Messy Christian...and Finding God in the World

So I was over at TSK today, reading about the "Bloggies", and discovered a blog I haven't come across before: Messy Christian, written by Elizabeth Tai. I can honestly say that I got a huge kick out of the blog name alone.

The very first thing I usually do when discovering a new blog is to read their "profile" or whatever they call the section of their blog that tells who they are. Not that what I read there defines my interest in or approval of the blog, I just like to know what I have in common with who I'm reading.

So I was reading Elizabeth's (She says on her blog to call her Liz, but that seems a little informal since I just "met" her.) "about me" page, and there was a link to a recent post about her "troubles in church".

This is what I learned:

• She remembers saying this to her Pastor:

"You know, I've never been more miserable in my life than when I'm in church. I don't even know why I bother with church anymore! Of all the people in my life, Christians have let me down the most! They've called me names, they've abandoned me when I needed them most. What in the world should I have anything to do with the church?"

• And she says this about her faith:

"I no longer have any inclination to be the kind of Christian I was three years ago. I prefer being a pew warmer now. That should trouble me ... for a while it did, but now I realise I'm just comfortable where I am. For the first time in my ten years as a Christian, I'm at peace with myself.

For so many years being a Christian meant fighting myself - fighting who I am, fighting what I really wanted - so that I wouldn't give in to the "devil's ploy". That meant smile when you don't mean it, attend a prayer meeting when you don't want to, and be part of a cell group you're miserable in."

• And this:

"Although I don't commit in church much ... I try to live out my mission as a Christian. I consider myself being part of a ministry, but it's not in the church..."

• this:

"I seem to feel more content being involved in something that is outside the church. I know a lot of times my effort falls short, at least by other people's standards, but I have decided not to let their expectations bother me..."

• and this:

"I guess if people realise how irregularly I attend church they'd think that I'm not really serious about Christ or being a Christian. Sometimes I wonder that myself. I wonder if my church mates, pastor or cell group mates are dissapointed that I'm so uncommited. I sometimes wonder if God is."

I have to say...she's my sistah! I can echo every one of those thoughts. Especially the part about "being at peace with myself", after having been "fighting myself" for many years.

For instance, christian friends can't figure out how I can:

a) listen only to secular music
3) drink (responsibly) on occasion
n) play pool or darts in a bar with girlfriends
12) dress like I'm 13
z) not got to organized church very often

and not feel guilty. I'm sorry, did I miss something? What is the greatest commandment..."Love the lord your God and love others". What part of that means "be sure not to ever have any fun, because being bored and miserable will keep you out of trouble"?

Sorry, been there done that bought the t-shirt. Guilt doesn't really deter us from perceived "sinful" behavior. I say "perceived" because I define sin as "doing something God tells me not to". You can say "well, what about the things the Bible says is sin?", and I'll say "when all the denominations agree on whether the above listed behaviors are sin, come talk to me". That's not to say I have free license to do anything I darned well please...I know what the Bible says and I try to avoid the obvious trip-ups. But what about the not-so-obvious? The "permissible" things?

Like Elizabeth said..."fighting who I really am"...just prolongs the inevitable...crashing from exhaustion caused by too many years of not being myself. Is that so terrible?

Part of being OK with myself means telling the truth about myself...not just giving the answers people want to hear. One of those truths is that I find God at least as easily in the world as I do in the Bible, and usually much easier than I find God in the church. If you haven't realized yet, I seem to really have a knack for finding God in unexpected places. Like dance music. Secular films. Stoplights. Coffee.

People think that's weird. I see His handiwork, hear His voice, and feel His presence in the most unexpected places. But when I find Him in a weird place, rather than just assuming it couldn't be God because it's weird... I assume it is God, at least until He tells me otherwise.

I don't think anyone in history has been as weird as God. I don't mean He's bad weird, I mean He's unpredictable, mysterious, and enigmatic. And I love Him for it, that's why we make such a good team...because I'm weird, too, and a weird God makes a whole lot more sense to a weird me than a stable, predictable, knowable God.

And He's a whole lot more fun.