I Went to Church today

No I'm not kidding.

My In-laws have started a church (only about 2 months old) and we went to visit, check it out, be supportive etc. I will step outside my usually vocal self here, because I love my In-laws and I appreciate what they are doing. My FIL is a wise and knowledgeable man with much to offer believers and I am glad he has finally had the opportunity to be a part of something that is his own. He is ordained but has never been able to serve (to my knolwedge) in more than a subsidiary Pastoral role and has pretty much always been employed in the secular world. He is 66 years old and retired now, and the way I see it, it's about dang time he got to do this because he is passionate about it.

However, it truly wasn't my kind of place (as if there is such a thing as something that IS my kind of place these days.) and at this point I certainly can't see myself parked there. It is conservative to a great degree - we're talking hymns. Only.

The people were very nice - you have to understand that most of the people attending and in leadership there are people my husband's family have known for eons, so there were many people we know. But the service was so very, very conventional and, ahem. I need to not say what else I think.

But there are so many connections there, and it's small with no intent or plans to get big. And it's not a one-man-band but a team leadership. And whoever speaks each week is "interruptable", in other words there's room for questions ans discussion. These are all points I have said I would like. Of course, there are many other points that I don't like. But at least we're getting warmer.

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Sigh.

This is really not what I've been looking for, although answers from God seldom are. I might be on the lookout for a 6 lane freeway in the big city, but He very well might send me down a rutted gravel road in the frickin' boonies. I know this is how He works.

But honestly. "Please let it not be this" - that's my prayer. I felt like crying - "God this ISN'T what you want for me, it CAN'T possibly be."

Say it isn't so.

And yet I can't ignore that idea that this has come up. I have been asking Him to show me the way. You know I have.

I feel such a strong need to have freedom, I feel like I have been spiritually imprisoned for all my life. The last thing I want to do is go back to that. A place where I am told what to believe. A place where the only interpretation of something is the conservative one. A place where I will be accepted to a point, but eventually, gradually, will have to be molded into something more "appropriate". A place where my newfound freedom will be revoked.

And I know I can't know the future and I could be seeing it all wrong. But experience leads to expectation, and in this case, fear. I am conditioned to expect a certain thing, and I don't know how else to handle it.

I know I have come so far and found that I am capable of so much more than I ever believed. I know that I am spiritually strong, no longer gullible and passive. But I am also no longer conservative. I have found my voice, my ability to actually say what I believe rather than keeping my mouth shut for fear of rocking the boat, or worse. Why would God grant that to me to eventually return me to the dark ages? I'm sorry that seems mean, but it's how I feel. It's old-school. And I'm not.

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Here's where I'm going with this. There has been some discussion of the possibility of my husband starting a youth program (Jr High/High) there (preliminary conversations, nothing formal) and I'm just not sure how I feel about it. It's not that he's not capable or gifted for it, it's worry about what the expectation of my role would be and whether or not I can even "go there".
So question for ya. What if they want him and he wants to do it? Am I expected by default to be involved? I don't mean expected by the people of the church, I mean expected by God. My In-laws are aware of my spiritual journey and understand from the get-go that I am not likely to even attend, much less serve in any leadership capacity.

And yet ... do you think God will see this as selfish? If He opens this door, am I wrong not to walk through it? Is it wrong to expect a more "suitable", more "postmodern", more "stylish", more "liberal" door? Because this isn't the color, shape, or style I envisioned for myself. No way, no how.

I understand that no one can speak for God and it is ultimately between Him and I, but what do you think?

Anyhow, I have no idea if this will even turn into a issue. And it's not that I'm worrying about something that may or may not come to pass. It's more like I'm processing in anticipation of something I might need to deal with, and I want to be prepared.

I also want to be sure I'm not behaving like a spoiled child, telling God that this isn't the model railroad set I asked for for Christmas, I wanted the OTHER one. I want to try to be receptive and something like this will take much getting used to, much stretching. I know I am far beyond any sense of accountability or submission, as I have been wandering around in my acres and acres of freedom, jut baa-ing and being content with myself, thinking what I want and flirting with many different kinds of beliefs in Christendom, just trying to find my place. I'm quite out of practice in relating to an actual leadership or a body (as you cyberfriends have been my only "church" for well over a year) and quite reluctant to be fenced back into the fold. I know I will have to process this and it will take time. A lot of time. And so I figured maybe I should start the preliminaries of thinking about what that would entail.

And yet I could be processing this for nothing.

Sigh. Any thoughts would be helpful.