't sure about me getting a sub woofer here are some reasons i want one and here is a link to the one i want.
http://www.svsound.com/products-sub-box-10nsd.cfm
Oh and I will pay half of the sub woofer plus you can charge me interest if you want to. I want it because I am so addicted to bass and my speakers just don't deliver enough bass for me. I have heard dads sub woofer and realize that even his small one has better bass than my speakers. Plus with a sub woofer and bass speakers i will have the ultimate bass system but don't worry I will not play them if you ask me not to or will at least turn them down [after I argue why not to turn them down or off]. Uncle Andrew is going to get me a bunch of bass mekanik stuff [or he said he would and I wached him look for it] so that will sound just plane great with the sub woofer. I know for a fact that you like bass to so I don't think you would mind it too much. I will also play it a lot when your gone so that it absolutely can't bother you. I know what your thinking by now "oh i thought he wanted a PSP really bad why does he want this too. All he thinks about is buy buy buy." Well i do think about buy buy buy all the time but you know doesn't everybody for example dad is always talking about how he wants stuff for bikes and drums and racing and I know you agree. Also you always want clothes and technology [like phones and computers and laptops for example]. Also I know that I wanted a PSP but you know I have thought about it and I think that video games are not that important any more because skateboarding and stuff like that is just as fun or more fun plus you get exercise. As I have said before I love love love low and loud bass so I think I need a sub woofer for bass mekanik and other stuff plus rob zombie has some good base [in fact one of there songs has a low whistle that goes really low and you can almost feel it in your nerves]. Well now you know thatI i need and want a sub woofer for my birthday and remember I will pay half and you can charge watever amount of interest you want [within a resonable range like 1-30$ a month].

And there you have it. Nevermind that the sub he wants is $400 and we already have one "average" sub in the house, which he has been monopolizing for some time now. The "interest" thing is because he doesn't actually have the cash to pay half until he has spent the spring/summer mowing lawns. I doubt we would charge him, but I'm glad he understands that aspect of borrowing money.

My brother (the above-mentioned Uncle Andrew) is a self-described "bass snob" and sub-20Hz aficionado, suggested the SVS. While I know SVS would be a fantastic way to go, it's seeming to be more than we want to spend on a birthday present, even if our son does pay for some of it himself.

Do any of you audiophiles out there have a recommendation for a bit more "moderately" priced sub that will satisfy a 13 year old for a few years, but still deliver nice bass?

Ch-ch-changes

I feel like it's spring, even if it really is, but even if it doesn't really seem like it...it feels like spring in my soul. There has been so much going on with me, but so much I am choosing not to talk about publicly. Some of it is too personal (strange for me, yeah?) and some is difficult to write about without misunderstandings. But tonight I'm listening to my very nearly teenage son blast bass music on our subwoofer, so I decided to put my headphones on and do some writing.

I've been seeing Rosalie for 10 weeks (ever other week) now, Friday will be my sixth visit. It's amazing to me how much we can learn about ourselves when we simply listen to ourselves talk. Rosalie has pointed out some really interesting issues, things I have always known there was a problem with, but couldn't quite articulate.

One is more or less what I covered in the post 'Anvils'. I'm still struggling with setting boundaries and not taking on other people's problems. Another is having to do with validating my own pain and grief of the last year, and not letting other people's problems overshadow or invalidate it. I'm a minimizer of my own pain. I'm not yet clear on why, but I'm fairly sure it has to do with wanting not to contribute to others' pain...so I keep it to myself. This internalization isn't healthy for me, my ulcer can tell you that, and it's come to a point when I have to change the way I relate and the way I process pain.

It's a hard place to be, because I am still not adept at clarifying this to people without seeming mean; I'm guessing that is a learned behavior. Also, because I have always been one to shoulder other people's pain so well, but am coming to a place where it's harmful to me to continue doing it in some contexts, presents me as quite different in some people's perceptions. Good ol' strong Erin isn't wanting to be quite so strong, and this is out of character for me, even if it is healthier, it seems foreign.

Seeing how all these things play into my spirituality has been fascinating. It has shifted much of my blame for my painful church experiences from others onto my own life experiences. In other words, at least as much is broken in me as is broken in the people I have until now chosen to blame. Don't get me wrong, this isn't evidence of me taking responsibility for other people's behavior, because some of it was quite wrong. However, I do know that if I was a healthier person, I never would have gotten myself into the mess I did. Then again, I had to go through it to come to this place of healing, so it all works together for good. But what happened isn't solely the responsibility of the people who behaved in the ways which hurt me.

I want more than anything to grow into a healthier person, and hopefully pursue some avenue of being something helpful to other people. I'm feeling with this time I'm spending with Rosalie, that maybe eventually I will find that avenue.

Feeling more alive, more whole and having a new perspective on my life, both looking back and looking forward, and having hope that I haven't had in a very long time, that one day I will not only recover but thrive.

So what's new with you?

Mother/Daughter/Mother

Before I step into this post, I would like to point you to Julie Clawson's blog, where she has compiled a list links to everyone who participated in today's International Women's Day Synchroblog. I would love to say I have time to read and comment on all the beautiful posts that everyone has put so much time into, but I was away all weekend and have too much to catch up on now. I do want to hug you all, to send love your way, for taking time out of your lives to speak on this subject.

I had signed up to participate in the synchroblog, but I didn't. Last week I knew it was approaching, and I put a good deal of thought into it, but failed to find any inspiration to get a post written. Then, Wednesday evening, the opportunity came up for the kids and I to go to the coast with my mom for the weekend. While busy catching up on laundry and packing, the synchroblog received nary a thought. Saturday night it did occur to me, but I was away and it was too late. Still, I don't want it to slip by without a mention.

I might not be writing on women of the bible or how to aid the lives of women in third-world nations. However, in the scope of my own life, what I have to say is no less important. I spent this weekend with my mom, who could have easily died a month ago, with a new appreciation for what it means for her to be my mother, and for I to be her daughter. No less, with my boys, I couldn't help but think about what it means for me to their mother. Three generations spent the weekend together, doing nothing in particular other than looking at the ocean, swimming in the pool, and watching tv, together. A weekend spent in mother and daughter relationships.

It was a simple thing, not seeming too profound or extraordinary. So often, we don't stop long to give a thought to the value of being female. We bear a host of responsibilities, we nurture and love in a priceless way. We alone have the ability to bring life into this world. We raise up that life, watching it grow into adulthood, and step into their own parenting roles.

We bring continuity to the human race, the circle of life, the passing on of mother/daughter/mother...and on into infinity. It is the beauty of perpetuity, and the grace our Father-Mother in heaven has bestowed upon us as women, wives, mothers, and lovers. This weekend, it didn't escape my attention.

Jesus-ish

Lately, I have been reading a number of opinions on the word 'missional'. While I once embraced this word, as time has gone on I have come to largely dislike it. The problem with 'misssional' in my opinion, as a label or a lifestyle, is how it seems to have ended up being just another exclusive club. Generally speaking, it seems in some circles that a person who doesn't identify as missional isn't as authentic or enlightened of a Christian as someone who does.

Give a label to a concept, and people want to know what the label means, so it must be defined. The definition allows people to know when to apply that label to something; however, the definition ultimately also allows people to know when NOT to apply said label. You have to draw the line somewhere, right? One cannot say anyone can be a part of the club, because then the label would cease to have any meaning. Therefore the club *must* be exclusive, at least to some degree. Labels also require standardization. In the process of defining a label, we have to ask, "What is the ideal model of this label?", which inevitably causes there to be varying degrees of adherence to a label, and a hierarchy is born; the same hierarchy many of us have railed against in the church system.

The way I see it, the primary force driving the downfall of Christianity isn't whether we are this label/are not that label, but rather stems from the problem of inclusion/exclusion on any level. Personally, I don't even draw lines around the word "Christian" anymore, because it is not up to me to decide a person's spiritual authenticity based on my own criteria. If a person identifies themselves as a Christian, in my mind they are.

Yes, I have drawn lines around my beliefs for the clarity and safety of my own spiritual journey. I still believe the question of equality for women in Christianity is a justice issue with no wiggle room. I still believe it is ludicrous for churches to invest exponentially more in buildings and staff than in caring for the real needs of people in the church and community. I still am convinced that the church has no business in politics.

My personal convictions are useful for you to better understand me. However, my personal convictions are decidedly not useful to me in determining how authentic of a Christian a person is. There really is only one measure of a person's authenticity as a Christian; I'll get to that in a minute.

Looking around the blogs lately I am seeing more and more people say they are tired of the same old conversation; they want more life in their life. It seems conceivable to me that the conversations we've been having about emerging/missional, new ways to be/do, have one big hang-up: they are just too difficult for many of us to put into practice at the level we might theorize about them. We generally theorize about something at the level of the ideal, and in practice we often will feel we have failed right out of the starting gate because we have set our standards so high.

So then, I have decided not to set complex standards and labels on my spirituality. I'm not missional. I'm not emerging, emergent, postmodern, Christian, heretical, democrat, or universalist. I'm just Erin, and it's my heart's desire to live my life looking for needs I can fill, and then filling them. I draw no religious lines defining to who is in our out of the "good Christian" club depending on what philosophies or theologies a person subscribes to; my line in the sand only depends on how much a person lives to be like JESUS. Notice I didn't say how much a person is LIKE Jesus, because we all fail at that, but how much a person lives their life with the desire to be like Jesus.

How do I define 'Like Jesus'? Simple. We know Jesus is love. Love, well, I'll let the apostle Paul tell you:

Love:

Never gives up.
Cares more for others than for self.
Doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

(1 Corinthians 13: 4-7, The Message)

You can call it missional, if you'd like. You can call it the prime directive, if that better suits you. Hell, you can call it 'pizza', for all I care. If Jesus is love, and love is manifested in the above ways, then I aim to spend the rest of my life being Jesus-ish.

Whatnot

Sue and I were just saying, via -email, how an online friendship is a whole new realm for humanity, with a whole new relational paradigm, with new rules and such. I do feel that coming to know someone in text is beneficial in many ways...I have found myself so much more likely to get to know someone who isn't like me. In "real life" I know I have the tendency to join with people who are mostly like me; I think many of us do. It seems I am more likely to take the time to try to understand someones place in this world when I read their words.

However, so much of ourselves is lost in the written word. Obviously there is the loss of expression, body language, and that face to face connection. Beyond that, it's clear to me that most of us censor ourselves in our written words; not just in the more public blog posts and comments, but even in the more private venue of e-mail. When we have a spoken, face to face conversation with someone, we have to edit ourselves on the fly. We are more likely to say something inadvertently hurtful, requiring the art of apology.

In the beginning, when I started the blog, I hoped that I would find a platform for my voice. I believed myself wizened and having something useful to say. It was my goal to say it and positively impact as many people as possible with my great knowledge and advice. I wrote blog posts to be eloquent, educated and informative. Essentially, I wrote for quality, much of the time. I was certain that one day I would be offered a book deal. (OK well not literally, but the hope was there.)

We all know that time changes things, and I have learned more from you, the beautiful people I have met here, than I could have ever hoped for you to learn from me. There is no measure to the value I have seen in the relationships, the people, I have come to know here. To me there is no point at this time in trying to write for wonder and beauty and a book deal or recognition. You all are worth far more to me than all that, and I just wanted to say so. This blog is no longer my career future, it's my online living room. Sit right down, the coffee is good.

With all that, I still find I have things to say, so I'm not going away. But I'm admitting, that at least for this season, things will continue to be more slow here than I would like. I'm not going to force myself to write for the sake of it.

Likewise, maybe I'm tired of complaining. There have been so many things this last week or two, on the emerging-missional blogs, that I could complain about. We received another lovely mass e-mail from our ex-church; I could easily complain about the content of that. I have read some pretty irritating "stay in church" fodder, and I'm sure I could gripe about that. But why? Most of you who read here, those I know of anyhow, understand my feelings, know my experiences, and I don't need to continue to repeat myself just to hear myself speak.

Instead I am sitting back, thinking. About the good, and where my place is in it. About the places like The Refuge, The Bridge, HomePDX...the really tangible good I see going on in Jesus name. Not sure where all that is going, but it's swirling around in my head looking for something to attach itself to.

Sigh, I'm sure I will still find things to bitch about, like a church that has a "community service day" where all the church members spend the day cleaning up the church. Sigh. Or about the mega-church that calls itself "Family". What part of the word "family" is lost in that? I mean, it has wonderful lovely feelings about it, but seriously? I have a "Family" of close to 10,000 people; 2000 of which I am with at any given time in church? Really?

So I guess in a nutshell, not much has changed.

Oh, but I'm on Skype now, I've been meaning to mention it. Look me up as erinword of you want to chat.

That's all for now.