Headcount

9 Boys:
One 15 year old...
Four 12 year olds...
Three 9 year olds....
And a Dad?

Throw in a couple of pizzas, sodas, chips and some watermelon, and what do you have?

I call that completely sticky, sugar-rushed insanity!

Seriously, we're having a great time, and there is nothing like a son who is grinning ear to ear at his birthday party.

Whoosh - there it went!

I missed my anniversary! September 14th marked 3 years of Decompressing Faith. OK I didn't actually miss it, I just didn't have time to post about it.

First, I want to thank all of you who love on me and make me feel that this endeavor is worthwhile, who encourage me when I'm down, and listen to me. Nothing in my life has had the power to change me, save for marriage and children, like blogging has. My friend Cindy recently asked a question for her blogging friends:

"How have you changed since you began blogging, and how much of that do you attribute to the process and results of the blogging itself?"

I don't attribute much to blogging itself, but to the people I have come to know because of it. Can I even begin to say what you all mean to me for having validated me, supported me and challenged me? I wish to recognize the hearts and minds and voices who have brought me so far...this is going to sound like an awards ceremony...just go with it. K?

Grace for having been my encouragement to begin this endeavor and for making me feel welcome in this wide wide world of blogs.
Barbara for loving me unconditionally, and being willing to trust me with her own challenges, and for watching 80's videos with me from 1000 miles away.
Sue for inspiring me to be creative. For understanding my hatred of winter and tolerating my stupid questions about Australia, and for sharing belief in that still small when testing the boundaries of faith.
Jon and Nate for turning all my preconceived ideas about God and the Bible on their heads and sharing beautiful alternatives to the most closely held christian beliefs.
Tyler for opening a door back into the supernatural for me and for respecting a woman like Rahab. And for praying.
Barry for always being willing to go to heck with me, and for his sense of humor.
Cindy for empathizing with me on so many levels and for always being available to listen to my troubles. As well, for being a warm southern voice at the other end of the line.
Mike for being online late at night, when the rest of the world is dreaming, and for his Neo picture, just so I can tease him about it. As well, just for being a friend.
Michelle for relating to me in so many ways and for being willing to be skeptical with me.
Kathy for showing how to be a woman of grace and freedom, in the man's world of pastoring.
Gary for always asking the deep questions and for understanding my answers.
Jarred for being willing to answer my strange questions about his tradition, and always making me laugh.
Happyfor always being, well, Happy! And for encouraging me.
Katherine for being so brave in all that she shares.
Cynthia for having time to invest in other people's journey's, even while raising 7 kids.
Barb for her uncynical reflections on pain caused by church.
Rhonda for her "poetry" about life and for caring enough about little ones in underprivileged countries to step outside her comfort zone and do something about it.
Susan for being there consistently for so long, for her wise words and writing advice.
Glenn for his practical-application ideas for a new kind of christianity, and for sharing those ideas.
Jim for making me realize the true value of writing about real life, for his lasagna recipe, and for being a computer resource for me. And for his dreaming about ways to connect people.
Lyn for her grace and her spirit and honesty about life's struggles.
Tracy for her more than willing book-loaning, to a woman she hardly knows, clear across the country, and changing her life.
Sonja for her rants and rant-listening, and her deep love of all things justice. For sharing my sorrows in such a deep way.
Pastor Phil and the entire synchroblog crew for the interesting and challenging forum it has been. I have had so much fun with it!
Makeesha for helping me feel like I have a place among the emerging folk.
My new friends Free Spirit and Tara, for being friends with me.
Heather for inspiring those of us in the junk drawer and for not being afraid to call it like it is.
Ché for being a kindred spirit, and for coming to visit me!

As well....I met Pam online (if she tells you we met in prison, she's lying) through Grace. Through Pam I met Off the Map, I met The Bridge (a real-life place of belonging) and I met Donna. Because of Pam's initiative, I was able to work on PDL in June 2007 and through that endeavor I met countless people, not the least of which is PDL's owner, Bill Dahl, who has been willing to give this nobody a platform from time to time.

There are so many other people, I'm sure I've forgotten someone, I hope there are no hurt feelings if I have...there is no one I have intentionally omitted.

As well, none of you should think those reasons I named are the only reasons I value you...if I were to name them all, we'd be here a month. I just love you all so very much. Each one of you has contributed something to my healing, even if you don't know the measure of it. You have broadened my horizons, challenged my ideals, and forced me to look at things from another perspective. You have forgiven me when I've said something unintentionally hurtful; you have helped reduce my cynicism towards the institution, but also have validated my need to not be part of it. You have shared your lives, your joys and sorrows, as well as sharing mine. You have been there, all over the world, yet so close to my heart.

How have I changed? I have found a place of belonging. Thanks to you.

Something New

I would like to invite you all to Rahab's Kitchen.

A safe place to have a cookie, get a hug, and cry if you need to.

A place to unload your troubles. A place to share your frustrations. A place for friends.

Welcome.

Long-Wearing Nail Polish and Other Stories

The last few months have been a steep learning curve for me in maturity and compassion. Steep in the steepest way. If you are a visitor and would like to know more, you can go here, here, here and here.

This is a sensitive post to write, because I want to focus on a certain spirit of events, but to do so I need to reflect on a few things that I really don't wish to draw attention to anymore. I pray the people who read this who know my in-laws will glean my heart from this post.

First, some background. I married into a family quite different from my own (who doesn't?). Ironically, one of the reasons I married my husband was because our families were similar: our parents were still married to each other, we had both grown up in the faith, and we had almost always lived in the same neighborhood. But that is where the similarities diverged. My family was relatively liberal, his was quite conservative. My family was loose and loud, his had strongly held rules and was quiet. Their faith is strong and conservative, and I have believed they have always doubted mine, because mine is quiet and liberal. Needless to say, my relationship with them hasn't been easy, and I have never been close to them; all these things have seemed like impossible hurdles to me. Truly, for 18 years I was quite convinced they just didn't like me, and there seemed to be nothing I could do about it.

At the end of April, my 68 year old mother in law was diagnosed as having a benign brain tumor. At the end of May she had "routine" surgery to remove it. She had a stroke the next day. Ever since then there has been a long string of hospitals, nursing homes, Drs., new conditions, problems, procedures and nothing has been as it is expected. It was recently discovered she has hydrocephalus and this began causing seizures. Last week she had a brain shunt put in. At this moment, she is bedridden, unable to speak, almost paralyzed on her right side, and has a railroad track of staples in her skull. But don't get me wrong, she is IN THERE, because she does sometimes respond with nods or "Mmm-hmms", or raises her eyebrows, or smiles. And once in a while, she does get a phrase or a sentence out.

So, throughout the first months of my mother in law's illness, I only made cursory visits. I never meant to be distant, but the condition of our relationship made my involvement seem awkward. As well, my kids were home for summer vacation and they can only spend limited amounts of time alone, so it made visiting difficult.

But it so happened that my mom took my kids to the coast for 5 days in mid-August, and I suddenly had free time. And I knew just what I was supposed to do with it. Somewhere inside me, I realized that whatever the personal conflicts with my mother (or father) in law, I know she is a good woman. I know she doesn't at all deserve these months and the condition it has left her in. Only God knows why this has happened, but suddenly I felt compelled to do whatever I could, however little, to make it better for her. And it wasn't something I thought about or a decision I made...it just happened. It fell into me.

So for 5 days in August, I was there for her. It was simple, just small things that could make her more comfortable. I sat with her at the hospital, fed her meals, combed the glue from the incessant EEG's out of her hair, put hand lotion or chapstick on her. I pulled her covers up, fixed her gown so she was modestly covered, fixed her pillows, closed the blinds so the sun wasn't in her eyes, opened them so she could see the view. I went to the store to get her something different to eat than just hospital food. I read to her or put on a CD of music for her. I talked to her and got a little laugh or a smile. I got a nurse to care for anything I couldn't. And I sat in a hospital room across from my father in law and tried to encourage him when there didn't seem to be the words. Somewhere deep down I found hope where there seemed to be little.

I said to her, "I don't think you and I have ever spent this much time together, but I'm thoroughly enjoying it." This received raised eyebrows, but also a nod of understanding.

Two weeks ago, I sat and painted her fingernails with long-wearing pale pink nail polish. "Just because you're in the hospital doesn't mean you're not a lady", I told her, and she smiled and admired her nails. That was the first time I really cried throughout this; and we have bonded. Whether she realizes it or not.

Now, never in a million years did I think I would be in this place; I'm not special, and don't pat me on the back for it. I'm a selfish person by nature, not a compassionate one, however, those 5 days changed me. In a heartbeat, God melted all the ice I have felt for all these years.

As well, my relationship with my father in law has changed. He has seemed to soften towards me, maybe it was only a perception that he was hard towards me, but for many years I have believed that. Suddenly I feel maybe, just maybe, my tattoos and piercings and unconventional beliefs no longer add up to my worth in his eyes, but that he has seen something deeper and valuable in me.

So now I am trying...not because I should, not because I feel obligated, but because I want to, to be as involved as I can now. I am always looking for opportunities to visit her. I am asking questions of her Dr's, trying to glean as much information as I can. Likewise, I want to be as much for my father in law as I can; last night he came for dinner and spent the evening with us; almost a first in the 18 years since my husband and I met.

I guess what I have learned, in a nutshell, is simple. There are things, and then there are things. It's one thing to have theological or philosophical differences from someone. Then there is the the point of crisis, where a person must let go of those things and move forward. There are things, and then there is family. It doesn't mean that we don't still disagree; it means it doesn't matter that we disagree, it doesn't change that we are family.

And I think about how God works all things together for good, even the difficult things, and He will find a way to bring something of value out of it.

And I wonder if, after all these years, I never gave them any more chance than I felt like they gave me. And all these years, I thought it was they who needed to learn a lesson in acceptance; when really it was me, or at least me.

And, after all these years, I finally call them Mom and Dad, hug them and tell them I love them. Miracle of all miracles.

This post is part of a synchroblog on the topic of "Discussing Maturity in the Light of our Faith". Please visit my fellow synchrobloggers:

(I will update post links as they become available.)

Lainie Petersen at Headspace with "Watching Daddy Die"
Kathy Escobar at The Carnival in My Head with "what's inside the bunny?"
John Smulo at JohnSmulo.com with "Christian Maturity"
Beth Patterson at The Virtual Teahouse with "the future is ours to see: crumbling like a mountain"
Bryan Riley at Charis Shalom with "Still Complaining?"
Alan Knox at The Assembling of the Church with "Maturity and Education"
KW Leslie at The Evening of Kent with "Putting the Spiritual Infants in Charge"
Bethany Stedman at Coffee Klatch with "Moving Towards True Being: The Long Process of Maturity"
Adam Gonnerman at Igneous Quill with "Old Enough to Follow Christ?"
Joe Miller at More Than Cake with "Intentional Relationships for Maturity"
Jonathan Brink at JonathanBrink.com with "I Won't Sin"
Susan Barnes at A Booklook with "Growing Up"
Tracy Simmons at The Best Parts with "Knowing Him Who is From the Beginning"
Joseph Speranzella at A Tic in the Mind's Eye with "Spiritual Maturity And The Examination of Conscience"
Sally Coleman at Eternal Echoes with "Vulnerable Maturity"
Liz Dyer at Grace Rules with "What I Wish The Church Knew About Spiritual Maturity"
Cobus van Wyngaard at My Contemplations with "post-enlightenment Christians in an unenlightened South Africa"
Steve Hayes at Khanya with "Adult Content"
Ryan Peter at Ryan Peter Blogs and Stuff with "The Foundation For Ministry and Leading"
Phil Wyman at Square No More with "Is Maturity Really What I Want?"
Lew Ayotte at The Pursuit with "Maturity and Preaching"
Kai Schraml at Kaiblogy with "Mature Virtue"
Nic Paton at Sound and Silence with "Inclusion and Maturity"

Ceiling Cat Teh Awlmitee, Him Peekz

Psalm 104 according to the LOLCats Bible:

Hai Ceiling Cat, I praizes u! U iz so kool, u wearz koolnez!
He is all wrapppd up in prety lites, and rollz out teh Ceiling liek tentses
and he gots a penthause up there. Ooo! He ridez in ur clowds, and surfz in ur windz.
Teh windz even talkz 4 him, n teh firez doez what he sez, srsly!
Ceiling Cat made teh Urth on teh fl0r, and u karnt mez it up.
Teh watr wuz all ova it, rite up 2 teh mntns.
U screemd and teh watr wuz gon; u just yelld n ther it went -
the mnts went up, n teh vallys went dwn - in teh plais u wantd.
Yew dun mess kz? R-Lce yew gun go outsidez, k?
Him maek da big cheezbrgr flow tru da Urth.
De guna geeb yew phude, ya.
Dem berdiez gun geeb yew da harblz.
Ceiling Cat geeb da Urth da gud meelk, den hee sleepz leik slaxxor.
He made graz for awl teh m00c0ws, and erbs for man so that he may get the munchies.
He made likker to get peepul tyred 4 teyh can has cat nap, oyil to maek greesy ph00d fer speshul hang-ovahs, and bred.
Him mek sum trees grew in sum hole in teh Midul Eest
Burd make nests 4 yung ph00dlingz , storks liv in fur trees.
upgrayded ram satz on hillz ses, "oh hai, Celing Cat made tis 4 muh u can go now."
The moon trakz sezinz, and the sun kn0ez when him taek nap.
Ceiling Cat teh awlmitee maeks it nite, and moocows and udder stufz comes out of the forest. yung liyins com owt and seek Ceiling Cat's cheezburger but Ceiling Cat has tuh ses, "wtf i luk liek i not walrus u dont steel frm muh, gtfo ur goin Basement, k? thnxbai."
Wen sun c0me up tey go to crib for litul wilez.
sunz 0f adum work awl day and rest teh bownz al nitez.
Ceiling Cat has butt lowdz of cheezburger and cookie but He dont giv to teh pepul dey maek invizbul error
In the oshinz dere fishiz but sumtimz fish slip way so u get no ph00dz, but u can praize Ceiling Cat
Leviathans eated ships and efurt, but not Ceiling Cat's yawt were he be tokin with the lyunz at nite.
teh ppl say, "Ceiling Cat, are hungry." Ceiling Cat ses, "Oh oh butt u do aks of wurship then ph00dz, k? bai."
He fez tey by hand
He luks away then pops a cap in tey sinful self.
He comes to teh tiny urf, makes fudz, and it lives
Ceiling Cat lives 4evah, so don't think you can dis Him and get off
Him peekz lookz at the 'urf' and she trembles, he touches the 'hills' and tey smok.
You gotta rap the good rap about Ceiling Cat, or else he's gunna curze wiminz agin.
"Mi meditashun of Him be sweet: I will b glad in the Ceiling Cat teh almitee."
Dun be dumb, geeve Ceiling Cat ur soulz, will gib cheezbrger.

Amen.

HT Heather.

Life Happens

I have about a bajillion posts swimming around in my head and in the drafts of my blogger . But seriously, life happens, and sometimes we can't stop the merry-go-round and get off.

Update on my mother in law: A week ago Friday they put a brain shunt in because she was having hydrocephalus...which they now know was causing the seizures she has been having for a month. To the best of my knowledge the seizures are now under control and at the end of last week she was discharged to return to the nursing home, where I think she is much happier. I spent several hours with her Friday and definitely felt she was understanding and responding more than I've seen in quite awhile. In many ways now, it's just time...waiting to see how much improvement she can make with the right kind and amount of therapy and the right adjustments to the shunt. We are still very hopeful for significant recovery over the next months.

We also finally have ONE Dr. managing her care, which is a huge relief. Up until now, her care has been left primarily to the hospitalists and ER docs that she has seen in 5 different stays in 3 different hospitals. Needless to say her care has been seriously lacking in consistency. She also now has a direct admit to the hospital that we are most happy with, so there will be no more trips to the ER. Anything comes up, she will be admitted directly to the neurosciences unit to be seen by the same Drs. who are familiar with her condition, in the same unit that has all her records (which they have collected from all her various hospital stays) and where the managing Dr. can easily see her. We are hopeful this continuity and consistency of care will make a significant difference. Don't ask me why it took 14 weeks for this to happen...that's another long story.

When I was with her on Friday, holding her hand, I told her, reminded her how many people are praying for her. I said "Even if we don't see results of that prayer, I still believe it does something, even if it's something we can't see". That brought on a huge wide-eyed smile and vigorous nodding. Somehow, in all of this, all the pain and suffering, deep down she is able to still believe in the power of prayer. That simply amazes me. I wonder if I would have given up by now.

So on to other news. My parents just sold the house they have been in for 33 years. My youngest sibling moved out last fall, and my parents are in more house than they need. About a year and a half ago, my grandparents (mom's parents) moved to assisted living and my brother began the process of remodeling the home they had lived in for 60+ years (the house my grandfather who died in June had himself built) so it could be put on the market. Well, my brother has recently finished the remodel, and my parents will be buying it. My mother was very close to her dad, and it will be a blessing to her to be able to live in the house he built, the same house she grew up in. There is certain definite sadness in my parents leaving the home they have been in so long, the only home my two brothers have ever known, the only one my sister remembers. I am the only one who has memories of living in other places, but still, I was not quite 5 when we moved into this house. So it is everything to my family in many ways, but just impractical at this point for them to remain there.

Well this leads to the obvious: packing the 4000 square feet, including attic and basement space, that is full of 33 years worth of my family's life. I have spent a great deal of time lately helping mom go through the stuff in the attic...a thrilling trip down memory lane. Baby clothes, souvenirs, heirlooms...I have found priceless relics of my childhood and teen years. Even diaries: anyone want to tell me how it was that I could be so in love with Billy or Jason or Matt when I was 13; so certain I would marry the boy of the month? I have found parts of my Madonna wannabe wardrobe and many, many relics from my senior year of high school. We have even found things my parents forgot they had. It has been a lot of work, but immense fun as well. Soon, we start in the basement.

Tonight we spent the evening with all of Randy's family (except his mom) having family portraits done (as a gift for her), having dinner together, and spending some quality time with my father in law. It was nice for everyone to be together and I hope the pictures turn out well.

Between these things my life is pretty busy and the blog has been second fiddle to everything else. I promise I do have some good and meaningful posts to put up, eventually.

In Remembrance

The World Didn't End?

Yesterday the folks at CERN fired up the Large Hadron Collider, and the world didn't end.

No, they haven't begun the more "questionable" experiments yet, but at least we've come this far, sans probleme. However, if a black hole opens up in your neighborhood in the next few months, you can blame the LHC, according to naysayers. The odds that such will be the case? Truthfully, it ain't gonna happen. People smarter than I am say it ain't gonna happen. My most super-smart friend, Laura, says it ain't gonna happen (she studies fancy things like ligands and electromagnetic spectroscopy). Expert Stephen Hawking and his cohorts are certain it will not happen. Well, we trust that any one leader of any one nation is smart enough not to start Global Thermonuclear War; I think we can trust tens of thousands of particle physicists, quantum physicists, cosmologists and the like that an array of supermagnets beneath Europe won't disintegrate the planet.

At least one of the experiments that will be performed at the LHC in coming months is the search for the Higgs Boson, a.k.a. the "God Particle" (scientists don't like to call it that, but the media does). At the dawn of the universe, we had equal parts matter and antimatter, which should have canceled each other out...in other words, there should be no matter, just energy. But we know there is matter. For one, because when you walk out your door, you are standing on solid ground and not floating in space; for another, simply because you exist to walk out your door.

How did we end up with just enough more matter than anti-matter in the universe so that things like stars and planets could come into existence? This is what they are trying to find out. In layman's terms (which is really all I am capable of) the Higgs Boson is thought to be a/the key in how a particle gains mass, therefore the key in how anything that has mass has come into being. The existence of the Higgs Boson is still theoretical, but they hope to prove it with upcoming experiments. Experiments that will, in part, recreate the immediate after effects of the big bang, itself still just a theory. So this is big. Huge. Scientifically speaking, this is a Holy Grail of sorts. If you want to know more, in layman's terms, read A Ghost in the Machine at Time, or The God Particle at National Geographic.

So why should you care? Unless you're an uber geek or a strict literal creationist, you might not realize the implications this could have for our faith. This experiment, if it has the expected results, will bring biblical creation and the big bang closer together than ever before. Yes, there is something behind all of creation; it was not an accident.

If little old non-college-educated me can put two and two together, I come up with this: Creationists believe everything in existence was created supernaturally by God. If I can jump to a conclusion, scientists could end up believing everything in existence is created scientifically by the Higgs Boson, or maybe more accurately, the Higgs Field. In other words, it is the scientific equivalent of God, for without it, nothing would exist.

How does that make you feel? Does it matter to you at all? Is it exciting to you that maybe science and religion maybe could eventually come together? Does it scare you, as if we are playing with fire? Is it conceivable to you that the Higgs Boson is possibly the the manner through which God created everything?

Your thoughts?

How could something so small....

make a person so sick?

Anyhow, now that my dry spell seems to be drying up and I have a lot to say, my tummy is preventing me from writing. Bummer.

Please forgive me if you have felt ignored the last 4-5 days, I can only keep up with so much -- between my mom in law, in case I forgot to tell you guys, she had a brain shunt put in on Friday and we're clinging to hope that it makes a difference -- and my parents preparing to move from the house they have been in for 33 years -- to being sick the last two days....I haven't had a lot of time or energy to read posts and answer e-mails.

I'll be back, cranking it out, as soon as I can.

God Works...

sometimes in not-so-mysterious ways.

Last night, just after I wrote my poor-me post...which I'm not sorry for because it was therapeutic, and you all gave me so much love...I spent almost an hour chatting with a good friend.

Let me tell you a little about Cindi. (Cindi, I hope you forgive me for writing about you.)

I don't remember the exact first time we met, but I must have been 11 or so. We went to church together, at the little Baptist church in our neighborhood. We became fast friends pretty quickly, and ever since have shared a good deal of life over the years, through our friendship and our mothers' friendship.

A few years after we met, our mothers' (who were friends) discovered a new church they both loved, and so both families began attending there for church. This, I think, is where our friendship really bloomed. Together, we became heavily involved in the youth group...we went on retreats, cross-country ski trips...we even dated brothers from the youth group at one point.

She and I have been friends through some pretty crazy stuff. We went to high school together, we did things "in the right order" together...getting married about a year apart, and having our first, and second, children within months of each other. We also spent time as stay-home mom's together.

Shortly after 9/11, everything changed. Cindi's husband felt led to go back into active service in the military. This was a shock, yet she dealt with it bravely; not without tears, but with the certainty God was in it, difficult as it was. They have two children, similar ages to mine, and soon found themselves relocating out of state for their first assignment. One of the things Cindi had asked of God was that this transition be in "baby steps"...and he delivered; their first assignment was only three hours from here; "here" being her hometown, where her family lives, her friends are, and her history resides.

I could tell you of all their trials during that time...I still hold my breath for a moment when I think of all she went through during his first deployment, when she was still learning the military ropes all alone. But it would be a long story. Needless to say, she grew from it, and adapted, and every time we talked, I was left with a new appreciation of how hard this was for her, and how strong she really was. Far stronger than I.

About a year ago, they got word that her husband was up for reassignment. This time, they ended up relocating to Fairbanks, Alaska, last year, just around Christmas. Her husband wasn't to be deployed right away, so they learned the ropes of being on a new base, not to mention in a new climate, together. I have loved hearing of the learning curve they were under this winter, only because she has never lost her sense of humor, finding a laugh even in the most frustrating of circumstances.

So I did know that sometime this year he would be deployed again, but I hadn't heard from her about when that would be; often they aren't given a whole lot of notice when the time comes. Well, since moving north, Cindi has kept a blog about their transition, and last night she happened to post that he had just left Friday night; this time for probably for 7-8 months. She is now facing her second Fairbanks winter with two kids, without her husband. Yes, she has the base and the services they provide, but she doesn't have her friends or her family, her support network, or her husband. During this time, he will miss celebrating with his family the following: his birthday, their anniversary, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, both the kids' birthdays, Valentine's day, her birthday, and possibly Easter as well.

I am not trying to compare the difficulty of their deployments with those of other pmilitary families; for everyone's story is different.

My point is this: who am I to whine, to complain? Cindi is a strong, brave woman, she has been through a lot, and I rarely hear her complain. No, it hasn't been easy, but she amazes me. And encourages me.

I love her, I love her family...she has been a part of my life almost forever. Last night, I needed to feel sorry for myself. Tonight, I am thankful for my friend Cindi, who helps me put life in perspective.

Chocolate Chip Cookies...

for dinner at 10 pm
with a diet coke
and feeling sorry for myself
sometimes all i want is to matter
and sometimes i'm so certain i don't
and never will

people who have died
and people who are ill
people who i can't help
people who are undergoing the transition of a lifetime
are a burden as much as i hate to admit it
i missed one of my oldest bestest friend's wedding
and another friend's birthday
and i'm chronically late now
and forget things half the time
because i'm such a shitty person and these responsibilities wear me out

there's never enough money
for the things we need
a new roof
a car that's less than 20 years old
a washing machine
or to get my eyes fixed
even though i've lived blind
(without my glasses or contacts)
for nearly 25 years
and i could get a job to help
but my kids need me
one really needs me
and i have not the resources to help him

i want to write
i have to write it's who i am
but i have no 'platform' so it's pointless
still i do because i can't help myself
even if no one reads it or really cares
or understands me
i want someone to understand me

plans tonight fell through
and i felt dissed
do the kids even say 'dissed' anymore?
and friends think they are the only ones with problems
and never ask me how i am
sometimes all i want is for someone to care about MY problems
and i know they do
but i need to feel it

and i hate winter
it's not here yet but it might as well be
you can't stop it coming
i think i'll move to australia

let's see what else can i bitch about?
i didn't finish college
and probably never will
and will never stop regretting it
i want to change the world
or at least the lives of one or two people
but no one gives a chance to a housewife
who has nothing on her resumé
for over 12 years
and no degree

so i eat my cookies
and cry
trying to feel better about myself
but the cookies will just make me fatter
and the crying makes my eyes hurt
so it doesn't really help in the long run
but tonight it's what i need.



(please know this isn't a cry for help and isn't a search for compliments...it's just where i am tonight. tomorrow will be better. oh and the 'friends' is not a reference to any of my blog friends, but tangible-life people. peace.)

First Day of School

Today is the day! Why is it I can have first day of school jitters with my kids? I think maybe it's the excitement of having some quiet time again. I love summer, don't get me wrong, and all those people down under can stop stealing our sun away, but there is something beautiful about the kids going back to classes 6 hours a day.

I am having my customary first day of school coffee with my friend and neighbor Kristi, and am looking forward to it very much. Later today we are having a family meeting with my mother in law's neurologists and neurosurgeon. They want to put a brain shunt in now, and I'm sure we will have questions about that. So I'll be offline until late afternoon.

I will start posting again, I promise. The summer is difficult for me to get the quiet I need to focus on writing, so hang in there and I'll be getting back into the swing soon.

Wanted to give you all a heads up on our upcoming synchroblog:

September 17th: Discussing Maturity in the Light of our Faith

Anyone is welcome to participate, and again, if you would like to join the mailing list, you can sign up HERE. If you do choose to participate, let me know ahead of time so I can get your link added to the list. Because some on our list are in much earlier time zones than the U.S., (Australia and the UK) usually we ask those in the U.S. to post the day before if possible.

We are working on establishing an interfaith synchroblog, as well, so be thinking about your friends who practice spiritual traditions other than Christianity who might want to participate. Details will be forthcoming.

That's all for now.