When does conversation and concern become gossip?
I have had to deal with this subject in a serious way on several occasions, as I suppose has everyone. I have some questions about the common perception of what constitutes gossip.
A long time ago, Grace did a post about Spiritual Abuse (part II of a series) and I posted on something said in the comments about "false prayer concern". This is one way gossip has really hurt me.
But what I was faced with recently was different.
We all need to "unload", don't we? We all need to talk about people and situations that frustrate us, even if we dearly love the people. Sometimes we need to process a situation or a feeling. Sometimes we need to determine the healthiest way to love someone who is harmin themselves.
Should that "processing" be done between mutual friends? I.e. I am friends with person A and person B, and A and B are also friends. Is it ever appropriate for me to discuss something about A with B? Understand that this is all in love and not the least bit malicious - it's about a harmful behavior and A knows that we are concerned about this behavior.
Is it ever OK for friends to talk about a legitimate concern for a mutual friend? In the sense of "how can we help her" and "in what ways should we support her" and "in what ways should we have boundaries"?
Is it OK to have that kind of conversation? Or is is gossip?
I have been so hurt by the "false prayer concern" kind of gossip, I have trouble discerning between what is a legitimate application of concern and what is harmful gossip.
I had made a vow that I would not talk about anyone for any reason "behind their back". If I had a concern I would talk with them directly about it and then leave it up to God to handle it.
But in a situation where several people who love someone are truly concerned about them and want to determine the best way to love this person...what to do?
I know no one can determine the answer for my particular situation.
I want to know what kind of experience, good or bad, you have had with this kind of thing? What did you do?
I have had to deal with this subject in a serious way on several occasions, as I suppose has everyone. I have some questions about the common perception of what constitutes gossip.
A long time ago, Grace did a post about Spiritual Abuse (part II of a series) and I posted on something said in the comments about "false prayer concern". This is one way gossip has really hurt me.
But what I was faced with recently was different.
We all need to "unload", don't we? We all need to talk about people and situations that frustrate us, even if we dearly love the people. Sometimes we need to process a situation or a feeling. Sometimes we need to determine the healthiest way to love someone who is harmin themselves.
Should that "processing" be done between mutual friends? I.e. I am friends with person A and person B, and A and B are also friends. Is it ever appropriate for me to discuss something about A with B? Understand that this is all in love and not the least bit malicious - it's about a harmful behavior and A knows that we are concerned about this behavior.
Is it ever OK for friends to talk about a legitimate concern for a mutual friend? In the sense of "how can we help her" and "in what ways should we support her" and "in what ways should we have boundaries"?
Is it OK to have that kind of conversation? Or is is gossip?
I have been so hurt by the "false prayer concern" kind of gossip, I have trouble discerning between what is a legitimate application of concern and what is harmful gossip.
I had made a vow that I would not talk about anyone for any reason "behind their back". If I had a concern I would talk with them directly about it and then leave it up to God to handle it.
But in a situation where several people who love someone are truly concerned about them and want to determine the best way to love this person...what to do?
I know no one can determine the answer for my particular situation.
I want to know what kind of experience, good or bad, you have had with this kind of thing? What did you do?
Lily, you're right that only you can truly see where that line is.
ReplyDeleteI was also hurt deeply by "prayer request" gossip. Now what I try to do is keep any discussion of a 3rd party to the very barest minimum, if it absoutely can't be avoided. Maybe you can decided to discuss the situation once and agree not to discuss it again unless something drastic warrants? Not knowing the situation, I have no idea if that's feasible.
Praying for your wisdom.
cindy
Thanks for commenting Cindy. You made the original comment that I referred to about "false prayer concern", so I appreciate your input.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking the best measure in any situation where it's necessary to discuss someone else out of genuine love and concern is asking the question "how would that person feel if he/she heard what we were saying about them?"
Some things wouldn't be hurtful or shocking to that person. Some things would.
Does that make sense?
Lily- I guess I never saw the comments on my comment on Grace's blog, or yours. I just went back and read them. Thanks for that.
ReplyDeleteYou make perfect sense. I know you'll be thoughtful and loving in your treatment of this situation.
cindy