I know at least a few of you will understand what I'm going to say here...but many will not. In some ways, I hesitate to even write it. But my head is cloudy and I need to clear it.Music does something to me. It changes my mood, even my frame of mind. I can hear any song I have loved since I was 12 and tell you exactly when it was, what I was doing (in life), how I was feeling, who my friends were, even who I had a crush on or was dating, if the time frame is pertinent. Music makes an imprint on my soul; an imprint of a time.
So listening to an oldies station (Oldies? Come on, the 80's weren't that long ago...were they?) recently and I was time-warped back to my least favorite time in my life; a place of trauma, ages 12-14. Usually, when I hear a song, any song that takes me there, I can't change the station fast enough; I will literally trip over myself trying to change it. If not, I might vomit. Seriously. Or have a panic attack.
Instead, I actually listened to a song that came on...went back into myself and tried to reach that hidden place, tried to reconnect with how I felt back then, what I was going through, and how I was coping. It was terrifying. This was the time in my life created the onset of my panic attacks - the same ones I still suffer from today, though less frequently than ever. This was also the time I started sneaking rum from my parents liquor cabinet (Hi Mom!). I was 12...and it continued on and off for a number of years. (I think they blamed my sister. Not funny, but true.)
The most interesting part of all this is...well, my greatest fear is that people will not understand. I suppose, like with anything, to anyone who hasn't been there, it is difficult to know the magnitude to which something like this can affect your life. Yet, in the context of the overwhelming suffering some people I know have endured, it seems so trivial.
But I'm going to take a deep breath and dive in.
I was bullied. Yes. Bullied.
Twice I actually determined to end my own life over it, but, as I sat on the bathroom floor with the sleeping pills in my fist, I couldn't go through with it for the simple fact that I didn't want my mother to have to bury me. When I read about this kind of thing in the news today, the children and teenagers who succeed at ending their lives, I feel nothing but compassion, because I understand. I certainly feel for the parents, but what I want to say to those who can't comprehend...yes, it really CAN be that bad. I call it teenage torture. And no one should ever take it lightly. Be it physical or emotional, name calling or public humiliation...it CAN kill.
In my case, the once or twice I actually let my guard down and sought help, I was told "Don't be ridiculous", "You're too sensitive", "Laugh it off", "Ignore it", "Don't be dramatic"...and just about every other worthless piece of advice there was. Worthless, yes, yes, my feelings were worthless. Invalid, I was.
So I turned entirely inward...probably exhibited all the classic signs of suicide. Shut myself in my room, didn't talk to anyone for days at a time, gave things away, had chronic insomnia, lied and feigned illnesses to keep from going to school, suffered from anorexia. Back then, they just didn't talk to parents about watching for the signs of suicide enough. Now, I know they do better; this is good.
I'm not really looking for advice. I've been to counseling, I've prayed and fasted, I've read the books....I'm really just wanting to share, especially for parents with school-aged children....if you child or teen complains of bullying or teasing at school, don't ignore it, don't minimize it, don't try to talk your kids out of their feelings. Instead, hear them, listen, care....reach out. It sometimes helps to talk to a school counselor or trusted teacher, however, many times it does not, because unavoidably the perpetrators will get wind that your child has complained and this will make it worse. If it's truly not tolerated by adults in the school, it will happen off school grounds, on the bus, online, wherever. So talking to the teacher or school counselor cannot be counted on as a remedy. You will have to be your child's rock. Listen to them. They are smart.
Also, watch for the signs of suicide, especially anything that is particularly out of character for your child or teenager -- an obvious change in personality, isolation, violence, giving things away, substance abuse, refusal to accept praise. Especially if your child is an introverted type. No matter how many times they tell you they are fine, if your instinct tells you otherwise, listen to it. More children die every year from suicide than from disease or accident.
Lately I have torturing myself with music from that time, hoping to trigger something, anything that could be the beginning of a process of healing. It is the only part of myself I still feel disconnected from. I don't really have any feelings about that season of my life, except when it comes to music. Then it all rushes back, threatening to overcome me for minutes or hours. I feel it is holding me back and to be honest, I am tired of it. I'm actually pissed that something so long ago can still have such a tangible hold on me. I don't know, part of me thinks I need to embrace this part of my past...part of me wants to continue to ignore it. I'm not sure where this is leading in my own life...but I wanted to share it.
Often I'm my own best therapist, given enough time, and I know so much of who I am and how I operate today has to do with the bullying I experienced and the invalidation of my feelings that was the result. I'm beginning to sort this level of my person out; this is good.
Anyhow, this could very well explain why I'm feel so strongly against religious bullying. There just is no place and I refuse to accept it anymore. I'm out now, free, and I'm not accepting of theology or doctrine as a way to push people around, minimize or condemn them. I make no apologies for this position, in fact, I'm proud of it.
A glimpse of me.
38 comments:
Good for you girl. Maybe you could help me with something. Check my blog.
Thank you for your honesty. You hit the nail on the head with the point that they invalidated your feelings. When you tell a child that what they feel isn't valid, you tell them the are not of value.
Going back to reconnect with the child that was wronged - that is something I am in the process of doing. It is not easy, nor is it pleasant, but it is SO worth it to have back the parts of you that have been lost.
Hmm... if more people would be non-apologetic about not tolerating religious bullying and abuse, that would go a long way toward stopping it.
What a brave post, Erin. Thanks so much for sharing your story. My husband works in the local high school, and he is such a champion for any all kids who are bullied. I'm going to share this post with him as he will really be able to relate to all you've written.
It really sounds like you were traumatized. Might be helpful to pursue it from that angle, as healing trauma is very different from healing other kinds of wounds (I know, I've gotten healing from both!).
Hugs to you as you enter into this next part of your journey.
Kudos to you Erin for entering the numb. I can't think of anything more painful than sitting in the numb places (paradox). I am in the midst of my own (my very worst one) and some days it makes me want to die and other days it makes me yell at God that it takes so long to heal. Why does it have to take so long?
Now it's called relational aggression and it's real. So very real. My daughter is taking a dose of it on her hockey team from a real class act. Fortunately, we get it and know what she is going through. But it is horrible and she comes home in tears. Girls at that age are absolutely vicious. You are so brave.
Thank you for sharing this.
erin- thanks so much for this post. as parents i doubt we can ever be reminded enough about validating our kids feelings. when i deal daily with my daughter's pouting and near hysterics over trivial issues, it's easy to gloss over all emotions, even when they concern more serious matters.
i've done a little of that revisiting childhood pains also. it isn't fun, but i think you're right that it's the only way to ultimately move on.
I know the glimpse of you that you gave may help a parent listen to thier kid, help an adult with the courage to look at their own pain or help a friend know what to say or do.
And that is the wonder about dealing with our own brokenness. We are so afraid to talk about it because it may hurt us or someone may judge us but in the speaking about it we actually help people break down their own walls and get healing.
And that is what love is really all about. If you love a community you will make a decision to be known by them. Thanks for loving us here and trusting us with your heart.
I really wish I couldn't relate to this, but I can. Deeply.
I was "different" in school - intelligent and introverted - and I was bullied mercilessly as a result. When it became known that I was a boxing champion as well things just got worse.
I did all I could to avoid it - feigning illness to stay away from school, getting off the school bus early, rushing my lunch to get away from my tormentors and plenty of other things too. I lived with constant stress and fear, and at times I actually became genuinely ill as a result.
Probably the best thing I did was to move out of the area for several years after leaving school. I was able to start again away from the influence of the bullies, make good friends who appreciated me for who I am, and heal from most of the damage that was done. That said, there are still some people from those days who I wouldn't give the time of day to now.
Like you, I think my background is a major reason why I won't put up with religious bullying.
As an aside - now I'm a school teacher I realise just how hard it can be to spot bullying in schools. At times it can be almost impossible, but when we discover it we deal with it severely.
Nate - Thanks. I replied to your post.
Katherine - So true. But as a parent it's so hard even to recognize what is attention-getting and what is truly pain for a child. This is why I cannot hold it against my parents for not responding the way they should have...but I do try with my own children to give them the benefit of the doubt. When my older son complained of bullying, we talked about it right away and I told him the way he was treated was not acceptable, and we discussed options of what to do about it.
It is hard to reconcile that person in the past with the person of the present...but I hold to the hope that it will make a real difference in my life.
Thanks Tracy. It is trauma in some sense, I know because of my response to memories. It's requires unraveling in bits and seasons...a long process. I've been working on it since I was 15. I appreciate your encouragement.
Sue - I would like to say I don't know why it takes so long, but the truth is what we learn in the healing is just as or more important than the healing itself.
Sonja - I think there is something about adolescence that makes a person mean...not always nor in every situation, but on some levels. I suppose it's the hormones...anyhow, yeah, it's tough. It's too bad there isn't a really sure-fire way to deal with it.
You're welcome, Jarred.
Thanks, Erin. This is an important post. Thanks for reminding me not to minimize my children's feelings. And amen to no tolerating religious bullying!
Cindy - Exactly...it's so easy as an adult to feel like our child's emotions are petty, but to them they are everything.
Barb - I do hope it makes someone realize something, it was a hard post to write. But if nothing else it serves as a reminder to myself and how I treat my kids, and there is something healing in sharing it.
Erin,
What an important post. Your honesty will be helpful for so many others. I also feel it is an important step in your pursuit of healing.
Your ability to recognize bullying in the religious system is actually an extremely healthy response. So many of us are blind and in denial to its existence in church when there should be zero tolerance for it there also.
Erin,
Thanks for this glimpse of you and for the courage to post about this. My oldest is in elementary, and she doesn't understand why some kids are so mean. I appreciate your reminder to listen to her and validate her.
Barry - I'm sorry that you can relate. I was the intelligent introvert, too...and that is the toxic combination in adolescence.
Fortunately for me at the time I was attending a small private school, and when we all went on to high school, only 1 or 2 people went to the same school as I. Two people who knew about what happened to me in middle school against the 2000 who didn't was a good thing for me. I distanced myself and moved on and I found a group of friends and a place where I fit. Funny, though, how it still affects me today.
It is VERY hard for adults to recognize it unless they are told, often because it happens away from the watchful eyes of the teachers...that's why I don't want parents to rely on teachers to let them know or to handle it - not because teachers don't care, but because they just can't keep track of everything that goes on. Parents have to be involved and choose to listen to their children and take responsibility for what is going on.
Religious bullying is a form of invalidation, very closely related to the emotional invalidation a child can experience when bullied at school, so it's no surprise that these two are triggers for me (and you).
Maria - You're welcome. It's hard as a parent, especially when we hear whining and complaining all the time to know what is really important to our children. Our best defense in my opinion is to take it all seriously until proven otherwise.
Thanks Grace. Hopefully talking about it (both the past and the church) will be healing for me...but I think healing in this case won't mean complacency. If anything I think it makes me feel a bit of a crusader against the religious mindsets. Kinda cool, I think.
Mary - It's hard, all we can do is make it a priority to assume all things that bother our kids are important to them...even if it seems trivial. Unfortunately some children model what they see at home, so it's important to know that some kids aren't mean on purpose, especially at a young age. But it makes me sad to think this is what they learn at home.
A brave and important post. I am so sorry you endured this (my son did too and he talked of suicide in elementary school). I wish every parent and teacher could read this post. It wouldn't help bullies to read it, they need another kind of help.
Erin, you rock my world in so many ways. I relate to what you said about music and suicide and religious bullying.
Thank you so much for sharing this here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Barbara - I'm sorry your son dealt with this. Chances are it has had a permanent impact on him. At his age I know he probably doesn't want much to do with mom, but just know that it will probably surface for him at some point in the future, and vow that you will be there for him when it does.
I knew you, for sure, would get what I meant about music. Isn't that funny how it can be markers of times in our lives and take us back like it was yesterday?
Thanks for the encouragement. I need it.
I have a friend whose daughter is consistently bullied at school. It's so heartbreaking. She's a sweet girl, and extremely intelligent. The last episode was her being caught by the trash men as they emptied the dumpsters. She had been hiding behind the dumpsters to avoid having to go to a particular class. I cried with the mom over the idea of her daughter hiding behind garbage out of fear of being bullied.
I agree with everyone else that have praised you for writing such a brave post. I don't remember who said it but childhood really is what you spend the rest of your life trying to get over.
I also appreciate the reminder to listen to my children and to validate their feelings. It's so important that each of us, as individuals - regardless of age - feel that we've been heard.
Erin,
This is healthy! Words and abuse of any kind hurts. Scars. Your bent for music is shared by me. I also am triggered by the music of 'back then'. I was severely overweight. Teased constantly. Still carry the scars after years and years of therapy/gastric bypass and 12 step groups.
I'm also a mom. A mom who's daughter was caught 'cutting'. This as I understand is another way of 'letting' the pain go. Suicide. It is so evil in essence. But isn't all of the pain we endure? Bottom line...my daughter is now in counseling and I am in step beside her. Life is messy. Thanks for the glimpse of the secret part of you. Hugs!
This is really good. Thanks for sharing it.
People handle experiences so differently-- everyone copes differently. Some people laugh things off and some are not able to. It has nothing to do with sensitivity either. If anything, it has to do with whether a person has learned any coping mechanisms and what those are.
I never learned to cope with anything. Like anything, it needs to be taught, and learned, and I am only now starting to learn these things. I was bullied, but it only bothered me at the time. I was more traumatised by other seemingly simpler things, such as being forced to answer questions in class. lol. I mean, it seems funny, but I was a child who was scared to death to be called on and talk in front of anyone, and when I was called on, I would just cry. Even at home, when I would be asked to make a decision as simple as what I wanted for dinner, I would cry. I'm better now, but I'm still really "sensitive" in this area. If cornered even in a slight way, I have panic attacks and retreat into myself and I have no idea what's going on the outside. So, even small things can have lasting effects on people.
And, music, oh gosh. I am so musical it's sick, haha. I just will say that I relate there.
Erin - thank you for posting this subject. It's so unfortunate what happened to you and how it effected you. I'm so sorry. Even more troublesome is that it happened at the private school you were attending (I remember which one).
You completely validated my very maternal instinct to pull our daughter out of school at the beginning of this school year. At a school that claimed it was a "Bully Free Zone" school, the principal simply was not going to do her job to protect my daughter from the bully who was physically assaulting not only our daughter, but others as well. I simply could not stomach sending my daughter into that environment knowing full well what I knew.
I didn't want our daughter to leave that whole experience feeling like a victim, so it was important for me to show her and include her when I filed a complaint with the school district and the policy changes that went into effect because of it. Unfotunately, firing or reprimanding the principal wasn't included in there.
Thankfully, both kids are in schools that actually mean what they say when they have 0 tolerance for bullying. Neither of them have had any issues.
Again - thank you for sharing your story and bringing this subject up. The more we talk about it, the more we educate ourselves as to the signs of depression, suicide, etc. and are better equipped to help them.
Michelle - Yes. Yes. I have hid to avoid it, too. It's so hard. And it's so hard to deal with. Aside from pulling a child out of their school entirely, there aren't a lot of answers. They speak of zero tolerance policies in the schools, but it's very hard to police. Addressing the problem usually only makes it worse. I'm so sorry to hear about anyone who is going through that.
Hi Tara! It's great to see you again. I'm sorry to hear that your daughter has struggled, cutting is another "out" for many people who are bullied. I'm so glad she has you to count on, it can't be easy for you.
Music is funny, isn't it. We can derive so much pleasure and yet so much pain from it.
I'm going to check up with your blog and see how you're doing.
Lauren - Oh yes! I used to do anything to get out of talking in class. Being an introvert certainly contributes to bullying oftentimes.
I'm sorry to hear that you have dealt with some of the same things...it's tough...and the recovery process is lifelong.
Cindi - You are the only one here who knew me "back then". I so appreciate your encouragement, my developing friendship with you at that time in my life was a major Godsend.
It's so important to look out for our kids. The schools want to, but they simply can't. And they often don't handle bullying, still, they way they ought. It's good that you stepped up and cared for your daughter when things weren't going well. My mom didn't at the time, you know, she had good reason...but I still wish she had. Eventually she did, at the beginning of 8th grade she spoke with my teacher, who was a woman, and that was the beginning of turn-around for me.
(Well, that and those Ryan boys, but we won't talk about that. LOL.)
"If anything I think it makes me feel a bit of a crusader against the religious mindsets. Kinda cool, I think."
I relate to this. Yeah, it is kinda cool. ;-)
Thanks, Katherine! It IS cool. From what I read of your blog you might be becoming one, too.
After all the stuff you have worked through the last few years I'm confident you are your own best therapist. Between God and yourself at the right time you will know what you need to do to heal.
I was also suicidal at about 13-14 for slightly different reasons but as you say back then no one knew the signs to look for. Fortunately I became a Christian at 14 and suicide suddenly seemed like a bad option - I wasn't sure I wanted to met God quite that quickly!
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