Off-the-Map Live!

As you probably know, I'll be heading out in the morning to Off the Map Live.

I'll be gone through Sunday, but I will have my laptop. I intend to blog though the conference as much as I have time for, but I might not be able to respond to e-mails or comments much while I'm there.

For those of you who will be there, just look for pink hair - my bangs and a few streaks...

If you are a blogger and haven't yet signed up for the bloggers dinner, look for info HERE...or just comment or send me an e-mail and I'll send you the E-vite.

If you want to keep up with the goings-on during the conference, John Smulo will be live-blogging. I believe that will be HERE, but I will update that link if I'm wrong. It might be at his personal blog, or somewhere else...

Prayer....or Not?

The other day I asked a pointed question:

If someone who is clearly of another faith offered to pray for you, how would you respond? Are all prayers the same regardless of what deity those prayers are offered up to? Would you ever tell someone NOT to pray for you if you knew they would be praying to a god other than yours?

This question was inspired by a post I read at Steve "Wanderer" Graves blog "Life or Something Close to It."

Steve is a self-described Pagan, Wiccan, Goddess worshiper. Recently a Christian friend of his asked him to pray for her....well, let me just quote him here:

"A few months ago, a friend of mine was preparing to undergo surgery, and she called upon all of her friends to pray for her during this ordeal. I was included on that list at the time, and I must admit that it raised some rather interesting questions for me. This woman is a Christian. One with whom I have debated theology with on occasion. She has made it clear that she is of the opinion that the Goddess that I speak of and speak to is really the devil, or some demon working for him to ensnare my soul."

"I did bring up to her the fact that she has declared that the one that I pray to is an evil force, and as such, praying to Her would seemingly be something that would not be in her best interest if she is correct."

"To paraphrase the response she gave, that I don't have in front of me right now, she indicated that it was not an issue of who I was praying to, but who was listening [emphasis added]....It presents the concept that if the Christians are right about their one true god, it doesn't matter who I pray to, or what name I use, their god will respond or not the same anyway."

I don't know Steve very well at all, but I've been reading his posts long enough to say that I don't believe he is being antagonistic. I think it's a fair question.

Point two: I have recently been reading a blog that Helen pointed to, called Leaving Eden, written by a Wheaton (a Christian College) student who has left Christianity for atheism while attending college there. The other day, the blog author wrote about prayer:

"It’s midterm week at Wheaton, and everybody is frantically taking exams, writing papers, and getting ready for Fall Break. For devotions in every class, we pray for our exams, preservation of sanity, and safety traveling during Fall Break. I think it’s incredibly hokey. So I was surprised, as I walked across campus on my way to take a midterm exam, to find myself wishing that there was some atheistic equivalent to prayer."

"Is there an atheistic equivalent of prayer? A way to recognize the good, prepare for the worst, and put your mind at ease, maybe with a small ritual? How do you express concern for someone where you might normally say “I’ll pray for you”? How do you keep friends’ troubles in your thoughts and mentally provide moral support? Or are these psychological games purely the domain of religion? Or, is praying essentially the same as thinking? As I once overheard a Wheaton student say to another, “sometimes I don’t know if I’m praying or thinking”.

I originally asked you if you would mind someone praying for you even if they were not praying to your God, and the answers were overwhelmingly "Yes". You said you'd appreciate that someone cared enough about you to pray for you, even if they are of another faith.

Let me take that a step further here...I've been thinking...does the God we pray to, the Abrahamic God, hear everything? Does God have a special filter for atheists 'thougths' or a Pagan's prayers to their Goddess? Is it all the same because all humans are His children and He loves us all? Is it wrong for us to even ask that question considering that these individuals don't believe in our God and therefore they are lost, regardless? Are a Pagan's prayers or blessings harmful to you? Could a Pagan who cares about you inadvertently curse you simply because they pray to a Deity who is a "false" god to Christianity? Is the idea that the only God who truly exists is the Abrahamic God disrespectful to people of other beliefs?

I know this is a loaded question and I'm not going to claim to have an answer...I want to hear what you think and then I'll chime in a little later.

WWJDWTC Week 2

In which we are really only at week ONE.

In my What would Jesus do with the Church post, I said I was going to try going back to church. Miracle of all miracles. However, my husband and I saw fit to contract pertussis and I spent most of the last two weeks in bed. Believe me, you don't want to get it. This article about the outbreak, while not the county we live in, is in Oregon. Oh, and adults CAN be vaccinated against it, you just have to ask. Typically it comes in a tetanus/diphtheria/pertussis combo.

So I'm starting my 30 days over and I have just completed week one. As a sidenote, I realized in my initial WWJWTC post, I never really explained why I thought my going to church had anything to do with what Jesus would DO with the church...when I wrote that post I was in the initial throes of my illness, and had trouble writing coherently...my point was simple, Jesus would want us to be a real live community of some sort, and the only way I could participate in that was to just DO it. That's not to say I haven't been in community for the last 3 years, but that's another post entirely.

So, yesterday, I went to church. [Gasp!] If I remember correctly, it was my first time in "church proper" in 2.5 years. However, there was nothing "proper" about The Bridge yesterday. And I loved it!

First, a bit of background. About a year and a half ago, I happened across Pam, commenting on some post on Emerging Grace. Something in Pam's comment referenced that she lived in Portland. So I looked up her blog, and e-mailed her. We hit it off almost immediately...we e-mailed back and forth for a few weeks and then met in person. Our friendship has grown ever since. At the time, Pam and her family were between churches, and The Bridge was one they were considering. Not long after I met Pam, she introduced me to Donna. Donna also was becoming involved at The Bridge. My friendship with Donna has been awesome, as well.

I have been telling Pam and Donna that I don't have a church, but if I had one, The Bridge would be it. It is my church by proxy via these two women, or I have been churching vicariously through them...and I have followed the goings-on there over the last year or so with growing interest.

So it was only natural for me to want to go there for this WWJDWTC "experiment".

The Bridge is actually meeting in a church again these days, after meeting in a pub and in a ballroom in past years. Someone said to me recently (was it Pam?) that The Bridge was meeting in pub before it was fashionable to do so, and now that everyone else is meeting in pubs, they have gone back to meeting in a church, trend-setters that they are. Real post-postmodern stuff. It's a small church in a normal neighborhood. While the sanctuary itself is quite conventional, the chairs in the sanctuary were arranged in a circular fashion (cool) with the instruments and mics in the center.

It was an unusual week, even for The Bridge (MySpace)...it was BridgeKids Sunday, so the kids were the center of attention for this service. And were they ever. The children were gathered around, many sitting on pillows on the floor. These kids ranged in age from wee to teen. During worship, the kids played bells, tambourines, wood blocks and maracas. I can't tell you the cacophony of sounds. The smaller ones also ran around, chased each other, and seemed to thoroughly enjoy the music.

Oh and did I say unconventional yet? Yesterday everyone was invited to come in their Halloween costumes. Most (all?) of the kids were in costume, and many adults.

Of course, worship at The Bridge is always unconventional. To the best of my knowledge their music is heavy on the original, much (most? all?) of it written by their house worship band, Agents of Future, (MySpace) who I have mentioned here before. Sidenote: if you will be at Off the Map Live this weekend, you will have the tremendous privilege of hearing AoF play.

Yesterday, I don't think AoF were in house, per se. The worship was led (I hate to say led, but you know what I mean) by several adults, and those on the mic's knew how to belt it out. The kids were raising the roof; they let loose and worshiped...and it was cool! There is no holding back in Bridge worship, there is no stuffy pseudo-semi-hand-raising...you are either in it our you're not. I definitely saw some full-body worship going on there, and it was refreshing. It wasn't a hyper-charismatic free-for-all, it was heartfelt and genuine.

Oh and did I mention they are loud?

It's funny, but at least four people apologized to me, saying "This isn't a typical Bridge service". My (albeit silent) response to that? It damned well better be, because I loved it! Oh and they don't meet until 11:30AM...I KNEW there was a reason I like these people.

I didn't know the words to the songs, so I simply listened. The words were on an overhead, but there were several people standing in front of me that I couldn't see beyond. In just about any other church I would have been irritated that I couldn't see the words; yesterday, it was honestly nice to have an excuse to sit and soak. The worship was beautiful (loud and raucous, but beautiful) and it drew something out of me like you might draw venom out of a person who has been bit by a rattler. I felt this loss of something I have been holding onto, my identity of being "unchurched".

The message was a recap for the adults of what the kids have been learning in the last month or two, based on the 5 love languages. Periodically during the message, we had a "dance party". This is something they typically do with the kids -- every so often they stop the message and put on some good dancin' music and the kids dance for a couple of minutes. So yesterday, the entire church had the chance to experience this. Imagine, if you will, your Pastor giving his (her) sermon...but stopping every 10 minutes or so, turning on, oh I don't know, Celebrate by Kool and the Gang...and everyone stands up and dances for 2 minutes.

After the message, we all did an activity. We were passed identical large white paper puzzle pieces and crayons. We were to draw on them, write our names and love language. Then we hooked them all together on the floor. It was a great visual for how we are all connected, but there is always room for more. This is a place welcoming to the homeless community, and there are often (always?) some homeless people attending the service, if only because they give out donated groceries after service. I think this is fantastic...it's who Jesus would be. So the puzzle was especially meaningful.

Incidentally, while the church is about 15 minutes away for me, it's literally just down the street from my parents house...and my mom said she might be interested in checking it out with me next time I go. My parents are also somewhat "between" churches at the moment, so it makes sense.

So I suppose you want me to recount some really life changing thoughts? Actually, yesterday was not a normal day for me either...I had three family birthdays to attend to in the afternoon and so I had to rush out the minute the service was over...I felt rude for not socializing, but that was just the way it worked out this time.

In the end, I came away changed...there is so much in my perceptions that I cannot tell you. The feelings were deep and I'm sure I'll have more to write about it after I digest awhile.

While I no longer have illusions about any church being "perfect", there is definitely something different going on there. Different in many good ways.

Bread and Oranges?

First, I have to say I am still working on getting well, but it's been a slow process. Today I have been trying to catch up on my blog reading, but I still haven't read or commented on the Halloween posts...if you noticed my absence, I'm sorry. I was down for 8 days and have been taking time getting caught up on real-life as much as possible: like making sure my brood has clean underwear.

However, yesterday, I was able to take a few hours out to do something fun.

A few weeks ago, I received an e-mail from my friend Kathy Escobar, co-Pastor of The Refuge in Broomfield, near Denver, saying some "researchers" from Tucson, Carol and Kate Bradsen, had just been at The Refuge. She told me they are "traveling around the western US, looking to connect with as many eclectic sources of community as possible", and would be in Portland sometime this fall.

In my best Tim Allen voice: "Arrrruh?" In other words, that caught my attention, for sure.

With me being such an "eclectic faith community", I couldn't resist e-mailing them. Then they e-mailed me and I them, back and forth. Yesterday I finally had the privilege of meeting with Carol for quite awhile, over coffee and pumpkin bread at a place called The Ugly Mug. Initially I was hoping to obtain some good interview fodder to post here on the blog, but Carol was so much fun and so interesting to talk to that I completely forgot about taking notes. So what I share here will have to be from memory and from their blog and website.

The story: Kate is an ordained Episcopal Priest who was serving in a progressive church in Tucson. In May she announced she would be leaving her position so, among other things, she and her partner Carol (who possesses an MDiv and is a skilled graphic artist) could embark on a journey to find "signs of life":

"I loved the people I was serving. Deeply. But I found more and more of my time being consumed by tedious tasks that I found meaningless, rather than actually getting to spend time with those people.

(...)

"And so it comes to this: I am still a priest. I still know that God is calling me to proclaim good news and freedom to the oppressed. But I think the church I am called to serve does not have a building (or many of the tedious tasks that seem to come with one). So my partner (who, in case you were wondering, is just as qualified to be a priest as I am, except she chose not to kneel before a bishop) and I are setting out to find it.

(...)

"It is not easy to put down our steady incomes, our health insurance, our back yard with a view of the mountains, a church community of people we love. But it is clear to us. We must go."

So Carol and Kate moved out of their home, packed up their stuff, and took with them only what they could fit into a veggie-oil-powered camper truck. They embarked from Tucson on September 7th.

Up to this point, their "research" has taken them many places: New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming, Utah, Washington State, and now Oregon. They plan to venture into California beginning later this week, then eventually home to Arizona. I highly recommend reading about their adventures on their blog. It's a fun and interesting story.

"We are poking around catherdrals and cafe's. Jawing with artists and academics. Seeking our mystics and activists. And dancing with wildly creative faith communities. We are asking things like 'what makes you come alive?' and we are listening."

Among other things, they are promoting and discussing their 'zine idea, called 'Bread and Oranges: Zest of the Living'. (You can download a PDF of the pilot issue HERE.)

"Some of the folks profiled in these pages are living out their creative dreams. Some are seeking the Sacred in the midst of pain and change. Some are reimagining how to live out an ancient faith in ways that are life-giving to them today. All of them offer us a little piece of hope, help us to expand our imaginations, and remind us of our connection to one another. And those are some of the things—hope, imagination, and community—that many of us long for. They are signs of life."

It's a cool and fascinating read, very different...I highly recommend you take a peek at it, and I definitely look forward to seeing more. Oh, and they are also accepting submissions for further issues. If you would like submission info, e-mail me; or you can contact Carol and Kate: jointheliving at gmail dot com .

They are also working on several other things:

~ Looking for inspiration and ideas a nu-monastic faith community they are calling "The Living Community House"; hoping to start sometime next year.

~ Creative Collaborations with people from a variety of media. The first project is to be called "The Living Jesus".

~ The Uprising event: Easter ever 2008, somewhere in the desert of Arizona.

I truly enjoyed talking with Carol, hearing her ideas and vision, and gleaning some encouraging theological insight. She is wise, with a peaceful demeanor and a passion for talking with people. She also is a fellow INFP (maybe that's why we got along so well?). It was a great time, if you ask me, and I might well have to make a pilgrimage to Tucson one of these days to see what they are up to.

Please check out Join the Living and their blog. For more information, you can contact them at jointheliving at gmail dot com.

H-A-double-L-O-double-U-double-E-N

This post is for the "Christians and Halloweeen" Synchroblog. Please visit my fellow synchroblogers, listed at the bottom of this post.


When I was in elementary school (1st-3rd grade) we sang this song in music class every year in October:

H-A-Double-L-O-Double-U-Double-E-N Spells Halloween
H-A-Double-L-O-Double-U-Double-E-N Spells Halloween

Halloween means ghosts and goblins,
Skeletons, monsters and howling cats.
Spooky masks and jack-o-lanterns
Witches and devils and big black bats.

H-A-Double-L-O-Double-U-Double-E-N Spells Halloween
H-A-Double-L-O-Double-U-Double-E-N Spells Halloween

Halloween means ringing doorbells,
Scaring the people who open the door.
Trick-or-Treat gets you candy and apples,
Then go to the next house and get some more.

When I was a girl, Halloween was a mystical adventure for me...being out at alone night, running around with my friends...dressing up silly or scary; not to mention the candy haul. Back in those days, people still felt relatively safe letting their children roam the neighborhood without an adult, because everyone knew everyone, and all the parents knew that other parents would look out for their kids. Seems idyllic, huh?

We would be given a flashlight and a pumpkin bucket and trick-or-treat for hours. Then we would return home to pore over our treasures; trading the things we didn't like for things we did. Of course, there were the disappointing finds: the toothbrush from the dentist around the corner, the raisins from the people on 36th street, the mandarin orange from the old man up on the hill. Then there were the FULL-SIZED candy bars from the people in the next neighborhood, who we always felt were wealthy. How else could they afford to not pass out the little miniature candy bars?

I remember the year our parents became suspicious of Halloween...the rumors were rampant, all over the news: weird people were hiding things like razor-blades or cyanide in the Halloween candy they passed out. I was probably 11 and suddenly, our night was not our own. We were instructed not to eat any of the candy until our parents inspected it. We had to throw away everything that looked the lest bit suspicious or as if it had been tampered with. We were no longer allowed to roam alone or visit the homes of people we didn't know; because somehow these suspicions expanded to include evil-children-eater-witches who might kidnap us like in Hansel and Gretel.

To me, Halloween was innocent. It meant nothing more to me than Candy-with-a-capital-C. To my parents, suddenly it became one more thing to worry about. However, even with their concerns, they never eliminated Halloween altogether, they simply put out a few boundaries to keep us safe. They didn't take us out of Halloween, they just used common sense about it.

One day, I grew up and became a parent...and for the first time became aware of the Christian controversy surrounding Halloween. Suddenly we were inundated with lectures about the evils and demonic forces surrounding the holiday. We noticed churches were having something called a "harvest festival" on October 31st so their members could avoid traditional Halloween activities. Somehow pumpkin carving, bobbing for apples and wearing costumes on October 31st were "safe" when done in a church, but evil when done in the neighborhood.

We tried to obey the church's ideals about Halloween, but somehow my husband and I couldn't see fit to rob our children of the fun...so we would get them cute costumes and let them trick-or-treat at a few homes of people we knew. We were chastised by some of our Christian friends for even doing this much, so we were careful how much homage we paid to this pagan holiday.

Fast forward a few years and I've realized a few things. When I left the church, I my eyes were opened to the hypocrisy; how we would label certain traditions as evil, then take those same traditions, "clean them up" and make them our own.; instead of Halloween, we'll call it a "harvest festival", but it's more or less the same thing.

Trust me, I've been a good charismatic, and I understand about demonic spirits and all that jazz. I've studied all the arguments against this celebration. Yes, Halloween may have it's roots in some pagan ritual from eons ago. However, in my world, Halloween as it is practiced in the US is no more a pagan holiday than Christmas or Easter. All three have pagan traditions incorporated into them, but the holidays are simply what we make of them.

Halloween is a great opportunity to be 'missional', to get to know your neighbors, be a part of your community. Talk to the people who come to your door, learn who they are. Pass out candy with a smile, so the world can see we Christians don't think ourselves too good for this simple and fun tradition. When we thumb our noses at what the rest of the world does, we make enemies instead of friends.

I have found that with a few common-sense boundaries, our children can experience the this event safely. In my house there are no bloody or gory costumes. My children don't trick-or-treat unaccompanied. We check their candy.

We also gather with friends in the neighborhood, we often eat together and share food with our friends and neighbors. We talk with people in our community we might not yet know.

Instead of trying to take this holiday out of the world, we simply use our heads, for God gave us brains, and continue to be in the world.

Our pagan friends will celebrate Samhain this night; we will be celebrating food, community, and in the end, Love.



Please visit my fellow synchrobloggers. I will update post links as they become available.

Phil Wyman - The Christians and the Pagans Meet for Samhain
Lainie Petersen - Our Own Private Zombie: Death and the Spirit of Fear
Julie Clawson - Trappings of a World in Which we Do Not Believe
John Morehead - Rethinking Evangelical Postures on Halloween
Sonja Andrews - Vampire Protection
Adam Gonnereman - What's So Bad About Halloween?
Reba Baskett - Halloween....why all the madness?
Steve Hayes - Halloween Synchroblog
KW Leslie - The Christian Harvest Festival
John Smulo - Hallmark Halloween
Mike Bursell - Hallowe'en
Sam Norton - Do Not Be Afraid
Steve Hollinghurst - Removing Christendom from Halloween
David Fisher - Vampires or Leeches
Sally Coleman - Encountering hallow-tide Creatively
Kay - Halloween: Four Perspectives
Johnny Beloved - Apples and Razorblades
Alan Knox - Fall Festivals and Scary Masks
Dan Allen - Why Christians don't like Zombies
Paul Walker - Peering Through the Negatives of Mission
Sea Raven - The Season of Samhain
Lew A - Halloween: My experiences
Timothy Victor - Appropriating Halloween and Creating Liminal Times
Nic Paton - Making Space for Halloween

A few additions:

Barb - The Heart of a Child
Bryan Riley - Bloated Body Parts

WWJDWTC: Week 1

Well my first week of the WWJDWTC challenge was a complete bust. I have hardly felt well enough (see my previous post) until today to even think about it, much less take any action...and I'm truly hoping I can get on the ball this week...

But in the mean time, many of the participants have posted updates to this synchroblog...so please visit them and see what they have going on. Their name is linked to their original post and I've included links to any updates they have posted.

All you lovely wonderful people who are taking part: if you haven't already, would you mind going back to your initial WWJDWTC post (the one everyone has linked to) and add links to any/all of your updates....that would be REALLY COOL!! Thanks. If I've missed links to any of your updates, please let me know.

Glenn Hager
Update 1
Update 2

Gary Means
Update 1

Alan Knox
Update 1

The Refuge

Nate Peres

Sally Coleman

Barb
Update 1
Update 2
Update 3

Rick Stillwell
Update 1

Jeff Greathouse
Update 1
Update 2

Dan
Update 1

Barbara Legere

Jonathan Brink
Update 1

Jason Ellis

Rainer
Update 1

Cynthia Clack

Sometimes...

...it's nice that we are only a virtual community and not a real-life, or as my friend Cindy says, "skin friends"...because it means you haven't been exposed (at least not by me) to this nastiness we have.

We have pertussis, a.k.a. whooping cough.

Bad news: Apparently, although they vaccinate children against it, our immunity wears off about 12 years following our last vaccination against it, i.e. around age 22 for most of us.

Good news: I made my husband go with me to the Dr. because even though he just started having symptoms, I figured he has whatever I have. Now we are both on antibiotics and are going to be on the mend.

Even more good news: Since they vaccinate children against it, our kids won't get it.

Pertussis is initially characterized by common cold-like symptoms. These symptoms will last a couple of days, like a typical cold. It's even typical to feel like you are getting well after a few days - this being why I didn't go to the Dr...I felt somewhat better on Thursday and most of Friday - I thought I was on the mend, then Friday night it hit me like a truck again. At that point, the symptoms change and it settles in the lungs, seeming very much like bronchitis, and can lead to pneumonia if not treated.

It's extremely interesting to me that I went to the gym for the first time on Monday and Thursday week before last, and on Sunday I got sick. 2-4 day incubation period. Hm. My Dr.'s advice, that I want to pass along: don't go to the gym unless you sanitize everything you come into contact with and DO NOT touch your face unless you have washed your hands thoroughly. I thought I did OK, but I know I wasn't diligent enough.

So now you know.

This is Ridiculous

This cold or flu or whatever the hell it is has seriously kicked my butt this week. It's been almost a full week and I feel as bad or worse than ever.

I have been really trying to avoid going to the Dr. with this, because I haven't met any of my deductible this year...we have a per-person deductible so the thousands we have spent (and are still spending) on Randy's injury back in March (long story) doesn't count towards me...if I go to the Dr. it comes out of our checkbook.

But it looks like I won't be able to avoid it. I'm pretty sure I have bronchitis or pneumonia. I've had both.....as well as a darned near fatal bout of pneumonia almost 3 years ago...so every cold I get settles in my lungs.

I've spent the better part of this week in bed with my laptop...but that is out today as my laptop is with my brother getting an upgrade.

Please forgive my absence from the blogs, including this one, until I am feeling better. I'll keep you posted.

Topoff4, Cold and Prayer

For anyone who might want to know, today saw the beginning of the4-day Topoff 4 terrorism drill here in Portland...it's my understanding that today at PIR they have simulated a radioactive "dirty" bomb going off on the North Portland Max line, then triaged and treated "patients" at OHSU. You can read more about the exercises at KATU, KGW, KOIN or KPTV. I believe there are several other exercises planned over the next few days.

I think a drill such as this, while certainly having it's limitations, is smart and productive. It trains emergency crews and hospitals to deal with large numbers of injured people, and helps emergency services and local government improve the ways they communicate in a crisis. There are some naysayers, with the arguments that in these drills even the media involvement is simulated...that local media crews are not allowed to participate in the drill. This fails to acknowledge the vital role the local media plays in such an event, and fails to train the media to cope and communicate in such an emergency, making them a weak link. Nonetheless, I don't think this factor renders the drill useless, simply incomplete.

The last several days have found me down with a cold. My online time and blogging/blog reading has been limited mostly to what I have to do...answering comments here. This would explain my absence at all the WWJDWTC posts...I have read some of them, but am unable to try to pull together enough coherant thoughts to comment on most of them. I will get to that as soon as I am able. Needless to say, the posts are beautiful and meaningful and I am completely appreciative of all the participants. A few have already posted follow-up posts to this 30-day experiment.

I also want to pose a question to you all in preparation for a post I'm going to be writing soon:

If someone who is clearly of another faith offered to pray for you, how would you respond? Are all prayers the same regardless of what deity those prayers are offered up to? Would you ever tell someone NOT to pray for you if you knew they would be praying to a god other than yours?

WWJDWTC?

This is my post for the What Would Jesus Do With the Church synchroblog. For more information, see this post HERE. The concept is simple: decide on something you want to change in the church, and then take action on that change for 30 days. And write about it.

--------------------

I have struggled with this post, for it puts me in a huge discomfort zone. But first, a disclaimer. Every journey is different, and because of this, I want to emphasize that my post here is simply a stage in my journey. In no way whatsoever am I suggesting that this is a place other people should be arriving at, as well. Your journey is your own. Likewise, if you are a church-leaver like I, please don't feel abandoned by me...this is all baby steps, in due time.

Church is still a horrifying place for me. A place full of standards I cannot live up to, people who will judge me, or if they don't judge me, they will betray me. However, in recent months there has been an aching in me to move. It's as though I have been standing still for so long that I have developed overwhelming muscle cramps, and I must stretch now or fall.

There are many ways I need to stretch, but the one way I need to act is simple.

I need to go to church.

For some of you this may sound like a cop-out, for others, you might wonder how this action relates to the goal of this Synchroblog. However, any of you who know me know how huge this is; and my goal in this action is not to change the church by blessing it with my presence, and it's not about attendance at the institution.

Rather, this is about Jesus wanting to love on people and change lives. I have long ago abandoned the idea that Jesus' primary concern is salvation...His primary concern is sharing a Love which Transforms. For nearly three years, I have been participating in that mission in a variety of unchurch ways...but now I feel He wants me to participate in His mission in this way; not replacing the other ways, but in addition to them.

I don't know what the result will be, I don't know how long this will last or how I will feel...I am very uneasy about it on a human level, and very much at peace with it on a spiritual level. For the record, I do not intend to go to my previous church. I will share more about where I'm going once I've actually been there. To some of you, the answer to that will be obvious. It is, to be sure, No Ordinary Church.

I cannot explain what has brought me to this place. Maybe it is a feeling that I have moved beyond self-preservation and self-protection into selfish....where my healing has come so far that I no longer need to be solitary except out of fear...I fear the scab is not healthy enough to protect me from more pain. However, there is a sense of peace with the risk involved.

Almost three years ago, I spun a cocoon...a place to safely hide while God changed me from something creepy-crawly to something with wings. Months ago, I felt this chrysalis begin to crack open and the winds of change blow on me. For weeks, my wings have been drying in the sun, and now I fell a call into the wild, to spread my wings and try to fly. Somehow, I no longer feel this flight path to be a box or a prison...it feels more like an updraft.

So for a month, 30 days, I will release the fear of falling, stretch out my wings and try to fly.

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Update 1: My Week 1 Post
Update 2: My Week 2 Post
Update 3: My Week 4 Post

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WWJDWTC Participants:

Glenn Hager
Gary Means
Alan Knox
The Refuge
Nate Peres
Sally Coleman
Barb
Rick Stillwell
Jeff Greathouse
Dan
Barbara Legere
Jonathan Brink
Jason Ellis
Rainer
Cynthia Clack

If you are participating in this event but are not listed here, please leave the link to your post in the comments and I'll add you to the list. I'll also be updating the listed blog-links with post-links as they become available.

Now Hiring: Time Machine Crew

I came across this ad on Portland Craigslist today...I edited some of it out simply because it was quite long, but I published it in its entirety to Docs and you can view it here. A quick search revealed a similar post on several other Craigslist sites.

Need a crew for time travel

I'm looking for a crew of about 200 people to man a time machine which I have recently completed building.

Pay will vary depending on the mission and the duties performed. Our first trip will take us to Washington DC, January 07, 1944. Upon our return to the present, I will present a check for at least $15,000 for your services.

I am looking for adventurous, reliable, physically healthy individuals who can withstand the physical stress of time travel. A criminal background check will be performed before your inception into the crew. Those who have ever been convicted of a felony, exhibit overt racist and sexist attitudes, abuse drugs or alcohol, or cannot commit at least 6 weeks to this project need not apply.

I have a three obvious questions:

• Why do I need to commit 6 weeks? Couldn't you just return me to the time I started?
• Why are you posting on Craigslist...was NASA short on Chrononauts?
• Why can't you just go into the future, see who takes you up on this ad, contact them directly and skip the middleman?

All kidding aside...is there anyone who hasn't fantasized about going back in time? Maybe to meet a famous person, maybe to win the lottery, maybe to change your life?

As I was thinking about my last post, the 10-20-30 years ago one, I remembered some things that I wish hadn't happened in my life, or wished had happened differently.

We've all seen Back to the Future...we all know that it is believed even the smallest change at any point in your past would likely result in a drastically different present-day life.

But just for fun: What is at least one thing in your past that you would love to change?

I'll start: I wish I had finished college.

Your turn.

10-20-30

Sonja tagged me for the 10-20-30 Virus. I'm supposed to tell you about my life 10, 20, and 30, years ago. Do I have to tell you how old I was in each year? 'Cause I'm not gonna.

1997: We had been married 6 years and were the proud parents of an 18-month old son. We were living in our first home, a 900 sq.ft. bungalow here in Portland. The thing we loved about this little house was the size of the yard; we had room for a nice garden and grew all kinds of yummy stuff right in our own backyard. I remember this being an excruciatingly lonely time...I was barely social and had few friends. I was going to the aerobics class my mom taught, but there wasn't anyone there my age...oh, I was babysitting a little 6-month old boy almost full time, too, which was great preparation for being a mom of two a few years later, and great fun for both the boys.

1987: I was in high school, here in Portland. The summer of this year I traveled across the country with my best friend and her family...we drove all the way from Oregon to Iowa and back, seeing all kinds of cool stuff, including a stay at Yellowstone...I could tell you all the places we visited but it would take all day - we crossed Idaho, Wyoming, South Dakota, Iowa, Nebraska, Colorado, Utah and Nevada. This trip is deeply embedded in me, I still think of it often because of what I learned and experienced along the way. If I count correctly, I have now set foot in 22 US states.

1977: This one is harder, my memory is foggier. I was in elementary school, living here in Portland. I think this was the year my sister and I started ice skating lessons...I was going to be the next Dorothy Hamill; I even had my hair styled like hers. Needless to say, my athletic prowess turned out to be next-to-nil. I think this also was the year that a boy tried to kiss me in the girls bathroom at school. I had a huge crush on him, but I think he still got in big trouble for it. I do remember going to see Star Wars this year and being completely wowed by it. A boy in my class used to tell everyone he had seen it 19 times in the theater and we were all so jealous. And we might have got cable TV this year...we were the first people we knew who had it.

..................................

2007: I'm still in Portland, married almost 16 years, mom of two amazing boys.

I think I'm supposed to tag some people...I'm not going to take the time right now to check, so if you've already been tagged, consider my tag to be redundant.

Pam, Gary, Heather, Glenn, and, lessee...who haven't I tagged in awhile...Helen and Rhonda.

Even if I didn't tag you, you are welcome to play, just let me know in the comments so I can link to you.

UnChristian

As mentioned previously, I was tagged by my friends Sonja and Rachel for a meme started by Will Hinton and inspired by the book UnChristian. Like many people, I have not read the book, but I'm going to chime in anyhow.

The idea is to "write four things about Christians: three negative perceptions and one thing that Christians should be known for."

1. Christians are the morality police. Yes, much of modern Christianity, at least in the U.S., has worked hard at achieving a high level of pull in political spheres, in order to legislate morality. But many of us are not so concerned with an individual's behavior as we are living a life of love towards everyone, helping people encounter Jesus through us.

2. Christians are only concerned with getting people into heaven, a.k.a. "saved". Again, true of many but not all. Many of us are more concerned with making people's lives better here on earth.

3. Christians don't care about the environment because we don't plan to be here long. I am guilty of this p.o.v. for much of my life...I'm glad to say this has changed in recent years. My efforts have been smaller than I would like, but always improving...and I am always encouraged by the voices in Christianity who are consistently leading us into new ways to care for the earth.

And the positive:

Love. I do think we generally love more than we let on...I think many more of us want to love others unconditionally, but are trapped in environments where it is not socially or religiously acceptable to love everyone regardless of religion, race, gender, or many other factors. Love is the essence of God, and I don't believe if a person has truly met that Love they can avoid Loving no matter how they try.


Now, I believe I'm supposed to tag a few people...

How about Che, Barbara, Gary and Cindy.

Goings On

Congratulations to Mike on the new arrival in their family!

The Charis-missional edition of PDL is now up..."People who would have previously been identified as Charismatic are a large part of the overall emerging/missional conversation, and while definitely post-charismatic in the cultural-praxis sense, there is still the underlying question of how things like spiritual gifts (particularly gifts of prophecy, healing, etc.) will fit into the emerging/missional conversation." Read there what Grace, Maynard, The Why Man and Robbymac have to say on the subject.

I was tagged by Sonja and Rachel for the "UnChristian" meme that Will Hinton started. I will be getting to that posthaste...just haven't had a ton of time to write the last few days.

Pam has returned from her adventures in Asia...read some about it here.

For anyone who might be attending Off-the-Map Live in Seattle next month, Benjamin Ady of OTM's Justice and Compassion blog is organizing a Blogger's Dinner for Friday night of the conference. As of now they are looking for a head-count before they select a venue. Read about it here. I'll see you there!

What Would Jesus Do...With The Church? Synchroblog

Traditional
Contemporary
Emerging
Missional
Orthodox
Denominational
Evangelical
Liberal
Conservative
Fundamental,
Progressive
House
Pub...

Phooey!

What if we gave the church back to Jesus...asked Him what He would like to do with it…and then DID it?

You are invited to join Glenn Hager and myself in a fresh look at church. We hope this event will move us beyond some of the squabbles, territorialism, and paralysis which have consumed so much of our time and energy in the church. More importantly, we hope this event shakes a few things up and some divinely inspired dreams find their way into reality.

In this synchroblog, not only do we ask you to address what you believe Jesus would do with the church; we also ask you to examine the implications for your own life and ACT on it. It is easy to sit at our computers and rail against the church; it is much more challenging to assume personal responsibility for change.

Therefore, we would invite to this synchroblog anyone who is willing to put "shoe leather" to a complaint, correction or change you would like to see for the church, whatever your interpretation of 'church' happens to be. It doesn't have to be huge…simply anything you're willing to commit to for a period of 30 days.

Please write an initial post for October 15th. Then, post periodically over the following 30 days (October 15-November 15) with any additional thoughts and reports on your progress.

It will be helpful if you entitle your original post so as to give readers a sense of your direction at a glance. Then, simply add your link in the comments of this post, so we can compile a master list of participants.

We realize this is a significant challenge, and if you feel unable to commit at this time, we understand. However, we feel God's hand in this and encourage you, if you feel led, to participate and see how your life, and the lives of others, might change.

May God's hand be on this venture as you write.

Week 1
Week 2
Week 3/4

Countdown!

I have committed to participating in NaNoWriMo again this year.

What's that, you say?

National Novel Writing Month, of course! That's November!

Do you think you can write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days? I think you can!

Last year I even started 4 days late due to my trip to Off-the-Map and I still finished with over 52, 000 words.

All you do is sign up and then write a 50K novel between November 1st-30th. Periodically upload your novel for a word count. If you make it, you get a really cool banner to post on your blog or website. That's all there is to it. No prizes, no publishing, nothing other than a personal challenge, but I had so much fun doing it.

If you have an inking, I urge you to try it. It averages writing about 1677 words per day, but don't most of us blogger average that anyhow?

Think about it.

Freaky, Convenient, or The AntiChrist

Today, Google rolled out Street View for 6 more cities: Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Phoenix, Tucson, and, drumroll please...Portland, Oregon...brining the total number of cities covered to 15.

I spent some time playing with it today. Our house isn't pictured (Is that good or bad?), because our street seems to have been arbitrarily missed.

But my parents home, the home where I grew up, is pictured and it truly freaked me out. Until now, Google's aerial views were generally useful and not privacy-invading. Today, things have changed. You can almost see in the windows of my parents' home...I'm not sure I'm OK with that. If our home were pictured, I think I would seriously consider having our address unlisted and going back to blogging under a pseudonym. I don't want strangers all over the world to see my home. That's, that's just dirty. I can't help but wonder if street view should only be for businesses (ever been driving around, looking at addresses, and simply NOT been able to find that Donut Hut?) and not private residences.

If you're interested in the technology behind Street View, here's an article about the Who and the How.

Here's an article from the NYT interviewing Google Maps Project Manager Stephen Chau about Street View.

I think essentially it's something most of us don't have a problem with until a photo of our bedroom shows up on the net unannounced. At what point does Google become a problem? I've asked that question before.

Went to the Gym today.

First time in 15 years.

Yeah. Ugh.

Happy Thanksgiving!

To all my Canadian friends!

May all your harvests be bountiful and all your autumns be many-hued!

Contrast

What the heck is up with the weather? Today marked both the Portland Marathon and the Chicago marathon.

In Portland, thousands of runners turned out, in spite of drizzle and unseasonably cold temperatures hovering near 50 degrees for much of the race.

In Chicago, the course was shut down after four hours, due to record temperatures in the high 80's. Hundreds are hospitalized with heat-related illness.

Crazy.

The Mom Song

I might be really late to this, but today Paul posted this video and I simply have to pass it on. It's Anita Renfroe and her Mom Song (to the tune of the William Tell Overture). I also dug up the words so you can follow along.



"What I have done is I have figured out what a mom would say in a 24 hour period, and I have condensed it to 2 minutes, 55 seconds. So strap on your seat belt, here we go.

Get up now, get up now, get up out of bed
Wash your face, brush your teeth, comb your sleepy head
Here's your clothes and your shoes, hear the words I said
Get up now! Get up and make your bed.
Are you hot? Are you cold? Are you wearing that?
Where's your books and your lunch and your homework at?
Grab your coat and your gloves and your scarf and hat
Don't forget! You got to feed the cat.

Eat your breakfast! The experts tell us it's the most important meal of all
Take your vitamins so you will grow up one day to be big and tall.
Please remember the orthodontist will be seeing you at three today.
Don't forget your piano lesson is this afternoon, so you must play.

Don't shovel, chew slowly, but hurry, the bus is here.
Be careful, come back here, did you wash behind your ears?
Play outside, don't play rough, would you just play fair?
Be polite, make a friend, don't forget to share
Work it out, wait your turn, never take a dare
Get along, don't make me come down there
Clean your room, fold your clothes, put your stuff away
Make your bed, do it now, do we have all day?
Were you born in a barn?, would you like some hay
Can you even hear a word I say?

Answer the phone! Get Off the phone!
Don't sit so close! Turn it down! No texting at the table!
No more computer time tonight!
Your iPod's my iPod if you don't listen up!

Where you going and with whom and what time do you think you're coming home?
Saying thank you, please, excuse me, makes you welcome everywhere you roam.
You'll appreciate my wisdom someday when you're older and you're grown.
Can't wait 'til you have a couple little children of your own

You'll thank me for the counsel I gave you so willingly
But right now I thank you NOT to roll your eyes at me.

Close your mouth when you chew, would appreciate
Take a bite, maybe two of the stuff you hate
Use your fork, do not you burp, or I'll set you straight
Eat the food I put upon your plate
Get an A, Get the door, don't get smart with me
Get a Grip, get in here I'll count to 3
Get a job, get a life, get a PhD
Get a dose of reality

I don't care who started it! You're grounded until your 36!
Get your story straight, and tell the truth for once for heaven's sake!
And if all your friends jumped off a cliff would you jump too?
If I've said it once, I've said at least a thousand times before that:
You're too old to act this way! It must be your father's DNA!
Look at me when I am talking. Stand up straighter when you walk.
A place for everything, and everything must be in place.
Stop crying or I'll give you something real to cry about! Oh!

Brush your teeth, wash your face, get your PJs on.
Get in bed, get a hug, say a prayer with Mom.
Don't forget
I love you
**KISS**
And tomorrow we will do this all again because a mom's work never ends!
You don't need the reason why!
Because! Because! Because! Because!
I said so! I said so! I said so! I said so!
I'm the Mom! The mom! The mom! The mom! The mom!

Ta-da!"

Comment of the Day

A new feature here at Decompressing Faith: from time to time when I read a particularly humorous, interesting or strange comment somewhere else on the net, I will highlight it here.

Today's Featured Post comes from The Consumerist, where they are considering the cost-benefit analysis of buying a cheeseburger at McDonald's vs. making one at home:

Trent at the Simple Dollar makes a good case for why you should just make yourself a cheeseburger. He went to McDonald's, bought a cheeseburger and then tried to replicate it at home for the same amount of money. (He used real tomato instead of ketchup, however.) The burger Trent assembled cost $1.83, while the McDonald's double cheeseburger was $1.06, but he still thinks he got a pretty good deal.

Comment of the Day comes from ONCEWASCOOL:

This is NOT comparing apples to apples. McDonald's beef comes from LORD KNOWS WHERE, frozen, then shipped over. Somewhere in the process they add sugar to keep it from tasting like hammered butt.

Ah, YUM! Think about that next time you crave a BigMac.

Winter

Yes, it's time for my annual SAD (seasonal affective disorder) public service announcement. It's much earlier than last year, but I have no control over that. ;-)

SAD is no joke. For those of you who live south of 40 degrees northern latitude, you might not ever have heard of SAD, but it's for real, and the farther north you go, the worse and more frequent it becomes (it also occurs in the southern hemisphere, south of 40). If you have ever wondered why there are more suicides in the northern hemisphere around the winter holidays (Christmas, New Years) it is because that is the darkest time of year in the north and people are most prone to depression and despair.

SAD is caused by an upset to our circadian rhythms...in other words, the human body is designed to adapt to fluctuating sleeping/waking cycles with the seasons, but in present culture, we attempt to force ourselves into a year-round regulated sleeping/waking schedule. For some people, their bodies do not adapt well to waking when it's still dark outside or remaining awake after it is no longer light outside.

The reason why it only seems to affect people in certain latitudes has to do with the number of quality daylight hours a location receives, and the fluctuation of those hours between summer and winter. In the northern hemisphere, for instance Portland, at the summer solstice, we have daylight from 5 AM until well after 9 PM, in the dead of winter we only have good light from about 8 AM until 4 PM. That's an 8 hour transition in daylight hours over the course of 6 months. For some people, this is quite a problem...their bodies naturally want to sleep during the dark hours, year round. Well, of course, most of us don't have the luxury of adjusting our sleep schedule to the fluctuation of non-daylight hours, so in the winter months, our bodies think they are not getting enough sleep, and when we don't get enough sleep, depression ensues.

There are other factors, as well, which are too complex for this blog post. In this post, every time you see the word SAD as a link, it is a link to a different informational resource.

If you have SAD, the available treatments are limited. Antidepressant medication, exercise, and full-spectrum (or blue) light therapy, or some combination of these. The treatment or combination of treatments which will help ease the symptoms vary from person to person, so it's important to experiment with different options to find what is right for you.

This transition is always a bumpy one for me...a lot of emotional turbulence and the intense desire to hibernate. All I want to do is camp out all day, curled up in a chair, watching TV, reading or writing. Drink coffee, eat chocolate, listen to depressing music and sometimes cry. And SLEEP. I have to force myself...or my friends have to force me...to get out of the house.

But today I was driving home from Costco, and the clouds broke just a little, and the sun came out and streamed all around. It was beautiful, and I praised God for it - I like to think He knew how badly I needed to see the sun. And it made me smile.

If you believe you or someone you love has S.A.D, please see your Doctor (or encourage them to see their Doctor) to discuss treatment options. It can begin at any point in life, so just because you have never had a problem with it before doesn't mean you never will. If you live above 40 north or below 40 south, keep an eye on the people you love for signs of depression this time of year which cannot be attributed to other causes...it could be SAD. If you aren't certain of your latitude, you can find a resource here that will help you determine it.

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Now playing: Loreena McKennitt - The Old Ways
via FoxyTunes

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Now playing: Inxs - The One Thing
via FoxyTunes

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Now playing: The Smiths - How Soon Is Now
via FoxyTunes

I Was an Addiction Whore

I would like to state here that I don't think the experiences I will be relating in the next weeks are special. They aren't any more interesting, important or traumatic than anyone else's, they just are what they are. This is simply an account of how my experiences molded me into a person who could be a party to the things that went on where I was at a few years ago.

So, let's back up a little. I have issues. For one, self-esteem has never come easily to me...I am far too introspective to be understood by 96% of the population, and this was far more pronounced in me as a child than it is now, because over the years I have learned how to function within it. Let me share this with you because it is the most precise portrait of myself as a child as I have. I know many of you will relate:

"As children, INFPs' deceptively easygoing natures may cause others to take them for granted. INFP children have a high need to please parents--and be stroked for it. Generally, they are tender and sensitive to the world around them, and like their INFP elders, often give in to others at the expense of their own needs. If such self-sacrifice is not appreciated or, even worse, is criticized, the child can become sullen, self-critical, often overpersonalizing each remark. The potential for martyrdom begins early; INFP children can spend a disproportionate amount of time daydreaming and preoccupied with inner thoughts. They are often good students and expend a lot of energy pleasing their teachers. They tend to do well in high school, and often excel in college. To please others, they may take courses they do not like--and even succeed in them. The potential for self-doubt and self-criticism, however, is always close to the surface. Even when told they have done a "good job," INFPs know the only true judge is themselves, and may punish themselves for work they consider less than perfect."

Not to put too much stock in personality profiles, but I this is me. Exactly.

Things got ugly for me as an adolescent because I didn't understand myself, I felt so different from everyone else. As a result, I had a poor self image, and my poor self image was deeply taken advantage of at ages 12-13. This is another long story, one that I will get to when and if it seems relevant. I was traumatized at that point in life, and have only recently began to come to terms with it, to realize that what happened back then does not define me. For the record, I was not sexually assaulted, I was emotionally assaulted. I couldn't cope with what was going on in my life, so I stuffed it. We all know what happens when we stuff our feelings...we become addictive. Well, first I tried to kill myself, then when that didn't work, I began overeating. Until I got to the point that I felt horrible for my weight.

So instead, I learned to drink when I was 16. By the time I was 19, it was pretty near daily. For awhile it became a real problem; it and all the ugly things that go along with it. It was my coping mechanism for the pain I had endured, and it made me less introspective and more "fun"...thus it remedied my self-esteem issues by making people like me. Yeah, you wonder what kind of people I was hanging with that 'liked' me because I drank. Uh, yeah.

At age 19, I met my husband and he was insistent that I quit drinking and I did. Right then. I remember it vividly, we had just begun dating and we were hanging out with friends. I was on maybe my 4th beer, but I dumped it out at his feet and didn't touch the stuff at all again for maybe 4 years, and after that, only in very very mild moderation (1-2 drinks per year), except for a recent period which I will begin to address shortly.

But at that point I had a problem...if I couldn't drink anymore, well, I had to whore myself out to something in order to survive emotionally. So I went back to eating...and added Christianizing to my addiction repertoire. You know my record at this point...jumping into bed with whatever addiction worked at that time. Well, these two worked very well in tandem for about 14 years.

About 10 years into this cycle, we got involved at our CLB. This was about 7 ye3ars ago now. At that point, I still had no idea how broken I was. For years, decades, I had tried to hide my brokenness behind one thing or another. My deep involvement in the church began to bring all my struggles to the surface, as church will often do.

After about 4 years at our CLB (about 3 years ago), things went bad for me, God said it was time to "deal", and I went into total shock, because at the time I had fooled myself into thinking I had already "dealt" with most of my major issues.

Not.

Instead, there was this sudden onslaught of emotions over a period of, oh, 3 months or so, starting just about 3 years ago now. All at once I had to cope with mountains of shit I had been suppressing for what seemed like eternity. Fortunately, as I have heard Graham Cooke say, "Shit makes things grow."

But in the mean time, that old dark coping mechanism which had been lurking in the shadows all these years reared it's ugly head...and rather unexpectedly and violently, the bottle became my friend again...except this time it wasn't just beer. And I guess I had a meltdown.

Ok I'm drained. That's all for tonight. Feel free to ask me to clarify, as this is really emotional for me when I write it, and I might not be explaining things well.

What I Read Today

Brother Maynard on The Loss of Wonder parts 1 and 2.

ASBO Jesus # 118 on leadership and vision.

Ever wanted to live in a mall? This guy did, except he wasn't invited. Read more here.

At LarkNews, where Christian satire rules: "Emergent leaders call for ‘missional re-understanding of Jesus-followership and Christ-focus imbued with passionate creativity and emotional authenticity,’ whatever that means"

Naked Neighbor News: There is a man in a local neighborhood who considers himself to be a naturist. He spends time in his yard in the nude, in full view of his neighbors, some of whom have children. The neighbors asked him to put up a hedge. He said "You don't like it? Put one up yourself". So the neighbors took it to the city council. The local authorities acted by banning nudity not only in public places but in view of public places.

Not really news, you say?

Here's the punchline. His excuse? "To me it's like playing Adam. I worship God and his creation and he gave us bodies to interface with his creation." Pretty darned creative, if you ask me. "Interface with creation"...? Please don't elaborate on that, thank you very much.

Oh, and one more thing. If anyone ever gives you a thumbdrive (or other portable media), check the contents of it before you use it for a presentation.

Third time is a charm?

This is my third try at writing something about my roller-coaster tale...maybe I'll be happy with it this time? I don't suppose I'm going to be terribly articulate while getting through all this, because there is so much emotion wrapped up in it. Feel free to ask me to clarify anything.

My life has been wrapped up in church for most of my thirty something years. I've been through several denominations, from cessationist (my husband's background) to charismatic (my background). There were a few years as a teen when I was really heavily involved in church, but for the most part I have been a good and dutiful pew warmer. That was until 2000...when everything changed.

In June of 2000, we had just lost our business through no fault of our own. Things were falling down all around us and we had two little kids. We were going to a church which was 45 minutes away (MY church), and this wasn't working well with the kids. We wanted somewhere we could really be "involved", so in the midst of this turmoil in our lives, we sought out a church closer to home, and in a few weeks had found it.

I guess I could say here that church shopping when you're in crisis is like grocery-shopping when you're hungry; you simply cannot determine what you really need.

We visited several churches...but I had my heart set on sticking with my charismatic denomination. In the past, we had attended my husband's family church (when I say family I mean family...his grandfather planted it and his uncle is the Pastor) for a few years, but charismatics weren't welcome there and I always felt looked on with suspicion. We thought about going back there, but, no, I needed to be with people "like me".

We visited a charismatic megachurch not too far from our house, I told my husband it 'felt like home'. Well, it did, kind of. We went, we got involved almost immediately. Not a good idea for someone as wounded as I was...but I didn't know that at the time. I did know something about it wasn't right from the get-go. Not that it was a bad place, but early on it gave me the heebie-jeebies because of what it did to me, how it changed me...it made me want to be LIKED, accepted, respected...I hated that feeling, it scared me. That feeling had gotten me into so much trouble in the past. I don't know why this place did that to me...and maybe that would have been true anywhere, who knows. Maybe I needed to face my demons, of which there were many, and this striving to be liked was the biggest and ugliest. I thought I could manage this demon alone, and that was my biggest mistake.

But at the time I thought "This is church...how much trouble could I really get into by wanting to be "liked"?

Uh, yeah. Don't answer that.

So in a matter of a few weeks, we were implanted. Deeply. We even transferred our membership. That's where the events of the last 7+ years began.

[OK I have to quit editing this and just post it. Forgive me for any typos, I'm tired.]

People of the Love

I wrote this for the TLIO blog, but felt inclined to post it here, since you my people are here, too.


As the day fades, I contemplate
the feeling of together I have found here.
No longer struggling to walk alone.
Maybe your hand will help me stand again,
maybe my shoulder will dry your eyes.
A friend I found, an arm to lean on
a heart of understanding and encouragement.
Once I felt as a stranger in a land which was not my home
a place where I followed strange rules meant to exclude.
Then one day I looked out a window, set foot out a door, mesmerized.
I saw another world existing outside the walls,
out among the people.
At first I was alone, then one stepped up, and two and more...
Now we stand side by side to face this future,
seeking a Place of Love long lost in history,
taking steps to move forward and beyond, embracing the other.
Some days that which we left behind will be hard to bear,
other days we will rejoice.
There is a Love here among us
in the winds that blow and embers that glow
and where the Spirit resides,
in us, rather than in a rulebook...
What I lost was so great, and yet
because I lost a place
I found my people.



(If you feel inclined to comment, I'd appreciate it if you would do so at TLIO. It's a good excuse to get you all to visit over there and read some of the other amazing writing.)