Long-Wearing Nail Polish and Other Stories

The last few months have been a steep learning curve for me in maturity and compassion. Steep in the steepest way. If you are a visitor and would like to know more, you can go here, here, here and here.

This is a sensitive post to write, because I want to focus on a certain spirit of events, but to do so I need to reflect on a few things that I really don't wish to draw attention to anymore. I pray the people who read this who know my in-laws will glean my heart from this post.

First, some background. I married into a family quite different from my own (who doesn't?). Ironically, one of the reasons I married my husband was because our families were similar: our parents were still married to each other, we had both grown up in the faith, and we had almost always lived in the same neighborhood. But that is where the similarities diverged. My family was relatively liberal, his was quite conservative. My family was loose and loud, his had strongly held rules and was quiet. Their faith is strong and conservative, and I have believed they have always doubted mine, because mine is quiet and liberal. Needless to say, my relationship with them hasn't been easy, and I have never been close to them; all these things have seemed like impossible hurdles to me. Truly, for 18 years I was quite convinced they just didn't like me, and there seemed to be nothing I could do about it.

At the end of April, my 68 year old mother in law was diagnosed as having a benign brain tumor. At the end of May she had "routine" surgery to remove it. She had a stroke the next day. Ever since then there has been a long string of hospitals, nursing homes, Drs., new conditions, problems, procedures and nothing has been as it is expected. It was recently discovered she has hydrocephalus and this began causing seizures. Last week she had a brain shunt put in. At this moment, she is bedridden, unable to speak, almost paralyzed on her right side, and has a railroad track of staples in her skull. But don't get me wrong, she is IN THERE, because she does sometimes respond with nods or "Mmm-hmms", or raises her eyebrows, or smiles. And once in a while, she does get a phrase or a sentence out.

So, throughout the first months of my mother in law's illness, I only made cursory visits. I never meant to be distant, but the condition of our relationship made my involvement seem awkward. As well, my kids were home for summer vacation and they can only spend limited amounts of time alone, so it made visiting difficult.

But it so happened that my mom took my kids to the coast for 5 days in mid-August, and I suddenly had free time. And I knew just what I was supposed to do with it. Somewhere inside me, I realized that whatever the personal conflicts with my mother (or father) in law, I know she is a good woman. I know she doesn't at all deserve these months and the condition it has left her in. Only God knows why this has happened, but suddenly I felt compelled to do whatever I could, however little, to make it better for her. And it wasn't something I thought about or a decision I made...it just happened. It fell into me.

So for 5 days in August, I was there for her. It was simple, just small things that could make her more comfortable. I sat with her at the hospital, fed her meals, combed the glue from the incessant EEG's out of her hair, put hand lotion or chapstick on her. I pulled her covers up, fixed her gown so she was modestly covered, fixed her pillows, closed the blinds so the sun wasn't in her eyes, opened them so she could see the view. I went to the store to get her something different to eat than just hospital food. I read to her or put on a CD of music for her. I talked to her and got a little laugh or a smile. I got a nurse to care for anything I couldn't. And I sat in a hospital room across from my father in law and tried to encourage him when there didn't seem to be the words. Somewhere deep down I found hope where there seemed to be little.

I said to her, "I don't think you and I have ever spent this much time together, but I'm thoroughly enjoying it." This received raised eyebrows, but also a nod of understanding.

Two weeks ago, I sat and painted her fingernails with long-wearing pale pink nail polish. "Just because you're in the hospital doesn't mean you're not a lady", I told her, and she smiled and admired her nails. That was the first time I really cried throughout this; and we have bonded. Whether she realizes it or not.

Now, never in a million years did I think I would be in this place; I'm not special, and don't pat me on the back for it. I'm a selfish person by nature, not a compassionate one, however, those 5 days changed me. In a heartbeat, God melted all the ice I have felt for all these years.

As well, my relationship with my father in law has changed. He has seemed to soften towards me, maybe it was only a perception that he was hard towards me, but for many years I have believed that. Suddenly I feel maybe, just maybe, my tattoos and piercings and unconventional beliefs no longer add up to my worth in his eyes, but that he has seen something deeper and valuable in me.

So now I am trying...not because I should, not because I feel obligated, but because I want to, to be as involved as I can now. I am always looking for opportunities to visit her. I am asking questions of her Dr's, trying to glean as much information as I can. Likewise, I want to be as much for my father in law as I can; last night he came for dinner and spent the evening with us; almost a first in the 18 years since my husband and I met.

I guess what I have learned, in a nutshell, is simple. There are things, and then there are things. It's one thing to have theological or philosophical differences from someone. Then there is the the point of crisis, where a person must let go of those things and move forward. There are things, and then there is family. It doesn't mean that we don't still disagree; it means it doesn't matter that we disagree, it doesn't change that we are family.

And I think about how God works all things together for good, even the difficult things, and He will find a way to bring something of value out of it.

And I wonder if, after all these years, I never gave them any more chance than I felt like they gave me. And all these years, I thought it was they who needed to learn a lesson in acceptance; when really it was me, or at least me.

And, after all these years, I finally call them Mom and Dad, hug them and tell them I love them. Miracle of all miracles.

This post is part of a synchroblog on the topic of "Discussing Maturity in the Light of our Faith". Please visit my fellow synchrobloggers:

(I will update post links as they become available.)

Lainie Petersen at Headspace with "Watching Daddy Die"
Kathy Escobar at The Carnival in My Head with "what's inside the bunny?"
John Smulo at JohnSmulo.com with "Christian Maturity"
Beth Patterson at The Virtual Teahouse with "the future is ours to see: crumbling like a mountain"
Bryan Riley at Charis Shalom with "Still Complaining?"
Alan Knox at The Assembling of the Church with "Maturity and Education"
KW Leslie at The Evening of Kent with "Putting the Spiritual Infants in Charge"
Bethany Stedman at Coffee Klatch with "Moving Towards True Being: The Long Process of Maturity"
Adam Gonnerman at Igneous Quill with "Old Enough to Follow Christ?"
Joe Miller at More Than Cake with "Intentional Relationships for Maturity"
Jonathan Brink at JonathanBrink.com with "I Won't Sin"
Susan Barnes at A Booklook with "Growing Up"
Tracy Simmons at The Best Parts with "Knowing Him Who is From the Beginning"
Joseph Speranzella at A Tic in the Mind's Eye with "Spiritual Maturity And The Examination of Conscience"
Sally Coleman at Eternal Echoes with "Vulnerable Maturity"
Liz Dyer at Grace Rules with "What I Wish The Church Knew About Spiritual Maturity"
Cobus van Wyngaard at My Contemplations with "post-enlightenment Christians in an unenlightened South Africa"
Steve Hayes at Khanya with "Adult Content"
Ryan Peter at Ryan Peter Blogs and Stuff with "The Foundation For Ministry and Leading"
Phil Wyman at Square No More with "Is Maturity Really What I Want?"
Lew Ayotte at The Pursuit with "Maturity and Preaching"
Kai Schraml at Kaiblogy with "Mature Virtue"
Nic Paton at Sound and Silence with "Inclusion and Maturity"