Trying to write a follow-up has proven challenging. After numerous false starts, I'm wondering when I will have more to say on the matter. Of, course I have much to say, but am not finding the words to be forthcoming.
Someone used to tell me I am a prolific writer. I used to believe her. Yes, I can crank it out, but so much of it has been a worthwhile effort to skirt the real issues, because they are far too personal and formidable to actually talk about. How often do I really write from the gut, the heart, the soul? However, I am feeling, as my writing truly emerges from the muck of the years, little scares me anymore. It has been a spiral down (or up, depending on the day), spinning around, always closing in on that which is true in my soul.
I try these days to write by Spirit...and I hate using that terminology because it just feels like too much abusive yuckness and unbearable weight from the charismatic years...please know I don't mean it that way. Spirit is that which is God within us, not some means by which to control people, and not something that can be chased after with words and deeds.
People have occasionally asked me how I know Spirit; it's not something that I possess sufficient vocabulary for. If life is waves crashing on the shore, Spirit is sun. If life is that which gives worry and anxiety, Spirit is peace. If life is the city, Spirit is the forest. If life is a storm, Spirit is the wind. I set my sails by it. Take whichever metaphor you like.
On this particular topic, I have to follow Spirit; both to remain safe, and to protect you from reading content you really wish you hadn't. With that, I cannot promise when the words will come. I only know Spirit has been there always, and if I listen, she does not steer me wrong.
Maybe I'm not in such a hurry to cinch my coat tightly around me and turn my back to the bluster. Maybe I am standing on the prow of a speeding ship, with my arms spread wide. Whichever, it does seem the longer I'm on this journey the easier it is to experience the wind; and for that, I'm grateful.
Fallen: Part I
Amateur Therapy Hour
She's Like the Wind
Awakenings
Fallen II: Shit Makes Things Grow
The Saturnine Cycle
Light in the Windows
Someone used to tell me I am a prolific writer. I used to believe her. Yes, I can crank it out, but so much of it has been a worthwhile effort to skirt the real issues, because they are far too personal and formidable to actually talk about. How often do I really write from the gut, the heart, the soul? However, I am feeling, as my writing truly emerges from the muck of the years, little scares me anymore. It has been a spiral down (or up, depending on the day), spinning around, always closing in on that which is true in my soul.
I try these days to write by Spirit...and I hate using that terminology because it just feels like too much abusive yuckness and unbearable weight from the charismatic years...please know I don't mean it that way. Spirit is that which is God within us, not some means by which to control people, and not something that can be chased after with words and deeds.
People have occasionally asked me how I know Spirit; it's not something that I possess sufficient vocabulary for. If life is waves crashing on the shore, Spirit is sun. If life is that which gives worry and anxiety, Spirit is peace. If life is the city, Spirit is the forest. If life is a storm, Spirit is the wind. I set my sails by it. Take whichever metaphor you like.
On this particular topic, I have to follow Spirit; both to remain safe, and to protect you from reading content you really wish you hadn't. With that, I cannot promise when the words will come. I only know Spirit has been there always, and if I listen, she does not steer me wrong.
Maybe I'm not in such a hurry to cinch my coat tightly around me and turn my back to the bluster. Maybe I am standing on the prow of a speeding ship, with my arms spread wide. Whichever, it does seem the longer I'm on this journey the easier it is to experience the wind; and for that, I'm grateful.
Fallen: Part I
Amateur Therapy Hour
She's Like the Wind
Awakenings
Fallen II: Shit Makes Things Grow
The Saturnine Cycle
Light in the Windows
I admire the wisdom you show in not pushing the words. I should take a leaf out of your book :)
ReplyDeleteWhile I'm taking things, I'll also take umbrage that in the past 24 hours you've made me sing Flashdance, and now you're reminding me of those terrible lyrics, "She's like the wind, through my trees." And lastly, now you're standing all majestically in cinemascope on the prow of a speeding ship with your arms spreading wide, I'm singing My Heart Will Go On.
It's just too much, Erin.
Thanks Sue! We can learn from each other, then.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the tunes. My life runs in music, you know...and sometimes even songs I hate say the right thing.
Yes. I totally know what you mean :) Right now I am looking at one of my known bedfellows, bitterness, and wondering if that's why that INXS song Bitter Tears has been going through my head on reasonable rotation for the past few days? We know so much more than we consciously know we know, you know? :)
ReplyDeleteStill, then you have the tunes such as Goonies 'r Good Enough which don't have anything inherent in them except the propensity to drive yourself insane.
beautiful!
ReplyDeletePatrick Swayze singing, and Titanic, two of my all time least favorites mentioned in the same post. WOO HOO!!
ReplyDeleteThis is the real psychobabble from the last time. It is actaully from a fairly successful rehab program. Write it out. If it is too personal to put out there. Don't. Not all of us are Jon who can reveal everything of themselves. But getting it out of you and down somewhere else, they say is theraputic.
Also, I suggest a move. I had great difficulty in December and January living in Minnesota. It has been much better since moving to the south.
Erin
ReplyDeleteI enjoy reading your posts so much you put into words what I so often think and cant express so thx for that you are very talented and wise
I am not happy though that I am now singing she's like the wind and I can only remember the first 6lines.
Okay, everyone. Let's sing together. Ready?
ReplyDeleteShe's like the wind through my tree
She rides the night next to me
She leads me through moonlight
Only to burn me with the sun
She's taken my heart
But she doesn't know what she's done
Feel her breath on my face
Her body close to me
Can't look in her eyes
She's out of my league
Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs
She's like the wind
[SOLO]
I look in the mirror and all I see
Is a young old man with only a dream
Am I just fooling myself
That she'll stop the pain
Living without her
I'd go insane
Feel her breath on my face
Her body close to me
Can't look in her eyes
She's out of my league
Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs
She's like the wind
Feel your breath on my face
Your body close to me
Can't look in your eyes
You're out of my league
Just a fool to believe
(Just a fool to believe)
She's like the wind
(Just a fool to believe)
Just a fool to believe
(She's like the wind)
Just a fool to believe
(Just a fool to believe)
She's like the wind
(Just a fool to believe)
Just a fool to believe
She's like the wind
(Just a fool...)
(She's like the wind)
(She's like the wind)
(Just a fool...)
(She's like the wind)
(Just a fool...)
Sue - I firmly believe that when a song goes through my head when I'm sleeping (explain that one! but somehow I think you'll understand) or when I wake and one is in my head, I pay attention. The subconscious is a mysterious thing, and even if I hate the song...well..In the Air Tonight has been on my hate list for 20 years, and about a month ago suddenly it meant something! God figure.
ReplyDeleteThanks Cindy! Glad at least someone isn't complaining about my musical taste. ;-)
ReplyDeleteNate, in theory I would love to move...in reality it's not going to happen any time soon.
ReplyDeleteAnd I definitely know writing is therapeutic...that's why I put it out there. The feedback is immensely helpful, too. But it's more like I don't want to dirty everyone else's brain with my stinkiest garbage...there are limits, I believe. Well, except for Jon. ;-) But he thinks he's slim shady, too, if that say anything. ;-)
Lou - the more time goes by the more I think your path and mine are similar and I look forward to getting to know you more...
ReplyDeleteSorry about the music. ;-)
Sue - You nearly made me pee my pants! My family wondered what was wrong with me!
ReplyDeleteBut then, when you sub "Spirit" for "wind" it's a pretty deep and profound song, so actually I'm really smart.
Well Erin I know what you mean about being a little TOO MUCH for open blogging. When writing the info about me last year. I only put the highlights. My wife would probably freak on me if I really went through all that I did when finally free of the pastor's household when young. I really did get into everything except really hard drugs. I even had a husband chasing me with a gun, and he had good reason. That is one of my less rediculous moments. But I understand and am praying for you.
ReplyDeletewell said.
ReplyDelete:)
Nate - You're crazy. Anyone ever told you that? ;-)
ReplyDeleteWhile it's helpful for me to share much of what I have been through...I have to watch the line between permissible and beneficial when thinking about what I put into other people's heads. As well, it can get to the point where it sounds and feels like bragging...look how bad I was...you know what I mean?
Thanks Rhonda!
ReplyDeleteOh Sue, thanks for that song! It was just magnificent! It made me cry...
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your post too, Erin ;
LOL!
ReplyDeleteI still think you are a prolific writer. And you are becoming a much more vulnerable writer. Combine this two qualities and you are totally growing into one helluva writer. I mean that. No bs.
ReplyDeleteI love watching you burn up the keyboards. I think it is a big part of your healing path. Some of us are more comfortable being known on the page than we are face to face. Is that ok? Maybe. Why not? As long as we are being honest. And I admire how honest and gritty you have become in your struggles with life, faith and everything in between. God knows the last thing we need is another barrage of self-help rhetoric to boslter the mirage of our teetering self-esteem. The hard reality is that many of us for all kinds of reasons tend to feel shitty about who we are or how we live our lives. Rightfully or wrongfully, it is what it is. Call it out. Yeah. It's what prophets do, and my friend, you have a prophetic vibe to what you write. Totally.
So yeah, I still think you are a prolific writer.
(hug!! LOVE YA!)
Thanks Pam. I don't know what to say when you compliment me that way...but thank you. Love you too!
ReplyDelete