Calling all Innies

What I have learned applies to my life today...

I try to avoid posting more than once per day...this is my third today. It seems I have a lot to say.

Today at The Bridge, the message was about grace....my favorite subject in the whole wide world (aside form 80's music). I think there can never be enough of it and we never are good enough at it so we have to keep practicing. I think grace can never go too far (there is a difference between having healthy boundaries and limiting grace). I love grace because it is what has kept me following Jesus all these years, when no amount of rules, legalism or manipulation could keep me in the fold. Because I know I need so much grace from other people, I cannot live without giving it to others, as well. One thing I do know is sometimes it's hardest to extend grace to ourselves.

I am definitely not the person you want if you are trying to change or fix someone...I am no good at it. But if someone needs love and listening, I'm your gal.

I have been the recipient of much grace these last three years since I left church. My husband, first and foremost, who has never pushed me to return to church, who has understood my reasons for leaving and supported me. Several of my friends from "before" have stuck with me and listened to me whine and held my hand while I grieved the things I lost when I left. It has been a long road, a difficult one. I have come so far and learned so much.

About a month ago, something shifted in my spirit. I have written about it before, suffice to say I suddenly felt the desire to be a part of a local family again. It was a slow shift taking place over probably a year or more, but it culminated in the idea that I would challenge myself to go to church for a month. That's all. Baby steps.

And I have followed through, at least as much as I've been able. I intend to follow through some more in the coming weeks and months. A little at a time. Baby steps. So many things in me have healed and grown and changed. I feel so much healthier. Church feels different.

There is one thing that I have always struggled with, and I need to ask advice from all you Class A introverts who hang around here.

It is something that seems logical but it's something I have never made the connection on. I guess in recent months I have become so much more in touch with my inner introvert, but for whatever reason, I have just now realized this. Church sucks. Not because it "sucks" as in "it's bad", but because it sucks my introvert dry, like a social vacuum on my soul. After church today, I got home and promptly fell asleep for 2 hours. I was worn out. I have had plenty of sleep lately...it was simply the act of going to a new church and being social.

And I realize it is a great deal of the reason it has taken me sooooo long to be ready to take this step.

It's not that I'm shy...please know I love meeting these people and I feel fine about it. I love people when I get to know them. It's getting past that hurdle that I really struggle with. Eventually, as I know people and have friends, I will draw energy from them and I will thrive.

I had to extend grace to myself today (and hopefully others extended it to me) and give myself permission to leave when I needed to, when the service was over.

I just need to ask my fellow innies...how do you cope with this kind of drain on your emotional energy and not come to dread it? How do you protect your innie (by not hanging around and being social after church, for instance) and not seem like you're being rude?

Any thoughts?





P.S. I don't want to write another post tonight, but I have a request: if you would be willing to take a quick moment and shoot up a word for me, I would appreciate it...my stress level has escalated this week (completely unrelated to the subject of this post or my going to church) and it's taking a sudden physical and emotional toll on me. Thank you. Love you all.