We have waited 5 years (well, 5 years since we have known of their existence, much longer in reality) to actually meet these ladies that are my husband's genetic siblings. And it was amazing. Of course we would have loved to have known his natural mother, but she passed away in 1991, when her daughters we just 17 and 19. She always wanted to know her son, and continually searched for him even up until her death. So my husband's natural sisters are thrilled at the opportunity to know him and have him be a part of their lives. One sister said, though, that it was hard for her to be around him because he reminded her so much of their mother and it brought the grief of her loss to the surface.
While I know to some extent how this experience has impacted my husband, I don't think I can speak for him. So I will probably ask him to pen something I can post here that is in his own words.
But here's my take.
And let me say first of all that I hate having to make the distinction between his adoptive family and his birth or natural or biological family, because so often it feels insulting to make it seem as though the adoptive family is some lesser part of his equation or that his new-found biological sisters of some lesser value to him. So when I refer to his family or sisters, I mean the family he grew up in, his adoptive family. Otherwise I will indicate his natural family or sisters or mother, being his biological relations. This distinction isn't an indication of one being more important than the other, just for clarity.
I love my husband's family. There's no doubt about that. I don't want to go into details right now, let's just say that they are amazing people. His parents never treated him like he wasn't their own, never singled him out from his two sisters that are the biological offspring of his parents. They did all they believed they should to bring him up loving the Lord, and they turned him into a wonderful, respectful, moral man. I have so much appreciation of them for that. I will say that over the years I have had my issues as a member of his family, but the issues are as much my fault as anything. They are issues of personality conflict, not character, and have proven to resolve themselves over the years both through my growth and theirs.
So his desire (and mine) to find his natural family was not a result of some sense of a negative childhood. His (I think, and he can correct me if I'm wrong) is more a sense of wanting to know the whole picture, the complete story. I don't think he's ever felt a question of "why did my natural mother give me up?" because he's always known she was very young and there may have not been any alternative for her. But I do know he has always wondered "what is my nationality?" (obviously caucasian, but what type), "where did I get my interest in athletics?" (obviously not from my adoptive parents), and the big one "who do I look like?".
For me, of course, it's different. When both my children were born, my family did like people always do, "oh he has grandpa's eyes, or aunties toes".... you know what I mean. And although both my children (obviously) look like my husband, the relating on his side could go no further than that. I could tell it hurt him on some level, because my family went on and on about it as some families do.
I could not help but wonder, since my children were born, what lies beyond Daddy's genes? Who else are they like? What aspects of their personalities or talents or interests come from Daddy's genes rather than mine?
Meeting his natural sisters last week was something I couldn't put into words. Not only could we relate my husband to them, but our children to their children. And our children to my husband's natural mother. And so on. His natural sisters have a different father than my husband, but it seemed to matter little. One favors their dad in complexion and looks, one their mother, but still the three of them all look like siblings. Then there are the personality similarities. That was the really interesting part.
You know how on TV shows they have studied twins who were separated at birth then reunited as adults? How similar they are, not just in looks or personality, but in how they dress, what foods they like, and even what kind of car they drive?
It's kinda like that. And it filled in a number of gaps about who he is and why he is they way he is.
More later.
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