6.30.2006
I'm sorry ...
... but if you ever owned a Nintendo 64, you have to see this video.
Restlessness and "stuff"
Sometimes I feel so confined by my life. I guess I get restless. Some days I think there is more to life than a house and cars and "stuff" and school and obligations - in a nutshell, shouldn't we be more preoccupied with God than we are with the American Dream?
I tend to feel as though my modern life shields me from God. My phone, computer, housework, books, stuff stuff stuff ... make me feel as though I can't really see God, just a filtered and distracted version of Him. Our income prevents us from relying on Him, my television prevents me from interacting with Him, my 2000 square foot house prevents me from having time to sit before Him.
Since my diagnosis, I have taken up jogging. This is a completely out of character thing for me, most people around me who've known me very long are shocked at my choice of fitness regimes. I never couuld run a lap around the track (1/4 mile) even in grade school or Jr high. I have just never had any natural stamina for such things and have never had interest in developing it. But hard times require hard measures, and strangeley enough I suddenly found within myself the urge to run. A lot. I have a nice treadmill I inheirited from a friend and I often find myself running to the distraction of The Walton's or Little House on the Prairie reruns.
But since I wasn't going to haul my treadmill with me on vacation, I instead found myself running in the forest near where we were staying.
So when I do the proverbial "getting away from it all" and have the opportunity to spend time with God in nature, it tends to make me even more saddened and disillusioned by my lifestyle. I can feel so lost from God, so lonely for Him ... and "oh Lord, I'll spend some quiet time with you just as soon as I start another load of laundry".
How do we live in the modern world and still succeed at being close with our Creator? I think the "Field Guide to Evangelicals" illustrated this for me in some ways - rather than rising above the need for "stuff", we evangelicals have all these ways we try to fit into the modern consumeristic lifestyle; with our Christian Music, our T-shirts with cute clean sayings on them, even our "Christian" romance novels ... I know the point of these things is to answer to the secular world with our own counterparts ...
but I wonder if the real answer lies not in answering secular with religious, but in realizing that it's our life that is the example, not the things we buy or wear.
What I'm saying is this, I guess:
We don't need our own "Christian" music, our own jewelry, our own clothing, our own entertainment (books, media) to protect us from the secular versions of these things. We fear our tendency to idolize the secular - the top rock bands, the brand name clothing, the films, the books, even the TV shows. So we clean up the secular, slap a fish or something on it and call it "good". But is it still idolizing fashion, music, etc, even if it has a "Christian" message"?
Maybe we need to realize that God wants us to rise above the world, not to counter with Christianized versions of the world. We are to live in the world that God has created - for both good and bad. We can listen to the secular music and still worship God just as much or more than if we listen to good Christian music.
I don't want to have to wear certain clothing or read certain books (the Bible aside) in order to prove to people I'm a Christian. I want my life to evidence that regardless of what I wear. If I wear a "WWJD" t-shirt and still drive like a homicidal maniac, how is that evidencing God to the world? But if I wear GAP or whatever, and still give up my seat on the bus to a pregnant woman because Jesus taught me to care for others, is that more successful in showing where my faith lies?
It's all in the attitude, I guess. I look for God and aim to evidence Him in all places and ways I am able. It doesn't matter what I wear or listen to or watch on tv.
It matters how others see God in me.
Maybe I need to learn to pay more attention to the life I lead than I do with the "stuff" that preoccupies me. Sometimes I just want to get rid of everything so I can be closer to God without all the distractions and conveniences of modern life.
But maybe it's not even the "stuff" that's getting in the way, but my attitude about the "stuff".
In any case I'm sure I seem quite strange for feeling that all my "stuff" prevents me from relating to God in the way and measure I so passionately desire. And that makes me feel frustrated and restless, like It's holding me back from the life He wants for me.
Because when I was away from all the stuff, all the distractions, running in the coastal forest, I felt God like I haven't in a really long time. It's like I only hear/see God with static and interference, but when I got out into nature the interference was suddenly gone. I want to feel that way more often.
I'm not yet sure how to overcome this feeling, so I am just penning it here in the hopes that I will begin to see this phenomenon more clearly.
TTFN.
I tend to feel as though my modern life shields me from God. My phone, computer, housework, books, stuff stuff stuff ... make me feel as though I can't really see God, just a filtered and distracted version of Him. Our income prevents us from relying on Him, my television prevents me from interacting with Him, my 2000 square foot house prevents me from having time to sit before Him.
Since my diagnosis, I have taken up jogging. This is a completely out of character thing for me, most people around me who've known me very long are shocked at my choice of fitness regimes. I never couuld run a lap around the track (1/4 mile) even in grade school or Jr high. I have just never had any natural stamina for such things and have never had interest in developing it. But hard times require hard measures, and strangeley enough I suddenly found within myself the urge to run. A lot. I have a nice treadmill I inheirited from a friend and I often find myself running to the distraction of The Walton's or Little House on the Prairie reruns.
But since I wasn't going to haul my treadmill with me on vacation, I instead found myself running in the forest near where we were staying.
So when I do the proverbial "getting away from it all" and have the opportunity to spend time with God in nature, it tends to make me even more saddened and disillusioned by my lifestyle. I can feel so lost from God, so lonely for Him ... and "oh Lord, I'll spend some quiet time with you just as soon as I start another load of laundry".
How do we live in the modern world and still succeed at being close with our Creator? I think the "Field Guide to Evangelicals" illustrated this for me in some ways - rather than rising above the need for "stuff", we evangelicals have all these ways we try to fit into the modern consumeristic lifestyle; with our Christian Music, our T-shirts with cute clean sayings on them, even our "Christian" romance novels ... I know the point of these things is to answer to the secular world with our own counterparts ...
but I wonder if the real answer lies not in answering secular with religious, but in realizing that it's our life that is the example, not the things we buy or wear.
What I'm saying is this, I guess:
We don't need our own "Christian" music, our own jewelry, our own clothing, our own entertainment (books, media) to protect us from the secular versions of these things. We fear our tendency to idolize the secular - the top rock bands, the brand name clothing, the films, the books, even the TV shows. So we clean up the secular, slap a fish or something on it and call it "good". But is it still idolizing fashion, music, etc, even if it has a "Christian" message"?
Maybe we need to realize that God wants us to rise above the world, not to counter with Christianized versions of the world. We are to live in the world that God has created - for both good and bad. We can listen to the secular music and still worship God just as much or more than if we listen to good Christian music.
I don't want to have to wear certain clothing or read certain books (the Bible aside) in order to prove to people I'm a Christian. I want my life to evidence that regardless of what I wear. If I wear a "WWJD" t-shirt and still drive like a homicidal maniac, how is that evidencing God to the world? But if I wear GAP or whatever, and still give up my seat on the bus to a pregnant woman because Jesus taught me to care for others, is that more successful in showing where my faith lies?
It's all in the attitude, I guess. I look for God and aim to evidence Him in all places and ways I am able. It doesn't matter what I wear or listen to or watch on tv.
It matters how others see God in me.
Maybe I need to learn to pay more attention to the life I lead than I do with the "stuff" that preoccupies me. Sometimes I just want to get rid of everything so I can be closer to God without all the distractions and conveniences of modern life.
But maybe it's not even the "stuff" that's getting in the way, but my attitude about the "stuff".
In any case I'm sure I seem quite strange for feeling that all my "stuff" prevents me from relating to God in the way and measure I so passionately desire. And that makes me feel frustrated and restless, like It's holding me back from the life He wants for me.
Because when I was away from all the stuff, all the distractions, running in the coastal forest, I felt God like I haven't in a really long time. It's like I only hear/see God with static and interference, but when I got out into nature the interference was suddenly gone. I want to feel that way more often.
I'm not yet sure how to overcome this feeling, so I am just penning it here in the hopes that I will begin to see this phenomenon more clearly.
TTFN.
6.28.2006
Vacation Reflections
I was going to write sooner, but Saturday found me with terrible vertigo, resulting in spending the day in bed, which was a precursor to a terrible migraine Sunday-Tuesday resulting in spending those days in bed. Basically the loss of 4 entire days.
I'm on the mend today and want to share some of my insights from my week at the coast.
I don't know what it is, but the ocean definitely inspires me. I guess it's the realization that this world is so big and so powerful. I am just a visitor here, while the oceans have survived countless millennia. I guess it's the cliche sense of God when watching the waves crash and churn.
We had beautiful weather, which is nearly unheard of in June on the Oregon coast. The sun shone each day, no rain, and while the wind was still chilly, if you could get out of the wind it was warm and pleasant.
The kids swam in the outdoor pool and rode bikes and walked on the beach and played in the tidepools and collected rocks and shells, and we had a bonfire and made s'mores, and did all that beachy stuff. We let the kids bring a friend this time, he's a neighbor boy who is almost 13, and he was a great help with the boys, keeping them entertained and watching them on the playground and at the arcade.
I read two books on vacation: "Through Painted Deserts" by Don Miller, and "A Field Guide to Evangelicals & Their Habitat" by Joel Kilpatrick, creator of LarkNews.com, a good source for Christian news.
Both were excellent reads - the "Field Guide to Evangelicals" was hilarious ... I absolutely recommend it to any evangelical or former evangelical who isn't afraid to laugh at him/her self. I can't even describe how the author has managed to poke fun at nearly every aspect of evangelical Christianity, while not offending me in the least.
"Through Painted Deserts", of course, was a deeper and more thoughtful book, just what I needed for afternoons by the pool. It's about the road trip Don Miller took from Houston to Portland with a friend, the trip by which, I believe, he came to reside in the Rose City. But for me this book provoked me to call to mind my own big "road trip" - from Portland to Iowa and back with a girlfriend - and all the lessons I learned about myself in the process.
It was the summer after my sophomore year of high school, and my best friends family was going to drive from Portland back to Iowa for a family reunion. My friend's family invited me to come along for the ride, and I was thrilled at the opportunity to get away from my own family for a couple of weeks.
My motives of "getting away" quickly proved to be insignificant.
Our plan was to travel early in the day since the family car did not have air conditioning. So we would hit the road around 4 or 5 AM and retire to a motel with a pool by 2 PM or so. So at 4:30 AM on the first day out of town, we we driving east through the Columbia River Gorge, and had the beautiful view of a low-lying layer of fog along the Columbia's southern shore, glowing pink and orange in the dawn-light.
I know it sounds hopelessly romantic, but I suddenly realized that I would see and experience things on this trip that I had not imagined, and return home with a new sense of how small I am and how large the world is. I would gain a sense of the history of this nation, I would meet new people, I would have to endure challenges, deal with injury, and most of all see some of the most beautiful and incredible scenery I could have ever imagined.
Needless to say I grew alot that summer, probably the most significant season of growth in my life outside the months following becoming a mother for the first time.
I think over the next week or two I want to reflect some on my experiences that summer. I just feel like, for my own benefit, reliving my 8 state journey ... but more importantly and thinking about how and why the act of removing ourselves from our comfort zone and "seeing the world" can truly change us, causing us to feel closer to the Creator and more in touch with ourselves, and give us a greater appreciation for life in general.
Call me strange, but that's where I'm at.
I'm on the mend today and want to share some of my insights from my week at the coast.
I don't know what it is, but the ocean definitely inspires me. I guess it's the realization that this world is so big and so powerful. I am just a visitor here, while the oceans have survived countless millennia. I guess it's the cliche sense of God when watching the waves crash and churn.
We had beautiful weather, which is nearly unheard of in June on the Oregon coast. The sun shone each day, no rain, and while the wind was still chilly, if you could get out of the wind it was warm and pleasant.
The kids swam in the outdoor pool and rode bikes and walked on the beach and played in the tidepools and collected rocks and shells, and we had a bonfire and made s'mores, and did all that beachy stuff. We let the kids bring a friend this time, he's a neighbor boy who is almost 13, and he was a great help with the boys, keeping them entertained and watching them on the playground and at the arcade.
I read two books on vacation: "Through Painted Deserts" by Don Miller, and "A Field Guide to Evangelicals & Their Habitat" by Joel Kilpatrick, creator of LarkNews.com, a good source for Christian news.
Both were excellent reads - the "Field Guide to Evangelicals" was hilarious ... I absolutely recommend it to any evangelical or former evangelical who isn't afraid to laugh at him/her self. I can't even describe how the author has managed to poke fun at nearly every aspect of evangelical Christianity, while not offending me in the least.
"Through Painted Deserts", of course, was a deeper and more thoughtful book, just what I needed for afternoons by the pool. It's about the road trip Don Miller took from Houston to Portland with a friend, the trip by which, I believe, he came to reside in the Rose City. But for me this book provoked me to call to mind my own big "road trip" - from Portland to Iowa and back with a girlfriend - and all the lessons I learned about myself in the process.
It was the summer after my sophomore year of high school, and my best friends family was going to drive from Portland back to Iowa for a family reunion. My friend's family invited me to come along for the ride, and I was thrilled at the opportunity to get away from my own family for a couple of weeks.
My motives of "getting away" quickly proved to be insignificant.
Our plan was to travel early in the day since the family car did not have air conditioning. So we would hit the road around 4 or 5 AM and retire to a motel with a pool by 2 PM or so. So at 4:30 AM on the first day out of town, we we driving east through the Columbia River Gorge, and had the beautiful view of a low-lying layer of fog along the Columbia's southern shore, glowing pink and orange in the dawn-light.
I know it sounds hopelessly romantic, but I suddenly realized that I would see and experience things on this trip that I had not imagined, and return home with a new sense of how small I am and how large the world is. I would gain a sense of the history of this nation, I would meet new people, I would have to endure challenges, deal with injury, and most of all see some of the most beautiful and incredible scenery I could have ever imagined.
Needless to say I grew alot that summer, probably the most significant season of growth in my life outside the months following becoming a mother for the first time.
I think over the next week or two I want to reflect some on my experiences that summer. I just feel like, for my own benefit, reliving my 8 state journey ... but more importantly and thinking about how and why the act of removing ourselves from our comfort zone and "seeing the world" can truly change us, causing us to feel closer to the Creator and more in touch with ourselves, and give us a greater appreciation for life in general.
Call me strange, but that's where I'm at.
I'll be back ...
... hopefully tomorrow.
Been down with a migraine since Saturday evening. I am on the mend now but my head still can't handle very long in front of the monitor. I started a post on Saturday, but never finished it to the point of posting. I hope to get something up tomorrow.
I had to go for an MRI and MRA yesterday because I was having numbness in my left arm with this migraine and the Doc wanted to be sure there wasn't anything else going on. Will have the results of that in a few days.
Anyhow, I'll be around soon. Miss ya all.
Been down with a migraine since Saturday evening. I am on the mend now but my head still can't handle very long in front of the monitor. I started a post on Saturday, but never finished it to the point of posting. I hope to get something up tomorrow.
I had to go for an MRI and MRA yesterday because I was having numbness in my left arm with this migraine and the Doc wanted to be sure there wasn't anything else going on. Will have the results of that in a few days.
Anyhow, I'll be around soon. Miss ya all.
6.15.2006
Vacation Notice
I will be gone with the fam to the coast from Friday 6-16 thru Thursday 6-22.
Yeah, I'll miss you too, but it's time for some much needed R&R. Nevertheless, I'm sure I'll have lots to say when I return, and I know you're looking forward to it!
I am a peacemaker...
...or at least I aspire to be.
Today I had a challenging situation with a family member. I don't need to go into the details, let's just say it was an instance of several misunderstandings that led to someone's feelings being hurt. After an intense conversation where the situation was at least partly resolved, I kept hearing "blessed are the peacemakers".
So, I ended up reading the Beatitudes today. Sometimes I have trouble relating to the "blessed be's". I just don't see how I fit in. I don't really feel like any of those things.
[Sidenote: Since I aim to not to make too many assumptions about my readers ...
Matthew 5: 1-12
Now I know this is some heavier reading than I am in the habit of posting, so if you want to just skim it, that's fine.
This is what Matthew Henry has to say about peacemakers [emphasis mine]:
I hate it when two people won't talk. It seems so ridiculous for adults to behave like 7 year olds : "You're not my friend anymore. I'm not speaking to you". It drives me crazy - I can't see how anyone expects anything be resolved without talking about it. I have seen huge rifts form between people over small disagreements - the pain just festers and swells until it becomes a monster.
I'm a talker. Generally (though not always) when I have a conflict with someone, my first instinct is to talk about it ... without yelling. But it amazes me how many people in my life refuse to talk when they are hurt.
That was the situation today, a person who was angry with myself and another person refused to talk to us. The problem was, this person's anger was based on misunderstandings that could easily be explained. Eventually this person agreed to talk to me, and after a little prayer and a big deep breath, I was able to bring some understanding where there was none before. I was able to clarify the nature of the misunderstandings through the perspective of each side of the conflict.
Looking back on my life through the lens of what happened today, I realized today how I fit into this list of blessed qualities that Jesus spoke of. I feel like peacemaking is the Beatitude that defines me, above all the others.
I'm certainly not necessarily always good at it, but it is truly something I aspire to be at all times.
Occasionally I just can't be objective enough - but sometimes, on good days, if I step back into the Spirit of God and try to see the conflict through His eyes, I can really see both sides (not necessarily that both sides are right, but I can see why both sides believe they are right) and help people (or myself, as the case may be) to put the shoe on the other foot.
Today was a good day.
Today I had a challenging situation with a family member. I don't need to go into the details, let's just say it was an instance of several misunderstandings that led to someone's feelings being hurt. After an intense conversation where the situation was at least partly resolved, I kept hearing "blessed are the peacemakers".
So, I ended up reading the Beatitudes today. Sometimes I have trouble relating to the "blessed be's". I just don't see how I fit in. I don't really feel like any of those things.
[Sidenote: Since I aim to not to make too many assumptions about my readers ...
Matthew 5: 1-12
"Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them saying:For several hours today, I continued to hear "blessed are the peacemakers". So I finally decided to do some deeper looking at BlueLetterBible.
"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."]
Now I know this is some heavier reading than I am in the habit of posting, so if you want to just skim it, that's fine.
This is what Matthew Henry has to say about peacemakers [emphasis mine]:
"The peace-makers are happy, v. 9. The wisdom that is from above is first pure, and then peaceable; the blessed ones are pure toward God, and peaceable toward men; for with reference to both, conscience must be kept void of offence. The peace-makers are those who have, 1. A peaceable disposition: as, to make a lie, is to be given and addicted to lying, so, to make peace, is to have a strong and hearty affection to peace. I am for peace, Ps. 120:7. It is to love, and desire, and delight in peace; to be put in it as in our element, and to study to be quiet. 2. A peaceable conversation; industriously, as far as we can, to preserve the peace that it be not broken, and to recover it when it is broken; to hearken to proposals of peace ourselves, and to be ready to make them to others; where distance is among brethren and neighbours, to do all we can to accommodate it, and to be repairers of the breaches. The making of peace is sometimes a thankless office, and it is the lot of him who parts a fray, to have blows on both sides; yet it is a good office, and we must be forward to it. Some think that this is intended especially as a lesson for ministers, who should do all they can to reconcile those who are at variance, and to promote Christian love among those under their charge.Now, (1.) Such persons are blessed; for they have the satisfaction of enjoying themselves, by keeping the peace, and of being truly serviceable to others, by disposing them to peace. They are working together with Christ, who came into the world to slay all enmities, and to proclaim peace on earth. (2.) They shall be called the children of God; it will be an evidence to themselves that they are so; God will own them as such, and herein they will resemble him. He is the God of peace; the Son of God is the Prince of peace; the Spirit of adoption is a Spirit of peace. Since God has declared himself reconcilable to us all, he will not own those for his children who are implacable in their enmity to one another; for if the peacemakers are blessed, woe to the peace-breakers! Now by this it appears, that Christ never intended to have his religion propagated by fire and sword, or penal laws, or to acknowledge bigotry, or intemperate zeal, as the mark of his disciples. The children of this world love to fish in troubled waters, but the children of God are the peace-makers, the quiet in the land.
Today I felt like a peacemaker. Not only was it necessary for me to clarify some of the misunderstandings and issue some apologies myself, I was attempting to make peace between two other people. I have always been somewhat of a diplomat. When I was little I used to think that if Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker would only sit down and have a civil conversation, that many of the universe's problems could be solved.
I hate it when two people won't talk. It seems so ridiculous for adults to behave like 7 year olds : "You're not my friend anymore. I'm not speaking to you". It drives me crazy - I can't see how anyone expects anything be resolved without talking about it. I have seen huge rifts form between people over small disagreements - the pain just festers and swells until it becomes a monster.
I'm a talker. Generally (though not always) when I have a conflict with someone, my first instinct is to talk about it ... without yelling. But it amazes me how many people in my life refuse to talk when they are hurt.
That was the situation today, a person who was angry with myself and another person refused to talk to us. The problem was, this person's anger was based on misunderstandings that could easily be explained. Eventually this person agreed to talk to me, and after a little prayer and a big deep breath, I was able to bring some understanding where there was none before. I was able to clarify the nature of the misunderstandings through the perspective of each side of the conflict.
Looking back on my life through the lens of what happened today, I realized today how I fit into this list of blessed qualities that Jesus spoke of. I feel like peacemaking is the Beatitude that defines me, above all the others.
I'm certainly not necessarily always good at it, but it is truly something I aspire to be at all times.
Occasionally I just can't be objective enough - but sometimes, on good days, if I step back into the Spirit of God and try to see the conflict through His eyes, I can really see both sides (not necessarily that both sides are right, but I can see why both sides believe they are right) and help people (or myself, as the case may be) to put the shoe on the other foot.
Today was a good day.
6.13.2006
More on evolution
Earlier, I spoke about evolution.
So I was doing some further research about this and I found a couple interesting thoughts by Len Hjalmarson of Next Reformation. While I don't know whether he would agree with me about the idea that the EC is partly about preserving the church to endure persecution, I do think he believes the church is "evolving".
Here is my confession, which some of you well know: I like to quote people when they say things better than I do. I sometimes am not able to be as articulate with my ideas as I would like, so I borrow from someone who said it better.
From "UK Church faces life underground", Monday December 13, 2004
He goes on to say:
Len posts a quote here:
That's what I'm talking about. Thanks for listening.
So I was doing some further research about this and I found a couple interesting thoughts by Len Hjalmarson of Next Reformation. While I don't know whether he would agree with me about the idea that the EC is partly about preserving the church to endure persecution, I do think he believes the church is "evolving".
Here is my confession, which some of you well know: I like to quote people when they say things better than I do. I sometimes am not able to be as articulate with my ideas as I would like, so I borrow from someone who said it better.
From "UK Church faces life underground", Monday December 13, 2004
“Christianity in Great Britain is imploding, fragmenting and will soon be driven underground, says a senior adviser to Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams.From "The Year 2002 - A Time of Transition". I could not find this in Len's archives, but found it via Google cache. I asked Len if he could find a link to the original, and although he was gracious enough to look, he could not find it.
“Jayne Ozanne told Williams and Archbishop of York David Hope that a time of great persecution for the church is coming, reports the Times of London.
“While the established Church will self-destruct, “fragmenting into various divisions over a range of internal issues”, she predicts that a new “Church in England” will take root, consisting of non-denominational cell groups throughout the country…"
"We aren't concerned with size: we are concerned with impact. We want to see lives changed, people healed and delivered, and their lives transformed. Concern with size has almost always been a worldly priority and it has distorted our focus. In order to grow large groups we tend to focus on management; but managers solve problems, they don't build community. Community priorities are different than institutional priorities. Community priorities are nurture, mission, transformation and the life of God. We don't need more managers; we need more mystics. We need to draw on the life of God and see His life take flesh in our communities."I think in this paragraph he sums up well the changes the EC is bringing about, and in my opinions these characteristics - community, nurture, mission, transformation, mystics ... these things will help the church to be resilient in the face of adversity.
He goes on to say:
"In times of rapid change we need to be able to respond quickly. Small groups are flexible and mobile. Small boats can turn quickly; it takes forever to turn an ocean liner.That's what I'm talking about. Building something that lives in us, that will go wherever we go ... something that it mobile, not dependent on a building or a structure, or even on certain people (like a Pastor).
The future of the church is not in trying to change existing structures. That is slow and painful work, and rarely successful. Don't try putting new wine into old skins. Forget the renovation job.. build something new on a new foundation. Only what we build into the lives of people will last."
"I sense a growing grass roots strength in the Christian underground. More and more of us are getting back to the simple truth of the gospel and allowing it to change the way we live. More and more of us are saying goodbye to the old ways and searching for a new and authentic expression of kingdom values. We are tired of marketing hype, consumer christianity, lecture halls, program oriented and leader centered structures. We want to be families to each other, we want to do justice and we want real diversity instead of standardized, mass market christianity. We want to connect with God and discover what it is to be disciples 24/7."These are the positive side effects of "going underground". When all the systems and structures we rely on are removed from us, we have to build something else, something more organic - family.
Len posts a quote here:
"All truth passes through three stages. First it is ridiculed. Second it is violently opposed. Third it is accepted as being self evident." -Arthur SchopenhauerWhich I think outlines what the evolving church is enduring right now - those that have been involved in it for some time certainly know better than I do in my meager year-or-so experience ... but I think we moving from ridicule to opposition. This is a sobering thought. But I do see it becoming self-evident at some point that the way we have been "doing" church no longer works well. That's not to say it did not ever work, only that church must move with the times in order to stay alive.
"There is always resistance to change. Those in power resist change because it threatens the established order on which their employment or prestige is built. Those who follow those with power resist change because they are followers and they love their own comfort more than they love truth and reality. Others, even when uncomfortable with the current order, resist change because they fear the unknown. But when a certain momentum is reached, when a certain mass of people embrace change, a new order suddenly appears alongside the old one. Then the old order gradually disappears."Momentum. I know it has been said a million times in a thousand different ways, but this is the punchline. I know I am experiencing it. I hope to be able to spread it around a little someday. I want to see that certain mass be reached. I want to see Christianity survive the next millenium. I not only want to see it survive, but thrive. Even if that means going "underground" I want us to be willing to grow and change, to do what it takes to keep in step with the changing world around us, so we don't get trampled by the marching of time. To not be afraid or resistant, but to embrace the building momentum and roll with it.
That's what I'm talking about. Thanks for listening.
Evolving Friendships
Had a meal with a good friend last week, and for the first time in awhile, the subject of our friendship came up.
This friend and I have been through a lot together in the last [almost] 3 years, not the least of which is leaving our church. We have also clung to each other through various other personal issues. The last few years have been some of the most difficult for each of us. We have had to fight many obstacles in our lives during this time, and have at times only had each other to share the full details of our struggles with.
I believe in Jesus' example about relationships [I learned this from Beth Moore]. To keep it simple, Jesus had His 72, His 12, and His 3. He had different levels of relationships with these groups of people. Peter, James and John were Jesus' closest friends, the only ones allowed to witness the Transfiguration. In other words, they could go places with Jesus that no one else could go. They were special. Jesus' trusted them with things that He may not have trusted anyone else with.
Well this friend is one of my 3.
We are not drama queens ... we have just been through a lot of the same stuff over the last few years. I believe God brought us together because He knew we each needed someone who could thoroughly understand what the other was going through, and someone who could love us unconditionally no matter what. I can tell her anything. I mean that. When we say that about someone, we have to stop and think if we really mean it. And I mean it. She has laughed with me and cried with me and endlessly encouraged me. She has called me on my wrongs (even when I don't want to hear it) and never been afraid to tell me when I'm lost.
So we have both been feeling a little distant from each other recently, and through the course of conversation we realized that this is because neither of us in in crisis at the moment (a first).
Now what do we do? It's like we don't know how to define our relationship anymore. We don't need each other so desperately because things have straightened themselves out quite a bit for each of us, mostly in the last 6 months or so.
So we talked about it. [I know, we women are strange in that way. We actually TALK about our relationships when they are feeling weird.]
I told her that I believe we are evolving ... we have both grown in huge ways recently and we have to readjust our attitude towards our relationship.
This wasn't something we could resolve in just one sitting. What we did decide is that we are both committed to our friendship and are not interested in moving on. We decided we are willing to evolve ... to continue to pursue our friendship and see what happens. We did admit that it feels different and that we would have to continue to examine whether or not we are outgrowing each other.
I think being willing to examine a relationship from time to time, whether it be a relationship with a person, a church, or even a job, is a really important sign of maturity. It's a scary thing to do, because we might have to face truth that we don't want to hear.
We could have just left the relationship feeling weird, chosen not to talk about it, and neither of us would have known for sure if the other person was still in this thing. We would wonder if the weirdness was because the other person was mad or hurt (not). We would wonder if we had done something wrong (not).
I think it's better to admit the truth ... that lives change, feelings change. This doesn't have to mean heartbreak for anyone, if we are able to see the purpose in change.
Change is to move us. Graham Cooke says
Change is to move us.
This friend and I have been through a lot together in the last [almost] 3 years, not the least of which is leaving our church. We have also clung to each other through various other personal issues. The last few years have been some of the most difficult for each of us. We have had to fight many obstacles in our lives during this time, and have at times only had each other to share the full details of our struggles with.
I believe in Jesus' example about relationships [I learned this from Beth Moore]. To keep it simple, Jesus had His 72, His 12, and His 3. He had different levels of relationships with these groups of people. Peter, James and John were Jesus' closest friends, the only ones allowed to witness the Transfiguration. In other words, they could go places with Jesus that no one else could go. They were special. Jesus' trusted them with things that He may not have trusted anyone else with.
Well this friend is one of my 3.
We are not drama queens ... we have just been through a lot of the same stuff over the last few years. I believe God brought us together because He knew we each needed someone who could thoroughly understand what the other was going through, and someone who could love us unconditionally no matter what. I can tell her anything. I mean that. When we say that about someone, we have to stop and think if we really mean it. And I mean it. She has laughed with me and cried with me and endlessly encouraged me. She has called me on my wrongs (even when I don't want to hear it) and never been afraid to tell me when I'm lost.
So we have both been feeling a little distant from each other recently, and through the course of conversation we realized that this is because neither of us in in crisis at the moment (a first).
Now what do we do? It's like we don't know how to define our relationship anymore. We don't need each other so desperately because things have straightened themselves out quite a bit for each of us, mostly in the last 6 months or so.
So we talked about it. [I know, we women are strange in that way. We actually TALK about our relationships when they are feeling weird.]
I told her that I believe we are evolving ... we have both grown in huge ways recently and we have to readjust our attitude towards our relationship.
This wasn't something we could resolve in just one sitting. What we did decide is that we are both committed to our friendship and are not interested in moving on. We decided we are willing to evolve ... to continue to pursue our friendship and see what happens. We did admit that it feels different and that we would have to continue to examine whether or not we are outgrowing each other.
I think being willing to examine a relationship from time to time, whether it be a relationship with a person, a church, or even a job, is a really important sign of maturity. It's a scary thing to do, because we might have to face truth that we don't want to hear.
We could have just left the relationship feeling weird, chosen not to talk about it, and neither of us would have known for sure if the other person was still in this thing. We would wonder if the weirdness was because the other person was mad or hurt (not). We would wonder if we had done something wrong (not).
I think it's better to admit the truth ... that lives change, feelings change. This doesn't have to mean heartbreak for anyone, if we are able to see the purpose in change.
Change is to move us. Graham Cooke says
"There is no standing still in God. If you aren't moving forward you are backslidden".He also says
"What is true in the natural is true in the Spirit".Does that go both ways? I think so. If what is true in the Spirit is true in the natural, that means there is no standing still in human relationships, either.
Change is to move us.
6.12.2006
Proving God
I just read Dan Brown's Angels and Demons . I have to admit in spite of it's evident controversy, I thoroughly enjoyed DVC as an entertaining read, and it was recommended to me to read this one as well.
Something kinda profound struck me, though. A discussion of the problems with the science/religion paradox.
The set-up: one of the world's most brilliant female scientists, Vittoria Vetta, is arguing (it's a long story) with a man who is functioning as the interim Pope, a.k.a the Camerlengo.
[From Wikipedia: "Chief among the present responsibilities of the Camerlengo is the formal determination of the death of the reigning Pope. Until a successor Pope can be elected, the Camerlengo serves as acting head of State of the Vatican City - although this power of government is extremely limited, being merely enough to allow Church institutions to continue to operate and perform some basic functions without making any definitive decisions or appointments that are normally reserved to or are powers delegated by the pope."].
Vittoria and her father were working with antimatter, and in the process, believed they found scientific proof that God exists. The Camerlengo had interfered in a big way with this research, including the murder of Vittoria's father.
Now I realize that the scenario is not only fictional but extremely far-fetched. Yet the conversation is quite interesting.
There is truth in some of both their points. But in the end I think the church is so anti-science for precisely the reason Vittoria states:
The church is afraid that God will show himself outside the walls of the church, and as a result they fear that people will stop needing the church.
I wonder, might that be a good thing? It would mean that we had grappled with what is commonly held as TRUTH, and we had inadvertently found God in the complexities of life rather than in the predictability of an institution.
God is in ALL things.
Something kinda profound struck me, though. A discussion of the problems with the science/religion paradox.
The set-up: one of the world's most brilliant female scientists, Vittoria Vetta, is arguing (it's a long story) with a man who is functioning as the interim Pope, a.k.a the Camerlengo.
[From Wikipedia: "Chief among the present responsibilities of the Camerlengo is the formal determination of the death of the reigning Pope. Until a successor Pope can be elected, the Camerlengo serves as acting head of State of the Vatican City - although this power of government is extremely limited, being merely enough to allow Church institutions to continue to operate and perform some basic functions without making any definitive decisions or appointments that are normally reserved to or are powers delegated by the pope."].
Vittoria and her father were working with antimatter, and in the process, believed they found scientific proof that God exists. The Camerlengo had interfered in a big way with this research, including the murder of Vittoria's father.
Now I realize that the scenario is not only fictional but extremely far-fetched. Yet the conversation is quite interesting.
Camerlengo: "For centuries the church has stood by while science picked away at religion bit by bit. Debunking miracles. Training the mind to overcome the heart. Condemning religion as the opiate of the masses. They denounce God as a hallucination - a delusional crutch for those too weak to accept that life is meaningless. "I could not stand by while science presumed to harness the power of God himself! Proof, you say? Yes, proof of science's ignorance! What is wrong with the admission that something exists beyond our understanding? The day science substantiates God in a lab is the day people stop needing faith!"I wonder, should science try to prove God's existence? Would that be a bad or a good thing? What would happen to our faith if such a thing really happened?
Vittoria: "You mean the day they stop needing the church. Doubt is your last shred of control. It is doubt that brings souls to you. Our need to know that life has meaning. Man's insecurity and need for an enlightened soul assuring him that everything is a part of a master plan. But the church is not the only enlightened soul on the planet! We all seek God in different ways. What are you afraid of? That God will show himself somewhere other than inside these walls? That people will find him in their own lives and leave your antiquated rituals behind? Religions evolve! The mind finds answers, the heart grapples with new truths. My father was on your quest! A parallel path! Why couldn't you see that? God is not some omnipotent authority looking down from above, threatening to throw us into a pit of fire if we disobey. God is the energy that flows through the synapses of of our nervous system and the chambers of our hearts! God is in all things!"
There is truth in some of both their points. But in the end I think the church is so anti-science for precisely the reason Vittoria states:
The church is afraid that God will show himself outside the walls of the church, and as a result they fear that people will stop needing the church.
I wonder, might that be a good thing? It would mean that we had grappled with what is commonly held as TRUTH, and we had inadvertently found God in the complexities of life rather than in the predictability of an institution.
God is in ALL things.
6.11.2006
Just thinking about evolution
Why is this "emerging church" [or whatever the buzz word is these days] thing happening?
Maybe I'm going out on a limb here, but it occurred to me today...call it prophetic or not (haven't had one of those in a looong time) ... I just wonder if there isn't a bigger picture to all this disillusionment that is going around.
There has to be a higher purpose to the mass exodus from "church". It's thoroughly evident that God is in it because He is the master of Exodus. Maybe we ought to look deeper for what His purpose might be; look beyond the divisions and the arguments and into the expansive future. I believe the purpose is far more than just God's desire to change the inner workings of the church; more than motivating people to expand their definition of what church is; even more than bringing us back to what some call the "NT church".
I was thinking a few years back that current christianity as a whole is endangered ... how rather than us who live in religion-liberal nations (in other words being allowed to practice religion freely) making headway into the persecution that exists in places like China (see The Heavenly Man by Brother Yun); instead the persecution is making headway into us.
I'm certainly no expert, and I know that many will dispute that statement. Yet, if we look broadly beyond the battles we are winning and see the war we are losing, I think it might be true.
Even if you don't believe much of the currently popular eschatology, you probably will agree that it's only a matter of time until Christian persecution exists in first-world countries. I don't just mean just the liberal left passing laws that conservative Christians believe are immoral, but persecution in the realm of being forbidden to meet or practice Christianity at all. I'm sure it won't look as malicious as it does in those books ... it's more likely we will be blindsided by it through "tolerance" channels, and it will likely seem very nearly benevolent to the masses.
Is this persecution imminent? No, but I don't believe it is impossible. I'm not looking for it in this lifetime (or any specific time frame), I only mean that it's possible God is planning ahead.
I just wonder if the growing discontent with the mega- and institutional- church is a tool God is using to prepare us for the eventual undergrounding of the church in America.
I am not a doomsayer ... I am not looking for the eventual realization of the tribulation as described in popular literature . I honestly have no beliefs about the end-times, or whatever you would call it. I am not praying for the end to be near [Lord help us, there is still so much work to be done!]. So please don't get my heart wrong. I am just looking at a trend, and I can't deny how it looks from where I sit. I honestly don't have an opinion about what this undergrounding would mean in any eschatological sense, only that it's bound to happen.
He is preparing people and places that are equipped to deal with this eventuality. Maybe?
I see the moving away from church as business and the institutional organizations they are ... the moving into church as a family and a network.
The moving away from church as an entity and the moving into church as a lifestyle.
The moving away from church as a building and moving into church as a movement.
I'm not suggesting that we "emerging" types are God's special chosen ones to whom He has bestowed "inside knowledge" ... for I believe if you ever find yourself cracking a Bible you are a "chosen one". This is not about favor and privilege. I don't believe the IC church folks will be running for their lives towards the EC folk; looking for guidance and salvation.
I'm just thinking that we might not be seeing the entire picture. Maybe we should stop with the bickering and embrace this evolution of the church as part of God's plan ...
Hm. Maybe that's a good new terminology:
Instead of the "emerging church",
we are the evolving church.
That's sure to raise some fundamentalist hackles. Oh well. If we look at the definition of "evolution" we might see the relevance:
Maybe our spiritual DNA is evolving into something more capable of survival in harsh circumstances. Maybe it is the process of natural selection [don't get me wrong here...it's not about the natural selection of the "better" or "stronger" individuals or churches, but the overall selection of the most adaptable and resilient aspects of Christianity as a whole] in order to create a stronger entity, more easily able to reproduce and more suited to it's environment.
Evolving.
Maybe I'm going out on a limb here, but it occurred to me today...call it prophetic or not (haven't had one of those in a looong time) ... I just wonder if there isn't a bigger picture to all this disillusionment that is going around.
There has to be a higher purpose to the mass exodus from "church". It's thoroughly evident that God is in it because He is the master of Exodus. Maybe we ought to look deeper for what His purpose might be; look beyond the divisions and the arguments and into the expansive future. I believe the purpose is far more than just God's desire to change the inner workings of the church; more than motivating people to expand their definition of what church is; even more than bringing us back to what some call the "NT church".
I was thinking a few years back that current christianity as a whole is endangered ... how rather than us who live in religion-liberal nations (in other words being allowed to practice religion freely) making headway into the persecution that exists in places like China (see The Heavenly Man by Brother Yun); instead the persecution is making headway into us.
I'm certainly no expert, and I know that many will dispute that statement. Yet, if we look broadly beyond the battles we are winning and see the war we are losing, I think it might be true.
Even if you don't believe much of the currently popular eschatology, you probably will agree that it's only a matter of time until Christian persecution exists in first-world countries. I don't just mean just the liberal left passing laws that conservative Christians believe are immoral, but persecution in the realm of being forbidden to meet or practice Christianity at all. I'm sure it won't look as malicious as it does in those books ... it's more likely we will be blindsided by it through "tolerance" channels, and it will likely seem very nearly benevolent to the masses.
Is this persecution imminent? No, but I don't believe it is impossible. I'm not looking for it in this lifetime (or any specific time frame), I only mean that it's possible God is planning ahead.
I just wonder if the growing discontent with the mega- and institutional- church is a tool God is using to prepare us for the eventual undergrounding of the church in America.
I am not a doomsayer ... I am not looking for the eventual realization of the tribulation as described in popular literature . I honestly have no beliefs about the end-times, or whatever you would call it. I am not praying for the end to be near [Lord help us, there is still so much work to be done!]. So please don't get my heart wrong. I am just looking at a trend, and I can't deny how it looks from where I sit. I honestly don't have an opinion about what this undergrounding would mean in any eschatological sense, only that it's bound to happen.
He is preparing people and places that are equipped to deal with this eventuality. Maybe?
I see the moving away from church as business and the institutional organizations they are ... the moving into church as a family and a network.
The moving away from church as an entity and the moving into church as a lifestyle.
The moving away from church as a building and moving into church as a movement.
I'm not suggesting that we "emerging" types are God's special chosen ones to whom He has bestowed "inside knowledge" ... for I believe if you ever find yourself cracking a Bible you are a "chosen one". This is not about favor and privilege. I don't believe the IC church folks will be running for their lives towards the EC folk; looking for guidance and salvation.
I'm just thinking that we might not be seeing the entire picture. Maybe we should stop with the bickering and embrace this evolution of the church as part of God's plan ...
Hm. Maybe that's a good new terminology:
Instead of the "emerging church",
we are the evolving church.
That's sure to raise some fundamentalist hackles. Oh well. If we look at the definition of "evolution" we might see the relevance:
"A gradual process in which something changes into a different and usually more complex or better form. Change in the genetic composition of a population during successive generations, as a result of natural selection acting on the genetic variation among individuals, and resulting in the development of new species."[from the American Heritage Dictionary]Or as Darwin put it : individuals best adapted to their environments are more likely to survive and reproduce.
Maybe our spiritual DNA is evolving into something more capable of survival in harsh circumstances. Maybe it is the process of natural selection [don't get me wrong here...it's not about the natural selection of the "better" or "stronger" individuals or churches, but the overall selection of the most adaptable and resilient aspects of Christianity as a whole] in order to create a stronger entity, more easily able to reproduce and more suited to it's environment.
Evolving.
6.10.2006
The world is bigger than I
I have realized lately how narrow my vision has been. I think back to my years of "service" in the church and have to admit I had certain ulterior motives to my actions.
I call it a "high-school mentality". That is, worrying primarily about who likes me and who doesn't and how I can get more people, or more important people, to like me. It's all about me me me. It's about how much stuff I have and how much stuff I have that is better stuff than the people around me, so people will like me more. It's about dressing acceptably and behaving a appropriately for the company I keep, so that people won't think less of me.
I understand this is the result of certain life experiences. I will measure my worth by the standards that people around me measure my worth.
In high school, the obsession with "value" manifests itself in things like cars, clothes, where you live, what kind of vacations you take, how attractive you are (attractiveness being arbitrarily decided by the upper social echelon) and what kind of fashion you wear. For girls, even what brands of makeup you use.
In the church this manifests differently, but is still a different facet of the same animal. The "vaule" does come up as financial - how much you "give" to the church and to support different "ministries". But it also shows as the measure of your "spiritual gifts", and in many churches there is also wealth in the measure of personal relationships you might have with "leadership". I'm not saying these things are in and of themselves are wrong, but to place value in them is wrong.
I served in the church in order to be recognized as possessing the gift of "service". I was involved in several ministries, quite highly involved in some. Was my motivation entirely pure? Not really. It was about recognition and having a sense of pride for it. It was still about placing my value in my spiritual "wealth". I was performing so I can be told how "gifted" I was. This doesn't mean I "faked" my gifts, but I made effort to draw attention to them so that others would notice how "gifted" I was.
That's pretty nasty if you ask me, and pretty tough to admit. But if I'm really honest, even my humility was, in essence, exaggerated...working to act more humble so people would praise my humility.
None of this was conscious at the time. I never realized until this last year or so how contrived my ministry years really were. However, in the last 18 months since I left, I have been unable to rely on my "giftedness" as a measure of my worth. I have had to look for new ways to feel value. I know there is a fine line between self-deprecation and conceitedness, and I know that some say Christians should not be concerned for their "value", yet I don’t believe God either wants us to feel badly about ourselves. So we do have to find value, and that's not the problem. The problem is where we go looking for it.
A good friend just e-mailed me and said something I really liked:
"I think selfishness isn't so much about not caring for others as it is not knowing how to love yourself. So we go through life trying to fill the emptiness with this or that, which can turn into an obsession because were seeking outside ourselves something that needs to take place on the inside. If we do not value ourselves, no amount of reassurance outside will be enough. We can't receive it because we don't believe it for ourselves."
That's really what it comes down to. Most of us were at our most selfish when we were in high school. We were like little universes, believing everything revolves around us, concentrating on the amount of gravity we could produce and how many people we could attract to revolve around us. I think most of us grow out of that in stages, maybe starting with college and having to enter the working world, having to answer to someone other than ourselves or our parents. Then we might marry and have to answer to someone else still. Then we have children and I don't need to even explain how that changes the balance. These examples are taken from my personal experience. I understand that everyone's outgrowing of selfishness takes a different path, yet I think for most of us it comes in stages, one step at a time.
So how do we begin to believe it for ouselves? I think as we learn to give up our selfishness, we will begin to see the light of our value as a human being. If we don't learn that the world is bigger than ourselves, we won't learn to love ourselves. Trying to find ways to feel good about ourselves won't ever work. Taking classes or praying for healing may not work. In fact, I don't know anyone it HAS worked for.
We only feel good inside ourselves in the measure of how much we think about others outside ourselves. This is different than seeking our value in the things we can gain or posess outside of ourselves. Instead it is seeking our value in the things we can GIVE AWAY outside of ourselves.
Maybe this is something Jesus wanted us to learn. That giving away (our money, our time, our effort, our compassion) isn't a duty that we must fill as Christians, and it isn't done so that others can recognize us. It's not something Jesus said to do just because it's "good for us" to learn to be selfless. It isn't because He wants us to be more like Him.
Instead, it's Jesus saying it's the only way we will learn how important we are to Him. When we give freely of ourselves, we will find our value. He made us to meet the needs of others, when we are not doing that to our full potential, we will feel that something is missing in life. When we are free with ourselves, meeting needs as we see needs we can meet, we find that there is more to life than our own satisfaction. We find that we are fulfilling our purpose and we realize we love to love.
We do need to be careful that we don't measure people's value by the amount they "serve others". We must only serve in the capacity that the Spirit guides us. For some that may be highly effective ministry with the homeless. For some it means overseas missions. But for most of us, our sphere of love begins with our families, our spouses and children. Then it expands to our friends and community, then to those we don't know and would not normally come in contact with.
Look for ways you can bless people beyond what they would normally expect of you. That's all there is to it.
Last night my husband and kids went to the video store to rent a couple of movies and a video game. I guess the cost of video game rental just increased like 50 cents, and the guy who was in line in front of them had just brought exactly enough money to pay for a game rental at the old price. So my husband offered to pay the difference for him, so he could get his game. When my husband's turn came up, the cashier saw that we had a late fee on our account (we had loaned a rented movie to a friend who had returned it late) and she said because my husband did something nice for the guy before him, she would be nice and waive the late fee.
This not only was a lesson for my kids about seeing a need we could fill and filling it. I understand not everyone would have had the extra 50 cents, but we did and we could spare it. So we could fill that need.
My kids got a great sense of love from this experience, but they also learned that this goes both ways. The cashier saw a need she could fill, so she filled it. She didn't have to waive our late fee, we wouldn't have asked or expected her to do that. It was a legitimate charge on our account, and we were responsible for it. But she was in a place where she could do something nice for us, so she did.
It's that simple.
I call it a "high-school mentality". That is, worrying primarily about who likes me and who doesn't and how I can get more people, or more important people, to like me. It's all about me me me. It's about how much stuff I have and how much stuff I have that is better stuff than the people around me, so people will like me more. It's about dressing acceptably and behaving a appropriately for the company I keep, so that people won't think less of me.
I understand this is the result of certain life experiences. I will measure my worth by the standards that people around me measure my worth.
In high school, the obsession with "value" manifests itself in things like cars, clothes, where you live, what kind of vacations you take, how attractive you are (attractiveness being arbitrarily decided by the upper social echelon) and what kind of fashion you wear. For girls, even what brands of makeup you use.
In the church this manifests differently, but is still a different facet of the same animal. The "vaule" does come up as financial - how much you "give" to the church and to support different "ministries". But it also shows as the measure of your "spiritual gifts", and in many churches there is also wealth in the measure of personal relationships you might have with "leadership". I'm not saying these things are in and of themselves are wrong, but to place value in them is wrong.
I served in the church in order to be recognized as possessing the gift of "service". I was involved in several ministries, quite highly involved in some. Was my motivation entirely pure? Not really. It was about recognition and having a sense of pride for it. It was still about placing my value in my spiritual "wealth". I was performing so I can be told how "gifted" I was. This doesn't mean I "faked" my gifts, but I made effort to draw attention to them so that others would notice how "gifted" I was.
That's pretty nasty if you ask me, and pretty tough to admit. But if I'm really honest, even my humility was, in essence, exaggerated...working to act more humble so people would praise my humility.
None of this was conscious at the time. I never realized until this last year or so how contrived my ministry years really were. However, in the last 18 months since I left, I have been unable to rely on my "giftedness" as a measure of my worth. I have had to look for new ways to feel value. I know there is a fine line between self-deprecation and conceitedness, and I know that some say Christians should not be concerned for their "value", yet I don’t believe God either wants us to feel badly about ourselves. So we do have to find value, and that's not the problem. The problem is where we go looking for it.
A good friend just e-mailed me and said something I really liked:
"I think selfishness isn't so much about not caring for others as it is not knowing how to love yourself. So we go through life trying to fill the emptiness with this or that, which can turn into an obsession because were seeking outside ourselves something that needs to take place on the inside. If we do not value ourselves, no amount of reassurance outside will be enough. We can't receive it because we don't believe it for ourselves."
That's really what it comes down to. Most of us were at our most selfish when we were in high school. We were like little universes, believing everything revolves around us, concentrating on the amount of gravity we could produce and how many people we could attract to revolve around us. I think most of us grow out of that in stages, maybe starting with college and having to enter the working world, having to answer to someone other than ourselves or our parents. Then we might marry and have to answer to someone else still. Then we have children and I don't need to even explain how that changes the balance. These examples are taken from my personal experience. I understand that everyone's outgrowing of selfishness takes a different path, yet I think for most of us it comes in stages, one step at a time.
So how do we begin to believe it for ouselves? I think as we learn to give up our selfishness, we will begin to see the light of our value as a human being. If we don't learn that the world is bigger than ourselves, we won't learn to love ourselves. Trying to find ways to feel good about ourselves won't ever work. Taking classes or praying for healing may not work. In fact, I don't know anyone it HAS worked for.
We only feel good inside ourselves in the measure of how much we think about others outside ourselves. This is different than seeking our value in the things we can gain or posess outside of ourselves. Instead it is seeking our value in the things we can GIVE AWAY outside of ourselves.
Maybe this is something Jesus wanted us to learn. That giving away (our money, our time, our effort, our compassion) isn't a duty that we must fill as Christians, and it isn't done so that others can recognize us. It's not something Jesus said to do just because it's "good for us" to learn to be selfless. It isn't because He wants us to be more like Him.
Instead, it's Jesus saying it's the only way we will learn how important we are to Him. When we give freely of ourselves, we will find our value. He made us to meet the needs of others, when we are not doing that to our full potential, we will feel that something is missing in life. When we are free with ourselves, meeting needs as we see needs we can meet, we find that there is more to life than our own satisfaction. We find that we are fulfilling our purpose and we realize we love to love.
We do need to be careful that we don't measure people's value by the amount they "serve others". We must only serve in the capacity that the Spirit guides us. For some that may be highly effective ministry with the homeless. For some it means overseas missions. But for most of us, our sphere of love begins with our families, our spouses and children. Then it expands to our friends and community, then to those we don't know and would not normally come in contact with.
Look for ways you can bless people beyond what they would normally expect of you. That's all there is to it.
Last night my husband and kids went to the video store to rent a couple of movies and a video game. I guess the cost of video game rental just increased like 50 cents, and the guy who was in line in front of them had just brought exactly enough money to pay for a game rental at the old price. So my husband offered to pay the difference for him, so he could get his game. When my husband's turn came up, the cashier saw that we had a late fee on our account (we had loaned a rented movie to a friend who had returned it late) and she said because my husband did something nice for the guy before him, she would be nice and waive the late fee.
This not only was a lesson for my kids about seeing a need we could fill and filling it. I understand not everyone would have had the extra 50 cents, but we did and we could spare it. So we could fill that need.
My kids got a great sense of love from this experience, but they also learned that this goes both ways. The cashier saw a need she could fill, so she filled it. She didn't have to waive our late fee, we wouldn't have asked or expected her to do that. It was a legitimate charge on our account, and we were responsible for it. But she was in a place where she could do something nice for us, so she did.
It's that simple.
6.05.2006
Be Still
Read these great quotes in one of Graham Cooke's Journals, "The Language of Promise".
"How do You want me to rest?"
"What does rest look like for me?"
"When would You like me to rest?"
"Where would you like me to rest?"
... but ... never really getting to the actual REST part.
And I crashed and burned.
I was forced into REST by my lack of it. Now I am becoming an expert (at least for me personally) in the art of spiritual REST. Not doing anything, just being with God (which incidentally is what Graham Cooke calls his journal series: "Being With God").
I am anxiously awaiting being allowed to "DO" something again ...
... but in the mean time I will be more appreciative the value of "being".
Psalm 46:10, from BlueLetterBible:
be still ::: raphah, strong's 07503 ::: to sink, relax, sink down, let drop, abandon, relax, refrain, forsake, to let go, to refrain, let alone, to be quiet
and know ::: yada, strong's 03045 ::: to know, learn to know, to perceive, find out and discern, to discriminate, distinguish, to know by experience, to recognise, admit, acknowledge, confess, be acquainted with
I am God :: elohiym, strong's 0430 ::: the (true) God
"The western church must learn to meditate, setting aside time to think deeply about God."This is good stuff. In the year before all hell broke loose in my spiritual life, I was prophesied over many times about REST. I sought the Lord on it, asking a myriad of questions:
"Meditation and stillness flow into an upgrade of our peace."
"Without an upgrade in our capacity to rest in the Lord, we find ourselves runing on adrenaline. That's okay for awhile, but for every adrenaline high, there's an adrenaline low. Often people get down and depressed because they have been running on adrenaline, and they've run out. It's not the pressure of life that gets to us, it's the pressure of how we run it".
"It's okay to be tired in the work, but it's not okay to be tired of the work. We must learn to give ourselves to peace, rest and meditation."
"We live our lives in the tension of a paradox between being and doing. The key to succeeding in this quandary is to always choose being over doing. We must choose to take time out to rest. We all have to do many things, but being is just as important".
"How do You want me to rest?"
"What does rest look like for me?"
"When would You like me to rest?"
"Where would you like me to rest?"
... but ... never really getting to the actual REST part.
And I crashed and burned.
I was forced into REST by my lack of it. Now I am becoming an expert (at least for me personally) in the art of spiritual REST. Not doing anything, just being with God (which incidentally is what Graham Cooke calls his journal series: "Being With God").
I am anxiously awaiting being allowed to "DO" something again ...
... but in the mean time I will be more appreciative the value of "being".
Psalm 46:10, from BlueLetterBible:
be still ::: raphah, strong's 07503 ::: to sink, relax, sink down, let drop, abandon, relax, refrain, forsake, to let go, to refrain, let alone, to be quiet
and know ::: yada, strong's 03045 ::: to know, learn to know, to perceive, find out and discern, to discriminate, distinguish, to know by experience, to recognise, admit, acknowledge, confess, be acquainted with
I am God :: elohiym, strong's 0430 ::: the (true) God
The sheer irony of it...
One of my issues having served in lower-level-leadership in a megachurch is the gross lack of communication from the higher-ups. There are several tiers of leadership, with "ministry servers" being near the bottom, just barely above the "general public". The Sr. pastor is well guarded like a celebrity, and we "ministry servers" were only afforded the ability to communicate with our next-higher-up-tier of leaders.
Then our concerns or ideas were NEVER heard, usually we were given some ridiculous answer like
Then, when you finally get to speak to a real-live person, you are "accidentally" disconnected.
So today I got an interesting and ironic e-mail from the church I am out-of.
A link to an online anonymous survey about "communication practices" among the leadership of the church, designed to give "ministry servers" a "voice".
Examples (I just picked a few of my favorites, in reality there are 40-some questions):
Hm.
Truly ironic. Don't I wish I had received this e-mail two years ago? Of course, at that time I would have likely been afraid to tell the truth.
And it just goes to show how slow the information "gravel road" is around there, since I was released from most of my "ministries" over 18 months ago, I'm still on the leadership mailing list.
I told my hubby how tempted I was to respond to the survey. OOH boy! What an opportunity to have a "voice"! However, since I am no longer attending there, much less serving in leadership of any kind; and since it was sent to me in good faith due to my former leadership roles, I must err with good judgment and choose not to respond. And since I am working to practice "grace" toward my brothers and sisters...I'm better off keeping my mouth shut.
How sad that servers are lost due to the sore lack of open communication channels.
How sad that churches so rarely bother to ask their servers how they feel and what they think.
How sad that churches become so large that they don't know who their servers are/aren't anymore.
In any case, too little too late for this chickie.
*Sigh*
Then our concerns or ideas were NEVER heard, usually we were given some ridiculous answer like
"Your thoughts have been duly considered. It is our [the true identity of these people referred to in the word "our" being quite mysterious] belief that these ideas or concerns are not [insert some apathetic terminology meaning "significant"] to the vision of this church at this time. We appreciate your input. God bless you."About as personal as the computer system you get when calling a credit card company.
Press 1 if you have an impractical idea.Then you are put on hold for an ungodly amount of time, listening in turn to some Muzac butchering of "Southern Cross" by CSN, and a gentle female voice explaining how they "value. your. call. someone. will. be. with. you. shortly."
Press 2 if you have an unimportant concern.
Press 3 if you if you are in need of useless or outdated information.
Then, when you finally get to speak to a real-live person, you are "accidentally" disconnected.
So today I got an interesting and ironic e-mail from the church I am out-of.
A link to an online anonymous survey about "communication practices" among the leadership of the church, designed to give "ministry servers" a "voice".
Examples (I just picked a few of my favorites, in reality there are 40-some questions):
The support I get from leadership is:Etc. Etc.
VERY STRONG | STRONG | ADEQUATE | WEAK | VERY WEAK | NON-EXISTANT
If I could tell leadership about my experience in service, I would share the following ___.
If I could make suggestions on how to improve ministry effectiveness, I would suggest the following ___.
I would say I feel well listened to and my ideas are heard.
STRONGLY DISAGREE | DISAGREE | AGREE | STRONGLY AGREE
In my opinion the most important communication issue in leadership is ____.
I think leadership does an excellent job communicating with me about my role as a leader.
STRONGLY DISAGREE | DISAGREE | AGREE | STRONGLY AGREE
Hm.
Truly ironic. Don't I wish I had received this e-mail two years ago? Of course, at that time I would have likely been afraid to tell the truth.
And it just goes to show how slow the information "gravel road" is around there, since I was released from most of my "ministries" over 18 months ago, I'm still on the leadership mailing list.
I told my hubby how tempted I was to respond to the survey. OOH boy! What an opportunity to have a "voice"! However, since I am no longer attending there, much less serving in leadership of any kind; and since it was sent to me in good faith due to my former leadership roles, I must err with good judgment and choose not to respond. And since I am working to practice "grace" toward my brothers and sisters...I'm better off keeping my mouth shut.
How sad that servers are lost due to the sore lack of open communication channels.
How sad that churches so rarely bother to ask their servers how they feel and what they think.
How sad that churches become so large that they don't know who their servers are/aren't anymore.
In any case, too little too late for this chickie.
*Sigh*
Two Gods?
One thing I have always struggled to get my mind around is the difference (at least in description) between God in the OT and God in the NT.
1) If God knows everything, He should have known that the Law would not cleanse us, in general due to our inability to keep it. So why did He bother with the Law at all, instead skipping right to Grace?
2) The God in the OT seems so violent and angry. The God of the NT seems so peaceful and gentle? What gives? What are we supposed to learn from that?
I certainly have studied these two questions and I have asked every leader I have been in close contact with. I have not ever really received a clear and sensible answer. I mean, God if does not change - why does He seem so different at different times? Short of believing in two distinctly different Gods (as in here or here), how can I reconcile these things?
I clarify by saying this is an instance of my asking questions in order to further my faith, it's not about questioning God. In the big picture I have accepted that I will probably never fully understand these things this side of heaven, and it's not even necessary that I understand. God is God and I am not. I'm OK with that.
But today, in conversation with a friend, I did draw one conclusion that helped me. Now I don't claim to know much about these things, but I will share what I learned today.
When looking back at the OT, I have always seen the obvious: external cleanliness (i.e. obeying rules and laws) do not automatically create internal cleanliness (i.e. having right thoughts and knowing right from wrong). Since it has always been God's goal to create internal cleanliness in us, I think the one of the OT's purposes is to give us NT folk a great example of what NOT to do. Focus on external cleanliness defeats God's purposes.
This is where I think we Christians can get tripped up. We lose the difference between the Old Covenant and the New. We tend to see the New as an addendum to the Old, rather than as supplanting it. Since I am a Christian and therefore a New Covenant believer, it seems to me that Grace is just that: Grace. It is a gift or righteousness and forgiveness, freely given, neither earned nor deserved by any external actions or observances. Grace is not Law with a gentler exterior. Grace is Love personified. And because I am under Grace I am not under Law.
Romans 2: 13-15 [emphasis mine] "For it is not those who hear the law who are righteous in God's sight, but it is those who obey the law who will be declared righteous. (Indeed, when Gentiles, who do not have the law, do by nature things required by the law, they are a law for themselves, even though they do not have the law, since they show that the requirements of the law are written on their hearts, their consciences also bearing witness, and their thoughts now accusing, now even defending them.)"
And 28-29: "A man is not a Jew if he is only one outwardly, nor is circumcision merely outward and physical. No, a man is a Jew if he is one inwardly; and circumcision is circumcision of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the written code. Such a man's praise is not from men, but from God."
So as a NT believer, one thing I see when looking back at the historical nation of Israel and their relationship with God is a warning for me. It is important for me to understand that rules and rituals alone will not ever succeed at making me clean in God's eyes. If they did, I would be strongly inclined to apply those same external cleanliness standards to those around me. But since they do not make me clean, and in fact the only thing that makes me clean is grace, I am strongly inclined to apply grace to those around me. Also, since I know rules do not create cleanliness in me, I hesitate to apply rules to others.
We clearly see how God's plan in the Law failed to create cleanliness - not because of anything He did but because of what we DID NOT do. Or more accurately, what we were unable to do. We therefore should heed that as a caveat to not place too much stake in law.
I'm sure I've not really done my thought process justice.
I guess what I'm saying is that the example in the OT of how the Law did not work to produce cleanliness in the people has recently awakened me to the realization that the Law STILL will not work to produce cleanliness in the people. But now, under the NT covenant, we have a Sacrifice born of Grace Who covers us, and we now instead have a Spirit living in us that is able to produce inward cleanliness.
So whether this lesson was God's intent or is simply a by-product of history is a mystery. But either way I think I have learned something
Does that make any sense?
1) If God knows everything, He should have known that the Law would not cleanse us, in general due to our inability to keep it. So why did He bother with the Law at all, instead skipping right to Grace?
2) The God in the OT seems so violent and angry. The God of the NT seems so peaceful and gentle? What gives? What are we supposed to learn from that?
I certainly have studied these two questions and I have asked every leader I have been in close contact with. I have not ever really received a clear and sensible answer. I mean, God if does not change - why does He seem so different at different times? Short of believing in two distinctly different Gods (as in here or here), how can I reconcile these things?
I clarify by saying this is an instance of my asking questions in order to further my faith, it's not about questioning God. In the big picture I have accepted that I will probably never fully understand these things this side of heaven, and it's not even necessary that I understand. God is God and I am not. I'm OK with that.
But today, in conversation with a friend, I did draw one conclusion that helped me. Now I don't claim to know much about these things, but I will share what I learned today.
When looking back at the OT, I have always seen the obvious: external cleanliness (i.e. obeying rules and laws) do not automatically create internal cleanliness (i.e. having right thoughts and knowing right from wrong). Since it has always been God's goal to create internal cleanliness in us, I think the one of the OT's purposes is to give us NT folk a great example of what NOT to do. Focus on external cleanliness defeats God's purposes.
This is where I think we Christians can get tripped up. We lose the difference between the Old Covenant and the New. We tend to see the New as an addendum to the Old, rather than as supplanting it. Since I am a Christian and therefore a New Covenant believer, it seems to me that Grace is just that: Grace. It is a gift or righteousness and forgiveness, freely given, neither earned nor deserved by any external actions or observances. Grace is not Law with a gentler exterior. Grace is Love personified. And because I am under Grace I am not under Law.
Romans 2: 13-15 [emphasis mine] "For it is not those who hear the law who are righteous in God's sight, but it is those who obey the law who will be declared righteous. (Indeed, when Gentiles, who do not have the law, do by nature things required by the law, they are a law for themselves, even though they do not have the law, since they show that the requirements of the law are written on their hearts, their consciences also bearing witness, and their thoughts now accusing, now even defending them.)"
And 28-29: "A man is not a Jew if he is only one outwardly, nor is circumcision merely outward and physical. No, a man is a Jew if he is one inwardly; and circumcision is circumcision of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the written code. Such a man's praise is not from men, but from God."
So as a NT believer, one thing I see when looking back at the historical nation of Israel and their relationship with God is a warning for me. It is important for me to understand that rules and rituals alone will not ever succeed at making me clean in God's eyes. If they did, I would be strongly inclined to apply those same external cleanliness standards to those around me. But since they do not make me clean, and in fact the only thing that makes me clean is grace, I am strongly inclined to apply grace to those around me. Also, since I know rules do not create cleanliness in me, I hesitate to apply rules to others.
We clearly see how God's plan in the Law failed to create cleanliness - not because of anything He did but because of what we DID NOT do. Or more accurately, what we were unable to do. We therefore should heed that as a caveat to not place too much stake in law.
I'm sure I've not really done my thought process justice.
I guess what I'm saying is that the example in the OT of how the Law did not work to produce cleanliness in the people has recently awakened me to the realization that the Law STILL will not work to produce cleanliness in the people. But now, under the NT covenant, we have a Sacrifice born of Grace Who covers us, and we now instead have a Spirit living in us that is able to produce inward cleanliness.
So whether this lesson was God's intent or is simply a by-product of history is a mystery. But either way I think I have learned something
Does that make any sense?
6.03.2006
Hello and update
Between the remodeling of two bathrooms and having two shedding huskies, I've been rather busy. Spent the whole day yesterday cleaning every square inch of my living and dining rooms. I'm not kidding. Our remodels involve drywall, which involves sanding. There was a visible layer of dust on everything, even our a/v components inside the entertainment center. Even inside my computer (!).
I hadn't realized how prolific it was until started cleaning. I do have to say I was shocked, even though we had made reasonable efforts to confine the dust, it still permeated everything. Spent 6 hours on it yesterday alone, and that was just two rooms, there is still the rest of the house to do. Ah, well...the price of home improvement.
Went in last week for lab work, and then went to the Dr. on Thursday to discuss the results. My A1C is down from 8.7 to 6.2 in just 12 short weeks. Anything below 6.0 is considered "normal" so I'm making huge strides. My Dr. was duly impressed, and said I could be off the meds as soon as the end of summer. I'm not going to hold my breath, but his optimism is certainly encouraging. My cholesterol and lipids are down too. They weren't particularly high, still within "normal" ranges, but they still could stand some improvement so that was good news.
I've also lost 15 lbs. That's just in the last 7 weeks. Initially, my body just wouldn't let go, even though I had reduced my caloric and fat intake dramatically. The Dr. said that was normal, and although it was frustrating at first, now that I'm seeing progress things are looking up.
Three weeks ago I inherited a fantastic, barely used treadmill from a friend who's moving out of state. Well, we bartered for it, but in any case I got it for a lot better deal than anywhere else. So now I am on it EVERY DAY at least 20 minutes. That's not much by athletic standards, but going from nothing to 20 minutes a day is huge improvement. Running as much as my body will tolerate, walking the rest. I have no particular fitness goals other than to do it every single day, and continue to increase my time and distance as time goes by.
My sister who was diagnosed last fall has lost over 50 lbs and goes in next week to have her A1C checked to see if she can go off the meds completely. I'm pulling for her! And hopefully not too far behind her. It's nice to have her to talk to, we get a lot of support from each other.
Lets see, what else?
Usually this time of year we get a letter from our health insurance telling us how much our premium is going up as of July 1st and telling us in what ways they are decreasing our benefits. Well, day before yesterday we got a letter that is just the opposite! Not only is our premium going down, our benefits are improving. How's that for cool?
Oh, and the other thing? I had a $130 rebate for an electronic purchase (earmarked as tattoo money!) . I sent it in awhile back, properly and well before the due date. Last week it came back to me in the mail with the envelope marked "UNCLAIMED". My postman said that meant it had never been picked up from the P.O. box. Boy was I peeved! So I communicated with the company and explained that I had kept up my end of the deal, I even have the postmarked envelope to prove it. After a day or two they agreed to honor my rebate. That was pretty cool, considering all the fine print on these rebate things that say that if they don't receive it by the due date for any reason, they will not honor it. Now well see if the check ever actually comes...
So that's the news in my neck of the woods.
I hadn't realized how prolific it was until started cleaning. I do have to say I was shocked, even though we had made reasonable efforts to confine the dust, it still permeated everything. Spent 6 hours on it yesterday alone, and that was just two rooms, there is still the rest of the house to do. Ah, well...the price of home improvement.
Went in last week for lab work, and then went to the Dr. on Thursday to discuss the results. My A1C is down from 8.7 to 6.2 in just 12 short weeks. Anything below 6.0 is considered "normal" so I'm making huge strides. My Dr. was duly impressed, and said I could be off the meds as soon as the end of summer. I'm not going to hold my breath, but his optimism is certainly encouraging. My cholesterol and lipids are down too. They weren't particularly high, still within "normal" ranges, but they still could stand some improvement so that was good news.
I've also lost 15 lbs. That's just in the last 7 weeks. Initially, my body just wouldn't let go, even though I had reduced my caloric and fat intake dramatically. The Dr. said that was normal, and although it was frustrating at first, now that I'm seeing progress things are looking up.
Three weeks ago I inherited a fantastic, barely used treadmill from a friend who's moving out of state. Well, we bartered for it, but in any case I got it for a lot better deal than anywhere else. So now I am on it EVERY DAY at least 20 minutes. That's not much by athletic standards, but going from nothing to 20 minutes a day is huge improvement. Running as much as my body will tolerate, walking the rest. I have no particular fitness goals other than to do it every single day, and continue to increase my time and distance as time goes by.
My sister who was diagnosed last fall has lost over 50 lbs and goes in next week to have her A1C checked to see if she can go off the meds completely. I'm pulling for her! And hopefully not too far behind her. It's nice to have her to talk to, we get a lot of support from each other.
Lets see, what else?
Usually this time of year we get a letter from our health insurance telling us how much our premium is going up as of July 1st and telling us in what ways they are decreasing our benefits. Well, day before yesterday we got a letter that is just the opposite! Not only is our premium going down, our benefits are improving. How's that for cool?
Oh, and the other thing? I had a $130 rebate for an electronic purchase (earmarked as tattoo money!) . I sent it in awhile back, properly and well before the due date. Last week it came back to me in the mail with the envelope marked "UNCLAIMED". My postman said that meant it had never been picked up from the P.O. box. Boy was I peeved! So I communicated with the company and explained that I had kept up my end of the deal, I even have the postmarked envelope to prove it. After a day or two they agreed to honor my rebate. That was pretty cool, considering all the fine print on these rebate things that say that if they don't receive it by the due date for any reason, they will not honor it. Now well see if the check ever actually comes...
So that's the news in my neck of the woods.
