Busy? No. Just Busy Whining.

A friend e-mailed today to ask if I have been busy, because I haven't been posting as much as usual. I'm still here, and it can be chalked up to busyness, at least in part. But I honestly, for the most part I have not had anything to say worth posting. It's summer, the kids are home so I don't have as much "quiet time" with my brain as I usually do. I also am being lazy, enjoying the last few weeks before 6 AM mornings are upon us again.

I have been around the blogs, trying to take more time than usual to interact and to care about what you all are writing rather than focusing on my own egotistical corner of the internet. I also have been training for the Portland to Coast, which is a scarce 9 days away.

I am also struggling again with wanting to get out in to the world instead of having my face pressed up against a screen for all my spiritual interaction. Not that I don't love you guys, because you know I do and you're my lifeline and my support group, but you all know what it's like to need face to face people to share spiritual life with, as well. I'm not up for church yet, I know that, and I find myself again tossing around the idea of starting an unchurch. But where to start eludes me. I'm an introvert, and a chickenshit one for that matter. I am broke and have no "core" group of people with whom to venture out. I am a lone ranger, I guess. What I really need right now is a chance...something, I don't even know what to ask for; something that nurtures me spiritually without fencing me in.

A few days ago a woman e-mailed me out of the blue. She found my blog via PDL and when she discovered we both live in Portland she asked if we could have coffee. I was thrilled at the prospect of meeting someone new from my neck of the woods, and said Yes! We discovered we're practically neighbors, so today we had that coffee right here, walking distance from my house, at the locally owned coffee shop. We sat for two hours, just chatting.

In the course of conversation, talking with someone new and sharing my journey, I listened to myself, and wondered if I'm bitter or if I really do want too much. Am I too picky? Is it all a pipe dream? I wonder, because in my head and heart, it all sounds so good, but said aloud, it just sounds like whining.

Why can't I just buck up and take the bull by the horns and not throw the baby out with the bathwater? Am I self-centered for wanting something that is more than a building once a week and a bunch of "How are you" 's from people who don't really care? Then, I'm just whining again.

But then, for me, for today, there was something real. Coffee and conversation with a person. That was all, but it was so much for me. That is what church is about. It's about being with people and sharing life. I need more of that.