Ch-ch-changes

I feel like it's spring, even if it really is, but even if it doesn't really seem like it...it feels like spring in my soul. There has been so much going on with me, but so much I am choosing not to talk about publicly. Some of it is too personal (strange for me, yeah?) and some is difficult to write about without misunderstandings. But tonight I'm listening to my very nearly teenage son blast bass music on our subwoofer, so I decided to put my headphones on and do some writing.

I've been seeing Rosalie for 10 weeks (ever other week) now, Friday will be my sixth visit. It's amazing to me how much we can learn about ourselves when we simply listen to ourselves talk. Rosalie has pointed out some really interesting issues, things I have always known there was a problem with, but couldn't quite articulate.

One is more or less what I covered in the post 'Anvils'. I'm still struggling with setting boundaries and not taking on other people's problems. Another is having to do with validating my own pain and grief of the last year, and not letting other people's problems overshadow or invalidate it. I'm a minimizer of my own pain. I'm not yet clear on why, but I'm fairly sure it has to do with wanting not to contribute to others' pain...so I keep it to myself. This internalization isn't healthy for me, my ulcer can tell you that, and it's come to a point when I have to change the way I relate and the way I process pain.

It's a hard place to be, because I am still not adept at clarifying this to people without seeming mean; I'm guessing that is a learned behavior. Also, because I have always been one to shoulder other people's pain so well, but am coming to a place where it's harmful to me to continue doing it in some contexts, presents me as quite different in some people's perceptions. Good ol' strong Erin isn't wanting to be quite so strong, and this is out of character for me, even if it is healthier, it seems foreign.

Seeing how all these things play into my spirituality has been fascinating. It has shifted much of my blame for my painful church experiences from others onto my own life experiences. In other words, at least as much is broken in me as is broken in the people I have until now chosen to blame. Don't get me wrong, this isn't evidence of me taking responsibility for other people's behavior, because some of it was quite wrong. However, I do know that if I was a healthier person, I never would have gotten myself into the mess I did. Then again, I had to go through it to come to this place of healing, so it all works together for good. But what happened isn't solely the responsibility of the people who behaved in the ways which hurt me.

I want more than anything to grow into a healthier person, and hopefully pursue some avenue of being something helpful to other people. I'm feeling with this time I'm spending with Rosalie, that maybe eventually I will find that avenue.

Feeling more alive, more whole and having a new perspective on my life, both looking back and looking forward, and having hope that I haven't had in a very long time, that one day I will not only recover but thrive.

So what's new with you?