Leaving

I hesitate to write about this, but the other day I was faced with a dilemma. There are people in my life whom I have not admitted to yet that I do not intend to return to the church I am out-of. I can't say for sure that I ever intend to return to church at all. I know I have said all this before. Call me bitter, call me fallen, call me a giver-upper. I have heard so many opinions and arguments and idealistic views about staying in the church in order to change it rather than just leaving.

But I guess at some point I have to be honest with people. This is what I came up with. I don't think any of the people in my life that this is directed at read my blog, but I needed to say it notheless.

I am a leaver, guilty as charged. I will not apoogize. Let me rephrase that. I have decided to stop apologizing. My reasons are both similar to many other "leavers", and also different and quite personal. I have fought mightily against the spirit of "leaving", and I have lost. I never for a moment asked for this, never looked for this. I was heartbroken over my leaving, for the loss of relationships and fellowship and corporate faith. It has taken me almost a year stop fighting and to accept that God has put me here on purpose and to believe that I am not just responding (to my hurts on the church) from the pit of my humanity.

I am not into being a "church basher" nor do I have ANY issues with those who remain in churches. I believe we are all in different places and we are all called differently. If a person feels they are to be in the church, I believe that is where God wants them to be for His purposes. But I don't believe that being "in church" is the only place God wants us, relationally speaking.

Some may say that the time it has taken me to come to terms with this season of my faith is really evidence of the Holy Spirit's tugging at my heart for being "fallen away". I can say in complete honesty that my Spirit feels no peace at the notion of returning, and complete peace in the place where I am. Maybe I am wrong in my assessment of this, maybe my discernment is off. If that is true, then the Lord may call me on it. But needless to say I have prayed and wept and sought after the Lord on this, and always come to the same conclusion. How long will He have me out? He has given me no definitive answer. I trust that as long as I keep my eyes and my Spirit open, He will show me when (if) it is time to return.

I have struggled with the possiblity that I cannot be a Christ-follower if I abandon His Bride, the church. However, that notion of abandonment depends how you define "church". I define the church two ways: Big C "Church", and little c "church". Church (Big C) being the Body of Christ in it's entirety, consisting of all believers worldwide who are working to further the Kingdom, to love one another, and serve those in need. The church (little c) is the building, consisting of a group of members meeting together on a regular basis. The church is a part of the Church. I believe it's possible to belong to one and not the other. I believe He creates some people to witness to creation from a place of separation from the world, some from a place of integration with the world.

There is good and bad aspects to both types of people. But people IN the "church" tend to see themselves as all good and the "leavers" as all bad. I see it this way: some people who belong to a church do not see themselves as needing to also belong to the worldwide or even communitywide Church mission to serve those around us and love unconditionally. Likewise, some people who leave the "church" are free-radicals that see themselves as completely autonomous and function quite unhealthily.

I don't believe that I have broken off from the Body. I believe as long as I am serving Him in my specific role, I am serving as the member I am called to be, if that be an arm or a leg or an eye. However, I am still part of the Body…at least I consider myself to be, even if my brothers and sisters don't. If they would like to say I am not serving Christ, I would like to counter that with the fact that God has challenged me to serve those who don't yet belong to His family (which I believe is our primary role in the world - to evidence Jesus in service and then point to Him when we are asked why we serve) in greater and more tangible ways since I have been out of the church than I was ever led to do from within the church.

In this time in my life, my Christian "community" consists of good friends and families, coffee shops and living rooms. I meet regularly with other believers, we speak of Christ and God and Scripture. We hold each other accountable. We speak of our responsibility to serve the world, to be Jesus to people who might never otherwise meet Him.

I understand the (growing) concern over the "leavers". It is an epidemic, it seems, and I will admit that some churches are losing their visionaries and pioneers. This saddens me in general, I see this as a great loss. If we have no one to tell us where we are going, how will we know when we arrive? If the pioneers and the planters cannot learn to live together in harmony, then we have a huge problem. Am I part of the problem? Yes. I pioneered myself clean out of the church. Are the planters part of the problem? Of course. They build structures where they ought to pitch tents. That is another post altogether.

What I would say to leaders who are concerned about the "leavers" is this: If you don't want them to leave, you must make them feel heard. Simple as that. This in no way means you must concede to all their suggestions or bend to their concerns. But you must hear what they say and take it into account, lay it before the Lord in humility and ask Him what to do with what these people have said. And they must know that you are willing to seek the Lord on anything that you hear more than a few voices saying. You must be willing to admit that some changes need to be made, and it's these voices you need in order to determine what those changes are. If you admonish the voices of disillusionment and dissent, they WILL LEAVE. They will not feel understood and will seek to find their value as Christ-followers elsewhere. You will lose them. If you do not take steps to hear them, you do not retain the right to criticize them for leaving.

My bottom line: the isssue of "leaving" must not be generalized, it must be viewed as intensely personal, an issue of Spirit and conscience best dealt with between the Believer and their Savior, and possibly including the people closest to the believer who are invited to hold them accountable.

Please do not pass judgment on me until you have walked a mile in my Birkenstocks, or Vans, as it may be.

Thanks for listening.

Redecorating

**Sigh**

Our beautiful Sibe - who has been oh-so-good of a girl for the 4 months we have had her - finally made her Mommy scream.

This morning whilst I was still sleeping, she decided she disliked one of our two relatively nice (matched set) upholstered couches. She promptly tore one entire side of it into strips then proceeded to redesign the front. Virtually irreparable. Interestingly, it must have only taken her a couple of minutes...I'm sure she got very little entertainment out of something she got in SOO much trouble for.

So furniture shopping we will go, it seems. Which, unlike most women, is far from my favorite thing in the world. It took us months to decide on the couches we presently have, which our entire living/dining room decor is curently designed around...oh well.

**Sigh**

There is a reason I love dogs...there is a reason I love dogs...there is a reason I love dogs...

...though it escapes me at the moment. Anyone want to remind me?

Shaken and Stirred

Had a visit today from a friend. She is one of my "church" friends...whom I don't really get to visit with all that often. She is one member of my former "core" group of friends (one of the two I still consider to be a friend)...and she is still in and involved in the church I am out-of.

Where to begin? I'ts so completely ironic...becauseI spoke just yesterday about closure...so hilariously ironic.

Don't get me wrong...it ws great to see her...to hear about what's going on in their lives...

...but what is going on in their lives involves some relationships that I am trying to gain closure from.

Once upon a time we had an inner circle of bestest-closest-mostest friends. We met together on a regular basis and encouraged one another, shared how God was working in our lives, studied the Bible, worshipped together, did community service together, had spontaneous bar-b-que's, babysat each other's kids, served side-by-side in church...and when the you-know-what hit the fan a year ago, most of these people quickly disassociated from me.

Well, this group is still meeting together...sans us (hubby and I). This friend I saw today was telling me that she and her husband are hosting this group tonight and she began telling me about it, just sharing how people are (in the most superficial way possible), and talking about how great the group is and how God is working (which I don't doubt He is).

Then.......she asked if my husband and I would like to come to "the group" tonight...

I can't explain the anxiety that came over me. My heart began pounding...began feeling incredibly and inexplicably stressed as she was talking. I was shaken up like nothing in a long time.

Why? WHY!?

Then she quiclky caught herself and said "Oh yeah, you probably didn't want to drege all that up again" (Well no freakin' @*$%& !) "...even though everyone would probably be really glad to see you." (Hm. Kinda doubt it).

And I was angry and hurt that she even brought it up...

...but I had to see that it's not her responsibility to protect me from her life, even if it hurts me. It's MY responsibility to pray and trust God to grow me out of this...to provide me with closure that is complete enough that I can have such a conversation and only wish the best for my former-friends (rather than wanting to bash some heads together - just being honest).

I decided I couldn't let this put a damper on my recovery...I can't let it hinder my closure process...but it's so hard when I'm in a place of moving on to have all that brought to the surface again. I had to stop and take some deep breaths and realize that God had some purpose in this encounter...

So when she left, I spoke to hubby about my feelings, then I prayed to God for something to counteract how I was feeling...I tried to think of someone I could call and talk with about it...

...a moment later there was a knock on my door from a (relatively) new friend - someone I have only become friends with "after", who is also a neighbor of mine. She is someone I am excited to get to know better as we have been spending more time together. She is one of several new friends I have and whom I am totally thankful for.

We had a nice but short conversation...and had a few great laughs about some things going on in our lives...and I felt notably better when she left. It was only a few moments, but it was a clear and joyful reminder that I AM moving on...that God is taking me new places and providing me with new relationships to replace the ones that have ended.

And it was stirred in me that God loves me enough to know and empathize with how I feel, and immediately provide a remedy when I asked Him to help me...a loving reminder that even though that "group" was part of my OLD life, and He is doing beautiful NEW things in me now.

And I realized that He doens't expect me to bear up under the weight of those old hurts without reminding me that He is one step ahead of me!

"How many times do I have to answer that for you?"

Do your kids ever ask the same question over and over again, either expecting to get a different answer, or hoping you will make a decision for them that they are adequately equipped to make for themselves?

In my house the question often centers around food, i.e. "How many cookies can I have?". They know what the answer will be, it's always the same. I have come to a point of no longer answering them...my response is "You know the answer to that."

I wonder if God ever feels like that?

I have just been wondering if sometimes we ask God the same question over and over, even though we know the answer...and eventually He says, "You know the answer to that. I'm just waiting for you to accept My answer."

I feel like sometimes God has given us all the infomation He intends to give us about a situation. When it seems He is silent, maybe it's because He has said all He has to say about it, and He is just waiting for us to respond appropriately.

Not because He's a mean God, but because He wants us to learn to listen to Him the first time. Kinda like us and parenting our kids. I love those parallels - they certainly help me to understand Him.

For me the question is "What am I supposed to be DOING in this season?"

His answer is always the same. "You're doing it. "

But recently His answer has evolved into..."You know the answer to that."

As strange as that may seem to me (it doesn't feel like I'm doing ANYTHING), I guess I have to accept that whatever He is doing in me is getting done, and I just have to be patient.

Graham Cooke says - again in "A Divine Confrontation" - about the "conversion stage" of transition. (See my post titled "The Storm and Closure".)

"Because this experience is very different from our normal walk with God, it can appear to be chaotic. On the surface nothing much is happening. However, underneath and inside we are very busy with God, being redeveloped internally."

OK, OK, I get it. I'll quit asking.

The State of the Blog

No spell-check again...trying to write fast!

I've been thinking about this blog. Again, "whats my point?", "why do I bother?".

I guess I have realized that I try too hard too be smart. I'm really not that smart and there are plenty of great, smart theological blogs out there that I could never live up to. And theological thought isn't really where I'm headed. When I try to be intellectual, I end up feeling like I'm not being true to myself from the desire to be interesting. Does that make sense?

The truth is, I am just a seeker...I am trying to find the reality of God outside of the four walled church. I need to know that He is out here, everywhere, and that the church does not have a monopoly on Him (which I think they think they do).

I love to see God working out in the world, getting His hands dirty. I don't believe in a distant God who oversees life from some astral plane where we cannot connect with Him. I don't believe He always wears a white suit and is always smiling. I don't believe He sits behind some Holy desk and barks orders or shuffles papers. I believe we have a blue-collar God who wears greasy coveralls with His name embroidered on them. I believe He has this huge spiritual toolbox, that He is into creating, building and repairing, that He is a hard worker and He often gets sweaty in His work.

I am trying to live a life that is reconciled betweeen the corporeal reality of living in this confusing world and the complete spiritual "other-ness" of living with God. I believe we have made it altogether way too complicated to be a Christian and I am thoroughly exhausted of it.

I cannot say with any degree of certainty if I will ever return to church "proper". I am having too much fun having church "improper", out in reality. The reason I say "reality" is I believe the established church as a whole functions in some fantasy world where God is the god of Republican politics and the god of making life better, and the god of protecting us from the big bad evil world...I hate that the church believes we must separate ourselves from the very creation it is our responsiblity to love. I don't believe "church" is exclusive to a building with four walls and an altar.

The other day I had coffee with my friends Pam and Donna. Incidentally, Pam ran into a friend of hers at the coffee shop where we were, and I ended up having a great conversation with this friend. She is in a similar place to me, spiritually, and it is always encouraging to hear different perspectives of this journey I'm on. It was nice to "have church" right there in St. Arbuck's.

In the last few weeks I have been faced with some hard realities, struggled with depression, accepted permanent lifestyle changes, and most importantly I have had to ask myself "what am I here for?" I have watched one of my best friends actually "making something" of herself...forcing me to ask "is my suburban cliche really all there is to life for me?"

What's my point? The truth is, I want people to know they are OK, no matter what the church tells them. I want people to know that God is the God of inner healing, God is the God of unconditional and perfect love. God is the God of the broken man as much as He is the God of the righteous.

God is entirely unpredictable, not a God of systems, programs, or ritual.
God is real in the world. God is not exclusive to the "church".
God is tangible, not invisible.
God is mysterious, but He is also a Man of His Word.

And it's these things I hope to begin to lean towards and speak of in my blogging.

Does that make any sense?

The Storm and Closure

Hey everyone...this is a long one. Hope you have the time. Just a few thoughts about things. It's taken me like a week to finish this post. I'm just being slow...too many other things consuming me. Oh, and I didn't spell-check this post because it's already taken me far too long to get it up. So forgive my typos.

I AM feeling better, both physically and mentally, I am feeling somewhat encouraged. Something still doesn't seem completely right, I'm going to the Dr. next week, going to have some more tests done. Thanks so much for all the love and prayers. I know it helps, and I appreciate it very much.

I have realized that in this new season of life, my perspective has been changing again, evolving...it's interesting...I've been reading quite a bit lately, and Graham Cooke talks extensively about transition in his book "A Divine Confrontation". While I'm kinda summing up, picking and choosing statements (within context) here, I think you can follow. This is from the chapter titled "The Process of Transition - Part I":

"Crisis will often involve a storm. We are caught up in the tempest of different circumstances colliding together. It is a time of comotion, assault, agitation, passion, strife, and outburst.

"Every spiritual storm has two halves. The first breaks upon us and finds us ignorant and confused. Maybe we didn't heed the early warning system when it sounded the alarm; possibly our internal man was not in position and listening....

"Many times the storm breaks over us and we are unprepared for it...

"Every storm has two halves divided by peace (the eye of the storm)."

I am thinking about my storm...it began over a year ago, and I have realized that the last several months have been the "eye". I am now facing the wall of the storm again, in this new season I am having to re-evaluate more and stretch even further...but this time it's different. What I have learned in the last year about God and about who I am to Him puts me in a different place than I was a year ago when the storm first broke over me.

"Having understanding does not save us from the second half of the storm. However, now, through the input of revelation, we have a compass reading to take us in the direction that God wants us to travel. Therefore, we can endure the change because we know what God wants to achieve. Now we can let go and let God have His way."

I think I am seeing some of where He wants to take me...and I although I am still sorting through it, it provides hope and the ability to endure. The last month of my life has been one of the most challenging ever. I am hoping I am rising to the challenge rather than looking for the easy ways out, which seems to be my habit.

Graham Cooke goes on to say:

"...transition is defined in three stages. Each one inorporates particular elements that we need to walk through in order to grow in the way that God has planned for us. In the heart of God, transition is that way that He has designed for us to approach Him and become like Him, using the circumstances He has allowed. Nothing is left to chance; everything has been ordained.

"...Briefly, the three stages are closure, conversion, and commissioning.

"In closure, God brings the past to an end. He closes a door on the enemy, hurts, wounds, and poor decisions we mad previously.

"Second is a conversion experience in which we undergo significant transformation and change of heart. This normally takes place in a temporary vacuum that God places around us to help us concentrate on Him.

"Finally, there is comissioning - a new mandate, an appointment in the Spirit."

I have realized that I am lacking closure. A year ago, when things got tough, I ran as fast as I could away from the trouble (church). I didn't believe I had the strength to actually face my accusers and set the story straight. I took the easy out by walking away, positively enraged at what had "gone down", too angry to even begin to deal with it.

I know there are many reasons I was chased out of my church...(not literally "chased" by people for the most part, but by circumstances, disillusionment and frustration) but all of them are reasons God can redeem, and I believe He allowed my experiences because it was the best way to remove me from my comfort zone and actualy get my attention for awhile.

"Life teaches us that we cannot experience a fresh start until we deal with the closure preceding it. Failure to deal with closure means that we carry on the unfinished business of our past into the present and future of our life...

"Never underestimate the importance of closure. If you have ignored it in the past, then you may need to consider the possibility that you are in denial. You have closure in your mind, but you have locked away your emotions, and now you still fell crippled by the past. If you are unable to trust, love or commit yourself, you need closure. If you have wept buckets of tears but can't forget or forgive, you cannot enjoy a new beginning."

"If you feel compelled to leave or are unable to stay in certain circumstances, you must do this next step before you go. If you do not, you will wander in an internal wilderness until the efect on your heart is resolved.

"Before we withdraw physically from a situation, people, or circumstances, we need to question ourselves and our motives. We must review all the circumstances, taking on board the opinions of friends and seeking the viewpoint of mature people. We must also correctly diagnose the real reasons why we are disaffected. Finally, we must recgonize our own part in the failure as well as the failings themselves and deal with them positively and effectively."

"Failure to reflect and learn will mean that the bitterness and the hurt will remain with us to adversely affect our ability to related in the next place that receives us."

Now I know what has been holding me back. So as I am looking to pursue closure, although I have no idea what that looks like, pray for me that I seek closure in God's way, by His methods. I can't tell you how many times I have dreampt of telling-off the people who have hurt me...even though they probably don't realize how they have hurt me, because I never told them. I just walked away.

I'm just not sure how to go about obtaining closure, and I am terrified. I'm not sure I need to confront people...I honestly don't believe that many of them would even comprehend my point of view...I feel I likely would be wasting my energy. I know they have moved on, and I am feeling forgiveness towards them and a lightening of the weight they have had on my shoulders.

Anyone have any advice, experience, to share? Specifically about obtaining some kind of closure a year or more after a hurtful event, without having to reopen ?

Thanks for listening.

I'm back

Just wanted to say I have been having a variety of revelations in this new place of life, and I have been working through them the last several weeks, in order to be able to share. I have a couple posts in my "drafts" folder, that I hope to get up soon. I just wanted to make the point that I haven't vanished, or any such sinister thing.

I also have not had the time I would like to follow the 100+ blogs in my list (just been keeping up with my top 15), but I am trying ever so slowly to get caught up. I realize how much I miss the constant feed of information and ideas I get from these places...but I think I have been overwhelmed, and would not be able to process any more information than what I have been dealing with in the diabetes arena.

Matisyahu - King Without a Crown lyrics

Although there seem to be several versions...this is the version I have.

Matisyahu - King Without a Crown

You're all that I have and you're all that I need
Each and every day I pray to get to know you please
I want to be close to you, yes I'm so hungry
You're like water for my soul when it gets thirsty
Without you there's no me, You're the air that I breathe
Sometimes the world is dark and I just can't see
With these, demons surround all around to bring me down to negativity
But I believe, yes I believe, I said I believe
I'll stand on my own two feet
Won't be brought down on one knee
I'll fight with all of my might and get these demons to flee
Hashem's rays fire blaze burn bright and I believe
Hashem's rays fire blaze burn bright and I believe
Out of darkness comes light, twilight unto the heights

CrownHeights burnin' up all through the twilight
Said, thank you to my G-d, now I finally got it right
And I'll fight with all of my heart, and all a' my soul, and all a' my might

What's this feeling? My love will rip a hole in the ceiling
I give myself to you from the essence of my being
And I sing to my G-d songs of love and healing
Want Moshiach now so it's time we start revealing
What's this feeling? My love will rip a hole in the ceiling
I give myself to you from the essence of my being
And I sing to my G-d songs of love and healing
Want Moshiach now so it's time we start revealing

Strip away the layers and reveal your soul
You got to give yourself up and then you become whole
You're a slave to yourself and you don't even know
You want to live the fast life but your brain moves slow
If you're trying to stay high then you're bound to stay low
You want G-d but you can't deflate your ego
If you're already there then there's nowhere to go
If you're cup's already full then its bound to overflow
If you're drowning in the waters and you can't stay afloat
Ask Hashem for mercy and he'll throw you a rope
You're looking for help from G-d you say he couldn't be found
Searching up to the sky and lookin' beneath the ground
Like a King without his Crown
Yes, you keep fallin' down
You really want to live but can't get rid of your frown
You've tried to reach unto the heights and wound bound down on the ground
Given up your pride and the you heard a sound
Out of night comes day and out of day comes light
Nullified to the One like sunlight in a ray,
Makin' room for his love and a fire gone blaze
Makin' room for his love and a fire gone blaze

What's this feeling? My love will rip a hole in the ceiling
I give myself to you from the essence of my being
And I sing to my G-d songs of love and healing
Want Moshiach now so it's time we start revealing
What's this feeling? My love will rip a hole in the ceiling
I give myself to you from the essence of my being
And I sing to my G-d songs of love and healing
Want Moshiach now so it's time we start revealing

So lift up mine eyes,
Where my help come from.
And I seen it circling around,
From the mountain.
Thunder, you feel it in your chest,
You keep my mind at ease,
And my soul at rest,
You're not vexed.

Look to the sky,
Where my help come from.
Seen it circling around,
From the mountain.
Thunder, you feel it in your chest,
You keep my mind at ease,
And my soul at rest,
You're not vexed.

A Few Things...

First - I wanted to point to this. It's the funniest thing to come around in awhile, my hubby and I laughed so hard over it. If you are a child of the 80's (or a sympathizer) or if you have ever heard the song "Baby Got Back" by Sir-Mix-A-Lot, have peace and know that horrible, awful song has finally been redeemed. via Addison Road

Second - and I may be the last to have heard of this - have you ever heard of Matisyahu? If not, ask your adolescent or teenaged kids. I saw his video on a music video channel called Fuse and I was so very impressed. Imagine a Hasidic Jew Reggae artist...if that sounds strange (which it is), and in case you think I'm crazy - his album "Youth" is the #1 most downloaded album at iTunes right now. If you visit his website and can tolerate reggae music, be sure to check out the Video section and watch "The New King Without a Crown Video"...it's completely appropriate for Christian viewers (I'll stick the lyrics for it into my next post). Also read his bio...interesting journey. If you wonder why I'm giving this a shout-out, it's because I will get behind anything cool and new that glorifies G-d and gives hope to the people of this world (especially teens). Jewish or not, he still points to THE ONE. I think he's totally clever and I appreciate that POD has worked with him on their latest album, "Testify".

On another note, I'm so so excited! Sigur Ros is coming to Portland May 4th! Gotta get tix to that one!

Hello

Yes I've been hidin' out lately. Had no idea this thing would consume so much of my time and energy...mostly just figuring out meals...it doesn't help that this has been a particularly busy week.

Anyhow, have lost some of my blogotivation because I just haven't had time to keep up with the blogosphere - what people are saying and what's going on. And I haven't had anything interesting of my own to say. I have been writing, quite a bit actually - just not here. And I apologize for that, but most of what is coming out of me in the form of words is not really blog-worthy.

I know it may seem that I am taking this well...and I am in many ways...but I still have to run the gamut of emotions. Anger, frustration, sadness, confusion...and worry (not about me but about these lovely genes I have passed to my offspring.) I am working to deal with a certain dose of depression...last weekend was kinda bad - ask my husband.

The loss of freedom to choose what you eat has a major daily impact...even if you are a normally "healthy" eater by current standards, this diet has a system of checks and balances that are different than what would normally be considered a "healthy" diet. (Try eating no more than 30 carbs at each meal and no more than 15 for any snack. A banana has 29 carbs.) Then I have to figure out what to feed my family in the way of meals that don't center around carbs (rice, pasta, bread etc.). Life now centers around veggies.

I feel as though I'm on an upward swing now...though I am taking it day to day and some days are better than others.

And I know I have said it before, but do I hope to be back in full blogswing soon.

Miss you guys.

Two more thoughts about diabetes...

1) I am sorry that anyone in my family has diabetes...in fact the other day my dad, ever-so-sweetly said to me, "I wish I could have it three times as bad so you and your sister didn't have to have it." I cried...but I am thankful that I have so much support in my family...we are a herd of diabetics, but in flocking together we all have a greater collective chance of licking this thing...as much as possible anyhow.

2) I also want to say the general diabetic diet is fantastic for overall health and weight loss. I think I will post here from time to time my success with it. If you see a post that looks somewhat like this:

Week 1: -5 = 190 :)

...then know that I am just posting it in the spirit of accountability and as encouragement for any of you that may be concerned about diabetes or your weight in general. I'm not necessarily committing to posting weekly, just whenever I get the whim. I will try to at least a couple times a month. More often if I'm feeling really proud.

Honestly for me it's not the food that's as big a problem as the activity is. I am a chronic exercise-excuser (What can I say? I'm a grace-based person...especially when it comes to extending grace to myself!) and it will be hard for me to get my butt in gear in that respect. So pray for me to get off my rear and move a little more.

If anyone wants to give it a whirl with me, e-mail me and we'll chat. It's really easy.

Alive and Kickin'...and my diabetes soapbox

Hey everyone...finally beginning to feel better. Having more energy and have straightened out most of the details. Had a great lunch yesterday with my friends Pam and Donna...unfortunately with kids and all I always seem to be having to rush...hope to have more time with them one of these times.

The adjusted medication seems to be good...the side effects are minimal and I am beginning to really feel alive again...like coming out of a fog...didn't realize how crappy I felt until now, in comparison. I no longer feel compelled to sleep at 2 o'clock in the afternoon, and as I get it under control, I will continue to feel better. What a relief.

I think I'm gonna climb up on my soapbox for a few minutes...only because I love you guys. I messed up. I want to do my part to encourage you to take steps if you are at risk so you don't mess up like I have.

I'm not trying to alarm you. Even if you have some risk factors and some symptoms of diabetes, the symptoms can have many other explanations. I am only encouraging you that if you are concerned about it, see your Doctor as soon as you can. Don't deny or delay, the complications of uncontrolled diabetes can be severe and debilitating.

What causes diabetes? Unknown at this time., but research is extensive and ongoing.

What is diabetes? In the simplest terms possible as I understand it...all the cells of your body need fuel (sugar). Everything you eat is converted to sugar to fuel your cells. But the fuel cannot enter your cells by itself...your cells require insulin to "open the door" allowing the fuel (sugar) into the cell.

Generally speaking, in Type I (or insulin-dependent) diabetes, your body does not produce insulin at all, therefore your cells cannot get fuel. This requires the addition of insulin to your body through injections. From NDIC: "In this form of diabetes, the beta cells of the pancreas no longer make insulin because the body's immune system has attacked and destroyed them."

In Type II diabetes you either do not produce enough insulin or your insulin is ineffective. From NDIC: "After you eat, the food is broken down into glucose, the simple sugar that is the main source of energy for the body's cells. But your cells cannot use glucose without insulin, a hormone produced by the pancreas. Insulin helps the cells take in glucose and convert it to energy. When the pancreas does not make enough insulin or the body is unable to use the insulin that is present, the cells cannot use glucose. Excess glucose builds up in the bloodstream, setting the stage for diabetes. Being obese or overweight affects the way insulin works in your body. Extra fat tissue can make your body resistant to the action of insulin, but exercise helps insulin work well. If you have insulin resistance, your muscle, fat, and liver cells do not use insulin properly. The pancreas tries to keep up with the demand for insulin by producing more. Eventually, the pancreas cannot keep up with the body's need for insulin, and excess glucose builds up in the bloodstream. Many people with insulin resistance have high levels of blood glucose and high levels of insulin circulating in their blood at the same time."

These are some of the increased risk factors for Type II Diabetes:

• If you have a biological parent or sibling with diabetes.
• If you are or have been or have struggled with being overweight, or have a BMI of 25 or more.
  
• If you are a woman and any of these apply: you have had gestational diabetes; if you, your mother, or your sister has given birth to a baby weighing over 9 lbs; if you have PCOS.
• If you are an Alaskan Native, American Indian, African American, Hispanic/Latino American, Asian American, or Pacific Islander.
• If you are sedentary or relatively inactive.

Visit this page for more information about the risk factors of Type II Diabetes. Also visit the American Diabetes Association, where you can asses your risk factors and glean all kinds of other information about the disease.

Many people are familiar with the more common symptoms of diabetes from the ADA:

• Frequent urination
• Excessive thirst
• Extreme hunger
• Unusual weight loss
• Increased fatigue
• Irritability
• Blurry vision

But I would like to add that these symptoms as described can be somewhat vague. Blurred vision is not just like a blurry photograph, but any kind of visual "weirdness". Extreme hunger is not just the "stomache growl" or hunger pangs, but feeling desperate for fuel...like you can't stop eating. Fatigue is not just a general lack of energy, but also being too tired to get out of bed and sleeping more than what is typical for you. Any of these symptoms alone are not necessarily cause for concern, but if they go on for weeks or a month, or you have several of them, please consider seeing your Doctor.

A couple other symptoms to note:

• A wound that won't heal, or seems to be healing slowly. This can be just a little cut, it doesn't have to be a large wound.
• If you are a woman and don't generally experience yeast infections but begin to have them, or if you do sometimes experience them but notice an increased frequency or intensity, this can be a concern.
  
• Unexplained dry skin or itchy skin
• Unexplained cracking and/or peeling skin on your feet or anything else unusual about your feet, i.e. severe coldness, tingling, numbness.
  
• Any general and unexplained feeling of malaise...in other words "I just don't feel right", or in my terminology "I feel like total crap." This is vague, I know, but it's very important to watch for if you are at risk for Diabetes. You know when you don't feel like yourself.
  

Please, please...if you have any concern about being at risk for Type II Diabetes, call your Doctor. Don't take no for an answer...tell your Doctor you insist on seeing them about your concern of diabetes. You may want to ask specifically for a Hemoglobin A1c test (HbA1c). (Your Doctor may want to use another diagnostic test, but this is the primary way most Doctors diagnose diabetes.) It is a simple blood draw, sometimes done after a 12 hour fast. Be sure to ask your Doctor if you need to fast prior to the test. This test provides an approximate 3-month overview of your blood sugar. The results will be a number between 3.0 and as much as 25.0 (thought that is rare.) Normal is 6.0 and under. For more information on the HbA1c test, see this page at the ADA (although it's a reference page for Type 1 diabetes, the same test is used for both Type I and Type II). If you are not diabetic but you or your Doctor considers you to have elevated risk factors, ask your Doctor if you should have the HbA1c test on a regular basis (i.e. annually).

In my case, I have been watching for this diagnosis for 10 years. It was a big shocker for me to be diagnosed with gestational diabetes with my first pregnancy, over 10 years ago. I was able to control it with diet with my first pregnancy, but was insulin-dependent with my second pregnancy. At this time gestational diabetes cannot be treated with medication. It must be controlled with diet, exercise and, if necessary, insulin injections. Even though gestational diabetes functions differently than both Type I and Type II diabetes, and typically disappears after giving birth, it is established as a high diabetes risk indicator. Gestational diabetes does not cause Type II diabetes, but it is a strong indicator of diabetic tendencies in the mother.

Three years ago my father was unexpectedly diagnosed with Type II. In October of 2005, my sister was diagnosed, also with Type II. She has not yet had children and therefore did not have the benefit of the "early warning" of gestational diabetes. I also have an aunt and an uncle, and 3/4 of my grandparents who had/have diabetes.

I have tried, though with limited success, to prevent the onset of diabetes with weightloss, diet and exercise, but these attempts have been, pardon my french, entirely half-assed. I don't think I took it seriously enough until my sister was diagnosed last fall and experienced neuropathy in her feet and had a diabetic ulcer on her leg.

So, could I have done more to prevent it? Absolutely.

Would my efforts have prevented it? Probably not in the long run, just delayed it.

Is there a cure for Type I or Type II diabetes? Not at this time, although intensive research is ongoning, and they are nearing a potential cure for Type I.

Can I "functionally cure" Type II diabetes? Yes. It is possible for many people to control it so carefully that they no longer meet the criteria for being diagnosed as diabetic, and no longer require medication to control it.

So...mid-January, I began noticing that I didn't feel that great. Nothing specific, just kinda tired. Then I noticed a wound that had seemed to heal was irritated again. Then I noticed I was hungry all the time...just wanting to constantly eat and felt like I wasn't getting any energy from what I ate. I tried eating better, but this symptom didn't improve. Then the thirst. Then the real fatigue set in...needing to sleep 12-14 hours, not being able to get out of bed. By now I was certain, and called the Dr. and scheduled a HbA1c. It was two more weeks until I was "diagnosed", but the truth is I had known for well over a month and was not the least bit surprised by the results. I even had a pretty good idea of what the number of my HbA1c test would be, and I was dead on.

THE REALLY IMPORTANT THING TO NOTE is that even though I only had noticeable symptoms for about a month before going to the Dr., my Dr. determined that I probably have been technically diabetic for 12-18 months. This is why I highly recommend being tested on a regular basis if you are at increased risk, even if you have NO NOTICEABLE SYMPTOMS.

REMEMBER: BY THE TIME YOU HAVE NOTICEABLE SYMPTOMS, YOU HAVE A SIGNIFICANT PROBLEM.

End soapbox.