I'll be first in line to tell you that I know nothing, and I reserve the right to correct myself at any time. However, I have come to the conclusion that the key to healthy faith is an ongoing and continuous "movement", and therefore this place I've settled is not the right place for me. Any transformation of faith I undergo cannot be seen as the end result, comfortable as it might be.
Someone smack me if I ever think I've "arrived".
Faith is fluid and possibly even could be perceived as antithetical to itself in it's constant state of evolution. Any concept that tries, either deliberately or inadvertently, to make Christianity into something textbook or formulaic is no longer on my radar, because it will inevitably believe it is "right", stagnating and becoming proud in its own correctness. Kinda like me. OK, so I don't know anything; we've already established that.
I think this is a contributing factor to why I haven't been writing as much. I have stagnated. I have developed a sense of apathy towards this place I have landed, and a sense of pride for having become so "progressive". There has to be more...this can't be everything there is to spirituality. And yet, I have found myself patting myself on the back, congratulating myself for how far I've come, and enjoying, just a little too much, the comfort of this now familiar place.
The sense of restlessness is deep, and as much as I try to ignore it, it begs to be heard. I owe my life to the "emerging conversation", for I would not still be here if I hadn't found something that validated my journey and saved me from the pain I was in. It's a debt of gratitude for the voices, both small and large, I owe for seeing me through this season of resolving my faith and finding my freedom; and I will forever value the relationships I have developed. Yet, I can't make my camp here.
That may sound like a "goodbye"; I assure you it's not. After months of feeling lost in a spiritual fog, I have begun to see light again. I've wondered these last months where my apathy has come from, and if nothing else, spiritual boredom. I have to be challenged for my faith to survive. As much as I'd love to settle into a label and call it good, I cannot. You see, I have been searching for the place I belong, the label that "fits"; I have failed miserably. Or, more accurately, I have missed the point entirely. Once again I've sought solace in a label or a methodology, wanting to belong to something. I have looked to books to tell me I have it right, I have looked to others to validate me. I have wanted to stay here, in this comfortable, familiar place. But I cannot, for the point is not finding the label that fits, but in continuing to seek out Jesus, wherever that may take me.
One could easily say that my wanderlust is a dangerous thing. You may worry that, as I prance around the outskirts of "normative" Christianity, I'll fall off the edge and out into the space that is pluralism. But like the earth, Christianity is not flat, it is round, and possesses a gravity that I cannot escape. So I'll continue to prance, explore new territory, and fear not.
Still, something tells me that moving forward doesn't always mean leaving the prior thing behind.
To be continued....
Promise of a New Day I
Promise of a New Day II
Promise of a New Day III
Promise of a New Day IV
Promise of a New Day V
Promise of a New Day: Epilogue
Someone smack me if I ever think I've "arrived".
Faith is fluid and possibly even could be perceived as antithetical to itself in it's constant state of evolution. Any concept that tries, either deliberately or inadvertently, to make Christianity into something textbook or formulaic is no longer on my radar, because it will inevitably believe it is "right", stagnating and becoming proud in its own correctness. Kinda like me. OK, so I don't know anything; we've already established that.
I think this is a contributing factor to why I haven't been writing as much. I have stagnated. I have developed a sense of apathy towards this place I have landed, and a sense of pride for having become so "progressive". There has to be more...this can't be everything there is to spirituality. And yet, I have found myself patting myself on the back, congratulating myself for how far I've come, and enjoying, just a little too much, the comfort of this now familiar place.
The sense of restlessness is deep, and as much as I try to ignore it, it begs to be heard. I owe my life to the "emerging conversation", for I would not still be here if I hadn't found something that validated my journey and saved me from the pain I was in. It's a debt of gratitude for the voices, both small and large, I owe for seeing me through this season of resolving my faith and finding my freedom; and I will forever value the relationships I have developed. Yet, I can't make my camp here.
That may sound like a "goodbye"; I assure you it's not. After months of feeling lost in a spiritual fog, I have begun to see light again. I've wondered these last months where my apathy has come from, and if nothing else, spiritual boredom. I have to be challenged for my faith to survive. As much as I'd love to settle into a label and call it good, I cannot. You see, I have been searching for the place I belong, the label that "fits"; I have failed miserably. Or, more accurately, I have missed the point entirely. Once again I've sought solace in a label or a methodology, wanting to belong to something. I have looked to books to tell me I have it right, I have looked to others to validate me. I have wanted to stay here, in this comfortable, familiar place. But I cannot, for the point is not finding the label that fits, but in continuing to seek out Jesus, wherever that may take me.
One could easily say that my wanderlust is a dangerous thing. You may worry that, as I prance around the outskirts of "normative" Christianity, I'll fall off the edge and out into the space that is pluralism. But like the earth, Christianity is not flat, it is round, and possesses a gravity that I cannot escape. So I'll continue to prance, explore new territory, and fear not.
Still, something tells me that moving forward doesn't always mean leaving the prior thing behind.
To be continued....
Promise of a New Day I
Promise of a New Day II
Promise of a New Day III
Promise of a New Day IV
Promise of a New Day V
Promise of a New Day: Epilogue
26 comments:
Erin, I don't know what to say in response to this, but I feel like your words are very important to my journey. I'm glad you have the gifts of insight and articulation because what you have to share is so valuable.
I think you're right, of course, that faith has to be active. :)
the way I figure it, God is constantly pulling us closer to what he wants us to be, but definitionally, in this broken world, we can't get all the way there. So faith and love have to keep us moving, flushing out un-faith, and apathy, and depression and despair . . . growing us always not just more in love and faith and all that--but to a greater capacity for those things. I look forward to reading part two.
Ooh. This is exciting! I can so relate to all that you have said. And really, I can understand why we want to stop where we feel comfortable - it's not like there's been great wads of comfort lying on the ground like manna in this journey, right? But it's funny you mentioned not making your camp where you find yourself. Those were exactly the same words I was saying to myself yesterday. It feels like there is such a danger in stopping, that a Christian stopped is a Christian getting ready to become a self-righteous plonker :) It just seems to be the way.
We really are spiritual sojourners, aren't we? Even if we aren't literal physical ones, we have to keep moving on where the Spirit goes. Hooray for wanderlust :)
Oh, you have put this so well!! I have had nearly the exact same feelings since September, which is why I have barely posted anything or commented. I have also stagnated and been restless for adventure and challenge. The apathy is getting old now. I can't wait to see what is on the horizon!!
I'm not worried. :-)
Hey Barbara...thank you. It always blesses me when you think I've said something helpful to you.
Sara - it seems odd to me, the people I know who think they have it all down pat and correct and refuse to consider anything new or different...because we are always learning and growing...when we stop being willing to change, we miss things.
Sue, I have found God is always revealing something new. I think I have to learn that I have to always move towards that new thing or risk becoming prideful in everything I *think* I know. Maybe that's why he's always chasing us into new territory?
Hi Tina, good to see you. The horizon is both scary and tempting....because while I'm somewhat afraid to find out what's out there, I can't help myself. This place I have been for 4 years has become rather boring. Maybe some of us are born to be Lewis and Clark.
I hope you find your new horizon.
Good thing, Cindy. :)
Oh my goodness. I jumped inside when I read this post. Evolution. Transformation doesn't happen in a day - it happens over a lifetime and is that not what God is doing in his creation all the time. He is transforming us into his own image and since the blueprint for that is inside us hidden under the stuff it just takes a while - long while with many starts and stops and changes in direction and tastes and everything until that expression of himself that is us gets free and we become who we are. So I'm excited for you to reach a place where what was is no longer "it" anymore and that you have the grace to recognize that. Keep moving. Thank you God that you love us as we are and enough to keep changing us.
Someone smack me if I ever think I've "arrived".
That is a very healthy posture to take! I think you are in a great place Erin. Your heart longs for something more and you are looking for what Jesus is doing.
The book "Experiencing God" by Henry Blackaby changed my paradigm when he said that we should be looking for what God is doing and jumping on board when we see it.
"as I prance around the outskirts of 'normative' Christianity," What a delightful image!
As often happens here, I found myself nodding my head in agreement as I read. I look with anticipation to the future, yours...mine... others'.
I was lead to your blog, via Gary's blog and I am so grateful he posts links to new expressions and thoughts.
You write beautifully and you express what I have found elusive to say the least in my own ability to convey what I've been feeling.
I have been questioning constantly lately what 'title' do I fit under and do I really believe that which I just said I did?
I'm constantly seeking and in this search for the answer, I find myself growing... it's when I pause for too long that I start to feel 'wrestless'...
Thank you for this message. Sincerely, Livy
P.S. I'd like to add you to my blog if you wouldn't mind and in that as well, I'd love to add a link to your blog on my own. Would this be ok with you?
very easy to smile when reading this post erin. I enjoy reading your words, they seem to just dance in a freestyle pattern that connects to deep wonderings within my own soul, as i can see also in your commenters. I guess faith is like wind, ever try to make wind stop moving?? lol I am excited to see what is ahead soon for the pinkhaired lady whoohoo!!!
Thanks for your words of encouragement, Ann. I appreciate them. Realizing when it's time to move is a very important part of it all.
I have read Experiencing God, and done the study, Ruth, about 5 years ago. It was good; I completely relate to the idea of looking to see what God is doing, and following him.
Thanks Gary. Me too.
Hi Livy, it's wonderful to meet you. I think you posed an important question...when we adopt any label, we have to ask ourselves if we really believe what that label indicates. That's probably why I'm so hesitant to adopt anything...because I haven't found anything that I completely agree with.
It seems all your blogs on your profile are "private"? Is there another one I could check out?
I agree, Robert, that faith is like the wind...and no, we can't stop it from where it will go. I like that.
One of those definitions of the faith I now posess is, when new evidence presents itself, reassess your belief and do what feels right. This indeed creates fluidity of faith. Some scoff that fluidity is not a real faith, but they change over the seasons, but see no difference. the restlessness is there for a reason. the Spirit pushing you to go until you find what He/She/It wants you to find.
I can't help but look back with wonder at the years since we first met..I love that we are moving, that faith and God are fluid and not static and stale. I want to peek ahead and see what the next few years ahead will bring but I think it's time to sit back and enjoy the ride!!
Love you Erin and am looking forward to some time with you!!!
You pretty much summed it up, Nate. When new evidence becomes apparent, it's time to reassess. We will always possess a limited image of God, but I do believe from time to time he reveals something new, another angle we have to consider. It's failure to refuse to consider it simply because we are comfortable with the image of God we already have.
Four years ago God told me to "move". For two years prior, I had refused to move, so he made it impossible for me to avoid. I can't even tell you, Donna, how grateful I am that he did.
Now I find myself in one of those places again...where he's wanting me to move. Last time, when I ignored him it was such a disaster, so I'm not going to make that mistake again. I'm just looking for the next thing.
Wow, so much of my own thoughts the last few months.
Thanks PW, it's always nice to meet someone who has thought the same things.
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