After almost a year I am feeling tugged to return. I know I have said that before...but it's growing...not only internally but externally.
Most of my Blog has been rather Me-centric...it's been my venue for healing...venting...and healing some more. I had to complain aloud to hear how I sound. I have had to face my own bitterness...and look inside as well as outside for the reasons for my pain. In the end (is this really the end? I think not.) I have come to realize that complaining doesn't solve anything...leaving doesn't get me heard...anger doesn't get me healed. And is it really Christ-like to, when faced with something painful...to run? To hide? To whine? Of course not. I knew that all along...I just didn't have it in me to fight...I needed to rest. Resting didn't have to involve complaining...I am human...that was what came out of me in sorting through all this.
I feel the healing I have been through in this season has been priceless...and I know I could not have experienced it IN the church...at least the church that I'm out-of. I look back and can't believe, in retrospect, what a wreck I was when I left. I think back to the condition of my spirituality (I was nearly "done" with God), my frame of mind ( I was nearly "done" with the church permanently), the condition of my emotions (I was ready to throw my marriage away)...
What God has done:
1) Freed me from "religion" and allowed me to be a God-lover rather than a God-defender
2) Freed me from the belief that I must believe/obey what I'm told by others (Pastors, teachers) in blind faith
3) Healed my marriage after 10+ years of struggle (that's a long story)
He's also freed me from most of my coping mechanisms...the unhealthy ways in which I dealt with past and present pain...and not that this freedom is permanent...but I've come so far. I know better how to deal, and I know better how to fight a relapse. My coping mechanisms were non-conventional...but they were destructive nonetheless.
I'm not feeling pressured to return...it's more like a stirring from the inside...like a voice calling from far away...I can't quite articulate it.
Thinking of all the reasons I left...those same reasons now seem like reasons to return. Isn't that strange?
Most of my Blog has been rather Me-centric...it's been my venue for healing...venting...and healing some more. I had to complain aloud to hear how I sound. I have had to face my own bitterness...and look inside as well as outside for the reasons for my pain. In the end (is this really the end? I think not.) I have come to realize that complaining doesn't solve anything...leaving doesn't get me heard...anger doesn't get me healed. And is it really Christ-like to, when faced with something painful...to run? To hide? To whine? Of course not. I knew that all along...I just didn't have it in me to fight...I needed to rest. Resting didn't have to involve complaining...I am human...that was what came out of me in sorting through all this.
I feel the healing I have been through in this season has been priceless...and I know I could not have experienced it IN the church...at least the church that I'm out-of. I look back and can't believe, in retrospect, what a wreck I was when I left. I think back to the condition of my spirituality (I was nearly "done" with God), my frame of mind ( I was nearly "done" with the church permanently), the condition of my emotions (I was ready to throw my marriage away)...
What God has done:
1) Freed me from "religion" and allowed me to be a God-lover rather than a God-defender
2) Freed me from the belief that I must believe/obey what I'm told by others (Pastors, teachers) in blind faith
3) Healed my marriage after 10+ years of struggle (that's a long story)
He's also freed me from most of my coping mechanisms...the unhealthy ways in which I dealt with past and present pain...and not that this freedom is permanent...but I've come so far. I know better how to deal, and I know better how to fight a relapse. My coping mechanisms were non-conventional...but they were destructive nonetheless.
I'm not feeling pressured to return...it's more like a stirring from the inside...like a voice calling from far away...I can't quite articulate it.
Thinking of all the reasons I left...those same reasons now seem like reasons to return. Isn't that strange?
Lily- thanks for sharing these details. Since I haven't been reading here long, you filled in a lot of blanks with this post.
ReplyDeleteI praise God that the last year has been so healing for you.
Keep listening. God's voice is in the whisper. 1 Kings 19:9-12
Thanks Cindy...that's a very good passage...one of my favs.
ReplyDeleteHopefully, as I think I have noticed in recent weeks...my blog-thoughts will become less whining and more constructive as time passes...
Thanks for reading.