2.23.2007

Dry Spell


Hi all. I realized I haven't posted anything original for almost 2 weeks. Sorry, I just haven't had much to say lately. Lots I've been pondering, but nothing has really gelled recently.

I'm processing through a range of emotions regarding church and what that means for me. I have been having strange dreams, none of which I seem to remember the details of, but I awake with spiritual questions and a feeling of deep reflection on where I've been and where I'm going. Over the last few weeks I have begun to gain a new sense of purpose, but I'm not really sure what it means. It's strange.

Some of you might have wondered about the new blog. Well...I was going through a phase of wanting to shed my decompressing skin - but I have been rethinking that step. To tell you the truth, this is one of those times where I am really wanting to do something and I'm just not feeling released in my spirit to go ahead with it. I'm not really sure why, but I have no sense of peace about it. We have covered all the technical issues and it's really pretty much ready other than uploading my header images. There's no logical reason not to go ahead with it. I just feel this inexplicable anxiety about it.

It very well could be a situation where I had what I thought was a great idea and I ran with it. I wasn't sure where God was on the subject, but I figured He's come around eventually. Isn't it funny how we treat God like a person? Like we can sell Him on some great idea if we just try hard enough? But I can't deny that God just doesn't seem to be onboard with it and He won't tell me why. Have you ever had that happen?

When we have an idea, in my experience there are three ways God could respond. Sometimes He says "Yes", sometimes He says "Wait", and sometimes He says "No". I'm just uncertain which it is this time.

I am hoping to come to some conclusion about it soon. If I don't move, I will be bringing this blog up under my domain name - so that will still happen. It's not at all an anxiety about using my name. It's more a sense that this is where I'm supposed to be. I can't really explain it.



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5 comments:

  1. well, ya gotta go with your gut feeling. there might be reasons that logic has no idea about. i think you are right to follow your instincts.

    great talking with you last night. you and i are so similar in our parenting. let's make it a goal to take our kids to the beach together this summer. deal?

    {hug}
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  2. I was going through a phase of wanting to shed my decompressing skin - but I have been rethinking that step.

    Sorry if I'm being dense but, do you mean, changing how your blog looks? Changing your blog title?

    I don't know if this will help but here are the internet 'phases' I've been through:

    1) Put up a website (this was before I knew about blogs, maybe before they were 'the thing' - in 1997) I could link to when I posted on discussion forums, so people who wanted to know about me could just follow the link instead of me having to write stuff about me in every new 'conversation' where people asked questions. My site had stuff about my mental health on because I was interacting on a mental health forum mostly. It had stuff on about my faith because, of course, as a Christian I was supposed to say something about that. By having it on my site I wasn't hiding it but I also wasn't shoving it in anyone's face on a mental health forum where people weren't necessarily Christians. I could also put photos of my kids to keep my extended family up to date, etc.

    2) I put up lots of stuff when I was ill - I wrote and wrote and wrote oh so many words. As I got better that was also when my faith was beginning to change so I put up some things questioning what I had believed - in particular, what I wrote about hell.

    3) I was well again. My doubts weren't going away but I was not ready to make any public change like leave church or talk about them. I took down all the too many words pages and anything controversial like what I wrote about hell.

    4) A few years later I finally quit church and had continued to be well. I erased just about everything off my site because it wasn't who I was anymore and now I didn't have to 'pretend' to be a Christian, because I had told my church I didn't want to be a member anymore and why. And I had quit any Bible studies I was in where I was saying 'the right thing' and feeling like a hypocrite because I literally was acting a part. To not act a part I would have had to say "I have no idea what I believe any more - there are lots of things that trouble me - I can't open the Bible anymore without running into them". So I left rather than saying things that would rock the boat where everyone else seemed to want a smooth ride.

    5) I started getting involved in Off The Map. My questions were validated far beyond my expectations and that gave me courage to fessed up online to people who knew me for a long time how much my thinking had changed. I decided to put back any pages I wrote when I was well - the Christian, the questioning, whatever - because they are all part of where I have been. Not the pages though...toooo embarrassing - they are so long-winded and don't make sense. Actually, there are one or two I wrote when I was somewhat ill but I was relatively coherent on those days.

    6) I turned it into a blog because I wanted a format that people are familiar with. I converted all my pages over to blog entries and backdated them to when I wrote them, as best I could remember (some dates are approximate).

    It still has the original, Christian title I gave it back in 1997 - "Love is the most excellent Way"

    It originally had Micah 6:8 on it as well, from this version as I recall (International Childrens') -

    "The Lord has told you what is good.
    He has told you what he wants from you:
    Do what is right to other people.
    Love being kind to others.
    And live humbly, trusting your God."

    I took that off a while ago because I felt having a Bible verse on my home page was more 'in your face' than I wanted to be. But I still think that verse is one of the best summaries in the Bible of what being a follower of Jesus is supposed to look like.

    Wow, this got a bit long...anyway I don't know if it helps but at least it shows all the twists and turns I've been through with my site (which to a large extent reflect those in my life).
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  3. i'll be right here whatever you decide to do, lily. :-)
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  4. Pam - Thanks for the wise words. And yes, I enjoyed our chat too. I look up to you, you're a smart mommy.

    Helen - I appreciate all you have said here. The short version is over the last several months I have been wanting to move on from this blog. I want to hook up with my real name as a domain, and rather than putting this blog there, I wanted to start fresh. Thing is, I am ashamed - no ashamed is too strong a word - I am irritated by some of the things I have said on this blog in the past - so I wanted to let it go, chalking it up to a stage I was going through.

    I also believed that if I started posting under my real name (Erin) that would be confusing for newcomers here.

    So I have spent the last two months or so building and working out the details of a new blog. But now that it's ready to launch, I don't have any peace with it. It's like God is smiling and saying "Did you get that out of your system? Good, now back to Decompressing Faith - that's where I want you." It's like everything I have been through, just like you said - is part of my journey and I have to own it.

    It's so funny how God can even move us around (or prevent us from moving around) in the virtual world.

    Cindy - Thanks so much. I appreciate you.
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  5. I understand and yes, you have to follow your instincts. Hug from me too.
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