No Bull

I know at least a few of you will understand what I'm going to say here...but many will not. In some ways, I hesitate to even write it. But my head is cloudy and I need to clear it.

Music does something to me. It changes my mood, even my frame of mind. I can hear any song I have loved since I was 12 and tell you exactly when it was, what I was doing (in life), how I was feeling, who my friends were, even who I had a crush on or was dating, if the time frame is pertinent. Music makes an imprint on my soul; an imprint of a time.

So listening to an oldies station (Oldies? Come on, the 80's weren't that long ago...were they?) recently and I was time-warped back to my least favorite time in my life; a place of trauma, ages 12-14. Usually, when I hear a song, any song that takes me there, I can't change the station fast enough; I will literally trip over myself trying to change it. If not, I might vomit. Seriously. Or have a panic attack.

Instead, I actually listened to a song that came on...went back into myself and tried to reach that hidden place, tried to reconnect with how I felt back then, what I was going through, and how I was coping. It was terrifying. This was the time in my life created the onset of my panic attacks - the same ones I still suffer from today, though less frequently than ever. This was also the time I started sneaking rum from my parents liquor cabinet (Hi Mom!). I was 12...and it continued on and off for a number of years. (I think they blamed my sister. Not funny, but true.)

The most interesting part of all this is...well, my greatest fear is that people will not understand. I suppose, like with anything, to anyone who hasn't been there, it is difficult to know the magnitude to which something like this can affect your life. Yet, in the context of the overwhelming suffering some people I know have endured, it seems so trivial.

But I'm going to take a deep breath and dive in.

I was bullied. Yes. Bullied.

Twice I actually determined to end my own life over it, but, as I sat on the bathroom floor with the sleeping pills in my fist, I couldn't go through with it for the simple fact that I didn't want my mother to have to bury me. When I read about this kind of thing in the news today, the children and teenagers who succeed at ending their lives, I feel nothing but compassion, because I understand. I certainly feel for the parents, but what I want to say to those who can't comprehend...yes, it really CAN be that bad. I call it teenage torture. And no one should ever take it lightly. Be it physical or emotional, name calling or public humiliation...it CAN kill.

In my case, the once or twice I actually let my guard down and sought help, I was told "Don't be ridiculous", "You're too sensitive", "Laugh it off", "Ignore it", "Don't be dramatic"...and just about every other worthless piece of advice there was. Worthless, yes, yes, my feelings were worthless. Invalid, I was.

So I turned entirely inward...probably exhibited all the classic signs of suicide. Shut myself in my room, didn't talk to anyone for days at a time, gave things away, had chronic insomnia, lied and feigned illnesses to keep from going to school, suffered from anorexia. Back then, they just didn't talk to parents about watching for the signs of suicide enough. Now, I know they do better; this is good.

I'm not really looking for advice. I've been to counseling, I've prayed and fasted, I've read the books....I'm really just wanting to share, especially for parents with school-aged children....if you child or teen complains of bullying or teasing at school, don't ignore it, don't minimize it, don't try to talk your kids out of their feelings. Instead, hear them, listen, care....reach out. It sometimes helps to talk to a school counselor or trusted teacher, however, many times it does not, because unavoidably the perpetrators will get wind that your child has complained and this will make it worse. If it's truly not tolerated by adults in the school, it will happen off school grounds, on the bus, online, wherever. So talking to the teacher or school counselor cannot be counted on as a remedy. You will have to be your child's rock. Listen to them. They are smart.

Also, watch for the signs of suicide, especially anything that is particularly out of character for your child or teenager -- an obvious change in personality, isolation, violence, giving things away, substance abuse, refusal to accept praise. Especially if your child is an introverted type. No matter how many times they tell you they are fine, if your instinct tells you otherwise, listen to it. More children die every year from suicide than from disease or accident.

Lately I have torturing myself with music from that time, hoping to trigger something, anything that could be the beginning of a process of healing. It is the only part of myself I still feel disconnected from. I don't really have any feelings about that season of my life, except when it comes to music. Then it all rushes back, threatening to overcome me for minutes or hours. I feel it is holding me back and to be honest, I am tired of it. I'm actually pissed that something so long ago can still have such a tangible hold on me. I don't know, part of me thinks I need to embrace this part of my past...part of me wants to continue to ignore it. I'm not sure where this is leading in my own life...but I wanted to share it.

Often I'm my own best therapist, given enough time, and I know so much of who I am and how I operate today has to do with the bullying I experienced and the invalidation of my feelings that was the result. I'm beginning to sort this level of my person out; this is good.

Anyhow, this could very well explain why I'm feel so strongly against religious bullying. There just is no place and I refuse to accept it anymore. I'm out now, free, and I'm not accepting of theology or doctrine as a way to push people around, minimize or condemn them. I make no apologies for this position, in fact, I'm proud of it.

A glimpse of me.