2.29.2008
Leaps
Yesterday my young son asked me if his (autumn) birthday would be on the same day this year. I asked why he thought it wouldn't be. He informed me that since there is an extra day in February, he thought his birthday would fall one day later. He was relieved to find that's not true. Birthdays are important, you know?
I also heard someone say their boss ought to pay them for an extra day this month, but in reality this is still one of the shortest work-months of the year, so I doubt that would fly.
I other news, yesterday I finished The Shack. It was a beautiful spring-like day, and instead of sitting inside with my laptop, I sat in the sun on the front porch reading and watching all the kiddoes run around on the first day this year warm enough for shorts and tank tops, if only for a few hours this afternoon.
Not being a gifted book reviewer, you will have to settle for my emotional reaction. This book said precisely what I've been feeling for the last three or so years, validating my Spirit and overwhelming me. Some reviewers have said it's a little clunky, and I concede that, at times, it is. However, the message is far too meaningful to me to care, even in the least. This book has changed me. I can't even tell you the ways in which it was relevant to me, providing me hope and rest. I haven't cried that much in a long time.
I think, in part, this book takes on a new depth and meaning for me because of where I live. I have been to many of the places the author mentions, and live in the same town, likely a few small miles from the him, so the landscape is very real to me. There is something more tangible about a book whose setting is somewhere you've actually been.
Anyhow, I realize it's not the book which has changed me, it was only a catalyst which opened up my heart to really hear what Papa has been trying to say to me. These years of holding on to pain, grief, anger and bitterness have consumed me, and very nearly shut my spirit down entirely. I haven't wanted to be close to God, because practical experience has shown me that is only a place of hurt. Yes, intellectually, I have known that it is people who have hurt me, but try to tell that to me and I will say - "I was following after God with my heart and soul, and look what happened!" Maybe if I keep myself at arm's length, I can protect my heart.
I was going through all my previous posts the other day, looking for material for a project I'm working on. In doing so, I realized back last fall I had begun to tell you my story, the truth of the matter, but got distracted and never finished. I think also because I didn't know how to tell it, since writing under my real name, in a way that wouldn't be hurtful to the other people involved, were they ever to happen to read here. Maybe I will pick that up again, now. Maybe. For it provides context to my journey.
So, when I walked away from church, I carefully turned off the spigot of God. Not that I ceased loving Him or wanting Him, but I no longer desired the closeness I had developed, for it had only led to misery. The fountain which had been God's spirit dried up, and I was more than happy for that to be.
Lately there have been several things coming up where I know I will need that fountain, the running and living water, back in my life. I don't know how I will get there, it will be a journey that I cannot map out at this time. But I know the timing of this book, which I have been intending to read for months but only just now got to, was orchestrated for me on purpose. This booked began the process of re-awakening in me, softly, almost subversively, all the things which have lain dormant for these last years.
It's a leap of faith, for me, to move forward in this new place. I can only vow to try to let go of the past and embrace the future, and learn that pain, even when allowed by God, is not caused by God. It will be a rocky road, full of fits and starts, but maybe, hopefully, a year from now, I will look back and see how far I've come.
I also heard someone say their boss ought to pay them for an extra day this month, but in reality this is still one of the shortest work-months of the year, so I doubt that would fly.
I other news, yesterday I finished The Shack. It was a beautiful spring-like day, and instead of sitting inside with my laptop, I sat in the sun on the front porch reading and watching all the kiddoes run around on the first day this year warm enough for shorts and tank tops, if only for a few hours this afternoon.
Not being a gifted book reviewer, you will have to settle for my emotional reaction. This book said precisely what I've been feeling for the last three or so years, validating my Spirit and overwhelming me. Some reviewers have said it's a little clunky, and I concede that, at times, it is. However, the message is far too meaningful to me to care, even in the least. This book has changed me. I can't even tell you the ways in which it was relevant to me, providing me hope and rest. I haven't cried that much in a long time.
I think, in part, this book takes on a new depth and meaning for me because of where I live. I have been to many of the places the author mentions, and live in the same town, likely a few small miles from the him, so the landscape is very real to me. There is something more tangible about a book whose setting is somewhere you've actually been.
Anyhow, I realize it's not the book which has changed me, it was only a catalyst which opened up my heart to really hear what Papa has been trying to say to me. These years of holding on to pain, grief, anger and bitterness have consumed me, and very nearly shut my spirit down entirely. I haven't wanted to be close to God, because practical experience has shown me that is only a place of hurt. Yes, intellectually, I have known that it is people who have hurt me, but try to tell that to me and I will say - "I was following after God with my heart and soul, and look what happened!" Maybe if I keep myself at arm's length, I can protect my heart.
I was going through all my previous posts the other day, looking for material for a project I'm working on. In doing so, I realized back last fall I had begun to tell you my story, the truth of the matter, but got distracted and never finished. I think also because I didn't know how to tell it, since writing under my real name, in a way that wouldn't be hurtful to the other people involved, were they ever to happen to read here. Maybe I will pick that up again, now. Maybe. For it provides context to my journey.
So, when I walked away from church, I carefully turned off the spigot of God. Not that I ceased loving Him or wanting Him, but I no longer desired the closeness I had developed, for it had only led to misery. The fountain which had been God's spirit dried up, and I was more than happy for that to be.
Lately there have been several things coming up where I know I will need that fountain, the running and living water, back in my life. I don't know how I will get there, it will be a journey that I cannot map out at this time. But I know the timing of this book, which I have been intending to read for months but only just now got to, was orchestrated for me on purpose. This booked began the process of re-awakening in me, softly, almost subversively, all the things which have lain dormant for these last years.
It's a leap of faith, for me, to move forward in this new place. I can only vow to try to let go of the past and embrace the future, and learn that pain, even when allowed by God, is not caused by God. It will be a rocky road, full of fits and starts, but maybe, hopefully, a year from now, I will look back and see how far I've come.
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