In my previous post, I spoke of the revelation (much thanks to Gary) of an idea that the label of "Christian" needs to be internally driven (what does it mean to me?) rather than externally driven (what does it mean to others?). This has set me free to retain a label that I have been trying to reject for over four years. Now, there are entirely new arguments about faith being me-centric, but that's for another time. Selfish, maybe, but if I can remain a 'Christian' in spite of my adversity towards anyone telling me what/where/how to believe, it's a good thing.
This epiphany recalibrates everything I have been anti- these last years. Suddenly I'm not on the outside harboring an us vs. them mentality. I am one of them, because I chose to accept the label in spite of it's flaws. I will be the first and loudest to tell you I have been bitter, oh so very , very bitter. Hurt, angry and abandoned, I have been beating my fists against the ghosts of what happened once, in one person's life (mine), in one situation. This is unfair, for it forces me to invalidate all the good and life-affirming others might find within the walls of the institution. However, I firmly grip those for whom these same failures in the church have been agonizing and murderous to their faith. I am not one; we are many.
Likewise, I have no motivation to convince others to retain the label if they choose to reject it, because I know the pain that is wrapped up in a single word and cannot dictate healing from that pain for anyone. I will always and forever have a heart deeply rooted in running triage for those who escape, broken and bleeding and desperate someone to bandage their wounds and hold their hand. The church can be the most evil force in a persons life, and I will never defend the institution against accusations that it has performed many a delicate or unnecessary surgery without anesthesia. However, God is available apart from the church, and to some of us he is more available apart.
Once, not long before my church fiasco, I remember a friend telling me that the only place she ever felt God was inside the walls of a church. I said, "That's funny, church is the only place I don't feel God." Very panentheistic of me at the time, and it is still mostly true to this day. Being inside walls and trying to meet God feels to me like wearing a too-small shoe. It can be done, but only for short spells and rarely, at that.
The label of 'Christian' was originally accepted by the disciples as a symbol of freedom, but has become a prison for many. I desire to evidence, in my own life and faith that this freedom truly does exist. However we choose to worship, however we choose to practice, however we choose to believe, if Jesus is our life-giver, he is always available to us. There is no mandate other than to love. There is no purpose to our lives other than to love. There is no truth other than love. For through the lens of love, all other things become clear.
All that being said, I have been seeing the light, the true base of what I want to work towards. I rail against all those things which wounded me, even while in the depths of my subconscious knowing that those same things don't wound everyone. I don't want to see any systems fall as long as a single person is honestly filled through that system. Yes, of course I will continue to do battle against the forces that would drive mean, malicious, hateful words or behaviors, one Christian towards another, because in them there is no love. However, my main passion isn't to do away with anything, but to make people who are hurting keenly aware that they are not chained to any one expression of Christianity. There is freedom, and true freedom is to serve Christ as we are led, to worship in the way we find life, to find his everpresence in the places he awaits us, each individually. Tearing down the institution would be forever a futile effort, however, some people no longer belong to it. It's my goal not to set them free from the chains of the church, but to show them the chains never existed in the first place, they only have to choose not to wear them.
Next: Epilogue
Promise of a New Day I
Promise of a New Day II
Promise of a New Day III
Promise of a New Day IV
Promise of a New Day V
Promise of a New Day: Epilogue
This epiphany recalibrates everything I have been anti- these last years. Suddenly I'm not on the outside harboring an us vs. them mentality. I am one of them, because I chose to accept the label in spite of it's flaws. I will be the first and loudest to tell you I have been bitter, oh so very , very bitter. Hurt, angry and abandoned, I have been beating my fists against the ghosts of what happened once, in one person's life (mine), in one situation. This is unfair, for it forces me to invalidate all the good and life-affirming others might find within the walls of the institution. However, I firmly grip those for whom these same failures in the church have been agonizing and murderous to their faith. I am not one; we are many.
Likewise, I have no motivation to convince others to retain the label if they choose to reject it, because I know the pain that is wrapped up in a single word and cannot dictate healing from that pain for anyone. I will always and forever have a heart deeply rooted in running triage for those who escape, broken and bleeding and desperate someone to bandage their wounds and hold their hand. The church can be the most evil force in a persons life, and I will never defend the institution against accusations that it has performed many a delicate or unnecessary surgery without anesthesia. However, God is available apart from the church, and to some of us he is more available apart.
Once, not long before my church fiasco, I remember a friend telling me that the only place she ever felt God was inside the walls of a church. I said, "That's funny, church is the only place I don't feel God." Very panentheistic of me at the time, and it is still mostly true to this day. Being inside walls and trying to meet God feels to me like wearing a too-small shoe. It can be done, but only for short spells and rarely, at that.
The label of 'Christian' was originally accepted by the disciples as a symbol of freedom, but has become a prison for many. I desire to evidence, in my own life and faith that this freedom truly does exist. However we choose to worship, however we choose to practice, however we choose to believe, if Jesus is our life-giver, he is always available to us. There is no mandate other than to love. There is no purpose to our lives other than to love. There is no truth other than love. For through the lens of love, all other things become clear.
All that being said, I have been seeing the light, the true base of what I want to work towards. I rail against all those things which wounded me, even while in the depths of my subconscious knowing that those same things don't wound everyone. I don't want to see any systems fall as long as a single person is honestly filled through that system. Yes, of course I will continue to do battle against the forces that would drive mean, malicious, hateful words or behaviors, one Christian towards another, because in them there is no love. However, my main passion isn't to do away with anything, but to make people who are hurting keenly aware that they are not chained to any one expression of Christianity. There is freedom, and true freedom is to serve Christ as we are led, to worship in the way we find life, to find his everpresence in the places he awaits us, each individually. Tearing down the institution would be forever a futile effort, however, some people no longer belong to it. It's my goal not to set them free from the chains of the church, but to show them the chains never existed in the first place, they only have to choose not to wear them.
Next: Epilogue
Promise of a New Day I
Promise of a New Day II
Promise of a New Day III
Promise of a New Day IV
Promise of a New Day V
Promise of a New Day: Epilogue
12 comments:
Nice one, chicky babe :)
Just yesterday I was saying to someone that I would love to see the whole thing just blow itself up because of the evil that comes from it. But I have no desire to actually indulge in the violence that would be required to blow said system up :) I guess what my hope is, is that it will be God doing it, somehow. Or that the system itself will fall, as seems to be the way of these sorts of things.
But oh, I love your perspective that as long as one person is finding life then it needs to stand. That sounds much more like wheat and tares to me :)
Good stuff.
Hmmm.... yeah, there can be so much pain. And it can go all the way back to the beginning of a life (me). But....
I am reminded of a conversation I had with Papa not long after I walked away from the church - we were talking about the religious boxes that people tried to put each other and GOd in.....
Me: Papa, can I take a baseball bat to those religious boxes?
Papa: No. There are people who are leaning on those boxes. If you knock the boxes out from under them, they will fall and get hurt.
Me: Okay, okay, *sigh*....
Papa: But you can use a screwdriver and dismantle the boxes....carefully..
Yeah.
S/he's so much more considerate than we are, isn't s/he :)
I have been certain I would love to see the entire system blown up. There are so many reasons. I think of all the souls that would be set free. But then, am I to assume that the system is toxic for EVERYONE? I like to convince myself that those who find life in the system are simply deluded, they took the blue pill, lol...but realize that my own bitterness has probably made ME deluded in some way too.
A screwdriver, yeah, Katherine...that's where I'm at. Slowly and carefully, being sure to erect temporary supports in place of the boxes until they stretch their legs a bit.
I would love to see everyone walk in freedom from law and performance expectations and hierarchy (as our friend Nicole mentions today) but the reality is, some people don't want or need saving.
I saw The Soloist this weekend, and my takeaway was simple, when we look at people and assume they want or need helping, we are doing them a disservice. He didn't ask for help, he didn't think he needed it, and the movie is about what happens when someone well-meaning but misguided tries to fix him. All sorts of trouble ensues.
But those people who want out but feel chained...yeah, their mine!
Yes S/He is, Sue. Good thing...all we have to do is be willing to try to learn something from time to time, as much as it sucks.
What wonderful words Erin that speak of freedom and blow of the lid of religious thinking! You do have a weapon...your words. They have influence and help people to see things differently. The Kingdom of God is like yeast, it catches on. When people have a truth encounter, they can be freed!
You said this yourself:
"to show them the chains never existed in the first place, they only have to choose not to wear them."
you're good....have I mentioned lately that you have an incredible way with words?
I love you and I love the journey towards healing and hope that you are on...gives me hope for all of us!!!
Wow, thank you Ruth. I only hope that what you say is true, that someone somewhere who needs it has heard this and been encouraged. Thank you for affirming me in that.
Thanks Donna. You have been worth more than you know in all this for me. Just sayin'. :)
Coming from my own church pain as well as a pastor's wife, this post is right on target. There is a LOT of pain inside church walls. Sometimes people outside the church are more decent, nicer than those inside. There are real wolves inside church's walls. You hit the nail on the head. I know of another pastor's wife whose husband leads his particular church by abandoning traditionalism and focusing on being REAL. They seem to be reaching out to the hurting, the maimed, the injured from other churches and other religions. Being REAL is it! Knowing that we love the Lord, minus all this traditionalism that often binds and hurt us, really helps.
Great posts. Thanks for the thoughts.
PW - In my own subjective experience, I think too much of church has been focused on people telling other people what to believe, how to think, how to live...without ever considering their own flaws and failures. Almost like we believe we gain favor in God's eyes by chastising other believers. I have seen so much pain caused by this...and it tends to eliminate room for the unconditional love Jesus wanted us to have for each other.
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