It all comes to the surface eventually, doesn't it? Like the spirit trying to reject a splinter, it pushes it closer to the surface so it's easier to remove.
I can't believe how bringing this up has opened a real can of worms for me...emotionally. It was the toughest shit I have ever been through, and while the repercussions have led to good and beautiful in me, trying to dig the thorn out really hurts. Because there is so much to it...what to say, what to say? It would take a lifetime. Where to begin? At age 8 or 18 or 28? What to tell? What to leave out?
You all are wonderful. Do I tell you that often enough? Simply wonderful.
Sue posted today about not having to answer to anyone...and I really want to be there...I am closer than ever, but I still struggle with worrying that people will hate me and walk away. I guess if that's the case, then you are better off without me.
Anyone still here?
It has been a hard year...any of you who have been around know that. And just when I think it HAS to get better...the breakdown of new things, every day, relationships, lead to hopelessness again. Expectations are an evil thing because they are rarely met...so I am wondering if the key is to learn not to expect much from anyone? A cop out, sure? But a better coping mechanism than addiction? You tell me.
I Facebooked today "What determines happiness?", because it seems extraordinarily elusive for me. Is it something we are born with? Something learned? Something added to us? Something chemical? Or do we all sit around thinking how elusive happiness is for each of us, not knowing that it is as fleeting for everyone else...and that we are no different?
Day to day it seems I am lifeless and feel as though nothing will ever be right in me. I remember being 8 years old and being sure I was just entirely broken...that God messed up when he made me; God saw me and said "Oh shit, this one is going to have a tough go of it"? That feeling has never gone away. I tried to drink it away, tried to eat it away, tried to sex it away, tried to pray it away, tried to give it away, tried to God it away....but nope, still there.
I know I'm not the only one...are we a breed of ingrates? Why are we in so much pain, so dissatisfied? Everyone has trauma and crisis in their lives, why can some of us never recover? Are we addicted to the pain...is it the only way we know how to identify ourselves? Do we fear losing some sense of uniqueness if we become happy?
It is this pain that caused everything bad in my life...the pain I have known since early childhood...but I don't know where it came from. I can't point to some event that caused it...it's like it was always there. Did something happen to me that I don't remember, or am I just way too sensitive, as everyone has told me my entire life? Because I feel as though I have taken every negative emotion...every time I have been laughed at or criticized or stepped on...and shoveled them into a stinking pile of poop in my soul. Maybe some people just know better how to compost?
Granted, living north of 45˚ will probably kill me one day. This time of year is the worst...we are organic and our modern lifestyles do not allow us to hibernate the way we need to in the winter. We have to face the cold and darkness even though nature intends us to reside underground, in the relative safety of the dirt, where no one expects anything of us until the first warm rays fall on us. So we're left to slog through, only half-awake, half-alive.
I look at the meth addicts that are so common here in the NW and think, what a shame, see how their life has been ruined...seen them try and fail to kick it, because it creates a perpetual numbness that only meth will counter. But then I think, how am I different? My drug is legal, but no less destructive. I am 38 and have the health problems of a person much older. I knew all along I was harming myself, but for whatever reason it didn't matter. Because in some sick way it kept the pain at bay, a chain on the dogs.
Or maybe because we are in this inward pain we have to create reasons, legitimate excuses to feel the way we do. It's not acceptable to be in pain for no apparent reason, but if we are made fun of for being fat, or whatever evidence of whatever addiction, then we do have a legitimate excuse for being in pain. Maybe we fear that if we were to do something about the addiction, if we WERE to kick it, then we would still feel just as much like shit but have no excuse for our pain? I think as a child I was hurting and was told to get over it, to stop being dramatic...so I created real reasons to be in pain so they would stop telling me to stop crying.
Sure, we can take medication, but what good is a drug that just numbs it all...reducing our capacity to feel pain while also reducing our capacity to experience pleasure? Seriously, what good does that do? (And I do not stand in judgment by that comment; speaking for myself here.) I would rather experience every fucked up moment of my existence and know I'm alive, and know who I am, even if no one else is OK with that person, and to be able to cry and not feel like everyone wants to fix me, (because crying obviously means there is something really wrong...either in our lives or inside of us, right?) and to be sad and not have people tell me that is the wrong way to be, and the only right way to live is happiness.
I no longer hide behind the pain, and I'm still believing this will lead to something good in my life. Not today, but someday, down the road, I will not have to medicate, if only I am free to feel. Right now, in this moment, I will eat my cookies that are slowly killing me from the pancreas on out, but maybe tomorrow I will eat one less, and feel one more.
So if sorting out the reason for the pain means I can kick the addictions, it's worth it. But does anyone really ever have success with that, or are some of us just going to be in pain no matter what? If not one thing, another?
And fellow pain-bearers...tell me, what is this total disconnect I feel whenever anyone asks how I am? Why am I unable to tell anyone how I am hurting? I feel shame for my pain, is that it? Because still I am unable to answer that question for anyone. And what are these panic attacks? "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter" my mantra when curled in the corner. That puts the pain at bay again, for awhile.
Yep, I'm broken. But are we really supposed to feel whole?
You might say, "see a shrink, for godssakes". Truly, I would imagine that my collective readership has better credentials for psychoanalysis than thousands of dollars of therapy. And I can't afford it anyhow.
Have at it.
Fallen: Part I
Amateur Therapy Hour
She's Like the Wind
Awakenings
Fallen II: Shit Makes Things Grow
The Saturnine Cycle
Light in the Windows
I can't believe how bringing this up has opened a real can of worms for me...emotionally. It was the toughest shit I have ever been through, and while the repercussions have led to good and beautiful in me, trying to dig the thorn out really hurts. Because there is so much to it...what to say, what to say? It would take a lifetime. Where to begin? At age 8 or 18 or 28? What to tell? What to leave out?
You all are wonderful. Do I tell you that often enough? Simply wonderful.
Sue posted today about not having to answer to anyone...and I really want to be there...I am closer than ever, but I still struggle with worrying that people will hate me and walk away. I guess if that's the case, then you are better off without me.
Anyone still here?
It has been a hard year...any of you who have been around know that. And just when I think it HAS to get better...the breakdown of new things, every day, relationships, lead to hopelessness again. Expectations are an evil thing because they are rarely met...so I am wondering if the key is to learn not to expect much from anyone? A cop out, sure? But a better coping mechanism than addiction? You tell me.
I Facebooked today "What determines happiness?", because it seems extraordinarily elusive for me. Is it something we are born with? Something learned? Something added to us? Something chemical? Or do we all sit around thinking how elusive happiness is for each of us, not knowing that it is as fleeting for everyone else...and that we are no different?
Day to day it seems I am lifeless and feel as though nothing will ever be right in me. I remember being 8 years old and being sure I was just entirely broken...that God messed up when he made me; God saw me and said "Oh shit, this one is going to have a tough go of it"? That feeling has never gone away. I tried to drink it away, tried to eat it away, tried to sex it away, tried to pray it away, tried to give it away, tried to God it away....but nope, still there.
I know I'm not the only one...are we a breed of ingrates? Why are we in so much pain, so dissatisfied? Everyone has trauma and crisis in their lives, why can some of us never recover? Are we addicted to the pain...is it the only way we know how to identify ourselves? Do we fear losing some sense of uniqueness if we become happy?
It is this pain that caused everything bad in my life...the pain I have known since early childhood...but I don't know where it came from. I can't point to some event that caused it...it's like it was always there. Did something happen to me that I don't remember, or am I just way too sensitive, as everyone has told me my entire life? Because I feel as though I have taken every negative emotion...every time I have been laughed at or criticized or stepped on...and shoveled them into a stinking pile of poop in my soul. Maybe some people just know better how to compost?
Granted, living north of 45˚ will probably kill me one day. This time of year is the worst...we are organic and our modern lifestyles do not allow us to hibernate the way we need to in the winter. We have to face the cold and darkness even though nature intends us to reside underground, in the relative safety of the dirt, where no one expects anything of us until the first warm rays fall on us. So we're left to slog through, only half-awake, half-alive.
I look at the meth addicts that are so common here in the NW and think, what a shame, see how their life has been ruined...seen them try and fail to kick it, because it creates a perpetual numbness that only meth will counter. But then I think, how am I different? My drug is legal, but no less destructive. I am 38 and have the health problems of a person much older. I knew all along I was harming myself, but for whatever reason it didn't matter. Because in some sick way it kept the pain at bay, a chain on the dogs.
Or maybe because we are in this inward pain we have to create reasons, legitimate excuses to feel the way we do. It's not acceptable to be in pain for no apparent reason, but if we are made fun of for being fat, or whatever evidence of whatever addiction, then we do have a legitimate excuse for being in pain. Maybe we fear that if we were to do something about the addiction, if we WERE to kick it, then we would still feel just as much like shit but have no excuse for our pain? I think as a child I was hurting and was told to get over it, to stop being dramatic...so I created real reasons to be in pain so they would stop telling me to stop crying.
Sure, we can take medication, but what good is a drug that just numbs it all...reducing our capacity to feel pain while also reducing our capacity to experience pleasure? Seriously, what good does that do? (And I do not stand in judgment by that comment; speaking for myself here.) I would rather experience every fucked up moment of my existence and know I'm alive, and know who I am, even if no one else is OK with that person, and to be able to cry and not feel like everyone wants to fix me, (because crying obviously means there is something really wrong...either in our lives or inside of us, right?) and to be sad and not have people tell me that is the wrong way to be, and the only right way to live is happiness.
I no longer hide behind the pain, and I'm still believing this will lead to something good in my life. Not today, but someday, down the road, I will not have to medicate, if only I am free to feel. Right now, in this moment, I will eat my cookies that are slowly killing me from the pancreas on out, but maybe tomorrow I will eat one less, and feel one more.
So if sorting out the reason for the pain means I can kick the addictions, it's worth it. But does anyone really ever have success with that, or are some of us just going to be in pain no matter what? If not one thing, another?
And fellow pain-bearers...tell me, what is this total disconnect I feel whenever anyone asks how I am? Why am I unable to tell anyone how I am hurting? I feel shame for my pain, is that it? Because still I am unable to answer that question for anyone. And what are these panic attacks? "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter" my mantra when curled in the corner. That puts the pain at bay again, for awhile.
Yep, I'm broken. But are we really supposed to feel whole?
You might say, "see a shrink, for godssakes". Truly, I would imagine that my collective readership has better credentials for psychoanalysis than thousands of dollars of therapy. And I can't afford it anyhow.
Have at it.
Fallen: Part I
Amateur Therapy Hour
She's Like the Wind
Awakenings
Fallen II: Shit Makes Things Grow
The Saturnine Cycle
Light in the Windows
55 comments:
Is that what I wrote about today? LOL. It's funny what people get out of your posts. Dude, I am not there either. Maybe I'm a few steps along than you are, and I feel in every fibre of my being that this God ... thing, whatever, is worth it, that this shitty fucked up little society we have created is an outflow of all the shitty fucked up stuff we've got going on inside, and the Church as a whole BARELY has touched on the redemption of God because the Church as a whole basically thinks God is a pathetic snivelling little egomaniac psycho.
I thnk that occasionally too. Seems to be the human condiiton that we thnk that way about God :) But what I am finding on this horrid little journey (LOL) is that he is entirely other. And he is entirely wonderful, beautiful. Really, the type of god that we need. Isn't it funny how when people like Darrin Hufford and Wayne Jacobsen talk about a God who is wonderful people counter that with "You're just making it up to fit what you require." Really? What happens if much of what Christianity has become, that horrid little wagon that almost kills people (I would argue that the Calvinist God is more cause for mental illness than anything else I can think of in the West), is just a representation of the ways we have made God in OUR image instead of letting him be what he can be? What if God IS what he says he is - love - and that love can change everything? That's the God I am sensing, and it is what changes everything everything everything.
Boy, what a bloody zealot I sound :) It's just that after those shitty years in Churchdom where I felt so out of it, so unable to express the shame that was compounded in me, crushed down flat - which still is, in many ways - to find ever so slowly that God is just what I need him to be is ... well, i s'pose it's like an epiphany :)
Kent made a comment to me on my post about how it is wonderful watching the unfolding happening in me. He is several steps ahead of me. I made the comment that it might be fun watching, but it's a pain in the arse living it. I just pass that comment on here. I can see you getting free. It's just as messy as childbirth, and as painful, that's all. Easier to see on the outside sometimes the changes that are taking place in someone :)
Sorry. I word vomited again. Sigh.
Sue - You can vomit on my vomit any day of the week. No worries there. It's just like passing the flu around.
I've been fighting this part of the journey every step of the way, because when it comes down to it, it really does suck arse. But I guess I have to go through it, because because because because....the wonderful wizard wills it. Because I don't want to be an addict, because I don't want to feel like the world is going to drop out from under my feet ever damned day if I am so presumptuous as to actually FEEL something that I can't explain away with good reasoning. To actually admit this crap is like a lighter load and long nights of tears all rolled into one.
What I got out of your post is that our freedom is not answerable to mere humans...which is quite what I need at the moment. I have found what you have found about God...that people are always trying to chase my image of God away like he's some kind of wild animal...he's not tame or well mannered or proper, so he can't be God. Right-o. My God doesn't wear a tuxedo. He has hairy hobbit feet and smells like b.o.
LOL. Rock on baby. He he far too much wildness for us to be able to deal with.
Maybe that's part of our problem. We're so bloody citified. We're so BORING! We're so TAME!
He's not tame. I'm glad all this stuff is coming out. I know it feels like the bottom is gonna drop out from under you. It's really very terrifying stuff. Eek.
Feel free to ignore this if it is not helpful.
I have found the reason why stuff comes to surface is that, God can't heal the pain you can't feel. You got to feel it to get healed, to get free.
I agree with Sue when she says:
I can see you getting free. It's just as messy as childbirth, and as painful, that's all.
Erin,
Thanks for this. You know why.
Erin, the causes of my pain are very different to yours, but as you know, Sam and I have been through a lot over the past year as well. So in that sense I'm there with you.
I can relate to what you said about being unable to tell people how you're hurting. I'm the same. I think it's a cultural thing in the West, whereby it seems to be socially unacceptable to lift the veil and show others how you're really feeling inside. It's the "How are you?" "I'm fine" syndrome.
My take on it all is that pain will always be there. Somehow we need to learn to live with the pain rather than trying to make it go away completely, because that will never happen. If one source of pain is dealt with, there will always be others. That's the reality of it, sadly.
My cousin has an interesting saying, which he uses to refer to physical pain but which I think could also apply to emotional and mental pain. He says that pain is good, because it reminds us we're alive. In a weird way, that makes sense to me.
Thanks for being so vulnerable Erin.. I admire your honesty.
I liked what Susan said..
"I have found the reason why stuff comes to surface is that, God can't heal the pain you can't feel. You got to feel it to get healed, to get free."
..I resonate with it and wonder if that is why counseling sometimes works?
Shalom, Bob
Thanks Sue, for understanding. Maybe a little free-fall is the way to go, anyhow.
Susan, I think you're very right. I have been numb on a lot of levels for a long time...and stuffing a feeling makes it inaccessible. Wish someone had told me this sooner, because I've just been learning it the last week or so.
You're welcome Jim.
Barry - I think there is something in living with the pain...but then, for something chronic (emotionally) shouldn't there sometime be a resolution? Or maybe that's not the right word...maybe it's more like coming to acceptance. But something that renders me unable to do what I want because of fear...maybe that does need to be resolved.
I don't know...
Are you two feeling better finally, from the flu or whatever it wasy?
Bob, I have always been reluctant to invest in counseling, because I have felt that if I can't sort it out for myself, what likelihood is it that a stranger could sort it out for me? I know there is a lot to be said for talking it through, but many of my friends who have been in counseling or therapy are in it for years and years and don't see much progress.
I'm not saying this as a generalization, because I'm sure it works for some people...and maybe it's just my fear of ever even talking about pain because it's been so invalidated in my life. To have someone nod their head and mmmhmmm me...I don't know.
Maybe my feeling about this will bother some people...but my issues with it are my own...just to clarify.
I agree with you Erin.. for you anyway :)
Doing a bit of pastoral counseling I came to realize that many are open and can verbalize their pain without help.. others however need help to open up.. this is where a good counselor can help.
I agree with your taken on seemingly life-long counselor relationships. As a part of their treatment counselors should help folks set short term (and longer term) goals.. one of them being a reduced counseling schedule or even no more counseling.. unfortunately.. like it is with some chiropractors.. the treatment often becomes a part of the problem.
I'm pretty much over the flu now, but Sam still has it.
There is a lot to be said for a good counsellor. Emphasis on the "good". There are people close to me who have benefited hugely from counselling, so it does work. Some issues just can't be sorted out on your own. It's expensive, but it's sometimes necessary. Resolution or acceptance don't come easily.
So then, Bob how does one go about finding a "good" counselor? (That's a serious question, not a sarcastic one.)
I don't think I'm ready, and I'm sure some of it has to do with abusive "authoritative" relationships I had in the church. And I did try counseling, once...and found that after 12 weeks they still couldn't tell me anything I didn't already know about myself or how to sort through it. Maybe the thing is that I do know myself really well, I'm just trying to put the pieces together into a whole.
It doesn't help that I don't really have any way to afford counseling...we have nothing on our insurance for it (I guess most people don't) and this might be why I haven't ever seriously considered it...the only way I could ever get it was in the church, and even then...the 'system" dictated that only 3 visits at a time because there were too many people and too few pastoral counselors. So again it was back to being invalidated; I wasn't hurting badly enough to warrant an exception. And then it was all about how the solutions to everything were found in prayer and submission. Been there done that.
This is rooted deep, I suppose.
I do know a good spiritual director...maybe I should go that route.
I'm glad you're feeling better at least, Barry. I'm sorry Sam isn't well from it.
I suppose what I just said to Bob applies as a response to you, as well. How does one find a good counselor, and then how does one find someone who isn't just going to tell me to pray it away?
wow erin I want to hear more of all you are sharing here you hit home with me in a very deep wayand i can't agree with you more about calvinist theology causing damage mentally and emotionally I am tryinmg to sort out my own *stuff* by writing it out too Sure is a solace to see someone revealing so vulnerably did you get my email i hope so carry on!!!
Don't have a good answer for you Erin.. I think that good counselors are like good mechanics.. hard to find and sometimes they only work on certain kinds of cars/problems.
Maybe the spiritual director would be good if you know and trust them? Might want to try getting together with them one time and see how it goes?
Sweetest Friend Erin, I love you SO damn much. I relate so much to this, I wept as I read it. I've been asking such similar questions, I am even angry and envious at the people I know that actually seem to be "happy" and think they are either faking it and are really as messed up as me (unlikely) or life has played a cruel trick on me and created me to be one of the depressed, hurting, self-medicating, self-hating, sad, mad, frustrated, isolated ones. If so WHY.
You asked "And fellow pain-bearers...tell me, what is this total disconnect I feel whenever anyone asks how I am? Why am I unable to tell anyone how I am hurting? I feel shame for my pain, is that it?"
I don't know your answer but I can tell you mine. For me its not so much shame, but embarrassment. I feel like "they" are looking at me thinking "what the hell is wrong with her now? she has no legitimate reason to be so depressed all the time".
and now that I DO have a legitimatte reason (keven etc) I believe they are thinking "well of course her son is fucked up, look at her....she's so down all the time."
Yet I am so good at faking it!! I fake it with men and they all like the happy me, but what if they knew the REAL ME? So I push them away (you've seen me do this several times) as soon as they get close. You can't fake real relationships.
I have no good answers, only questions to add to yours. But one thing I do know - in being who you are you have relieved some of the pain in MY life.
Maybe us messed up folks (folks? sounds so old to use that word) are meant to just help one another, maybe form our own planet where we can all live together and we will be "normal" because everyone will be like us and then somehow it won't seem like we are messed up anymore because we won't have any of those annoying happy people around. (of course I'm kidding - not all happy people are bad. Not kidding about the planet thing).
Thanks for sharing this Erin, gosh I feel your pain so much. Maybe that's part of it too. I would not want to trade my ability to empathize with others even for "happiness" because we NEED each other, we NEED people who get it to sit next to us and just know how it feels.
How does one find a good counselor, and then how does one find someone who isn't just going to tell me to pray it away?
I wish I could give an answer to the first part, but not living in your country I don't know the system there. As for the second part, just don't go to a Christian counsellor. At least, not unless they have actual real-world qualifications (i.e. a counsellor who is a Christian rather than a "Christian counsellor").
did someone say "free fall". That must have been you that just passed me three people over on the left eh?
I'm not quite ready to bare my soul but lets just say that everything that I have come to know has been systematically torn apart in the last couple of months Erin and I am, like you said, in a free fall. Worse than that is that I can't see the bottom.
@Mike,
Not seeing the bottom is a good thing - it's like that old joke about the guy that falls off the skyscraper and as he passes every floor is heard to say, "So far, so good".
Erin - Healing is a slow process. Admitting the pain is a necessary part. It's hard to say, "yes, I'm a mess". It seems (at least to me) that so many people have it all together. Yet to hear us post here, it's obvious that that's such a myth. We stumble, we fall, we get hurt. My problem is that I try to limp forward on my wounded leg. Rest is necessary for healing.
I love you. I hope for a shiny day tomorrow - snow or no snow - either way.
Michelle
Robert - I do agree that sharing something difficult can be encouraging for someone else, and for that I'm glad.
Bob - I am sure they are hard to find. I talked with my SD friend and I think I will try that.
Barbara, dear. You have played such a role in all this for me...you haven't ever been scared away by my seeking, you have always been encouraging and I love that we share so many of these things in common because you are right...we are meant to encourage each other. Maybe that is the meaning of it all.
You're right about the embarrassment, and you spelled it out well...like "what's the matter with you"...but I heard that in childhood so maybe that's the root. Because I know not everyone is embarrassed by feeling.
Barry - Thanks. I don't want to see a 'christian counselor'...because I've been there. And they are a lot of my aversion to counseling in general.
Mike - There IS no bottom. Because when we get to the bottom of one thing there's always another chasm. But I kinda like it, ya know? I think it's more that culturally and religiously we are taught that falling isn't normal...but if we get used to it as the new normal...well then we're OK.
LOL Jim...yeah exactly. Maybe it's so we don't know what's coming.
Thanks Michelle! I think the snow will melt tonight...but it's pretty right now!
I do agree that there is this "push on" attitude...that we can never rest. I imagine that's a Christian concept....but maybe it's a cultural one too. Anyhow, like naps, I like rest!
oh I feel you again on this post, and on so many levels. I giggled at the Calvinist discussion, as I swear that made me a little bit crazier when I was going through that part of my journey.
I can also identify with the aversion to the christian counseling thing, and that is what I have a degree in. :P Too bad I started to deconstruct before I could be fit into a mold that was not for me. :) I do see more of a benefit in the wisdom, love, and living out life that your friends can process than a session could offer.. The whole trust the process thing is one line that I do cling to, for me, and for you. xo Here to process anytime :O)
Pain...if my insides didn't hurt, I don't think I would know who I was. Erin, I think this is part of the process, this soul pain that hurts, of becoming human. In the evangelical world being "human" isn't allowed...at least that was my experience and I think yours as well. Learning what to do and to accept that yes, depression is real, sadness is real and that it's not some sin that has brought it into our lives and that more scriptures and prayer time won't make it go away....I love you Erin! You aren't alone in this journey and you are indeed on a journey that although is painful at times isn't always so...hope we can talk this week!
Stacy - Just to be clear I don't have a problem with counselors as it were...I'm just not sure how well I would do with it. I have seen a couple, but never really been able to open up. It seems too...professional...and my inner all-together person hates to admit weakness to someone in a professional environment. I think I feel like they only care because they are paid to care, which doesn't work for me. Same with my Dr.s. It's weird but true.
Donna - when do you start school? This week is a little busy because the kids go back tomorrow and I have a lot of catching up to do after 3 weeks off. I could be free Wednesday or Friday around lunchtime...hopefully we can squeeze out a date before you get too busy!
And yes, I think if I wasn't in pain I wouldn't know who I was either...right or wrong, it's been the landscape of my life since grade school.
@Erin,
And I don't open up to my doctor any more because every single thing I say he types right into a computer while listening to me, and somewhere that's going into a database, and some day if not today insurance companies will have access to that and decide to deny me coverage on something because of it. But that's just the paranoid technologist in me speaking.
I hear ya, Jim. I don't think it's paranoid.
When I was first diagnosed with Diabetes, I went back after 8 weeks for a checkup, and was frustrated and depressed. My Dr.s immediate reaction was to start talking about antidepressants...and I'm like, "Wait, I have just been diagnosed with a chronic illness...give me some time before you assume I just can't deal and want to medicate me for it". Maybe Dr's just think that is the course of action we are seeking when we are down...
As well, I hate side effects and I always get them all and badly...and I think maybe that should be a hint? The only thing I can take without side effects is ibuprofen...which unfortunately doesn't treat everything.
e- i'm sorry i'm so late getting here. i think you may be in a better place than you think. you're helping so many people here; i hope that means something to you. it may not help, but i hope it's meaningful. i wonder too if we're ever supposed to feel whole. it seems the few times i've thought i was on the brink the bottom fell out- as you know happened last year. but i have to say i don't think we were meant to live in the dirt in winter. we were meant to live in the Caribbean in winter.
Amen to that. Sometimes I do think I would be better off if I spent at least 3 months a year somewhere else...and that's only half a dream. Randy and I talk about moving south...but uprooting the kids from all the family would be cruel. However, one day the kid will grow up...
Thanks for the encouragement...I am in a good place because I am not afraid to heal anymore. Not to say it will ever be perfect, but I want to get over the sense that I'm useless as a person. I've been told my entire life that I won't amount to much because I have no real talent or skill...other than listening to people and writing (both of which are difficult to have any measurable success at)...and it's time to get over that and find some purpose.
Probably the biggest thing I want to deal is the fear of "inflicting" myself on people, which has to do with a certain season in my life (and I'm genetically predisposed to that feeling).
I really identify with you Erin. I wonder sometimes how similar our upbringing has been. 80's Child...nice Christian family...religious rules but for the most part good and fair parents. That's me. Is that you?
What you said here resonates with me:
"It is this pain that caused everything bad in my life...the pain I have known since early childhood...but I don't know where it came from"
Could it be that your pain like mine has roots in withholding? Being raised in a family and culture where words of blessing and meaningful touch are not doled out in large amounts?
I heard once that withholding is an invisible toxin in a home. It's not overtly detectable but it causes damage.
These are just some thoughts that run through my head. I am praying that the Lord will lead you to the right resources for your inner healing. It seems you are already well into that journey.
Ruth - Yes my upbringing was similar. I think the root lies somewhere in my being a firstborn of 4, compliant and meek and quiet. The secondborn was a firecracker by every definition, so I quickly got lost in the shuffle. By the time 3 and 4 came along...I had faded into the woodwork...and there are almost 12 years between myself and my youngest sibling...so when he was born I was in a very significant place in life and had a mother who had no time. I think there just wasn't enough blessing and meaningful touch to go around, and I was the oldest so I sacrificed more of it because the younger kids needed it more. Mom didn't really have time to listen to me or be there for me through puberty an adolescence...and I was pushed aside over and over for a crying baby or something...when I brought it up I was told not to be dramatic and I don't really have it that bad. Invalidated, really. But I don't blame mom, she did her best, it was just a situation that I still haven't resolved all these years later. It created a cycle in me of being sure I'm not important and no one wants to listen to me. Because I wasn't a fighter in spirit, I just let things go...not knowing how it would impact me later.
So there's a book for you! But you were on the right track, for sure. It's like Ally Sheedy in the Breakfast Club..."they ignore me".
Hey, Erin...
So I've been reading and re-reading your post and all the comments for two days now, and trying - and failing - to find words to express how much my heart goes out to you. So I guess for now I just want to say that yes, I am still here, and I'm not going anywhere - I love you tremendously and am praying for you often - and I believe that a year from now you will look back on this season and be amazed at the healing God has done in you. Keep on keeping on, my friend. Peace be the journey...
love,
Hap
p.s. if you have iTunes, there's a song by Rita Springer called "Worth It All" - I believe it's on an album called "Effortless." You should look it up. :)
Thanks Hap! I'm sure you're right. I appreciate the love and encouragement.
Dear Erin,
I often feel the same as you do- like I am in a deep dark chasm and cant get out.
I came from that branch on christianity that said that sadness was a sin and that you should always be joyful. So am continuously feeling guilty for feeling sad which just perpetuates the feelings
I have learnt however that God does not expect us to be happy or together or whole he just wants us warts and all and it is the only thing that keeps me going day to day and that he is always there even when I am an angry blob who shouts and swears and curses at him ther He is wainting quietly with love. Psalm 102 was all I could pray for a long time.
In the end I dont think it is possible for us to be whole in this life its just to full of pot holes for us to fall into.
Lou, I hear ya. My experience said that God could and would heal me. When he didn't, I began looking for what I was doing wrong, what he was teaching me or disciplining me for, or whatever reason he hadn't healed me. This led to severe depression, because it seemed everyone around me was being healed and I wasn't. God must not love me as much as others...yadda yadda...seriously devastating thought process there.
I agree that we will never be whole, but I think maybe the past does need to be dealt with, too.
I agree that the past needs to be delt with and for me that has ment some months of councelling where I learnt to express my feelings as they were and not pretend I was alright got to have a mock trail where I accused my former leaders and say whey they hurt me and learn not to be a door matt in general- Also my phychologist helped me to see why it was I was so attracted to this type of leadership in the first place. She wanted me to start a diary but instead I started to blog- whcih has been wonderful and the most healing thing of all!
Lou - you sound a lot like me... I very much relate to what you said. I think writing about it is definitely therapeutic, whether online or in private or both. I also struggle to express my feelings, working on that.
"Falling ~ The New Normal". I love it...sounds like a post. Like I said here,
"Additionally, and this has been the hardest belief for me to shed, you don’t have to be any better than you are now. God loves you “the way you are”; fears, flaws and stupid crap all included. It is all part of his plan. I have to trust in that otherwise what’s the purpose for even bothering with it. If I can’t trust that God loves me even though I’m a fuck up, then what’s the purpose in believing in God"
Oh baby, you are perfect to me just the way you are. I was thinking how incredibly talented of a writer you are, reading the post before this one.
Here is my psycho babble for you:
Happiness is when your expectations are met or are achieved. If you have no expectations, then happiness would follow.
Just thought that up, don't know if it is true though.
Mike - I'm sure I have said the same thing somewhere, but I can't find it. We don't have to be better, not one bit, or else Jesus was irrelevant. If he can't do what he said he was doing by dying, then there wasn't any point, was there? So either I have to believe that he really was finished, or...well, what?
Nate - I do wonder about the expectations...I am not sure how to go about it or whether there maybe is a balance somewhere that says some expectations are ok...or maybe it's just listening to the Spirit TELL us what expectations to have...then we'll never be let down. I'm not sure...
Thanks for the unconditional approval and the compliment...cool thing.
I know I'm joining late. You've had a lot of great comments! I could only add that perhaps part of the disconnect you feel is a defensive mechanism against the invalidation you've experienced. Sometimes it's easier in the moment to "not go there" than it is to "go there" and get your very essence invalidated - again, even by well-meaning people.
At least that's my experience. It's very, very hard for me to open up about my pain until I really, really, really trust someone. They've had to earn that trust through time. I don't know if that's fair to them, but it is what it is.
Also, for me, when I open up, I'm not looking to be fixed, but to have my feelings and experiences validated - to have who I am validated and accepted so that I can work through the pain. Finding someone like that, who will walk with me on this journey for years without being paid, is priceless.
I'm praying for you.
Validation is a huge part of it, Mary. Or not even to have someone tell me I'm OK, but just to NOT tell me that I'm wrong for feeling however I do...or for what I've been through or the choices I made. Does that make sense?
Yeah,
A listening ear and a shoulder to cry on are so valuable.
Erin, I've been thinking about that word "Invalidated". That word has been written accross my spirit too. Along with insecure and insignificant. Now they are written accross a page in my journal with a big X over them.
I'm a believer in identifying the lies that have been written accross our spirit from life's circumstances and holding them up to the light. It is through this that we find healing.
I want to give you some words that I believe do belong on your spirit.
Encourager
Compassionate
Sensitive
Insightful
Witty
Humorous
Just
Humble
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