Fallen II: Shit makes things grow

Today is the fourth anniversary of the day my new chance at life began, the day I received the medication that would revive me back into this world, and I would begin to awaken to the conscious understanding of how fragile my life really was. Four days prior, I was prepared to take my own life, but the plan was knocked out of my control before I could follow through. I suddenly came into the very real knowledge of how it would impact my children, my husband, everyone, if I was gone. The pain of this life was very nearly intolerable, it was so bright and sharp; the only thing more intolerable was the thought of checking out. Everything did not fall into place immediately, but this illness did remove one thing from my list of options.

Each of us, being aware of our own internal brokenness, are always doing two things: one is finding ways to cope, ways to make life tolerable, and two, seeking the sources of said brokenness and attempting to reassemble the pieces into something more than tolerable, but alive.

Behind door number 1 we are likely to find our addictions, to behaviors or substances, that help us get through each day and year and crisis. I have been thinking a great deal about why we have addictions...what about them truly provides the mirage of hope and sanity? Obviously, some have physical numbing effects that might make aspects of life easier to cope with in the short term. Other addictions are behaviors that elicit feelings of control or emotional stability. However, most of us are lucid enough to recognize these addictions, for what they are, We even realize they aren't doing anything to make our circumstances or mental state more bearable, and that they likely are creating additional stress or trauma in our lives. Yet somehow we convince ourselves, either consciously or subconsciously, that these behaviors are beneficial to our well-being.

Behind door number two we see a deep internal struggle. Most of us who have addictions also know there is some underlying cause, and generally we are pretty clear on what that cause is. However, coming to a place of being willing to challenge that cause, to battle it for control of our lives, is terrifying and paralyzing. Many of us would rather remain in our addictions; for we believe whatever pain they create must be less than the pain of facing the root cause. We might even logically know that resolving the root will not be more difficult, than where we are now, but here enters in the mystery of choosing to stay stuck in a place that is manageable and familiar over choosing to be free, with all it's unknown possibilities. It's a choice many of us make, some for years, decades.

So we find ourselves in an impenetrable dilemma; how to get unstuck? In my experience there is only one answer to this: we have to come to a place where remaining the same makes us so entirely ill, even to the point of wanting to choose death over life, that we have to change or die. For some people that is a figurative death, spiritual or emotional. For others of us, it is literal.

I don't want to be guilty of infomercial hype, but it's important to note here that I would probably be dead if the shit hadn't hit the fan. However I realize in retrospect this was more a standing at the crossroads of "I want to change" and "I am terrified of change". I never really wanted to die, to leave my children with that legacy, what I wanted was anything different than where I was. I felt too hopeless to move under my own power; I thought death would at least force me to move. But I waited one more day, I woke up one more time, I allowed the shit to fly; and today I am inclined to think of that as spreading fertilizer for my future.

It was the most terrifying place I had ever been, because the outcome was no longer under my control. I set in motion, either deliberately or inadvertently, a series of events that became it's own animal, rabid and charging. I had no idea where things would go from there, but I was insanely thrilled to be on this ride.

Getting unstuck is ugly, I won't lie to you. Again, because we must release our tightly guarded control in exchange for freedom. It's stinky and squishy and disgusting what we might find for ourselves when we are no longer hiding our shit behind a bottle, or whatnot. However, the feeling of freedom is so thoroughly enticing, mouthwatering after the starvation of control, that we cannot fail to be moved by it.

In the wise words of one of my favorite spiritual teachers, whose identity I won't reveal because this comment was not meant for all audiences:

Shit makes things grow.

Or my paraphrase: The deeper the shit, the taller the flowers.

When I walked away from religion 4 years ago, I had a supermassive vision of what this change would mean for my life. In this context I don't mean it was the religious aspect that was the catalyst, but rather the elimination of my best but entirely failed coping mechanism that opened the door for me. Everything in my life went all topsy-turvey, and I had no illusions that I would be able to stay the same. I had every hope of finally becoming a healthy and whole person, outside of the lies that told me religion would solve all my problems. The thrill of this process and the anticipation of the eventual celebration of life I would find were almost too much some days. In truth, some changes came almost immediately. Others, well, they have taken time, more time than I would like.

Some changes I have only begun to see the need for, and it is in those places I am stuck. In my most recent soul searching, I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to stay stuck. I have been looking at my addictive tendencies and the things I am trying to hide behind them. I am more than ready to close door number 1 for door number 2. I want to unravel the tangled threads that hold me together, to weave a new thing.

I have many addictions. However, contrary to appearances, alcohol is NOT one of them. Funny how that is.

More later.


Fallen: Part I
Amateur Therapy Hour
She's Like the Wind
Awakenings
Fallen II: Shit Makes Things Grow
The Saturnine Cycle
Light in the Windows