Comment Shy

Oh, I'll admit it. I have a disorder called "comment shyness", otherwise known as being a "lurker". In other words, I seldom find myself brave enough to comment on other blogs. There are a few where I feel comfortable, but not many. In part this is because the blogosphere is still primarily a "guys" world. It's also a problem because so many people are so much smarter than I am.

I have a great fear of saying something stupid, which seems to be about 90% of everything I say. Often I will have a comment I want to post on a blog and my thought process goes like this:

Begin to type comment. No wait, that sounds stupid. I don't really know that much about this topic. Delete Delete Delete. Start again. Ok, that's better. Type Type Type. Reread. Uh-oh, I'll bet someone takes that the wrong way. Hm, how can I reword it? Ok, I think I have it. Continue typing. Pause. I wonder if I'm right about that. I better check my sources. Well, it seems I've remembered that concept correctly. Ok, I think I've said what I want to say. Do I seem presumptuous? I don't really know this person, and all the other commenters seem to know them. Ugh. Do I sound bossy or know-it-all? Reread. Make some edits. Be brave. Almost hit the "post comment" button. Wait. I know someone won't like what I said. What if someone wants to argue with me? Delete Delete. Anyhow, these people aren't going to care what I have to say. Oh to heck with it. Delete the whole thing. Ferghedaboudit.

Arrrggggh!

So I did some research.

Wikipedia says "Most lurkers are either shy, feel inadequately educated on a given topic, or are uncomfortable expressing their thoughts in written form on email lists. They enjoy reading others' posts and responses to them, but refrain from adding their own contributions."

Sister Toldjah says "Are you a blogger or commenter who is “comment shy” at other blogs? I didn’t used to be that way - but noticed something about myself this past weekend: I’m reluctant to post comments on other blogs. I do sometimes, but it’s rare. I’m going to have to work on getting over my reluctance. It’s just that a lot of blogs just have their own clique of sorts, and you almost feel like you’re ‘intruding’ on it when you comment. No one has ever made me feel that way, it’s just the way I view it. Is it just me?"

Slashdot takes it seriously: "Lurkers are the biggest single disenfranchised group on the Net and the Web. Even though there are far more Lurkers than participants in most websites that permit posting and open discussions, they are invisible, sometimes counted but almost never seen or heard...The schism between people who post and those who don't is a significant issue for public websites for all sorts of reasons, ranging from the commercial to free speech...This enormous disparity between huge numbers of Lurkers and small numbers of public posters skews agendas, distorts arguments, and, worst of all, drives away countless potential contributors."

Some of my research led to talk of the fear of flaming - Wikipedia defines flaming as "the act of posting messages that are deliberately hostile and insulting, usually in the social context of a discussion board on the Internet." [Actually a thoroughly entertaining Wiki entry - you should make a point to read the entire thing.] This does not impact me, as the blogs I read don't generaly seem to have a problem with flaming, and I generally avoid the ones that do.

Many of the blogs I read periodically ask lurkers to "come out". I almost never do.

I guess I could post my comments anonymously, but honestly I don't believe in that. That's worse than being comment-chicken. Not to say that there aren't legitimate anonymous commenter, but many of them just hide behind anonymity to say things they wouldn't dare to say to the bloggers face.

The worst thing is when my comment is ignored by both the blogger and the other commenters. Not so much on blogs I post on more frequently (for me frequently translates to more than once). But to get up the guts for the first time to delurk and then be completely ignored really stinks. This just perpetuates the fear of commenting. Now I understand that some blogs get so many comments that it's virtually impossible for the blogger to respond to each one. In this case, maybe a veteran commenter on those blogs could at least welcome a newcomer? They occasionally do, but often not.

I fully intend to reply to all comments posted here ... 61 so far. I know I have missed some, and if I have I am sorry. This is not intentional, sometimes Blogger doesn't notify me of comments and I don't see them till way later. Sometimes for reasons unknown to me, Eudora puts my notifications in the trash. The other reason could be being out of town or ill. But I do my very best.

Some people believe that lurking is an admittance of low self-esteem. I don't think this is the overall problem for me. However there is a certain trepidation of saying something in public to someone you don't know, have no relationship with and have never met; among people whom you don't know, have no relationship with and have never met, some of which have at least some level of relationship with each other.

In any case, if anyone knows of support or treatment for this disorder, please feel free to share it with me. Until then, I will do my best. But if I lurk, you'll have to forgive me. And if I link to you without commenting on your blog, it's not because I don't like you ;)

Lily