I'm still here...and a few links

...haven't dropped off the face of the earth or anything.

I've been keeping up with comments here...but blogging's priority has dimmed in light of the diabetes...at least in terms of thinking of anything interesting and original to say...

Just been dealing with doctors and nutrition classes and the insurance company...shed a few tears...not so much for the diagnosis itself but for the ensuing headaches of practical nature. I never realized how crappy our insurance was until I realized how expensive the testing supplies and nutrition classes are...and our insurance doesn't cover them. Go figure.

They have adjusted my medication and I do feel better...but since it will build up in my system over time, we'll see how I feel in a few days. I hope to be back in full blogging swing soon. Because there are all of 4 people out there who miss me if I don't post... :)

I'm just going to stick a few links in here without much comment. Most of you probably read all the same blogs I do, but you still might find something interesting here that you didn't know about.

AJ Schwanz - "Church Detox: Does it Have to be Cold turkey?"...

...and subsequently Brother Maynard - "Detox: Cold Turkey"

Leighton Tebay - "Reflections on Trust in the Church"...

...and on a similar note John O'Keefe - "Who can you trust?"

Will Samson - Quote of the Day "You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do." - Anne Lamott

Alan Creech - "Discernment and Tradition"...and sola scriptura

Scot McKnight on Settlers and Pioneers

Andre Daley - on "Why I'm Post-emergent"...

...and Alan Hartung on "Post-emergent: Why that doesn't make sense to me."

CoComment - A new toy I'm playing with...it's still in Beta but it's a very interesting concept. You can also find it in my sidebar...though I'm having some trouble so far getting it to read my conversations. Could be because I haven't commented much since trying it. Doesn't work when comments are in pop-ups...so if this catches on we might want to rethink using them.

And I just want to plug for my new friend Donna...when I was down and asked for a box of "virtual kleenex", she was so sweet to actually offer some...and she sent her friends here to give me well-wishes. She's quite the photographer and I'm glad to have met her. She also has some pretty photos at her "Adventures in Washington" Blogger site, but it hasn't been updated recently.

See y'all soon. Thanks to everyone for being so supportive and lovin' on me. I truly appreciate it.

Still feeling awful...

...not reacting well to the medication they put me on. I was feeling a lot better the first day, but then each subsequent day of the medication has had inceasingly worse side effects. Just an FYI for why I might not have much to say over the next several days until we get this medication straightened out.

Thanks so much for all the love and well-wishes...it helps, it really does! Love you guys!

So here I am.

Hi. My name Is Lily. I am a Believer. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a diabetic.

It's no big shock. Dad is. Sister is. Aunt is. Grandma is. I have been anticipating this for 10 years since I first had gestational diabetes. Thought I could avoid it, but the odds were not in my favor...I had a 60-70% chance of it before age 40 (which I am). Still, it's taking me day or two to adjust my vision for my life.

The truth is I am relieved in some ways. The crappy way I have been feeling lately would really have worried me if it wasn't diabetes. Fortunately I am familiar enough with it that I recognized the symptoms and caught it before it got very bad.

The good news: everyone in my family has nearly licked this thing with diet and exercise and medication.

The really really bad news (and my brave attempt at humor):

Ode to a Donut
(to the tune of the Star-Spangled Banner)

Oh say can you see
all the chocolate icing
and the creeeeammm filling
all so fluffy and white

lemon filling and jelly
and raspberry and lime
vanilla and coconut
and strawberry and caramel

and the maple bars in there
all glazed and filled with air
give proof through the night
that this really isn't fair

oh say will those rainbow sprinkles
and glazed crullers
and chocolate old-fashioned
miss me like I miss them?

A great reminder...

...that our God is a God of the 11th hour (and 59th minute).

Bob Hyatt on "Divine Humor".

Sigh...

Well, it is what I thought. Not that it's alltogether unexpected. I'm just taking a deep breath before I share. And some days I just wish God would smite the stinkin' insurance companies.


Hello? Hello? Why is it so quiet around here, anyhow? Sorry, just a bit down. I'll perk up tomorrow. Had a bad day. Someone pass me a virtual kleenex?

Off-the-Map...

In case you haven't heard, Off-the-Map "won" (Hired? Rented?) the "E-bay Atheist", Hemant Mehta. For more info on that go to "Why Did we Hire an Atheist?" at "The E-bay Atheist" blog or at Hemant's blog "An Atheist Walks into a Church...".

What I wanted to point out about it: Off-the-Map spent their entire 2006 marketing budget of $504 to win the bidding on the "E-bay Atheist"...

...and now apparently someone who believes in Off-the-Map has sent in $504 to replenish their 2006 marketing budget.

That's so cool.

Ok one more thing...

...then I'm gonna take a nap. Really.

"A Field Guide to Evangelicals and their Habitat" by Joel Kilpatrick of LarkNews.

Be sure to read the excerpt. You might want to visit the restroom first, to avoid potential "accidents"...

via The Blind Beggar

Not feeling well...

...today. Will have to get back to my 'The Why's of it all" in a day or two. Going to try to get some extra rest.

Have a Dr. appt. tomorrow...been experiencing a variety of curious symptoms over the last 6 weeks or so...been worse the last 3-4 days. And no jokes about babies...that's not on the suspect list.

Just please pray that it's nothing worse than what I DO suspect. Or not even that, if possible.

Thanks.

The Why's of it all...part 1

I've been reading "Life Together" by Deitrich Bonhoeffer and I can't say enough how helpful it has been for my perspective on my relationships in the church. I think I can acknowledge that the pain of relationships is much of what keeps me away, now. Not knowing how to reconcile myself to the inevitable awkwardness and the overwhelming desire to give some people a piece of my mind (which I haven't done). Not knowing how to forgive and be a peace. Not knowing how to protect myself from future abuses...and I know that God is ultimately my protector...but I can't seem to avoid the human desire to be hard and cold in order to remain safe.

Anyhow...these quotes have meant the most (so far...I'm not done with it yet)

"Without Christ we should not know God, we could not call upon Him, nor come to Him. But without Christ we also would not know our brother, nor could we come to him. the way is blocked by our own ego. Christ opened up the way to God and to our brother. Now Christians can live with one another in peace, they can love and serve one another; they can become one."

"This fact that we are brethren only through Jesus Christ is of immeasurable significance. Not only the other person who is earnest and devout must I deal with in fellowship. My brother is rather that other person who has been redeemed by Christ, delivered from his sin, and called to faith and eternal life. Not what a man is in himself as a Christian, his spirituality and piety, constitutes the basis of our community. What determines our brotherhood is what that man is by reason of Christ. Our community with one another consists solely in what Christ has done to both of us."

"The serious Christian...is likely to bring with him a very definite idea of what Christian life together should be and to try to realize it. But God's grace speedily shatters such dreams. Just as surely as God desires to lead us to knowledge of genuine Christian fellowship, so surely must we be overwhelmed by a great disillusionment with others, with Christians in general, and, if we are fortunate, with ourselves."

"Even when sin and misunderstanding burden the communal life, is not the sinning brother still a brother, with whom I, too, stand under the Word of Christ? Will not his sin be a constant occasion for me to give thanks that both of us may live in the forgiving love of God in Jesus Christ?"

And the punchline...

"When a person becomes alienated from a Christian community in which he has been placed and begins to raise complaints about it, he had better examine himself first to see whether the trouble is not due to his wish dream that should be shattered by God; and if this be the case, let him thank God for leading him into this predicament."

So I've been thinking...and it's not that I haven't been told that I should examine myself first...I know that and I thought I had...thoroughly even. Realizing, though, that all my dreams of Christian community have been shattered, and that maybe God allowed all this to happen in order to shatter my illusions...is breathtaking.

He wanted me to see reality.

More tomorrow.

The Good, Bad and Ugly...

Today I was looking for some specific information on the website of the church I (but not my family) am out-of. After I found what I was looking for, I couldn't resist the urge to page around the site (it's a large and thorough website, as could be expected of any proper megachurch) and see what is going on around there. You might wonder why I chose torture myself this way...I'll get to that in the next post...

In any case, the "why I was there" is insignificant. It's the "what I found" and "how I felt" that is difficult.

The good: To quote Keanu Reeves as Ted Logan in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure"..."Strange things are afoot at the Circle K"...there definitely are some changes going on there. Without going into identifiable detail...there is a serious move to provide resources to the small groups so they can go out into the world and make a difference. In spite of the truly modern mindset of the church as a whole...and whatever the motivation...this is undoubtedly a missional thing going on.

The bad: the pages of faces...the photos and images of the people I know and love...in worship, in prayer, in fellowship...the realization that life there has gone on without me, without even the blink of an eye. I wish you could hear the crack in my voice as I say this "I miss them". The hearts, the love, the grace, the community of it. It was a place where, for a season, I felt like I belonged. I had a family there...friends, their kids, their parents...leaders and ministers (those who regularly ministered to me). The faces. The faces. I know those faces. The faces of people I love...some who have hurt me, some I have hurt, some who just silently backed away...I knew what removing myself from that situation would mean...the losses I would bear...I made a conscious choice...and yet...why did I leave? Why really? More on that in the next post...

The ugly: The modern of it is still all there. The programs...arghh...newer better faster more transformative. The practice of giving titles to everything (you know how your local news station's weather departments have to give a cute catchy name to each and every storm or drought or heatwave or deep freeze or other weather event...like "The September Saturation" or some such nonsense?) . The hierarchy. The 5 blasted IDENTICAL weekend services.

Next...the "Why I really left and Why I torture myself about it". It might take me awhile to get this next one up...I promise tonight...

Healing

I spent most of the 3-day weekend reading over at Post-Charismatic. I am not finished but have made it quite a bit of the way through this resource.

I have laughed through it and cried through it and experienced some real healing...the process of analyzing and breaking down "from whence I come" has been amazing.

As I recognize myself and the systems I have been taught throughout my near-lifetime of charismatic faith and practices, I also begin to find what it is I seek in the way of authentic charismatic expression. As I experience the articulation of all the things my spirit has been troubled by in the charismatic faith system, I begin to feel validation for my hesitation to remain a "charismaniac", and encouragement that there is another way.

As a related sidenote, my friend Pam has shared some of her thoughts about a conference she attended ("Whatever Happened to the Holy Spirit" I think it was called) over at Emerging Grace.

No comment...

Just had to share the link to a good laugh at Willzhead.

I have nothing else to say about it.

The Idolatry of Truth

I just had a chance to spend some time reading Alan Hartung's "Idolatry of Truth" post and podcast.

I highly recommend it. What he has to say about the subject of truth, perspective and about avoiding meanness when in disagreement is excellent. I have high regard for his approach. Be sure to read the comments, too. Some are pretty harsh, but there is also some good healthy conversation going on.

To put it in a nutshell...just so you can see where I'm at in the thoughts I'm going to pen about it...here's a snapshot of the post...in the posdcast he expands upon the post and some of it's comment-conversation.

"Whenever you challenge the idol of truth, accusations about how you are “relative” or “postmodern” or “just trying to justify your life” abound. Killing a sacred cow is the most difficult thing one can endeavor to do. But I suggest, any way, that many in the Church today have turned intellectual truth into an idol. Systematic theology, expository preaching, doctrinal dogma… these things have become central to the lives of many Christians.

"Is that a problem? I say unequivocally, yes. The idea that we can ascribe to certain theological statements and that those ascriptions are the most important factor in our spiritual development is the main reason the church is in such a sad state today. The very people who worship at the temple of the intellect and present themselves as those truly concerned for the state of the Church are at best the symptoms, and at worst, the cause, of a church in shambles."

..."And for those of you who think I rail only against the established church, I say the emerging church fares little better. A postmodern concept of truth has replaced a modern concept of truth, but we’re still worshipping at the temple of the intellect. Why is it that the practical ideas many or most emerging churches put forth receive little attention compared to when Brian McLaren makes a statement or two about homosexuality? Why is it if we talk about differing theories of the atonement, there’s an uproar, but when churches seriously take to heart their calling to be missional, no one notices? And why don’t we shift the conversation that way?

"Possibly because we’re too busy fighting for our concepts of truth. I’m guilty as well. Esteeming intellect above all else has been so ingrained within me that I find myself feeling satisfied just knowing that it’s not all about the intellect. Without putting the principles into practice, I already feel like a better Christ-follower…without doing any actual following."

I am not a "truth" person...if you know me you will understand when I say I tend to sway too far towards grace in my understanding of faith and Christianity. It's possible that I am this way because most of my lifetime of faith has been in grace-oriented churches.

I am not sure I have the right to comment on the subject...but I think I do because my in-laws are absolute truth people and I have gone around and around about this. Not so much today ...but there were times when I could not understand their fixation on right understanding and doctrine and theology. My gut feeling was this: Jesus came to save the educated and uneducated alike...the rich and poor, healthy and ill...and I refuse to believe He intended His message to be so complex that only theologians have the exclusive right to determine and interpret "truth". Neither do I believe Jesus intended for the educated to teach "truth" to the uneducated. I believe His message was intended to be equally accessible to everyone.

I think inevitably those who hold fast and inflexibly to their version of truth as the only way to be a Christian...and they use that version of truth to determine whether or not I qualify as a "Christian" by whether or not I hold to their version of the truth...

...Here's the problem with that.

If TRUTH states (and I believe it does) that God is the ONLY and ultimate judge of who has been a follower of Christ during their walk on earth, and He uses that judgment to determine who is ultimately allowed to commune with Him for eternity...

....then who is ANYONE else to judge by whether or not I meet the "essential" criteria for salvation?

I'm not saying there isn't essential criteria for salvation. There is. I'm just saying that you and I might not agree on ALL the esential criteria. How is that possible? We read the same Bible, don't we? Like Alan said about perspective...perspective is unavoidable because we are human and imperfect.

You can argue that it's OK for you to judge me because you have the "inside line" into truth via the Bible...and the Bible is not contradictory in any way...therefore there is only ONE right understanding and practice of faith... YOUR understanding...and you take the entire Bible (100%) as literal truth...

But then...James 4:11-12 "Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?"

And you can argue interpretation with me about that passage...but you believe the Bible is 100% literal truth then that passage from James MUST be true. If that's the case and you are judging me (whether or not I am a Christian or a good enough one)...even if you are judging me based on Biblical criteria - the Bible says very clearly NOT to judge me. You are contradicting yourself, and we end up going in circles...

I may be wrong on this, and if you believe I am...I would say, rather than arguing truth with me, speak to me with kindness. Don't judge my faith (or lack thereof) based on truth; instead "keep the law" (the truth you hold to) and let that keeping of truth speak to me, through your righteousness and steadfastness.

[I was going to say something sarcastic here but in light of the passage I just quoted, I was convicted not to.]

Maybe I have said too much, and not very eloquently (that's why I link to people who are smarter and better writers than I) and maybe I haven't even made my point.

I guess it's suffice to say that God is God and I (and you) am (are) not!

Brrrrr!

Here in Portland we have had above normal temperatures for most of the last 2 months. In fact, in January we never saw freezing - even overnight - quite unusual. I haven't worn a hat or gloves (with the exception of two days) since November...and haven't even worn a coat for most of the last month and a half...just short sleeves and a sweater. We have had way above average rainfall in the last 2 months, too...we had over 10 inches of rain in January.

Last Sunday it was sunny and calm and warm enough for the girls in the neighborhood to sunbathe! The kids were in shorts and short sleeves and flip-flop sandals.

Today we won't make it out of freezing...and while I'm not complaining big picture because I know some of you are much colder than that...after such a long warm spell, the cold snap is quite a shock. I guess it could be worse, we could be getting feet of snow....fortunately we are supposed to be completely dry in this cold weather. We have a Siberian Husky and we can't hardly get her to come inside in weather like this!

Most of my plants are on their way out of dormancy...it's a good thing the coldest temps will only be for 2 days...I don't want to lose my dwarf lilac, jasmine or sweet abelia.

So today we're probably going to have a high of about 26 and 40 MPH winds...wind chills in the teens. Although that may seem like nothing to some of you...it's all relative based on what we're used to.

But by Sunday we should be in the mid-upper 40's again...so I will be sure to ship some of our balmy temps to you folks north and east of here.

Judgment and How we "Do" Church

Judgment: condemnation of wrong, the decision (whether severe or mild) which one passes on the faults of others. (From Vine's for Greek Strong's 2917 krima).

Judgmental: Inclined to make judgments, especially moral or personal ones. (From The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language)

I tend to be harshly critical of people in the church who quickly and unfairly judge other people's (perceived) wrongs. I am also critical of a variety of (perceived) faults in the church.

Hm. Been thinking about this a lot lately. Am I equally guilty of judging if I am commenting on other people's judgmentalism? If I say "they are so judgmental", does that put me in a place of judgmentalism? Is the saying that something is wrong in the church...if that thing is not seen as wrong to the people in the church...even if other people around me agree it is wrong....a form of judgment? You follow?

Then again, is expressing my opinion about things I see in the church that hurt people and are detrimental to their spirituality a bad thing? Do we have to realize that people have the right to speak out against problems in the church?

This is such a challenging subject for me. Someone recently called me on it. I received a flyer in the mail from the church I am out-of about an upcoming campaign or program of some sort. My immediate response (this was only in the company of one very good friend) was...drumroll...

"Gag me." Rolls eyes.

This friend said, "Why are you so judgmental? This program will probably be a good thing for many people, drawing them nearer to Christ and to other believers." [Paraphrase]

She's right.

But I wonder...it's certainly not that I believe these sorts of "programs" do NO good at all...I just am asking the question "are there better ways?" Do we in the church sell ourselves short by adhering religiously to programs and campaigns and systems and such?

Yes, it's true that whatever approach the church has will do some good for some people. But what if we were to do things differently....would other approaches to "church" do more good for more people? I'm not just talking conversion rates...in fact that's one of my lowest priorities.

I'm talking making people's lives and relationships better.

Are we capable of doing church in such a way that people's lives are affected, not just on Sunday morning, but for the rest of their lives? Not just by a well delivered sermon but by example of the leadership? Not just by making church a "safe" environment, but by making church an incarnational environment?

Do these questions make me guilty of judgment? Maybe not...not at this moment in this blog post. I think judgment becomes a problem when I am angry about these things...not with a righteous anger but with a hurt and spiteful anger. When I am on my soapbox, lecturing others about the evils of the IC. When I am crying because the current model has hurt me so deeply. When I am sulking because I realize that I just didn't fit in and "it's not fair"!

But right now at this moment I have my cracked-pot human version of "righteous anger". I am angry because people (as a generalization in leadership) will not step outside their boxes...will not move beyond what they know for a fact "works"...and be willing to admit that

"Anything that is not moving forward in God is actually moving back, because you don’t stand still in God. We could call it nominal Christianity. Backslidden is maybe a better, more honest, and, hopefully, more shocking term." - Graham Cooke

And as a sidenote, I better qualify that with his definition of "backslidden":

"To be a backslidden Christian doesn’t mean that you’re not attending church, but that your experience of God has not appreciably grown in the last twelve months. You are still struggling in prayer the same way you were five years ago. Your ability to express the character of Jesus is just as poor now as it was a couple of years ago. You’re still just as prone to blow up and be upset and offended."

And yet I can't stop thinking about something else Graham Cook has said:

"It’s so easy to quit and walk away and make religious excuses. You don’t learn to be trusted by God when everything goes well, but when everything is against you, and you still stand. No one wants to listen to you, but God hasn’t told you to leave, so you’ve still got to be committed there, without a bad attitude. You have to have a good one. You’re there for a reason."...

..."You have to know the favor of God that’s on your life—favor that works when everything is against you. God doesn’t just want to be around when things are going well. He loves to be around when things are going badly, because it’s in those places that He does something quite extraordinary in our lives."

And while I realize that I have effectively quit and walked away and made religious excuses, does this mean I have to go back? Was I there for a reason? Do I have to have a good attitude? It's all those things that chased me out. I could no longer have a good attitude and no longer saw my reason for being there. But is the fact that I have been pondering judgment an indicator of something? Is the concept that I am equally guilty of judging a lesson I need to learn?

One other Graham Cooke quote and then I'm done. I think this is a fantastic outline for what many "emerging" type churches are aiming for...

"I believe the Lord is looking for places where He can come and stand. He’s not looking for places to visit. He’s looking for places to come and live. I think the Lord is heartily sick of visitations. He’s looking for habitations....

"He’s looking for certain characteristics. He’s looking for love, friendship, companies of people who are best friends, who are committed to Him, and to one another, because God doesn’t come to meetings . He comes to companies of friends....

[Lily's Note: For you U.S. people, the use of the word "meetings" here means "church services".]

"Why? Because it’s the thing that He loves most of all. It’s friendship, relationship. Where there are a bunch of people who are living out the first two commandments—love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and love your neighbor—that’s whoever you happen to be standing next to at any given point in time—love that person as you love yourself. "

How does this all tie together? What I see in myself is wanting the church to expereinece "companies of friends" more than "meetings". While my heart for this is well-intentioned, it's easy for me to become judgmental of the church and it's propensity for "programs" in the same ways that I feel judged for having left church because I felt I could no longer stay there and participate in structured "programs" and remain healthy. I see the "structured programs" of church as a deterrent to our collective "moving forward in God".

And while I don't see myself as backslidden by Graham Cooke's definition....my image of God has grown tremendously in this season of "hiddenness"...I stand convicted of my whiny attitude and religious excuses for having left and I admit that while I'm still uncertain of whether or not I ought to return to the place I am out-of, I know there is a place for me, a reason I am there, in the Church (Big C).

What is that place? That is the question of the day. Don't know, still seeking it.

"Compact"-ing

Caught this from the Blogger Buzz feed.

Compact

Essentially it is this: (as copied from their very first post):

"Greetings, Compact-wegians,

Tomorrow is the start of our 12-month flight from the consumer grid. To aid us all in getting started and sticking to the regime, I've compiled the guidelines we set in stone at our great dinner a few weeks back.

• First principle - don't buy new products of any kind
• Second principle - borrow or buy used "
  

There is an extensive list of exceptions there, too.

Then there's a pointer to "The Church of Stop Shopping"

...well I'll beeee...

While I'm not an advocate of extremism...by any means...and while this is clearly a secular parody of a church...the point is good and well-taken.

Are we Christians slow or what?? I mean shouldn't this be OUR responsibility? I don't mean in the extreme form that Compact or The Church of Stop Shopping are promoting, but by some measure? Pastors? Anyone? Just wondering.

I'll have to take a good hard look at myself and my "idol" or "drug" of choice, i.e. SHOPPING. And while I'm a "good" shopper: bargains, clearance sales, Goodwill, even Wal-mart (I have my reasons)...

...and I would certainly stop short far of saying I have "affluenza"...after all, our cars are 1986 and 1994 models...and I don't get manicures or have a housekeeper or own a Loius Vuitton anything.

...but I do tend to take pride in getting a pair of brand-new (tags still on) Gap jeans for $4.99 or a like new Billabong sweatshirt for my son for $2.99 at Goodwill...

...and shopping is still my primary reward/value system. I think that makes it a problem. I have talked about this before...and I think I am doing much better...I still have to keep working at it. In other words "do I really need another pair of shoes? Even from Goodwill?" After all, my reasoning for shopping at Goodwill is so I can have more and nicer stuff (primarily clothes) for less money. Not because I need more stuff.

So yeah, I have a problem.

Anyone else?

Shock Absorbers

Reading Sherman on the Mount today. Sherman is speaking about situations where a sibling in Christ falls to sin. He says:

"The leaders' faces turn pale when they receive news about it, and the quizzical look on their faces betray their lack of capacity to absorb the shock emerging from that situation. It is strange how the Christian community has little or no mechanism to absorb such shocks. Hence, in astonished reaction, they end up battering the fallen person and thereafter conclude with some words of godly wisdom to the half-dead person, like "We'll be praying for you..."

...We need to begin developing processes of restoration for "fallers" in our communities. The Christian journey is all about falling and having our fellow brethren to pick us up again in a spirit of gentle restoration; not one of being further battered by those who do not know what to do with the fallen. It is at this point of fallenness that grace can find its most powerful voice through the community of God. But when the community yields to a state of panic and shock, its expression of grace weakens.

Christian communities must be shock absorbers."

I appreciated his articulation of what I have witnessed in my church, and I would like to expand upon this concept from my own experience. A close friend passed through this exact thing, and it broke my heart. Her sin became public (that's another story) and where I would expect to see compassion and gentleness, I saw shock and confusion...even from leadership. "What do we do now?"

And this is a "body" that prides itself in healing ministries - I don't mean the hyper-spiritual type faith healing, but actual systematic processes for returning spiritual and emotional health to the "broken" and "fallen". We have a leadership that proclaims they aren't afraid to look at the hard issues, and frequently procedurally restore those who have suffered under those hard issues.

But the pretty and gracious exterior of our leadership did nothing to prepare me for the reality of what happened to my friend. Granted she fell...hard...but being an "insider"... I was painfully aware of the crisis she was in that led her into this situation...I am fully aware of the trauma she has experienced in her life...not that she is without fault...but her motivation was not rebellion but extraordinary pain.

And yet so little opportunity was given to her or the people who love her to say..."we must look past the shriveled-up half-dead Christian, the person who would do such a thing; instead peering deeper into her heart and speak to the Christ-lover buried within." Instead they ran around like chickens with their heads cut off, then proclaimed that she was unrepentant and that we should disassociate from her.

I am exhausted of the saying "love the sinner, hate the sin". What the heck does that even MEAN anyhow? It sounds good in theory, but how should it play out in practice? In this situation I didn't see any loving of the sinner, only hating of the sin. Don't get me wrong...I'm not minimizing the sin. Only wondering in a "healthy" church, how should such a thing be handled? Even if initial offerings of a restoration process are refused (out of pain and shame)...should the sinner then be dropped like a "hot potato"...never to be spoken to again until she shows her humble and repentant face in church?

The people who are supposed to be Jesus to her shamed and humiliated her...in the name of "hating the sin". Subsequently, she left church and it wasn't long before she was doubting the existence of God. "If these people represent God, then I want nothing to do with Him".

I think we must realize that "loving the sinner, hating the sin" must include some measure of love. Otherwise it's just thinly veiled judgment.

I wonder whether or not it really is helpful for us to abandon those who are in blatant sin. I have never never understood that concept. I understand that if I struggle or have struggled with the same type of sin, I must guard myself from that person so not to stumble. But if I have not struggled with similar sin, why may I not continue to be in relationship with this person...being clear about my position on the issue (but not driving it into the dirt) choosing not to enable the sin (not loaning money for a drug habit, for instance), and yet still be relational with this person (going to coffee), continuing to offer love and appropriate assistance (like going with them to see a counselor) if that person is willing to receive love from me? Not for the ulterior motive of preaching to her and ministering to her, but truly out of friendship...if she was my friend before...why should she not be my friend now just because she made a mistake? And who am I to demand her repentance if I am not one she sinned against (that would be God and the people she hurt)? I wonder (may never know) if my loving her in spite of her sin could contribute to her eventual return to faith?

Who will be Jesus to this person if I'm not? Not the "world", for sure. Who's rule is it that this person is only deserving of Godly relationships if they dare to continue to "darken the doors" of the church and humble themselves in repentance?

It's my understanding that Jesus rebuked the sin but then proceeded to restore the sinner...through love and compassion and grace...and forgiveness...

I can only pray that someday the Son will shine again on my friend, through me or other people who chose to "love the sinner even WITH their sin".

So what does this passage really mean?

John 8:3-11 "The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

Is it possible that if we choose not to condemn the sinner, they will be so affected by Christ's love through us that they will no longer be motivated to sin?

What would be the opposite of this? That if we condemn the sinner they will not be motivated to stop their habitual sin?

If the love of the Christian Communities acts as a shock absorber for sin, might it also effectively absorb the sin from the sinners life...by the process of loving the sinner into "turning" from sin?

Shock absorbers? Could we strive for that?

I wonder.

Happy Heart Day!

John 15:12 "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."

Wishing you and your loved ones a beautiful Valentine's Day. Take the time to cherish those around you and remember why it is we are even able to love.

I understand today's focus on romantic love, and that aspect has always been meaningful to me. But I encourage you to look beyond that, celebrating the love of your parents and grandparents, your children, your siblings or your closest friends.

Why not make a few phone calls to people who might not otherwise expect it from you and tell them you love them?

Go ahead...make their day!

Just a Signpost...

...pointing to Rob McAlpine's (AKA robbymac) "Post Charismatic".

Good stuff. Quite relevant for me and where I'm at with this whole charismatic thing...trying to overcome past misuses and abuses without casting it completely out.

"Post-hype", he calls it. I like that.

Came across this quote...

...by Ralph Waldo Emerson. Some of you are probably familiar with it...I have heard it before but never looked at it from a faith perspective.

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

Well it got me to thinking.

I started imagining what this saying would look like if I were to associate an image with it.

First I saw the edge of a wheat field. The wheat is tall and waving. There is a barely visible path in it, like someone just decided to run through it. It seemed so easy to become lost in there, no way to tell where one is going.

Then I saw a path through the woods...just a footpath, wide enough for a single person. The forest is green and there is a smattering of sunlight shining through the trees. The silence was deafening, other than the birds chirping.

Next I saw dozens of huge hot air balloons in the sky, casting their brightly colored reflections on a huge lake, shining in the early morning sun. They seemed so free, just aloft on the wind, following it where it led.

Lastly, I saw a covered wagon, then many of them, horses and all. I was seeing them from behind, they were moving away from me, on a journey to somewhere else. I could see the wagon tracks in the soft ground and wondered how many other wagons would pass this way in the westward migration.

What do you see?

Rediscovering Spirituality

During the last 18 months or so, I felt I had lost my "spiritual" self...in other word the ability to "feel" or "experience" God.

I have been a primarily experiential Christian most of my life. But in this confusing and challenging season of detox, I have learned that I want more.

More than "feeling" and "experiencing" God, you ask? Yes.

If I can feel Him, I know He's there, and I have always been able to feel Him. Maybe that comes with the gift of faith. But at some point I must have told Him that I wanted "more" than "just" experience, because I haven't been able to "feel" Him much in this season. While I have found that I am no less aware of His presence...there just isn't the same sense of power, I can't "hear" His voice...for you charismatics...I haven't prayed in the spirit for nearly a year. I just haven't been able to. It's been like God shut it off.

I have been reading Graham Cooke's journal "Hiddenness and Manifestation" lately...I highly recommend it for anyone who is feeling distant from God...it's just a little read, a short book, but is packed with insight into the season of "hiddenness".

"Manifestation describes the times when you feel God's presence and His touch upon your life in a very immediate way. He is just there! Those times are wonderful and effortless. But God also brings season of hiddenness into your life, and although He is still very much with you, you don't feel His presence in the same way. It seems at times that God strips away all the external paraphernalia of your life and denies it to you. At those times, you have to believe that you have peace with God because you don't feel it in your emotions.

"Manifestation is about experiencing all that God is doing. Hiddenness is about possessing all the things of God through His word by faith. During times of hiddenness, you must learn to rely on the promises that God has made you through the Bible.

"Perhaps the simplest way to explain it is to say that manifestation is a time of blessing; hiddenness is a times of building."

That's a pretty accurate description, if you ask me. I have never been in this season of hiddenness before (my friend Pam calls it the wilderness, which is an equally apt description) and although I know what I've been facing in this season in my walk with God, it been a really encouraging reminder in reading this book, gaining a clearer understanding what God might be up to. Because goodness knows I have been thoroughly confused...why on earth would God draw me out of church and then hide from me?

My interactions with Him during this season have become primarily intellectual. Wanting to know and understand, asking how's and why's of this faith I call mine. Wanting to own what I believe. Not just what my Pastor tells me. Not just through the ways in which my Pastor interprets the Bible for me. But because sit down with the Bible and I hash it out with God and He brings me to a place of accepting what HE wants me to believe.

This season has also been an amazing time of discovery of who God really is and what He really desires for us humans…and I don't think He just wants us to "get into heaven when we die, and drag as many people along with us as we can". I believe it's bigger than that...maybe it's about love first and foremost…and if every Christian were to embody love to everyone around us, no matter who they are…eventually they will no longer be able to deny the existence of God, and they will have to acknowledge the Lordship of Christ, for it is He who taught us to love this way.

I have just begun to enjoy and appreciate this time of "hiddenness" for all it's intrinsic value. I have learned to seek God in the strangest places, because in this season He's been hard to find. I have learned things I never understood before. And while I have been playing hide-n-seek with Him, I have wandered into places I never would have found otherwise.

But…interestingly enough, a friend went missing briefly last week, and I was moved to pray in tongues for the first time in nearly a year. It just welled up inside me. It was weird…unfamiliar but strangely familiar. And it made me cry.

I cried for two reasons I think. For one, I was relieved to find that I wasn't "broken"…a part of me has wondered if I had simply "lost" the ability to "experience" God permanently. I felt this situation to be an indicator that this spiritually "dry" season might be ending.

But I also felt sadness that this season might be on the wane…wondering if this season ends…will I ever get to play hide-n-seek with God again?

I sure hope so.

Offended?

It has been brought to my attention that some people aren't OK with my movie reference in the previous post. I understand, but let me explain.

I was just being honest. This season of my life is the toughest I have ever been in. I have been pretty blasted angry at God and He knows it. I can't SAY anything that He doesn't already know I have thought. And boy have I thought it.

Like I said in my post, I have never sworn out-loud at God, but He knows I have thought it, so what's the difference? I am a firm believer in "He can handle whatever we can dish out" and "He knows my heart and what would drive me to be that angry and what I really mean". And I think He allows us to shake our fists at Him once in awhile...and He just smiles because He knows the big picture and we don't.

Does that excuse what I wrote? Maybe, maybe not. It all depends on where you stand. But think about this...this is my blog about my life and experiences...and for every person who might be offended by what I wrote, there is a person who understands how hard it is to be real and what I am really striving for in being honest.

I know it may seem easy for me to use "foul" language here because I am anonymous...but know this...I'm not anonymous to everyone who reads here, and I would just as easily say what I said to the real live people who know me.
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