no particular reason. i guess periodically i have to evaluate whether or not i'm on the right track with God in any particular area of life. not that i'm off track...
i think it's like this...God generally just let's us know where we're going with Him one step at a time...i believe occasionally He reveals the big picture to us...but for day-to-day life i think we just have to know the step we're on and look for the next one. that's it.
i'm not saying this is a BAD thing...quite the opposite. then we don't get too fixated on where we're going, or even fixate on the process...and we have to ultimately trust that God will provide the next place to set our feet...and eventually He'll get us to where He wants us to go.
like in "raiders of the lost ark" (i think?) ...we can't see how to get from here to there (wherever "there" is on our journey...the next place of rest?) until we take a step of faith...suddenly a stepping-stone appears underfoot. and another. and another.
but what about when that "next step" is elusive...i've never before felt so unsure of what to do next. that's not to say that i believe i must always be "doing" something...in fact's how i got myself in trouble in the first place. i was "doing" when i was supposed to be standing still.
now i fear the reverse is true...am i standing still when i am supposed to be stepping? how do i know? i usually feel God is only a heartbeat away...He's so near...and it's not that i feel He's not near...i just can't see Him clearly enough to know if He's ahead of me, bidding me come, or if He's right next to me, standing here with me, telling me to be patient while i await the next step.
22 months ago, He bid me "rest" and i did not listen. 14 months ago He bid me again...and I reluctantly complied. begrudgingly. hesitantly. 12 months ago...as if He were saying "can you hear me now!?"...He knocked me down...literally...i know people don't like to attribute "bad" things to God, but it's true. He knocked me flat on my back and said "If you won't REST when I tell you, I will have to MAKE you! It's for your own good!"...and i think it was one of the best things that's ever happened to me...
and I've been "resting ever since. i've been resting for a year. a YEAR. in the beginning it was complete rest. there was nothing left of my faith but Him. i was a "bedridden christian" (literally and figuratively). gradually He's been adding stuff back in...one thing at a time. carefully and precisely...the only thing left that He hasn't added back in now is "church"...and that's where I'm stuck.
it's not that i think i HAVE to be in church because christians are supposd to be in church. anyone who has read here very long knows that. it's that i KNOW i am going to return...He told me so...anyone who's been reading here very long knows that, too. He has never realeased me from "church"...not entirely...not yet anyhow...He certainly still could...but until i know differently, i will stick to what i know...that He wants me to return someday.
should i wait for a sign? like a clear shout? or should i take a step of faith and actually "go" somewhere? i am SO SO fearful of returning...and all i hear right now is whispering...i know God is in the whisper (as Cindy pointed out the other day in a comment)... and i've heard that whisper before...
but what if the whisper is so quiet i can't quite make out what it's saying?
just wondering.
i think it's like this...God generally just let's us know where we're going with Him one step at a time...i believe occasionally He reveals the big picture to us...but for day-to-day life i think we just have to know the step we're on and look for the next one. that's it.
i'm not saying this is a BAD thing...quite the opposite. then we don't get too fixated on where we're going, or even fixate on the process...and we have to ultimately trust that God will provide the next place to set our feet...and eventually He'll get us to where He wants us to go.
like in "raiders of the lost ark" (i think?) ...we can't see how to get from here to there (wherever "there" is on our journey...the next place of rest?) until we take a step of faith...suddenly a stepping-stone appears underfoot. and another. and another.
but what about when that "next step" is elusive...i've never before felt so unsure of what to do next. that's not to say that i believe i must always be "doing" something...in fact's how i got myself in trouble in the first place. i was "doing" when i was supposed to be standing still.
now i fear the reverse is true...am i standing still when i am supposed to be stepping? how do i know? i usually feel God is only a heartbeat away...He's so near...and it's not that i feel He's not near...i just can't see Him clearly enough to know if He's ahead of me, bidding me come, or if He's right next to me, standing here with me, telling me to be patient while i await the next step.
22 months ago, He bid me "rest" and i did not listen. 14 months ago He bid me again...and I reluctantly complied. begrudgingly. hesitantly. 12 months ago...as if He were saying "can you hear me now!?"...He knocked me down...literally...i know people don't like to attribute "bad" things to God, but it's true. He knocked me flat on my back and said "If you won't REST when I tell you, I will have to MAKE you! It's for your own good!"...and i think it was one of the best things that's ever happened to me...
and I've been "resting ever since. i've been resting for a year. a YEAR. in the beginning it was complete rest. there was nothing left of my faith but Him. i was a "bedridden christian" (literally and figuratively). gradually He's been adding stuff back in...one thing at a time. carefully and precisely...the only thing left that He hasn't added back in now is "church"...and that's where I'm stuck.
it's not that i think i HAVE to be in church because christians are supposd to be in church. anyone who has read here very long knows that. it's that i KNOW i am going to return...He told me so...anyone who's been reading here very long knows that, too. He has never realeased me from "church"...not entirely...not yet anyhow...He certainly still could...but until i know differently, i will stick to what i know...that He wants me to return someday.
should i wait for a sign? like a clear shout? or should i take a step of faith and actually "go" somewhere? i am SO SO fearful of returning...and all i hear right now is whispering...i know God is in the whisper (as Cindy pointed out the other day in a comment)... and i've heard that whisper before...
but what if the whisper is so quiet i can't quite make out what it's saying?
just wondering.
hey decomp
ReplyDeleteYes, knowing if we are in step with God's will for our lives is always a matter of faith.
I have learned over the years that the Lord will always require faith on my part, always, and that I can trust him to alert me if I am headed in the wrong direction. Doors will close. Opportunities will shut down. Or, doors will suddenly open and circumstances come together in the just the right time.
It is always a matter of faith to follow him and his dreams for our lives.
I had a great time hangin' with you the other day. We'll hook up again soon!
Thanks for the encouragement. Someone once told me (can't remember who) that when in doubt about something...a decision for instance...and the answer isn't obvious (like none of the available options are sin) we have to use the Spirit God has given us to make a choice.
ReplyDeleteThen we pray "OK God, I'm unsure about what to do here. In my imperfect human wisdom [choice A] seems like the best option. I'm going to walk through this door. If this isn't your will, please close the door. Amen."
I don't know, I'm still sittin' on my decision. Not feeling certain at all right now. I mean the intention to return is there, but I am still so conflicted.I'm trying hard to be quiet in order to hear that whisper.
Talk to you soon!