I have been reading alot and posting very little lately. So maybe this is a time of soaking up ideas rather than putting forth ideas. I am reading George Barna's Revolution, and I am working on Soul Tsunami - Len Sweet, Generous Orthodoxy - Brian McLaren & Tony Campolo and Blue Shoe - Anne Lamott as well. I am not going to bother with links right now, I think you all are familiar with those books.
I think what is on my mind today is this: I love, relish the encouragement I have found in books and blogs. Support for the church "leaver" in me, support for the radical and evolving faith I seem to posses that I have not found a local niche for. I have healed from this last season in such amazing ways. It's not that I feel total healing - I don't think that ever comes this side of Heaven. But I have come so far in the last year. I have loved having the opportunity to share my pain and my growth here with you. The books I have read, like the A New Kind of Christian (Brian McLaren) series have given me hope that I can find a new way of being a christian, and I have cherished the realization that I am not alone out there. I have seen my liberal self released from decades of conservative oppression in the institutional church (that's not a slam, just a comment) , and I am no longer afraid to say that I do not hold the traditional conservative evangelical views on many subjects.
I realize I certainly have been anything but gracious to the church in general, and to the church I left specifically. I have ranted and raved and spewed venom on my bad days. I have had to work through hate, hate of a system and hate of the people that perpetuate it. I have found that the weight of the realization that I am loved exactly as I am and am free to be the person I am made to be has cast a new light on my feelings towards the church. While I have not yet found anywhere I "fit" I realize that just because I have struggle with the system doesn't mean the system is inherently bad.
Freedom is such a valuable thing. With close friends fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, I am forced to realize how high the price of political freedom is. Every time I turn on the TV lately I hear about the fighting between Israel and it's neighbors. There is a cost to freedom, and there is a cost to being able to have a nation to call "home".
Likewise, I have learned that the cost of spiritual freedom was also exorbitant - it cost us the Life of Christ. But I look at that with awe, not sadness. I see that Jesus so badly wanted us to be free - free to follow God less the constraints of the law - free to worship God without the guilt of sin separating us from Him - that He willingly gave his life to give us this gift. I cannot hold a grudge towards anyone who follow Jesus, no matter how their "walk" might seem from my perspective, regardless of how they practice faith - how they meet or worship or evangelize or understand the Bible or because of their political views or activity. I cannot look with disdain at the church as a building - even though I believe church is a lifestyle not a place - I know that that "place" has been a lifeline for so many people.
We are allowed freedom to worship and honor God in the way we are motivated to do so. As long as our faith centers around Christ, there is little that is not debatable, as we all know by the arguments swirling around the "emerging church" and the incredibly polar perspectives about it.
Here's where I get hung up though - what to do now? I finally feel validated in my journey, I have learned so much and found such great freedom. I have felt safe here in this season and with my friends and family and here on this blog to cry and wail and scream and tear my hair and search and as question and criticize and smile and laugh and live out this season.
But as I feel that I am exiting this season of exile - what to do now? I know I do not fit in traditional church, so how to find something unconventional enough in my area to become a part of it? I am missing fellowship - not in the bible study and accountability sense, but in the love and food and deep conversation sense. It's not that I totally lack fellowship, I have my close circle, but I want to become part of something where I can stretch and expand my horizons and make a difference and love and be loved. Where I can accept and be accepted.
What should we do when we come out of the wilderness season, the season of exile and desert wandering? If I know I don't belong in the the typical church, how to find where I DO belong?
Can someone please write a book about "the next step"? And make it snappy. I need some answers ASAP.
I can't remember whose blog I came via to get here but I have enjoyed visiting.
ReplyDeleteI recently read "Blue Like Jazz" by Don Miller and he had a chapter on the church, subtitled – how I go without getting angry.
It is a good read but basically his answer is "Pray that God will show you a church filled with people who share your interests and values," which is not particularly profound but Miller eventually found a church community which wasn't perfect but suited his personality. Hope you do too.
You are making an awesome confession. I've bben thru that transformation too--and as a pastor it was very unsettling. But that "whirlwind" helped me find grounding in God...as odd as that might seem.
ReplyDeleteI love your book list. May I recommend two more. "Furious Pursuit: Why God will Never Let you God" by Tim King." "Leaving Church: A Memoir of Faith" by Barbara Brown Taylor.
Thanks you for sharing your journey here.
Blessings to you
Susan, I have read Blue Like Jazz and I remember the part you talk about. I guess interestingly enough I lack faith that God will lead me to the "right" place. Isn't that funny? He led us to the church I am on the run from, and there has been so much pain involved in that place that sometimes I fear what He has in store for me next. But I do know He had a purpose in putting me there, so I do have to trust, regardless. I have been praying about it and I feel that He just hasn't shown me the right place yet - but I am trying to keep my eyes (and heart) open so I will know it when I see it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting. It's nice to meet you. I stopped by your blog and will have to check out the book reviews because I am always looking for something good to read.
Kevin - Thanks for the book recommendations - like I just said to Susan I'm always looking for new reading.
ReplyDeleteIt sure has been a hard road to come to a place where I harbor no ill will towards the church institution that has been such an unsafe place for me. But I have always had faith that God would bring me out of it and I am recently realizing that He finally has. It's such a nice feeling!
Thanks for your visit and your thoughts.
I love this because just yesterday I was complaining to myself that I've had no new visitors in a long while. And look - today I've had two!
Hi Lily,
ReplyDeleteI smiled when I read this post. Let me know when you find an answer.
In the meantime, the sense of freedom and healing is nice, isn't it.
Glad it made you smile Grace. If you know or hear of anyone who's writing such a book, let me know, K? ;)
ReplyDelete