Sometimes I feel so confined by my life. I guess I get restless. Some days I think there is more to life than a house and cars and "stuff" and school and obligations - in a nutshell, shouldn't we be more preoccupied with God than we are with the American Dream?
I tend to feel as though my modern life shields me from God. My phone, computer, housework, books, stuff stuff stuff ... make me feel as though I can't really see God, just a filtered and distracted version of Him. Our income prevents us from relying on Him, my television prevents me from interacting with Him, my 2000 square foot house prevents me from having time to sit before Him.
Since my diagnosis, I have taken up jogging. This is a completely out of character thing for me, most people around me who've known me very long are shocked at my choice of fitness regimes. I never couuld run a lap around the track (1/4 mile) even in grade school or Jr high. I have just never had any natural stamina for such things and have never had interest in developing it. But hard times require hard measures, and strangeley enough I suddenly found within myself the urge to run. A lot. I have a nice treadmill I inheirited from a friend and I often find myself running to the distraction of The Walton's or Little House on the Prairie reruns.
But since I wasn't going to haul my treadmill with me on vacation, I instead found myself running in the forest near where we were staying.
So when I do the proverbial "getting away from it all" and have the opportunity to spend time with God in nature, it tends to make me even more saddened and disillusioned by my lifestyle. I can feel so lost from God, so lonely for Him ... and "oh Lord, I'll spend some quiet time with you just as soon as I start another load of laundry".
How do we live in the modern world and still succeed at being close with our Creator? I think the "Field Guide to Evangelicals" illustrated this for me in some ways - rather than rising above the need for "stuff", we evangelicals have all these ways we try to fit into the modern consumeristic lifestyle; with our Christian Music, our T-shirts with cute clean sayings on them, even our "Christian" romance novels ... I know the point of these things is to answer to the secular world with our own counterparts ...
but I wonder if the real answer lies not in answering secular with religious, but in realizing that it's our life that is the example, not the things we buy or wear.
What I'm saying is this, I guess:
We don't need our own "Christian" music, our own jewelry, our own clothing, our own entertainment (books, media) to protect us from the secular versions of these things. We fear our tendency to idolize the secular - the top rock bands, the brand name clothing, the films, the books, even the TV shows. So we clean up the secular, slap a fish or something on it and call it "good". But is it still idolizing fashion, music, etc, even if it has a "Christian" message"?
Maybe we need to realize that God wants us to rise above the world, not to counter with Christianized versions of the world. We are to live in the world that God has created - for both good and bad. We can listen to the secular music and still worship God just as much or more than if we listen to good Christian music.
I don't want to have to wear certain clothing or read certain books (the Bible aside) in order to prove to people I'm a Christian. I want my life to evidence that regardless of what I wear. If I wear a "WWJD" t-shirt and still drive like a homicidal maniac, how is that evidencing God to the world? But if I wear GAP or whatever, and still give up my seat on the bus to a pregnant woman because Jesus taught me to care for others, is that more successful in showing where my faith lies?
It's all in the attitude, I guess. I look for God and aim to evidence Him in all places and ways I am able. It doesn't matter what I wear or listen to or watch on tv.
It matters how others see God in me.
Maybe I need to learn to pay more attention to the life I lead than I do with the "stuff" that preoccupies me. Sometimes I just want to get rid of everything so I can be closer to God without all the distractions and conveniences of modern life.
But maybe it's not even the "stuff" that's getting in the way, but my attitude about the "stuff".
In any case I'm sure I seem quite strange for feeling that all my "stuff" prevents me from relating to God in the way and measure I so passionately desire. And that makes me feel frustrated and restless, like It's holding me back from the life He wants for me.
Because when I was away from all the stuff, all the distractions, running in the coastal forest, I felt God like I haven't in a really long time. It's like I only hear/see God with static and interference, but when I got out into nature the interference was suddenly gone. I want to feel that way more often.
I'm not yet sure how to overcome this feeling, so I am just penning it here in the hopes that I will begin to see this phenomenon more clearly.
TTFN.
I tend to feel as though my modern life shields me from God. My phone, computer, housework, books, stuff stuff stuff ... make me feel as though I can't really see God, just a filtered and distracted version of Him. Our income prevents us from relying on Him, my television prevents me from interacting with Him, my 2000 square foot house prevents me from having time to sit before Him.
Since my diagnosis, I have taken up jogging. This is a completely out of character thing for me, most people around me who've known me very long are shocked at my choice of fitness regimes. I never couuld run a lap around the track (1/4 mile) even in grade school or Jr high. I have just never had any natural stamina for such things and have never had interest in developing it. But hard times require hard measures, and strangeley enough I suddenly found within myself the urge to run. A lot. I have a nice treadmill I inheirited from a friend and I often find myself running to the distraction of The Walton's or Little House on the Prairie reruns.
But since I wasn't going to haul my treadmill with me on vacation, I instead found myself running in the forest near where we were staying.
So when I do the proverbial "getting away from it all" and have the opportunity to spend time with God in nature, it tends to make me even more saddened and disillusioned by my lifestyle. I can feel so lost from God, so lonely for Him ... and "oh Lord, I'll spend some quiet time with you just as soon as I start another load of laundry".
How do we live in the modern world and still succeed at being close with our Creator? I think the "Field Guide to Evangelicals" illustrated this for me in some ways - rather than rising above the need for "stuff", we evangelicals have all these ways we try to fit into the modern consumeristic lifestyle; with our Christian Music, our T-shirts with cute clean sayings on them, even our "Christian" romance novels ... I know the point of these things is to answer to the secular world with our own counterparts ...
but I wonder if the real answer lies not in answering secular with religious, but in realizing that it's our life that is the example, not the things we buy or wear.
What I'm saying is this, I guess:
We don't need our own "Christian" music, our own jewelry, our own clothing, our own entertainment (books, media) to protect us from the secular versions of these things. We fear our tendency to idolize the secular - the top rock bands, the brand name clothing, the films, the books, even the TV shows. So we clean up the secular, slap a fish or something on it and call it "good". But is it still idolizing fashion, music, etc, even if it has a "Christian" message"?
Maybe we need to realize that God wants us to rise above the world, not to counter with Christianized versions of the world. We are to live in the world that God has created - for both good and bad. We can listen to the secular music and still worship God just as much or more than if we listen to good Christian music.
I don't want to have to wear certain clothing or read certain books (the Bible aside) in order to prove to people I'm a Christian. I want my life to evidence that regardless of what I wear. If I wear a "WWJD" t-shirt and still drive like a homicidal maniac, how is that evidencing God to the world? But if I wear GAP or whatever, and still give up my seat on the bus to a pregnant woman because Jesus taught me to care for others, is that more successful in showing where my faith lies?
It's all in the attitude, I guess. I look for God and aim to evidence Him in all places and ways I am able. It doesn't matter what I wear or listen to or watch on tv.
It matters how others see God in me.
Maybe I need to learn to pay more attention to the life I lead than I do with the "stuff" that preoccupies me. Sometimes I just want to get rid of everything so I can be closer to God without all the distractions and conveniences of modern life.
But maybe it's not even the "stuff" that's getting in the way, but my attitude about the "stuff".
In any case I'm sure I seem quite strange for feeling that all my "stuff" prevents me from relating to God in the way and measure I so passionately desire. And that makes me feel frustrated and restless, like It's holding me back from the life He wants for me.
Because when I was away from all the stuff, all the distractions, running in the coastal forest, I felt God like I haven't in a really long time. It's like I only hear/see God with static and interference, but when I got out into nature the interference was suddenly gone. I want to feel that way more often.
I'm not yet sure how to overcome this feeling, so I am just penning it here in the hopes that I will begin to see this phenomenon more clearly.
TTFN.
Lily,
ReplyDeleteI complete relate to your thoughts - so much stuff in the way, all with the potential to cloud our view and connection to the Creator. I don't think it ever "goes away," the trick is, how do we put them "aside" so we can see God and hear God more clearly? Extended times of solitude is helping me these past few months - the challenge is, I usually have to wake up at the crack of dawn to have that down time. Stay in touch.
Yeah I hear ya about the solitude. Where to find time for that being a mom of two younguns?
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment. I'll check out your blog and post a thought or two.
yea, much easier said than done - you have to sneak it in where you can - for me now, it's before everyone wakes up. when my kids were little, it was a challenge. back then, the downtime was when they went to sleep. problem was, so did I. When you have young kids, I think the best strategy is to be content experiencing God in the every day details. smiles, laughter, stories. your times of solitude will come my friend.
ReplyDeleteThe good thing is they will both be in school all day starting in the fall. I truly look forward to that.
ReplyDeleteFor now, I seek my moments where I can find them. But there is something to be said for "getting away from it all" and spending some time in nature.