I Was an Addiction Whore

I would like to state here that I don't think the experiences I will be relating in the next weeks are special. They aren't any more interesting, important or traumatic than anyone else's, they just are what they are. This is simply an account of how my experiences molded me into a person who could be a party to the things that went on where I was at a few years ago.

So, let's back up a little. I have issues. For one, self-esteem has never come easily to me...I am far too introspective to be understood by 96% of the population, and this was far more pronounced in me as a child than it is now, because over the years I have learned how to function within it. Let me share this with you because it is the most precise portrait of myself as a child as I have. I know many of you will relate:

"As children, INFPs' deceptively easygoing natures may cause others to take them for granted. INFP children have a high need to please parents--and be stroked for it. Generally, they are tender and sensitive to the world around them, and like their INFP elders, often give in to others at the expense of their own needs. If such self-sacrifice is not appreciated or, even worse, is criticized, the child can become sullen, self-critical, often overpersonalizing each remark. The potential for martyrdom begins early; INFP children can spend a disproportionate amount of time daydreaming and preoccupied with inner thoughts. They are often good students and expend a lot of energy pleasing their teachers. They tend to do well in high school, and often excel in college. To please others, they may take courses they do not like--and even succeed in them. The potential for self-doubt and self-criticism, however, is always close to the surface. Even when told they have done a "good job," INFPs know the only true judge is themselves, and may punish themselves for work they consider less than perfect."

Not to put too much stock in personality profiles, but I this is me. Exactly.

Things got ugly for me as an adolescent because I didn't understand myself, I felt so different from everyone else. As a result, I had a poor self image, and my poor self image was deeply taken advantage of at ages 12-13. This is another long story, one that I will get to when and if it seems relevant. I was traumatized at that point in life, and have only recently began to come to terms with it, to realize that what happened back then does not define me. For the record, I was not sexually assaulted, I was emotionally assaulted. I couldn't cope with what was going on in my life, so I stuffed it. We all know what happens when we stuff our feelings...we become addictive. Well, first I tried to kill myself, then when that didn't work, I began overeating. Until I got to the point that I felt horrible for my weight.

So instead, I learned to drink when I was 16. By the time I was 19, it was pretty near daily. For awhile it became a real problem; it and all the ugly things that go along with it. It was my coping mechanism for the pain I had endured, and it made me less introspective and more "fun"...thus it remedied my self-esteem issues by making people like me. Yeah, you wonder what kind of people I was hanging with that 'liked' me because I drank. Uh, yeah.

At age 19, I met my husband and he was insistent that I quit drinking and I did. Right then. I remember it vividly, we had just begun dating and we were hanging out with friends. I was on maybe my 4th beer, but I dumped it out at his feet and didn't touch the stuff at all again for maybe 4 years, and after that, only in very very mild moderation (1-2 drinks per year), except for a recent period which I will begin to address shortly.

But at that point I had a problem...if I couldn't drink anymore, well, I had to whore myself out to something in order to survive emotionally. So I went back to eating...and added Christianizing to my addiction repertoire. You know my record at this point...jumping into bed with whatever addiction worked at that time. Well, these two worked very well in tandem for about 14 years.

About 10 years into this cycle, we got involved at our CLB. This was about 7 ye3ars ago now. At that point, I still had no idea how broken I was. For years, decades, I had tried to hide my brokenness behind one thing or another. My deep involvement in the church began to bring all my struggles to the surface, as church will often do.

After about 4 years at our CLB (about 3 years ago), things went bad for me, God said it was time to "deal", and I went into total shock, because at the time I had fooled myself into thinking I had already "dealt" with most of my major issues.

Not.

Instead, there was this sudden onslaught of emotions over a period of, oh, 3 months or so, starting just about 3 years ago now. All at once I had to cope with mountains of shit I had been suppressing for what seemed like eternity. Fortunately, as I have heard Graham Cooke say, "Shit makes things grow."

But in the mean time, that old dark coping mechanism which had been lurking in the shadows all these years reared it's ugly head...and rather unexpectedly and violently, the bottle became my friend again...except this time it wasn't just beer. And I guess I had a meltdown.

Ok I'm drained. That's all for tonight. Feel free to ask me to clarify, as this is really emotional for me when I write it, and I might not be explaining things well.