5.04.2009
Promise of a New Day V
In my previous post, I spoke of the revelation (much thanks to Gary) of an idea that the label of "Christian" needs to be internally driven (what does it mean to me?) rather than externally driven (what does it mean to others?). This has set me free to retain a label that I have been trying to reject for over four years. Now, there are entirely new arguments about faith being me-centric, but that's for another time. Selfish, maybe, but if I can remain a 'Christian' in spite of my adversity towards anyone telling me what/where/how to believe, it's a good thing.
This epiphany recalibrates everything I have been anti- these last years. Suddenly I'm not on the outside harboring an us vs. them mentality. I am one of them, because I chose to accept the label in spite of it's flaws. I will be the first and loudest to tell you I have been bitter, oh so very , very bitter. Hurt, angry and abandoned, I have been beating my fists against the ghosts of what happened once, in one person's life (mine), in one situation. This is unfair, for it forces me to invalidate all the good and life-affirming others might find within the walls of the institution. However, I firmly grip those for whom these same failures in the church have been agonizing and murderous to their faith. I am not one; we are many.
Likewise, I have no motivation to convince others to retain the label if they choose to reject it, because I know the pain that is wrapped up in a single word and cannot dictate healing from that pain for anyone. I will always and forever have a heart deeply rooted in running triage for those who escape, broken and bleeding and desperate someone to bandage their wounds and hold their hand. The church can be the most evil force in a persons life, and I will never defend the institution against accusations that it has performed many a delicate or unnecessary surgery without anesthesia. However, God is available apart from the church, and to some of us he is more available apart.
Once, not long before my church fiasco, I remember a friend telling me that the only place she ever felt God was inside the walls of a church. I said, "That's funny, church is the only place I don't feel God." Very panentheistic of me at the time, and it is still mostly true to this day. Being inside walls and trying to meet God feels to me like wearing a too-small shoe. It can be done, but only for short spells and rarely, at that.
The label of 'Christian' was originally accepted by the disciples as a symbol of freedom, but has become a prison for many. I desire to evidence, in my own life and faith that this freedom truly does exist. However we choose to worship, however we choose to practice, however we choose to believe, if Jesus is our life-giver, he is always available to us. There is no mandate other than to love. There is no purpose to our lives other than to love. There is no truth other than love. For through the lens of love, all other things become clear.
All that being said, I have been seeing the light, the true base of what I want to work towards. I rail against all those things which wounded me, even while in the depths of my subconscious knowing that those same things don't wound everyone. I don't want to see any systems fall as long as a single person is honestly filled through that system. Yes, of course I will continue to do battle against the forces that would drive mean, malicious, hateful words or behaviors, one Christian towards another, because in them there is no love. However, my main passion isn't to do away with anything, but to make people who are hurting keenly aware that they are not chained to any one expression of Christianity. There is freedom, and true freedom is to serve Christ as we are led, to worship in the way we find life, to find his everpresence in the places he awaits us, each individually. Tearing down the institution would be forever a futile effort, however, some people no longer belong to it. It's my goal not to set them free from the chains of the church, but to show them the chains never existed in the first place, they only have to choose not to wear them.
Next: Epilogue
Promise of a New Day I
Promise of a New Day II
Promise of a New Day III
Promise of a New Day IV
Promise of a New Day V
Promise of a New Day: Epilogue
This epiphany recalibrates everything I have been anti- these last years. Suddenly I'm not on the outside harboring an us vs. them mentality. I am one of them, because I chose to accept the label in spite of it's flaws. I will be the first and loudest to tell you I have been bitter, oh so very , very bitter. Hurt, angry and abandoned, I have been beating my fists against the ghosts of what happened once, in one person's life (mine), in one situation. This is unfair, for it forces me to invalidate all the good and life-affirming others might find within the walls of the institution. However, I firmly grip those for whom these same failures in the church have been agonizing and murderous to their faith. I am not one; we are many.
Likewise, I have no motivation to convince others to retain the label if they choose to reject it, because I know the pain that is wrapped up in a single word and cannot dictate healing from that pain for anyone. I will always and forever have a heart deeply rooted in running triage for those who escape, broken and bleeding and desperate someone to bandage their wounds and hold their hand. The church can be the most evil force in a persons life, and I will never defend the institution against accusations that it has performed many a delicate or unnecessary surgery without anesthesia. However, God is available apart from the church, and to some of us he is more available apart.
Once, not long before my church fiasco, I remember a friend telling me that the only place she ever felt God was inside the walls of a church. I said, "That's funny, church is the only place I don't feel God." Very panentheistic of me at the time, and it is still mostly true to this day. Being inside walls and trying to meet God feels to me like wearing a too-small shoe. It can be done, but only for short spells and rarely, at that.
The label of 'Christian' was originally accepted by the disciples as a symbol of freedom, but has become a prison for many. I desire to evidence, in my own life and faith that this freedom truly does exist. However we choose to worship, however we choose to practice, however we choose to believe, if Jesus is our life-giver, he is always available to us. There is no mandate other than to love. There is no purpose to our lives other than to love. There is no truth other than love. For through the lens of love, all other things become clear.
All that being said, I have been seeing the light, the true base of what I want to work towards. I rail against all those things which wounded me, even while in the depths of my subconscious knowing that those same things don't wound everyone. I don't want to see any systems fall as long as a single person is honestly filled through that system. Yes, of course I will continue to do battle against the forces that would drive mean, malicious, hateful words or behaviors, one Christian towards another, because in them there is no love. However, my main passion isn't to do away with anything, but to make people who are hurting keenly aware that they are not chained to any one expression of Christianity. There is freedom, and true freedom is to serve Christ as we are led, to worship in the way we find life, to find his everpresence in the places he awaits us, each individually. Tearing down the institution would be forever a futile effort, however, some people no longer belong to it. It's my goal not to set them free from the chains of the church, but to show them the chains never existed in the first place, they only have to choose not to wear them.
Next: Epilogue
Promise of a New Day I
Promise of a New Day II
Promise of a New Day III
Promise of a New Day IV
Promise of a New Day V
Promise of a New Day: Epilogue
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