Wiser?

December 29th officially marks the day I am supposed to be a year wiser. Not sure if that is true, but after all the events of the last 12 months, I'd like to hope so.

I do intend to return to the previous course of conversation soon, because there are more directions I need to go with it. However, this post is to be a simple reflection on aging and wisdom.

Tonight I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button with some friends, which was fitting, considering my birthday tomorrow. I won't spoil it for you, but the general story is about a man who is born old and spends the rest of his life growing younger, all the way into infancy. Other than that curious detail, in my opinion it is a cross between Forrest Gump and The Notebook.; if you enjoyed either of those films you will like this one.

I wondered tonight, is there any age I would return to? Sometimes I think that advice titled Sunscreen** is all too true. Especially the part about not being as fat as you think you are. I loved ages 7 and 12 and 19, each for different reasons. Would I go back? Well, for the health, for the body maybe, but I wouldn't trade my wisdom for anything. The years we go through thinking our parents are stupid soon pass, and today I look at a 19 year old and think how immature they seem. But then, I think, my mom looks at me that way, and I find myself looking forward to having as much more wisdom at 60 than I do at 38 as I feel like I have at 38 compared to 19 years old.

Life is hard, and the things that give us wisdom are generally the most difficult things we endure. However, they bring something we cannot buy, cannot learn in books or earn by working. They bring us an ability to look at the future in a way we cannot imagine when we are young. They give us the most valuable thing we will ever possess, something younger people seek out when they are lost in their inability to see beyond their own noses.

And it is never too late to be something, as I have recently been finding for myself. Never too old to gain that which you dream of, or too old to change.

I went to lunch with a group of girlfriends from high school. We are all the same age, and even as I'm looking ahead towards dating and drivers licenses, two of them just married this year and are now expecting their first children. A third is just now pregnant with her second child.

I also know a woman who returned to college in her 60's to obtain her Master's degree.

I don't mind growing older. Yes, I have regrets, but regretting something doesn't change it. I have learned to be comfortable in my own skin and to am beginning to appreciate my positive traits. I'm am now seeking that thing which I'm supposed to do next; I don't know what it is but I have great anticipation of something good.

Or as it is said in Benjamin Button:

"It's never too late, or in my case, too early, to be whatever you want to be."

I'm thankful for the wisdom my years have brought, and I hope I will continue to see that for many, many more.


** If you have never heard of Sunscreen, I highly recommend you check it out. It is a song based on a column published in the Chicago Tribune on June 1st, 1997. The original column was titled Advice, Like Youth, Probably Just Wasted on the Young, written by Mary Schmich. The song is titled Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen), but much more commonly known simply as "Sunscreen". It is written in the form of a commencement address; the words can be found HERE, and the video on YouTube HERE.

First Breath

I will probably regret posting this, but so be it. I can't hold it in because the joy in my soul is tangible, even as much as it might seem to some of you that I have lost my way. Dawn is rising. I am at a place where I need no lectures on the faithfulness of God. I have been around that block, the scenery is so familiar, but it is no longer home, nor real, to me. And I, for one, find no despair in that notion, instead I find healing, a drawing in to something I have carried in the depths of me for so very long. It is in the God I have tried to summon through Christianity that I find despair. This change of focus sets me free. It releases me from a lifetime of unrealistic expectations that have felt to be dirt on my coffin, suffocating me. Today, I breathe.

This time of year, the week between Christmas and New Years, always finds me dark and melancholy and introspective. I have come to anticipate it, even look forward to it in all it's depressiveness, for it often brings me insight that I crave the rest of the year. It is my time to be me, to look inside and not fear what I might see. To take the time to process what I do not have time for any other day of the year.

This week between also brings my birthday, which, in fact, is not a cause for sadness. I look forward to it, for as they say, the alternative is worse. Truly, but it does probably explain the inwardness that comes. So each year at Christmas I feel a maturing that I don't expect. This year has been enormous for me in the maturity department, and I suppose that is why there have been more growing pains for me this Christmas, because I lost it like never before. I have had to stretch and learn in painful ways this year, sometimes afraid I will blow my stitching and come apart completely.

After everyone left Christmas eve, we still had many Christmas duties to attend to: get the kids to bed, do the dishes, and all those other things that come to parents with this holiday, and it blew my gasket. I had dealt with some family conflicts earlier in the day, and although they were small in and of themselves, they highlighted something that had been building in me for months: an overwhelming sense of failure. It has been eating away at my psyche, my heart and soul.

Your first instinct will be to chide me, to tell me all the ways in which I have succeeded, all the failures which are not my fault, or that I could not have prevented. Let me be clear, I don't take these burdens on myself as ways in which I personally have failed (though in some situations one could argue that I could have done more), but ways in which my God has failed me...and not even me, but people who are so important to me. I truly cannot share all the details, for it would be exposing private matters. However, I count 8 major failures in one year, involving death, life changing events, and the breakdown of significant relationships, not just mine, but between people I love. Why will God not solve these things? Christmas for me brought something to the surface, maybe the reason I have struggled so these last years.

Christmas eve night found me wandering the neighborhood in two feet of snow in my pajamas at 1 AM Crying, no, sobbing and wailing for all that is lost and all that has failed this year. For all the ways I have failed to contribute in meaningful ways to situations beyond my control. For all the ways God has not come through in the sense that my evangelical self would normally believe him to.

I have found three things in this night of my heaviest weeping in many years. One, God is so much more than I could ever imagine, for he is in the air and the trees and the light and the earth, the blood in our veins and the oxygen in our lungs. Two, God is not a vending machine somewhere outside me that I can seek solutions from. Three, I have failed at one thing that tears at my heart, one thing that I dream I one day will succeed where God has apparently failed, the thing that keeps me awake at night.

Today I can't help but believe that God is each of us, collectively we are God. We are what has the ability to change things, even one small thing, or many immense things. If God is nothing but good, then he cannot exist, for there are many crying out to him every moment of every day for whom he does nothing to ease their suffering. If God is not nothing but good, then he is not God. For a good God could not turn a deaf ear and a blind eye. So in that, I have failed. I have failed to do my part to be God to the world. In so many and countless ways, but in this one way that has settled in my heart and that rips my soul to shreds every night as I try to sleep. This way that haunts my dreams and shakes me to the core at least once each day.

Common sense would say "Do not dwell on what you cannot change". I would say "Can't I?"

Today I know that when I cry out to God, I cry out to that which is good and strong and deep within me, the power to endure, the ability to act, and the wisdom to move forward. I cannot blame God for failure that is not his to own. And this brings an unraveling of chains that have bound me.

I know I cannot walk away from the idea of God, it is in my dna, in my atoms and electrons. I can, however, walk away from a God whom I expect anything from that I myself have failed to participate in. God is in my breath, in my humanness. He is in his humanness in my humanness, and for that I love him. But he does not live where we think he lives, he lives in the love, in the ligaments in each of us that moves us to do something kind, loving, meaningful. He lives in our learning to be excellent to each other, and the ways we develop his nature in our nurture.

This is not my last word on the subject, just my word for today. And today, I am not sure I still am able to cling to any shreds of that god which I have mostly left behind and still possess any desire to remain among the living. For if God is the God we believe and the world is in the condition it is in, then he has failed. If that damns me to eternal hell, I'm not sure it would be worse than the pain of this life, anyhow. For I sense the suffering and cries that are not heard, and I fade to black and die for the God that does not answer.

And in this admission I have finally reclaimed that elusive final part of myself I have been reaching out towards for many years. The pieces of me that have been scattered far and away but that have been crawling to me, seeking for so long have all come home. Letting go of an impossible notion of a magic God is a freedom that I will soak in for a very long time, and it allows me to reconcile a million conflicts I have struggled to carry for almost 20 years.

And this Christmas day, when I woke, for the first time in all those years, I felt the light inside me brighten rather than dim, as it typically does each day I age and die a little more. Yesterday, in the wee dawn hours as I walked in the snow, I took my first breath as a whole person. It was the morning of my birth.

I will be 38 on Monday and I am finally entering the world of life and light.

Merry Christmas

I pray you beauty and light.
I pray you peace and joy.
I pray you wonder and life.
I pray you laughter and love.
Merry Christmas.

And for everyone who will have a frozen Christmas, I leave you with this:

All is Calm

December 21, 2008

Day 8 still finds us buried. This has been a hard winter here on the frontier, and we are now longing for spring. Today saw several more inches of snow and ice, but at this moment the wind is calm and all is quiet in the night. We have yet to dig out a wagon to seek provisions, but so far we are well stocked. We have hunkered down with a fire and are faring well. The east side of the cabin still has some leaks we will have to repair, we can right feel the cold coming through.

Earlier today we had near whiteout conditions, but most of the day we could still see our neighbors lamps through the blizzard. It's nice to know we're not in this alone. This afternoon a brave soul trekked from her nearby cabin to bring us baked treats, which we thoroughly enjoyed.

It seems the plans for Christmas may have to be adjusted for the weather, as it does not seem to be clearing up any time soon. Festivities may have to be postponed if no one can travel, as it is today.

I busied myself today cleaning the cabin and preparing for Christmas. Even if we can not travel we will still celebrate. I think tomorrow a friend and her daughters will come here to do some baking, if they can make the journey.

I pray safety for all who are caught in this weather, and also for no serious flooding when we eventually thaw.

Peace for now,

Erin

Frightful

(For those of you who are accustomed to winter weather worse than ours, you have to understand how incredibly unusual this is for our area.)

This really is bad, folks. I'm not exaggerating. It's been snowing all day, but it's impossible to say how much we have now, because of the G70 mph winds. Looking out my window it's drifted to about 3 feet in places. This definitely takes the cake from 2004, primarily because of the high winds here at the west end of the gorge. It's important to note that they don't plow the roads here except on the interstates and highways; we just don't have the equipment or capability. This much snow makes getting around extremely difficult (well, impossible for all but the most experienced or stupidest drivers).

Visibility is down to about 25-50 feet, I'd guess. It's a fog of frozen water hovering in the air. Wind chill is below zero out here (-10) with the strongest gusts. A long stretch of I-84 (the main east-west interstate in Oregon) is closed. The Portland airport is canceling flights right and left. I think they are technically still open and operational, but they haven't had a flight leave in some time now.

We have been almost entirely below freezing for over a week, and local lakes and rivers have formed a crust of ice. Yesterday a couple of idiots were trying to ride motorcycles on the ice of a nearby lake and were arrested after one of their bikes fell in and they were caught trying to retrieve it. On the up side, we have the wonderful beauty of the frozen gorge waterfalls, photos of which can be seen HERE.

It's not just us, either. I heard earlier today that Burlington Northern has closed the entire Amtrak Empire Builders (Chicago - Seattle) route due to high winds and accumulating snow the extent of the route.

So to all of you in the Northern US who are hanging in there through these wild winter storms, I wish you warmth and peace wherever you are.

If you aren't affected by awful weather, be thankful.

We are bracing for freezing rain tonight or tomorrow...I'm really hoping it stays all snow and then changes to rain, but they are not hopeful. This clearly could mean power outages here over the next few days, so if I don't turn up around here, that would be why. Otherwise I'll be online ,as there is nothing else to do. I'm not going out in this, are you crazy?

Oh, and if my weather report isn't sufficiently entertaining, read THIS post by Jim, where he equates bathroom habits with prayer.

Have a good night.

More Snow Fun

(People using readers may need to click through to see the videos.)

This video was shot here in Portland on Monday. It's a classic.

Local TV station KPTV played recordings of idiots people who had called 911 to ask about road conditions:

"I'm heading out to go grocery shopping. I have chains on, but I was wondering if there was any areas out in Beaverton that I should avoid?"

"What's the freeway condition if I don't have chains?"

"We have several people from our office here in Portland heading to the Hillsboro area, driving, and I wondered if you can tell me what the driving conditions or what you think, you know, is it going to become unnavigable?"

"Hello, this is not an emergency call. Thank you for grabbing it. I have a question for you regarding road conditions, and sorry to bother you with that. I know you have more important things to do."

Here are some photos I took today:

Snow on the trampoline

The giant snowball

You can see more photos on my Facebook page.

I hope all of you who are feeling the effects of this winter weather (which is most of the U.S.) fare well and stay warm!

I do have a post brewing, but with all the Christmas activities and winter weather, I haven't had time to formulate it yet.

Later, dudes!

NOT Pretty

I realize some of you live in places where below freezing weather and snow and ice are common things.

This is PORTLAND, people.

We don't understand winter. We have very limited practice at it. We are experts at driving in the rain, but when it snows, bad things happen. Now, you must also understand we live in hill country; there is NO flat land in Portland. Hills + Ice = Mess.

You may recall I posted this video as evidence of what happens in Portland when we have a "snow event". This was January 2007, it is only 2:19, I recommend watching it all:

In January 2004 we had a similar problem...but worse. My car was snowed in for almost a week.

I am hoping they are wrong. The kids are supposed to be in school through Wednesday, but their vacation may have begun today, because whatever falls from the sky over the weekend will not be going anywhere.

If I disappear from the 'net next week, assume I have no electricity. But for now I'm hoping for the best.

Have a wonderful weekend.


*In the top photo, the word 'Floor' indicates that we will have snow falling to the lowest elevations here in the Portland area (the valley floor). In other words, it means "everyone". Where it says 1000, it indicates there will only be snow to 1000 feet elevation.

Fire and Sacrifice

The darkness that inevitably comes brings with it a pause, a quiet. Not always is it something tangible, but this night it was. She could feel it in her bones, and looked to the trees with a sense of awe as the wind blew through her. She sheltered the lit branch with her hand.

There is something old here, something cold, but also new and just born. The dark was deeper this night than any yet, and as the snow began to slowly trickle down, she waited. The flakes landed on her nose and chin, her face upturned towards the canopy; an eagle shrieked. Suddenly she turned and the flame struggled to remain lit; there it was. She backed into the shadow of a tree and knelt, watching it meander through the wood. It's antlers were long and woven, dark in the night. The moon broke through the clouds and shone on his coat. She sat, silent, fearing it would sense her and flee. But it stood, nosing a bush nearby; then looked right at her for just a single moment. She could feel it's eyes on her, but either it did not really see her or it did not perceive her a threat. The girl held the burning branch low, and held her breath, believing the condensation would give her away. A moment later, a doe and twin fawns emerged from the darkness and poked at the bush as the buck stood guard.

For that instant, the girl did not know she was cold, but as she stared she shivered. She was uncertain how much time had passed since her arrival.

SNAP! and a flutter of wings, and the family turned and bounded back into the darkness. The girl, startled, gasped as the light grew. What was this she was witnessing? How could there be a light in the forest this night? She wondered if it was the torch of a hunter, but the light was far too bright to be flame. The shadows around her faded as the light seemed to draw near to her. Still she could not make out what it was nor where the light came from. She pressed her back into the bark and pulled her knees into her chest. If she moved she might be seen, and whatever it was, it surely knew that a girl should not be alone in the forest in the dark. Her father would be furious and she would have to fetch water for a week.

She began to squint and shielded her eyes with her hand. Then she closed her eyes.

She heard a voice.

What brings you into the dark this night? The forest is always awake and always dangerous for a child. Where do you belong?

Ah...uh...my father is the smithy.

And he allows his young daughter to wander in the darkness this way?

He does not know I am here. He believes I am asleep.

Still, you have not told me why you are here.

I came seeking the buck. I saw him near the creek yesterday; he is beautiful. I only wanted to know if he had a family. My father says we need meat, but I would hate to see the fawns left alone to die.

Ah, child. What will you eat for the remainder of the winter if not deer?

Hare, I suppose.

And is that satisfactory for your family?

It is only my father and I. My mother died with child some months ago.

Still, a buck and his mate would suit you better than hare.

Yes, but the creatures are so graceful and peaceful. I have never felt well about it, once I was old enough to learn.

Do you see the bare trees in the winter?

Trees? Yes. The leaves fall to the ground in autumn.

Does that not make you sad?

Well, no, the leaves return in the spring.

Always?

Yes. In all my nine summers.

How many deer do you believe are given to the village each year?

Oh, I would not know.

Yet are there always deer in the winter?

Yes. There have always been as much as I know.

The deer are here to give you life. They live and die to the rhythm of the forest and of the people. There will be deer born again in the summer, as always. It is a circle. As the leaves on the trees. But you must also be thankful.

Thankful?

The earth provides for you with it's blood and bones, because One tells it to. He dwells around it and within it to direct it's course, that it might sustain you. You ought to thank One for the gift of life the forest gives.

Who is One?

I say, fear not, for He is also and always with you and within you.

Who?

He is in all things and above all things and surrounding all things.

Who!?

The One who lights your way.

One?

Silence. In a rush of wind, she was in darkness once again. She sucked in her breath. So cold; so very cold. She rubbed her eyes and realized she must have fallen asleep; but not for long, as her branch was still burning. All she could hear was the rush of the water in the icy creek. And silence. Yet she felt the strangest sense of peace and beauty.

The girl stood and turned to head home. The strangest dream, she thought. What could it mean? She trudged through the snow and reflected on what she had learned.

As she neared her hut, she saw something lying in the snow. It was unclear to her, at first; then a shudder in her chest as she understood. The snow was red with blood and brown with skin. Her father had slain the deer while she was away. Oh! This meant he would see her coming and wonder why she had been in the forest at night when she was to be sleeping.

She saw his figure bent over the deer, humming as he worked. She thought if she crept he may not notice.

Aye child! Seen fit to return, have you?

But...?

I'm not angry, child. I saw you wander and knew what you were about. I followed not too far. You are quite the tracker, you led me right to him.

But...

It's right, child. We need the meat. I am thankful you had the mind to go searching. I was beginning to worry about us. You'd best turn in, it is late, aye?

And then, it all was clear to her, as the night which now bore stars in place of snow. They call it sacrifice, that they might live. Now she understood.

And she gave thanks to the mysterious One.

Please visit my fellow Synchrobloggers. This month's topic is "Light and Dark as Motifs of Spirituality":

Phil Wyman finds Darkness: a Thin Place for the Soul
Adam Gonnerman on being "In Darkness"
Lainie Petersen at Headspace
Jeff Goins is "Walking in the Light with Jesus"
Ellen Haroutunian finds Holy Darkness
Bethany Stedman thinks Light is Coming
Julie Clawson walks through Darkness and Light
Kathy Escobar will Take a Sliver Anyday
Susan Barnes at ...and here's a photo of one I made earlier
Joe Miller thinks you can Discover Light in Darkness
Beth Patterson talks about Advent: Awaiting the Ancient and the Ever New
Liz Dyer says What the Heck
Sally Coleman muses about Light into Darkness
Steve Hayes with the Lord of the Dark
Josh Jinno with Spiritual Motifs of Darkness and Light
KW Leslie contrasts Darkness versus blackness
Erin Word writes Fire and Sacrifice

Tough News

I just received word today that a friend of mine has breast cancer. I don't believe any of you would know her, she's a real-life friend, but I'm still going to protect her privacy and not reveal any more details right now.

I write because I'm seeking any thoughts and prayers you might be willing to send out for her. I don't have any details at this point; she is still awaiting more information about her condition. She is supposed to be making a decision this weekend on some treatment options, so prayers for peace and strength and the ability to make the right decision would be appreciated. Her faith is strong and she feels hopeful, but I know she would appreciate the prayers.

Thank you guys. Love you.

Bug a New Blog Day

Tomorrow (well, today for some of you) December 3rd is the first annual Blog Comment Day. Created by John Smulo, Blog Comment Day is designed to encourage us to interact, especially on blogs we might not normally comment on:

Though there may be 100 reasons why people blog, I've yet to meet a blogger who doesn't appreciate comments. For this reason I'm starting Blog Comment Day on December 3, 2008. Here's how it works:

• On December 3, 2008 you will leave one comment on at least 5 different blogs.
• Out of the 5 blogs you comment on, at least 2 of them will be blogs you haven't commented on previously.

So, my faithful readers, what the heck are you still doing here? Go on, get out of here. Go find a new blog to bug (just for today, of course)!

Unless you have never commented here before, in which case FIRE AWAY. I'm thrilled to meet you.