The Dark Before Dawn

My notes from P2C

sunrise day 1

julia is preparing to hit the road. we just stopped at 7-11 to get coffee and donuts. christine just is finishing. kristi had tripped and fallen in the dark on leg 13 and has a very angry looking knee. our first injury.

everything is fast moving and events of the day begin to run together very quickly. i can hardly remember being asleep in bed, a scarce 3 hours ago. i hadn't slept much the night before...so many things to think about and so much anxiety and excitement.

the crowds at start were huge even as a small percentage of all the teams. every 15 minutes a cheer rang out in the pitch black portland night as the participants started in their waves. i wanted to stop at starbucks but realized it was still too early they weren't open yet. weird.

we were off and soon were passing kristi, cheering as we went.

it really isn't as i expected. it goes much more quickly. there is little time fore reading and when there is down time all you want to do is sleep or hang out with the team. i packed too heavily; but how could i have known?

Pam/cheryl's exchange is at fred meyer so i decide to get something real to eat. a tuna on croissant is just the thing. then i worry that i won't have enough time to properly digest before cheryl is finished. sure enough i end up at my first leg with a full stomach, but there's nothing i can do about it now. off i go.

it's probably only 72 but it feels like 90. and all the talks never prepared me for how discouraging it is when person after person passes you. i sure didn't think i was doing poorly, and I did come in about 5 minutes fast, but when people pass me like I'm standing still, it's an awful sinking feeling.

about halfway there is an old man sitting on a riding lawnmower at the edge of his property. he has a hose in his hand and is asking everyone if they would like to get wet. it's welcome by most and is a kind gesture.

i'm last for my van, van 2 will take over now for awhile. when i finally reach the exchange, i fear van two hasn't arrived yet. then i remember it isn't melissa after me, but jenell. i sigh as i see her waiting for me and couldn't imagine being happier to pass the wristwrap on.

we, van 1, are done for about 8 hours. we stop for those who want to get food, then we press on to the exchange where we will take over again. it is a huge field and we find a spot easily, there aren't many people here yet because most don't come here so soon. we are worried that our spot is too close to the honeybuckets, but we realize we are just right: not close enough to smell them, close enough that with all our various digestive issues it's not inconvenient.

we have beautiful spot right next to the fence of a horse pasture. soon enough a pony shows him/herself and is being fed by several people. i lie down and try to sleep but some teammates are having animated discussions. still it's a lovely place to rest; the smell of the pines is so strong and i had forgotten how i adore the way they smell. the wind is calm and it's sunny and mid 70's by now. couldn't ask for better weather.

i can hear a running river close by but cannot see it. i will have to look it up later. i can never just let a landmark go; i will have to know what it is. there is a stagnant pond in the horse pasture and tiny tree frogs have fallen out of the tree above us. sometime these quirks of the country bother me but today they do not.

i'm on about 3 hours of sleep at this point and am worried i will have a raging headache before the night is through. fortunately we will be done around 3 am and can press on for seaside, real food, showers and a place to sleep.

the second major exchange was a little confusing as we were uncertain where we ought to be. after some questioning of officials we were able to sort it out. next problem: with no way to communicate with van 2 we didn't really know when to expect them at the exchange. we had a window of about two hours and had to guess. fortunately when we got to the exchange christine was able to get a cell signal for just long enough to make contact with teresa and we found we still had an hour wait.

the vernonia equestrian club had a food/fundraiser here and i was finally able to eat something real again. while still tired, this did perk me up.

sunset day 1

we're coming up on night now and facing the need for a headlamp again. different from when in the city though will be the total and utter darkness in the forest. hopefully i will see some stars tonight! i will be up again around 1 and kristi is planning to support me. she lost her knee brace but teresa has and extra one so she's good.

we are now at something or other baptist church waiting for kristi to exchange with christine. one thing...even though mentally prepared for the sheer numbers of people, it's still astonishing the level of chaos each exchange operates at. we haven't even seen any running teams yet and still we may have a hundred vans and hundreds of people at any exchange at any time.

at this moment the van next to us is blaring 'me and bobby mcgee'. it's surreal. it's a total party atmosphere and we see vans wildly decorated with lights and props, cute team names and even teams wearing costumes. team names like 'oh shins 12' and '12 thongs and a granny panty' and 'sole sisters'. most of the teams are women. there is a team of women wearing modified wonder woman costumes and even a team wearing tu-tus. 'tu-tus and tattoos' they are called.

i'm tiring of outhouses and hand sanitizer now. i want something as simple as soap and running water.

the effects of 7 people living out of a van at this point are rough. it is crowded and getting to our stuff is impossible except when we stop. fortunately it is often. christine has caught a chill and my down blanket comes in handy.

everything is a blur now and i can't remember much of the last few hours. it's my turn now, it's about 1 am and its the blackest night i've seen in a long time. i have a downhill run of about 5 miles and am looking forward to it.

it's a beautiful night we couldn't have ordered better weather. there is a chill in the air but nothing major. kristi and i were on the road and crusing. she wanted to get a few more miles and walk at dark and i had been a bit nevous about being out in the forest in the middle of the night on foot alone. but my worries are soon realized to be unfounded. there is always a reflective vest ahead of me and a team van going past so it's rarely truly dark.

i am soon at the exchange. there crowds are so swollen now that i miss jenell entirely but she catches me and van 1 is done. the parking lot of the exchange looks like christmas because so many of the vans have rope lights on their roofs.

i am happy with how i've done and there is much sense of pride and personal accomplishment to have to dig deep inside and find an innner reserve of strengh to racewalk through 5 miles when one one has had no sleep for over 24 hours.

we head to seaside. it's 3 am and we aren't sure where to go. i knew that downhill run would lower my sugar fast, but i still underestimated it's effects. i know i need to eat and rifle through what's left of my food. we soon find the middle school where we will camp for the night but i'm worried about my blood sugar now. still, and stupidly i'm too tired to care. i have been awake for 26 hours straight and my body won't let me do anything but sleep. 3 of us sleep in the van and 4 sleep in the grass outside. it's about 4 am now. i awake at 5 to that sinking feeling i've only had a time or two before. panic at my blood sugar level. utter panic. i can hardly move and cannot speak to wake someone. my mind is racing but my body won't respond.

all the time i laid awake thursday night i didn't think about sugar pills. boy do i wish i had. i do manage to put my hands on some fruit leather and fortunately my digestion hasn't shut down yet. in about 15 minutes i have enough energy to find a granola bar, which i cram, and then back to sleep.

sunrise day 2

its 8 am and we are stirring. there are more vans in the parking lot now and the school has opened for showers and bathrooms. oh a shower. once everyone has dressed we decide to head to pig n pancake for breakfast. we have to wait a bit but when we finally sit pam says "it will be so nice to eat something that doesn't have a wrapper". we all laugh.

i guess our phones didn't get reception in the restaurant and when we are done we realize van 2 has beat their estimated time by an hour and we have missed their finish! we are so very bummed.

still the party at the beach is wonderful and we do finally go dip our toes in the pacific and it's coooold. but it's a beautiful day and we ask a passerby to take a picture. yes we turned our backs to the ocean and our toe deep water suddenly became calf deep. oh well.

ice cream and a short walk back to the car and we are on the road again, home. what a wild ride. new wonderful friendships, pushing my own limits, and accomplishing something amazing. wow.

Runner Hit During H2C

**Update**
It has been reported by police that the driver was, in fact, impaired at the time of the accident. although there seems to be no further details on that. The driver is a young woman with two small children so I would ask for prayers for her and her family, as well.

There is a donation account for Chelsee at Washington Mutual Bank and a support group on Facebook.

Thanks to everyone who has prayed/is praying.




I just wanted to ask for your thoughts and prayers for a young woman named Chelsee Caskey. I don't have the privilege of knowing her, but feel a care and concern for her as a fellow relay participant.

Chelsee was participating in the Portland to Coast High School Challenge Friday night,when she was hit from behind by a car on Highway 30 near Scappoose, Oregon. She is 18 years old and will be a senior at Portland's Lincoln High School. She suffers two broken legs and other injuries, as well. She is now facing extensive physical therapy and a long road to recovery.

This is the first such accident in the Hood to Coast/Portland to Coast's 27 year history. We (my team) were shocked and saddened when we first heard of this accident early Saturday morning. We were very happy to hear she will survive, and we hope and pray her recovery will be as smooth as possible.

We wish Chelsee the very best and will pray for her friends and family members as they support her recovery.

We DID It!

I have to tell you I'm so proud of myself and my teammates! To have accomplished this blows me away. Going into it, I was thinking, "How hard can it be?" but I discovered there is more to it than being able to racewalk a total 10 miles. The mental and emotional toll, the sleep deprivation, the inability to stretch properly, only eating things that come out of wrappers for 32 hours, the long lines at the outhouses...I hadn't anticipated how those things would impact the difficulty of what we were doing.

Most of you probably don't know yet what I'm talking about, so here is the short version.

Portland to Coast is the sister relay to Hood to Coast, which you may have heard of. P2C is the walking relay, H2C is the running relay.

Both relays consist of teams of 12 people, + 2 drivers + 3 volunteers. There are a total of 1450 teams between the two, so this event involves 17,400 participants and a total of 24.650 team members. So it's not big, it's HUGE.

In P2C, each participant walks two legs an average of about 5.5 miles each. The legs are done consecutively over the course of about 30 hours, nonstop. It begins in Portland and ends in Seaside, and each team walks a total of 127 miles. Our team placed 92/145 for our division and 240/400 overall.

I will write more about the experience when I have had a bit more rest. I also plan to catch up on the blogs and e-mail later today.

RACE DAY

Portland to Coast is upon us.

Well, not quite. But tomorrow I have to spend the day packing and preparing and going to a team meeting/dinner.

Then hit the hay at an early hour, because our start time is 4:30 AM Friday.

For anyone who might want to follow along, I have legs 18 and 30 and our team is called"Going Coastal". We aren't contenders, we're in it for the fun, and I'm hoping it DOES turn out to be fun.

So until Sunday, I will be completely offline.

Buh-bye.

I want to post....

...but I can't. I'm too exhausted. What is it about hours and days spent in the hospital that are so draining? Not really doing anything physically difficult...but feeding and entertaining and advocating for my mother-in-law. Trying to meet the needs of someone who can't communicate at all but is awake and alert.

I told my dad-in-law this morning that I don't know how he does it day after day. I'm only 37 and I was plum petered out last night. He says "I don't know but I can tell you, I sure sleep well at night". What a trooper. Not that he has a choice...but still.

Dad said a meeting with the neurologists this morning was not very encouraging. But I have a feeling she's gonna fight and win this. I just FEEL it.

She was more "there" today, making more direct eye contact and even smiling a little. And she can SING. In TUNE. She has always loved singing, and has a beautiful voice. Yesterday and today when Dad sang hymns with her, she sang right along...only getting about 5 word strings before returning to jibberish, but then picking it up again here and there. She was great at Jesus Loves Me and Amazing Grace.

Later today I had a CD on of, oh I don't know, but music she likes, like old romantic tunes, and she was singing along with one of them, all by herself. I didn't know the words to it, and couldn't tell what she was saying, but I could tell she was right on key and tempo. When they say music is good for the soul, I would agree. Lifts her spirits, for sure.

I combed her hair today. She has had a variety of "scans" and a 18 hour eeg, which required diode whatchamacallit's glued all over her head. Well, they didn't shave her head (which I'm glad), but just glued right on top of her hair. So combing was a 2 hour effort involving detangler spray, a comb, and lots of elbow grease. (You moms - think gum in hair times 100. )But we did manage to get most of the glue out (just wait, now they will want to do another eeg). She really seemed to enjoy it overall, except some protest when I pulled too hard. A couple times she even patted her head like she was fixing her hair. And she "talked" to me the entire time, just like we women do to our hairdressers.

She's IN THERE. I tell you. There is some disconnect somewhere, but she's still in there.

Well, Jim, you wanted "real life".

This be it.

Photos

I added two photo albums to Facebook last night; one of our beach vacations this summer and one of Ché's visit. I don't post pics here that much, but I decided Facebook would be a good place to do that.

Most were taken with my phone and it's only a 1.3 so they aren't super high res, but because I always have my phone with me, it's easy that way. I have a good digital camera, but I never remember to take it with me. 'Cause I'm a blonde.

New Ink

Well, not so new, but I realized I never posted a photo of the back piece I had done in May. So here it is, for those who may care.

I call it "From Death Comes Life".

Vines and leaves and flowers and little skulls with wings. Weird, but meaningful.

Mom in Law

I haven't posted an update in quite awhile about my mother in law's recovery from brain surgery.

The short version: on May 29th she went in for a relatively routine (if you can ever consider brain surgery routine) removal of a benign tumor. Unfortunately, as can happen, when the surgeons got in there, they were confronted with several unexpected complications...the tumor was quite a bit larger than they anticipated (the size of a golf ball) and it was calcified which meant a more invasive procedure to remove it. Suddenly her recovery estimates went from 6 weeks to 6 months. She was unable to speak and was paralyzed on her right side.

Her initial recovery was tumultuous, in fits and starts. In the first few weeks she was in and out of the hospital 5 times (I think) for various issues and spent some time in a nursing facility which did not go well. For the last 8 weeks or so she has been in a care home run by friends of the family and her recovery has been slow but steady since then, because she is in the care of people who love her. She regained her speech and last week they even had her standing a little.

A few days ago (I still do not have exact details on when) she began refusing to eat, and last night she was (by my husband's reports) curled up in a ball, refusing to eat or drink, unable to speak again. So she was taken to the hospital yet again late last night, and my husband went with his dad and stayed until late into the night until she was admitted.

Today it has been determined she has had a stroke. I don't have any further details on it, but my husband indicated there will be some kind of surgical procedure involved.

I would just like to ask you all, yet again, if you are willing to pray for her and for the family, especially my dad in law, who is at this point really struggling with this long process and with the pain she has experienced.

Synchrobloggishness

You may have noticed that about once a month I participate in a "synchroblog".

Well, now, for the low LOW price of $29.99, it can be yours! It slices, dices, walks the dog AND does the laundry! It is available in blue, pink AND chartreuse!

OK, I'm telling stories; it doesn't actually cost anything except your time, it doesn't do anything except make people think, and comes in any color you would like to paint your blog background. My point: the synchroblog is not, I repeat, NOT a closed endeavor. It's open to anyone and everyone who would like to join our monthly insanity.

Pastor Phil says:

"I have been arranging these things called SynchroBlogs for about a year and a half now. It's kind of a stupid name, which I came up with to define the experience, and during the Olympic season it sounds like two guys trying to dive together in unison, or a group of ladies doing ballet while floating in a pool with nose plugs on, but a SynchroBlog is neither of those things. One may need to wear nose plugs while reading the compendium of thoughts provided by the wildly divergent list of stinkers - uhm I mean thinkers, because we are bound to challenge your sensibilities, and perhaps even bend your sense of orthodoxy.

Our SynchroBlog is formed around a predominently Christian group of bloggers who like the idea of changing (or at least provoking) our little corner of the world. So, we all write about the same general subject, and release our thoughts on the same day. Thus it is a Synchronized Blogging event - a SynchroBlog.

Are you interested in being a SynchroBlogger? If so you can go to our SynchroBlog list server, and sign up to get updates mailed to you, and join the discussions of upcoming SynchroBlog Events. So, what are you waiting for? Join the provokers!"

If you would like to join us, click the above link and sign up for the mailing list. Once a month a suggested topic and posting date will show up in your e-mail. We (the participants) will banter back and forth until a topic and date is agreed upon, and each person indicates if they are "in" or "out" for that month. If a person is "in", they submit the link to their post to the mailing list, so we can each link to each other to show our solidarity, er, synchronization.

While we try to retain some kind of generally Christian undercurrent, you don't have to have any particular type of Christian beliefs to participate. It's kinda like a writing prompt; just run with it! You may participate as much or as little as your schedule allows; there is NO requirement to participate monthly.

To see a list of my synchroblog posts, go HERE.

Come join us! The More the Merrier!

Splish Splash

**UPDATE**

Can any of my Facebook resident experts tell me why some people can add me as a friend and some cannot? It's probably something to do with my privacy settings, but I don't know what I need to change.



I finally took the plunge and joined Facebook.

Yes, I was being cautious, but I have decided (I think) the benefits outweigh my reservations. I hope I'm not wrong.

Now I expect all you pros out there to tell me everything I need to know.

So hop to it!

Worst Song Ever?

Sue started it with I've Never Been to Me by Charlene.
Tyler Dawn Followed Suit with The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins by Leonard Nimoy

I submit:

My favorite line: "They even had a bear in the air." That's sooo sexy.

And "Eleven long-haired friends of Jesus in a chartreuse microbus." Yeah!

Who wants to play next?

Busy? No. Just Busy Whining.

A friend e-mailed today to ask if I have been busy, because I haven't been posting as much as usual. I'm still here, and it can be chalked up to busyness, at least in part. But I honestly, for the most part I have not had anything to say worth posting. It's summer, the kids are home so I don't have as much "quiet time" with my brain as I usually do. I also am being lazy, enjoying the last few weeks before 6 AM mornings are upon us again.

I have been around the blogs, trying to take more time than usual to interact and to care about what you all are writing rather than focusing on my own egotistical corner of the internet. I also have been training for the Portland to Coast, which is a scarce 9 days away.

I am also struggling again with wanting to get out in to the world instead of having my face pressed up against a screen for all my spiritual interaction. Not that I don't love you guys, because you know I do and you're my lifeline and my support group, but you all know what it's like to need face to face people to share spiritual life with, as well. I'm not up for church yet, I know that, and I find myself again tossing around the idea of starting an unchurch. But where to start eludes me. I'm an introvert, and a chickenshit one for that matter. I am broke and have no "core" group of people with whom to venture out. I am a lone ranger, I guess. What I really need right now is a chance...something, I don't even know what to ask for; something that nurtures me spiritually without fencing me in.

A few days ago a woman e-mailed me out of the blue. She found my blog via PDL and when she discovered we both live in Portland she asked if we could have coffee. I was thrilled at the prospect of meeting someone new from my neck of the woods, and said Yes! We discovered we're practically neighbors, so today we had that coffee right here, walking distance from my house, at the locally owned coffee shop. We sat for two hours, just chatting.

In the course of conversation, talking with someone new and sharing my journey, I listened to myself, and wondered if I'm bitter or if I really do want too much. Am I too picky? Is it all a pipe dream? I wonder, because in my head and heart, it all sounds so good, but said aloud, it just sounds like whining.

Why can't I just buck up and take the bull by the horns and not throw the baby out with the bathwater? Am I self-centered for wanting something that is more than a building once a week and a bunch of "How are you" 's from people who don't really care? Then, I'm just whining again.

But then, for me, for today, there was something real. Coffee and conversation with a person. That was all, but it was so much for me. That is what church is about. It's about being with people and sharing life. I need more of that.

The Love Shack

Last Friday, my friend Pam had the opportunity to be on a radio program featuring Paul Young, author of The Shack. The program is a regular part of OPB called Think Out Loud, and the episode is titled "Relationships and Religion".

The program also featured, as part of the conversation, local pastor of The Evergreen Community and blogger Bob Hyatt; as well as James Wellman, author of Evangelical vs. Liberal: The Clash of Christian Cultures in the Pacific Northwest.

This program can be found as a podcast on iTunes, (look for a date of August 1st, 2008, "Relationships and Religion") and I highly recommend listening to it. I took copious notes so I could impart to you some of the gems of the conversation, but it's well worth a 53-minute listen in its entirety.

(All quotes are Paul Young speaking.)

"All the religious stuff in my history, as much as I pursued God looking for a way to please him and get the affection of the father...none of it healed the stuff. It didn't change me on the inside. It wasn't until bad theology fell away and a relationship opened up and then I began to find out God had been there the whole time and waiting for me to be ready to deal with [the stuff]."

...

"For me, religion and relationship are very very contradictory ideas; you can come up with any religion you want that posits either an impersonal or personal God at a distance, and now it's up to you to find your way there through a series of steps or finding the right road or something like that, rather than a God that knows how lost we are and then pursues us. That's the incarnation to me, that is God becoming flesh in the person of Jesus Christ and that that then becomes all about relationship and relationship destroys religion.

...

"Any conversation about life is theology. It's going to permeate everything you do. Music, acting, nature. You are having a theological conversation on some level."

...

"When someone asks me "Paul are you a Christian?" I say, "Well tell me what one of those is and I'll tell you if I'm one of them".

Stop the Presses!

Alexander Solzinitzyn has died.

I once did a thesis paper on the man. Inspired me...to what, I don't know yet. Amazing story. If you aren't familiar with him, I would recommend learning a bit.

From CNN:

"Through unflinching accounts of the eight years he spent in the Soviet gulag, Solzhenitsyn's novels and non-fiction works exposed the secret history of the vast prison system that enslaved millions. The accounts riveted his countrymen and earned him years of bitter exile, but international renown.

And they inspired millions, perhaps, with the knowledge that one person's courage and integrity could, in the end, defeat the totalitarian machinery of an empire."

May he finally rest in peace.

A Week with a Friend

I am in my late 30's and have been married almost 17 years. Until three weeks ago I had never hosted an out-of-town guest. Frankly, I didn't really know anyone from out-of-town until I started blogging, not including Portland friends who moved away. Now, of course, out-of-town stretches nearly to the farthest reaches of the world.

So when Ché and I began discussing the possibility of her coming for a visit, I was ecstatic! Yay! My first houseguest! I quickly embarked on a journey of creating a guest room, cleaning, painting, redecorating...and anticipating the day she would arrive. I kept wondering if something was going to come up to prevent her visit, pessimist that I am, because I was so looking forward to it.

Ché and I are kindred spirits. I cannot count the times during her visit that one of us said "Me too!" in response to something the other one had said. There is something about this that is life-giving and affirming.

When we were little girls, no doubt most of us (those of us who were girls, anyhow) had the experience of meeting someone with whom we "clicked" almost immediately. A best friend forever, or at least for a year or two until our fickle hearts spoke otherwise. I did have this experience with a few of my growing-up friends...Jennie, Laura, Cindi...all with whom I still retain valuable friendships to this day. But most of the others are lost to the ages.

In adulthood I have found that "click" to be a rare experience. So often in adulthood we have so many directions and so many things pulling at our attention that it is a struggle to develop meaningful relationships.

Then there is the internet. For so many of the years since the 'net became a fixture in the average home, we have been fearful of these people who live at the other end of our connection. For we know not who they really are; maybe they are cyber-stalkers or con-artists or worse. But as time has passed, growing numbers of people have met great friends online, and overall our fear as a society has subsided. This is not to say a good measure of caution is not warranted, but we also feel a freedom to trust and are rewarded for it. Suddenly, there are people whom I call "friend" who live in all the corners of the earth.

When it comes to the net, our world has expanded and the people we have contact with has grown in leaps and bounds. We are able to relate to people on a certain level, people we have commonalities with that we might struggle to find in our tangible world. We have the opportunity to get to know people on our own terms, in our own time...yet somehow this doesn't seem to offend, for we are all in the same boat.

One day last summer, I don't even know how, Ché came to visit my blog. Over time, we began e-mailing and found much common ground. Months later we met in person, in so-called neutral territory, and became good friends. We soon began talking of her coming to visit, and although it took time to find a date that would be suitable for both of us, we did eventually iron it out. And one day, just about three weeks ago, she turned up on my front porch. In that week (or so) that we spent together, something finally became true for me...we really can make friends over long distances. I hope to make the trip to her home in the not-too-distant future...to listen to her kids bicker and see the sights in her neighborhood. I wanted to post a picture just to prove her visit, but we forgot to take one until the last moment and it did not turn out well. Ah, oh well.

For people who say real friendships can't form in the intangible world of the internet, this raspberry is for you.

Ppbblltt.

Flugtag PDX

This is Portland's Red Bull Flugtag event, yesterday. If you don't know what Flugtag is, don't ask. (OK, if you really want to know, go here.)

Video courtesy Oregonlive.com