4.19.2008
Not to complain or anything...
...but did I miss something? Because last time I checked it was April. In Portland. And it's snowing. I actually heard that my friend Cindi in Fairbanks was having warmer weather this weekend than we are. To give you a picture, it is currently 47F in Fairbanks and it's 35F here. What gives? And no I'm not in the mood for an argument about global warming...I'm speaking rhetorically. And yes, Mike, if you're reading, I'm sure it's worse where you are. ;-)
So anyhow.
We went to the memorial service yesterday. It was beautiful; it was up on the mountain and it was snowing. It was attended by - oh I'm terrible at guessing - I would say at least 250 people, standing room only, many of them kids. I told my husband later that it broke my hearts that so many kids had reason to attend a memorial service. They are far too young to have to do that, other than maybe for a great-grandparent.
When I was a senior in high school and my sister was a freshman, she lost a classmate to a car accident. She had been very close to this boy, and I will never forget the day. I will also never forget the memorial service...so many kids....mostly high-schoolers....and I remember thinking then how sad it was that so many young people had reason to grieve.
I have to say that in many ways I am feeling worse today than before, because before yesterday I knew OF KJ but I didn't KNOW KJ. If that makes any sense. I mean, I still can't say I know him, certainly, but hearing the amazing things which were said yesterday, not just by family, but by everyone I spoke to, I do feel like I know him more. And I'm sorry that we as a family haven't known that family more. I hope to remedy that in the future. But I much more clearly see the loss that people for whom KJ was a regular presence in their lives are experiencing, and I feel such sorrow for that.
Anyhow, I do have a renewed sense of life and of appreciation for my kids today. To treat each day as a gift and as precious. To embrace their passions and let them chase their dreams. KJ was able to pursue that which he was passionate about and gifted for, and his parents unabashedly supported him. They lost him, but they lost him to what he loved, what he lived and breathed and dreamed. There has to be some value in that, somewhere, someday. In many ways I haven't been supportive of my son's kart racing...my husband used to race motorcycles at high speeds, and I learned to fear any kind of racing. We saw such intense injuries in that, so any kind of racing really puts a bad taste in my mouth. It's not that I'm UNsupportive of the karting, I am just not supportive. If that makes any sense. And now I wonder, am I missing a part of my son's life that I don't go to races regularly....I don't know, I'm still pondering that, but since yesterday I'm thinking more about it.
I feel the sadness of a life that had such promise cut so short....and I realize now that this loss entails not only the grieving of his everyday presence, but the grieving of his future. The things he was reaching for which will never be realized, not this side of heaven anyhow. I don't think I, as a mother, truly realized this future grief until KJ's father said to us yesterday "Be sure to tell me about your sons' first kisses." And knowing they won't ever have those normal life moments, the one still to come at this young age.
One thing which was said at the service, I believe by the family's Pastor, was something like this:
"KJ lived a more full life in 12 years than many people do in 60 or more."
And it would seem like that was such a simple comment, however, from everything I heard yesterday it also was so very true.
Just my disjointed thoughts for today.
So anyhow.
We went to the memorial service yesterday. It was beautiful; it was up on the mountain and it was snowing. It was attended by - oh I'm terrible at guessing - I would say at least 250 people, standing room only, many of them kids. I told my husband later that it broke my hearts that so many kids had reason to attend a memorial service. They are far too young to have to do that, other than maybe for a great-grandparent.
When I was a senior in high school and my sister was a freshman, she lost a classmate to a car accident. She had been very close to this boy, and I will never forget the day. I will also never forget the memorial service...so many kids....mostly high-schoolers....and I remember thinking then how sad it was that so many young people had reason to grieve.
I have to say that in many ways I am feeling worse today than before, because before yesterday I knew OF KJ but I didn't KNOW KJ. If that makes any sense. I mean, I still can't say I know him, certainly, but hearing the amazing things which were said yesterday, not just by family, but by everyone I spoke to, I do feel like I know him more. And I'm sorry that we as a family haven't known that family more. I hope to remedy that in the future. But I much more clearly see the loss that people for whom KJ was a regular presence in their lives are experiencing, and I feel such sorrow for that.
Anyhow, I do have a renewed sense of life and of appreciation for my kids today. To treat each day as a gift and as precious. To embrace their passions and let them chase their dreams. KJ was able to pursue that which he was passionate about and gifted for, and his parents unabashedly supported him. They lost him, but they lost him to what he loved, what he lived and breathed and dreamed. There has to be some value in that, somewhere, someday. In many ways I haven't been supportive of my son's kart racing...my husband used to race motorcycles at high speeds, and I learned to fear any kind of racing. We saw such intense injuries in that, so any kind of racing really puts a bad taste in my mouth. It's not that I'm UNsupportive of the karting, I am just not supportive. If that makes any sense. And now I wonder, am I missing a part of my son's life that I don't go to races regularly....I don't know, I'm still pondering that, but since yesterday I'm thinking more about it.
I feel the sadness of a life that had such promise cut so short....and I realize now that this loss entails not only the grieving of his everyday presence, but the grieving of his future. The things he was reaching for which will never be realized, not this side of heaven anyhow. I don't think I, as a mother, truly realized this future grief until KJ's father said to us yesterday "Be sure to tell me about your sons' first kisses." And knowing they won't ever have those normal life moments, the one still to come at this young age.
One thing which was said at the service, I believe by the family's Pastor, was something like this:
"KJ lived a more full life in 12 years than many people do in 60 or more."
And it would seem like that was such a simple comment, however, from everything I heard yesterday it also was so very true.
Just my disjointed thoughts for today.
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