Narnia

So we saw Narnia this week.

Hm.

As a girl, I read the books with passionate interest. It's been a whole lotta years, and although I am foggy on the details, I have to say I could have easily left disappointed. That's not to say I disliked it or thought it was poorly done, I just was ambivalent. I didn't feel any passion for the film, it seemed to lack the ability to stir my emotions.

At least when I looked at it through the eyes of a "regular" viewer.

But I'm not a regular viewer. I know the secrets, the inside story. I know the allegory and analogy this story contains.

I saw this film, and I went away changed.

When I let my heart and spirit view Aslan as Jesus, something stirred in me. Something awakened. The brutality, the shame, and yet He was calm and willing.

I never saw "The Passion of the Christ". I have my reasons. I have the greatest respect for those who saw and loved the film, for those who were moved or changed by it. I just didn't feel compelled, I didn't believe it would really contribute anything to faith. That's just me.

But Narnia...I think it did for me what The Passion may have done for others. Most of you who see Narnia won't probably be affected the way I was.. That's just fine. Call me crazy, but I felt, EXPERIENCED, an understanding of the crucifixion like never before.

Here we are, wandering in the woods, unaware of the dangers that lurk. Sometimes our exploration leads to love and friendship, sometimes it leads to danger. But it always leads to the need for our Aslan to save us from the evils that threaten us.

And He fights...He wars, but when the ultimate price is demanded for our sins, He is willing to die in our place. Every time. Willing. Not forced or compelled, but WILLING. Only because He loves us, not because we are worthy, not because of some sense of pity or because there is something in it for Him. Just love.

But the powers of darkness don't really know what they are dealing with.

They misunderstand.

They think that by killing our King they can win the war!

They don't know that He will be resurrected every time.

Happy New Year!

Most of you that have ever ventured here have already celebrated and are sound asleep in bed...we have about 90 minutes to go, and I am reflecting on the year.

What a year it was! I am floored by God's goodness as I think of what I have been through in the last 12 months...the pain, the drama, the lonliness...the restoration, the freedom, the joy! I don't think I have ever had such a roller-coaster year...I think I have been through the most emotionally thorough year I could imagine.

But here I am in the closing of 2005. What to say? Today I was blessed and overwhelmed by the love exhibited by two friends...friends who until today I wasn't sure where I stood with. Now I know, and I am refreshed and encouraged for the new year.

I am looking into the future and see a return to church. I am trying. I want to go back for the good reasons...as much as I want to stay away for the bad reasons. I am looking to a friend a generation older than I to help guide me through re-integration. I don't know how long it will take, and frankly I'm much more concerned with my health than I am with a timeline.

I realized something today...one reason I have been staying away is because I don't want to contaminate those around me...I want to be thoroughly healed enough to return knowing I won't express bitterness and frustration to those who are still church-centric.

Who am I kidding...I don't WANT to go back...I feel like I am being told to go back by the Man Upstairs...and it scares the bejeebbers out of me. What if...what if...what if? I can't waste time wondering, it tears me apart to worry about the what if's.

I don't know and I don't want to know. I just want to follow. It's the least I can do for the Guy who has resolved my issues and restored my heart all year long. I don't know how He's going to get me through this, but I imagine He will.

I am scared of so many things and some days I don't know how to deal. Then I have a day like today where my friends come through for me, help me celebrate my birthday (it was a few days ago) and love on me...and I think maybe I will make it.

Who knows? But this year more than last, I know Who I can trust...good or bad...pretty or ugly...saint or sinner...I have a Guardian.

Welcome, 2006!

Man in the Mirror

I can't help it, but this song came to mind today...

Man in the Mirror

(written in part by Siedah Garrett - check out her re-recording of it...
...visit her site and go to "Music")

I'm gonna make a change
For once in my life
It's gonna feel real good
Gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right...

As I turn up the collar on my favorite winter coat
This wind is blowin' my mind
I see the kids in the street, with not enough to eat
Who am I to be blind?
Pretending not to see their needs
A summer's disregard, a broken bottle top
And one man's soul
They follow each other on the wind ya' know
'Cause they got nowhere to go
That's why I want you to know

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change

I've been a victim of a selfish kind of love
It's time that I realize
That there are some with no home, not a nickel to loan
Could it be really me, pretending that they're not alone?

A willow deeply scarred, somebody's broken heart
And a washed-out dream
They follow the pattern of the wind, ya' see
Cause they got no place to be
That's why I'm starting with me

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change

You gotta get it right, while you got the time
'Cause when you close your heart
You can't close your... your mind!

Reflections on 2005

On Christmas Eve, on the 45 minute drive to a relative's house, I was looking out the window into the night sky. There were stars out, and I suddenly felt joy. It came out of nowhere, I wasn't reflecting on anything in particular...just looking into the night. I was overwhelmed with how God has been there for me in the last year, both my darkest and lightest year ever. I was moved to tears with the amazing ways in which He has loved me and shown Himself to me during this journey I'm on. I'm awed at how faithful He's been, sticking by me in my darkest days, when I could not say anything to Him other than "I know you are with me". In those days when I wondered if I could hold onto my faith at all, let alone remain a "practicing" Christian, those days and nights when I yelled and screamed at Him, when I stomped my feet and cried and told Him to that if this (the institutional, evangelical faith I have experienced most of my life) is what Christianity is really all about, then I want no part of it. During those times, He would whisper in my ear something so soft and gentle that it would calm my spirit and let me know He was still there, that He would not abandon me in my "crisis of ecclesiology".

So looking out the window on Christmas Eve, I told Him I was prepared for whatever He has in store for me in 2006, and that I will give myself to it. For the first time in so long, I felt a twinge of excitement when thinking about church...almost hoping in this journey in the next year that He will give me a place in the church where I can shout and be heard. But mostly hoping for a chance to quietly be there for someone else who is having similar crises.

I honestly don't know what is in store...I still cannot imagine having the strength to set foot in that building where I have experienced so much pain, and yet I can see myself there again. Maybe the first step will be the hardest...facing the smug attitudes I know will be there...the ones who will say, "We're so glad you're back"...the same people who have not once been there for me in the 12 months I have been MIA. The people who will exchange knowing glances as I walk by..."Oh I always knew she'd be back, she needs this place. She needs US."

Oh, I don't really know how to articulate it, but if you've been out you can probably relate.

But I find myself hopeful, for me and for the church in general....this year will bring changes, some good, some bad, but hopefully the cumulative result will be movement towards a more grace-based, free, Christ-like church.

I will do my part, to the best that God's grace and spirit allow me.

...And Another One Down...

Well, I guess my prayers were answered...sort-of.

If you recall, our oldest started the stomache flu late Friday night the 23rd, and I began to pray that no one else would get sick...or if they HAD to get sick, that it would wait until after Christmas was officially over. After midnight on the 25/26th.

So promptly at 1:00 AM on the 26th, son # 2 got sick...been fighting with it all day, still is. Talked with some of my Husband's relatives in Indiana yesterday, I guess they had it earlier in the month. How do we know? This particular bug is characterized by the inability to wake said sick child...so as to get them to the bathroom...this led to a number of royal messes to clean up.

Sorry for sharing...but I wanted to say that God did come through...no illness was permitted to ruin Christmas.

Amen.

Forgive me...and Worship in a Barn

You'll have to forgive my last post...I was in a mood. It's a personal story, but certain situations in my family of origin have everyone on edge, including me. My words may have came out of me on the wrong side, and I'm sorry for any bitterness or anger that may have appeared.

What I really was getting to is this: Why is Christmas so difficult...if it is, does that mean we are doing something wrong? I am not speaking corporately...just regarding my personal experience in my own family. If Christmas leads to fighting, should we rethink what our practice of Christmas looks like? This may not be true in your family, but for many of you I'd be willing to bet it is.

Should we re-evaluate our expectations? Should we take some time to look carefully at which traditions are valuable to preserve as they are, and which might need some tweaking or adjusting? Should we really think about what the spirit behind gift-giving and family gatherings should be?

When I get to thinking about Jesus' humble origins...what He came to represent...what He came to LIVE out on this earth...the one thing God thought was SO important for us to learn that He had to send His SON, in PERSON, to teach us...or maybe we needed a LIVING example, because we just weren't "getting it" by reading the written word alone. What is "IT"? Well, I think the obvious answer is LOVE. So I would imagine that if we assume LOVE was Jesus' central messge, then maybe He would want us to us to have LOVE as the central focus of the Holy-day that celebrates His birth.

As I think about humility, I wonder what I could learn by spending some time worshipping Jesus in a barn once in a while, around the livestock and all their "accessories"...really living the environment just like the one where God chose to send His son. I wonder what impact that would have on me, thinking with the sounds and the smells and reflecting on Jesus' birth.

I wonder what it would change about my perspective of Christmas.

It's Christmas and We're All in Misery...

Why do we fight at Christmas? I don't know about your family, but there always seems to be some kind of conflict in my extended/family of origin at Christmas. ON Christmas. It doesn't really matter what it was about today...at least this time was about some serious subject matter and not something petty like whose turn it was to cook the turkey. But still.

I have been thinking about it all evening. I'm not saying there aren't arguments other times of year, but why so bad, and so predictably, at Christmas, of all times?

Friday night hubby and I fought about whether the Santa gift should be the biggest gift or the smallest one. Why, after 9 years of children, has this come up NOW? Last night, on the way home from some relatives, hubby and I argued (for the millionth time) about how to divide up Christmas between our two families. We know it's about give and take...but we never resolve it.

Then today my entire family was a bit of a mess. It's complex and serious, having to do with Grandma and Grandpa (my Mom's parents) and the challenges of their current health conditions and what to do about it. It's especially hard for Mom, I'll post about the situation someday, but at this time her emotions are raw due to her parents conditions, making Christmas a challenge for her.

But really it's all just different manifestations of the same thing. Why?

I guess it's about expectations...we all have them about Christmas, and we are always irritable because of those expectations. It's about stress...certainly...and there's no need for explanation about that. It's about being overtired, which will make us all edgy. Sometimes I think it's about satan, trying to rob us of our Joy in this season.

I think in the end, though, it's about what we've made Christmas to be here in America, and probably in much of the Western world, though I wouldn't know first-hand.

We have ceased making it about love. I mean, it's about love, but it's also about parties and meals and events and gifts and money and shopping and decorations and...

...and it's self-perpetuating...hard as we try to break out of the cycle of Christmas with all it's cost and shopping and stress and cooking and cleaning and wrapping and partying etc. etc., we just can never make it change very much.

We are inflexible. We think tradition means having everything exactly the same every year...what if "tradition" is more about the people than the methods to the madness?

The same is true about Christianity in general, what if it's more about the people than the methods?

We recently saw the movie "Christmas with the Krank's", based on John Grisham's novel "Skipping Christmas". I read the novel several years ago, and thought that there was a lot of spiritual food in that movie. It really sums up the problem with the "Christmas Condition".

Luther and Nora Krank's daughter Blair is grown and decides to spend Christmas away from home. The Krank's are typically known for a huge neighborhood Christmas Eve shin-dig with lights and food and the works, but this year with Blair away, Luther and Nora decide to "skip Christmas" with all it's stress and costs, and go on a cruise instead. They figure when all is said and done, the cruise will be less expensive than Christmas.

They go the whole nine yards...no tree, no gifts, no party, no lights, no "Frosty" on the roof. This decision riles a good number of their friends and neighbors, who can't accept this change in the usual Christmas traditions. Certain in-fighting ensues. The Krank's stick to their guns, but at the last minute they discover Blair IS coming home (with her new fiancee in tow) as a surprise, and they have to put their Christmas Eve together in a matter of a few hours. The neighborhood puts aside their chagrin with Luther and Nora, and rally around them, pulling it all together, predictably, at the very last minute. They find that the party does go on, even without the "honey ham" and the "Frosty" on the roof. They discover it's about the company, not the conditions.

We have made it about dollars and cents, lights and trees, packages and bows, the "honey ham" the "Frosty" on the roof, and the big party we're expected to throw. We do a lot of it in the name of "tradition", wanting to pass it on to our kids and grand-kids. But are we really doing them a service by what we're choosing to pass on to them? Where Jesus used to take a back-seat, now He's nowhere to be found...my family doesn't even attend a Christmas service, with it being too "inconvenient" in light of other festivities.

But what it's really about is family and friends, coming together to celebrate a common Joy. The company. Not the conditions.

How to break out of this cycle? I mean, we try to feel like we have a simple Christmas in my family, simple by some measures, at least. But if it still makes us all so short-tempered and testy, then we are doing something wrong. I don't think Jesus would be very proud, myself included (even first on the list) as a progenitor of the problem.

I will be the first to admit that I have a serious Christmas problem. This isn't about other people and what they are doing wrong, or at least misguidedly. It's about recognizing it in myself and then thinking about what to do about it.

If I can find a way, this stops with me. It's not that I intend to eliminate all tradition, gift giving and festivity, but is there a healthier way to do it? A pattern more loyal the the ONE we are supposed to be celebrating?

I'll spend the next year searching for the answers.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

most of it's wrapped and under the tree
i'm pretty sure there's at least one for me
stockings are hung and cookies are made
and we've already been to the light parade

but OH! What is THIS! A child in the bathroom!
OH NO, it couldn't be...the sick sound of doom!
he's spilling his guts at the porcelain throne
i can't help but stand in the doorway and moan

the timing impeccable for the onset of flu
i scratch my head and think "what to do?"
if we go to the party tonight or tomorrow
we'll pass it along, to everyone's sorrow

will there even be Christmas without family
and carols and cookies and giftwrap and glee?
what should we do....the kids will be sad
if we stay home alone, can Christmas even be had?

well the day isn't over, the outlook can change
but if it doesn't the plans will rearrange
and through it all Christmas will still come
as long as we remember it's about a SON!

As promised...

a bit of pleasant Christmas reflection.

each year i try to take away something new from the holiday season. i do not use the word "holiday" in the politically correct sense, but the thanksgiving-christmas-new year's sense. and i have a birthday in there somewhere as well, which adds to the learning curve.

what have i learned this year? usually by this time i will have some profound insight about mary's pregnancy or the magi. this year, just this morning when i thought my inspirations had failed me, i read something interesting in the newspaper. an article in the Oregonian, titled "Jesus: Home Version Evidence is Varied, Plentiful" or "Not So Far Away in a Manger", by Nancy Haught.

The article discussses the wherefore's of Jesus' birth, saying it's possible that most western translations of the Gospel of Luke may be wrong in their interpretations of the greek word "kataluma" - which in western versions is written as "inn", but it may also mean "guest room", "dining room" or "upper room" of a private home. The article goes on to say "Bethlehem was Joseph's hometown. It's very likely that Joseph could have found some relatives who would have taken them in."..."Inns were scarce in first-century villages, and it would have been more likely that Joseph and Mary were looking for relatives to take them in as they finished their business in Bethlehem." you can read the article for more information...it's not really the atticle that i want to comment on, but something it brings to mind.

with the raging debates between traditional and pomerging churches...i glean some insight. i look at the broadway-calibur productions many modern evangelical churches put on each week, the one-man shows, the huge state-of-the-art buildings....and i wonder...what happened to the humble beginnings of Christ's church? and i don't mean the beginning's of the first real "churches" the disciples planted...but further back to where it all began...Christ's birth.

in the stable of a "city" inn or the stable of some welcoming relatives...there doesn't seem to be any debate that He was born among livestock and slept in a manger. that there was no room in the "kataluma" - however you want to translate it- seems ironic.

is there room for Jesus in these places of worship we call "churches"? do we sit with wonder and awe that HE CHOSE to come to earth, and that God CHOSE to put him in a manger in a stable, rather than in a fancy-schmancy hotel? or do we worry about the lighting and the sound and the offering and the condition of the carpet and whether or not we will be able to afford that new building.

maybe i'm not being very articulate. then again, maybe you get the gist of what i'm saying.

i guess to sum it up, rather than worship in ceasar's palace (no, not the Vegas hotel) with it's fancy furnishings and marble and tile and great acoustics...

i would rather worship in a stinking stable surrounded by mooing, neighing, grunting, excrement and hay...because that's where HE is! That's where HE chose to come into being.

humble? yes. Divine? YES.

are you discouraged right now...?

This came into my inbox a few minutes ago...timely of course.

From NRN

------------------

Are you discouraged right now?

A word of encouragement:God calls Abram out of Ur of the Chaldeas. On the journey to a land that he has never seen God gives him a new name. He becomes Abraham. A new identity and a new assignment.

God takes Jacob off into Mesopotamia. There he wrestles with God and gets a new name. Israel. And he walks the rest of his life with a limp. A new identity and a new assignment.

Saul of Tarsus has everything figured out. He is aggressively killing Christians for God. On his way to Damascus he encounters Jesus. He becomes Paul. A new identity and a new assignment.

God is changing your name, right now, in the wilderness place you have found yourself. Accept the new name and get ready to walk into the destiny of the new assignment.

David Bodine, Editor
Next Reformation News

for those "friends" who choose to judge me...

"When you Look at Me" - Christina Milian

Tell me, who do you think you see
You're standing in your corner looking out on me
You think I'm so predictable
Tell me, who do you think I am
Looks can be deceiving
Better guess again
Tell me what you see
When you look at me

You're probably thinking that I want those things
Cash, cars, diamond rings
Thinking on my side the grass is green
But you don't know where I have been
I could be a wolf in disguise
I could be an angel in your eyes

Never judge a book by its cover
I could be your crook or your lover
I could be the one or the other
If you'd look beneath you'd discover
You just don't know me

Tell me who do you think you see
You're standing in your corner looking out on me
You think I'm so predictable
Tell me who do you think I am
Looks can be deceiving
Better guess again
Tell me what you see
When you look at me

You look at your neighbor thinking "what a guy"
'Cos he's got a nine to five
And I bet you don't realize
He stalks you while you sleep at night
But you're scared of the homeless guy
Think he's gonna wanna start a fight

Never judge a book by its cover
I could be your crook or your lover
I could be the one or the other
If you'd look beneath you'd discover
You just don't know me

Tell me who do you think you see
You're standing in your corner looking out on me
You think I'm so predictable
Tell me who do you think I am
Looks can be deceiving
Better guess again
Tell me what you see
When you look at me

trying to keep the focus...and failing miserably

maybe i'm a grinch but i'm really not in the mood today. if you want to hear about the joy of the holidays, read no further here, come back tomorrow instead.

today i'm in a complaining mood. so sue me.

i want Christmas to be simple and gentle and peaceful. instead i get stressed-out, over-worked, under-sleeped and un-appreciated.

why...why...why...as i bang my head against the wall. each year i try to simplify...and it always fails. i try to buy less gifts for less people with less money...i try to make or bake gifts, and i try to make everyone happy. no one really likes the fact that i make or bake, i guess it seems cheap or something...so this year i have bought.

it's especially hard when splitting up the holidays between my family and my husband's. i'm sorry but i can't please both my mother and my mother-in-law and my husband and my kids and myself. we have a system that works and is designed to keep the stress off me, everyone knows what to expect on the subject of whose family we spend Christmas eve or Christmas day with...but invariably someone wants us to adjust it "just this year"...it might be grandpa's last christmas...or someone has a new house this year and they want to celebrate in it...i'm sure it's insensitive of me but i'm sorry, my "sensitive" ran out two weeks ago.

something's gotta give. usually it's me.

and this year the kids were let out of school on the 16th. why...oh why...can't they go to school until the 22nd like i did when i was a kid?

and inevitably, i find out several people are planning to give me gifts when i wasn't planning to give them one...not because they were cut off my list, but because i have never exchanged gifts with them before.

so as i sit in my living room wrapping about a million gifts all by myself...even though hubby has the day off (tomorrow too)...gifts i bought all by myself, gifts i bought without forgetting anyone and staying to a strict budget and still being sure to get the kids something they asked for...

and i have two bathrooms torn apart...not completely but might as well be for the freakin' mess...

and i have a puppy who likes to take boxes out of the cupboard (today it was cornbread mix, yesterday cereal, the day before crackers) for a snack...when she's not digging in the mud in the yard because i'm too darned sick to go out in the cold and supervise her...

and to top it all off i have this stinkin cold that won't quit but i haven't been staying out of the cold enough or getting enough sleep like i should so i can't get well...

and i have this lovely anticlimactic right-after-Christmas birthday....that means i'm a year older and wrinklier and jigglier (and I'm supposed to be in a good mood this week?)

and my mom calls me and in the course of conversation it comes out that for the first time in her adult life she's not sending Christmas cards because she didn't have one single good thing to say this year...and somehow i'm supposed to have something encouraging to say...

i am trying to remember why it is we're supposed to be joyful and excited and celebrating...

any clues? not me.

ask me again in January. i'm going to bed.

Playing Dress-up

When I was a girl, my sister and I would play dress-up. We had a big box of grown-up clothes, high heels, wigs and Avon samples (yes, mom was an Avon lady once), especially those little tiny lipstick samples. We wanted to look like grown-up ladies instead of the girls we were.

We could spend hours in the basement, trying on different outfits (many were 60's and 70's) stumbling around in high-heeled shoes that were 6 sizes too big, putting makeup all over our faces. Mom would take pictures for posterity and tell us how pretty we were.

Eventually we would tire of our adult personas. We would change back into our 4-and-8-year-old-clothes and go back to the realm of girlhood. We never really wanted to be adults at that time...we would not have traded girlhood frivolity for adult responsibility for anything. We knew it was so much better to be a kid. We knew it was just for play and we liked it that way.

If Jesus said to be like little children, I would hope we would listen. We can play dress-up, wearing clothes that are too big and putting makeup on our faces to seem older and wiser and more mature. But I hope we would also do this with glee, knowing we really are little children, not adults. That we would be serious only when need be, and then we would slip quickly back into childhood, sitting at the feet of our teacher, laughing, giggling, being silly.

I would hope that we not make our faith up into something serious and adult - something that cannot be wild and crazy and unpredictable.

I hope the theme song of my faith is "I Won't Grow Up", from Peter Pan.

I won't grow up (I won't grow up)
I don't want to go to school (I don't want to go to school)
Just to learn to be a parrot (Just to learn to be a parrot)
And recite a silly rule (And recite a silly rule)

If growing up means it would be
beneath my dignity to climb a tree,
I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up
Not me! Not I! Not me! No way!

I won't grow up (I won't grow up)
I don't want to wear a tie (I don't want to wear a tie)
And a serious expression (And a serious expression)
In the middle of July (In the middle of July)

And if it means I must prepare
To shoulder burdens with a worried air,
I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up
Not me! Not I !Not me! So there!

Our wish to you!

candy stripes and chocolate balls
red-trimmed tress and pine-decked halls
wraping paper, ribbon, bows
something in me GLOWS

sugar, cinnamon and mint
never offering a hint
what's inside this Christmas gift?
EMBER'S spread is swift

candles, fires and snowflakes
pumpkin pie and a fruitcake
all help to make the season bright
i see a brilliant LIGHT

stockings hang and angels sing
wind whistles, bells will ring
once upon a time a SON
FORGAVE everyone

a new year fast approaches
as winter's wrath encroaches
our gentle prayer for you is joy
thanks to a BABY BOY

Winter Weather, Crazy Drivers and Deception

I like to look for spirituality in unexpected and everyday places, so bear with me. I want my vision of my God to expand beyond the printed words I know so well. I want to experience His love and lessons out in the world He created and by the things He's created through people.

We have just had out first real taste of winter this year in the Willamette Valley/PDX. It's been downright frigid (well, frigid for the ever-mild Pacific Northwest) for over a week, with highs right near freezing and 40-60 MPH winds in our area. Wind chill of about 10 degrees. This afternoon the moisture moved in, falling as freezing rain (the worst) in some areas, but just snow where we are...so far...they are saying to expect ice accumulation overnight. If you ever have been in an ice storm, it's the worst. If you worry about your power going out, you can almost count on it in an ice storm.

So we now have, in many areas, a layer of ice under a layer of snow. Very deceptive. Looks good enough to drive on, nice and fluffy...with an evil layer of slippy-slidey underneath.

Some of you in the midwest think we here in the Pacific NW are sissy when it comes to winter weather. Well, we just don't have a lot of experience with it. Our power grids are not designed for it, our emergency services aren't well equipped for it, and our drivers have very little practice driving in it. But...we can deal with heavy rain like no one else.

Two years ago we had what the news stations proudly called a "major snow event", and not to laugh at other's misfortune, but we had some hilarious situations with our drivers. In one, we had a series of cars sliding down a big hill, and one guy hopped out of his car and stood in front of it with his arms outstretched, as if to push on the hood of the car to stop it from sliding.

I will proudly admit that I DON'T drive in this weather. I guess I would in an absolute emergency, but since we are a short walk from the grocery store, the video store, and several kinds of fast-food, I can stay out of the car for some time if need be. Two years ago, during our last "major winter weather ice and snow storm event", I didn't drive anywhere for 10 days. Our power stayed on and we watched TV and videos. When I got tired of TV, I read...

In the past our worst winter weather seemed to come after Christmas. In my lifetime I can only remember one white Christmas, and far from adding to the merriment, we had to cancel the family gatherings because the roads, as usual, were coated with ice under the snow. With this storm, we might be house-bound for 3 or so days, and this can pose serious problems for some people a week before Christmas. I'm nearly done with shopping, so I'm not terribly worried. But some people will still venture out in this horrible weather to shop. I guess I wonder why we risk ourselves in the name of material things (i.e. presents). I guess I can assume that if I didn't have my kids gifts taken care of, I might venture out in dread of their disappointment. But the adults in my life would just have to understand that I had no control over the inclement weather, and I'm sure they would be just as happy with a gift a week after Christmas if circumstances dictated it. In my family, it's not unheard of to get an IOU from someone for Christmas...if a gift didn't arrive in time, wasn't finished, or any number of other reasons.We wrap them up in boxes with bows, just like a regular gift.

In any case we have the best public transportation system in the nation...please USE it people! It's cheap and safe and always there. My husband has to commute all the way across town (25 miles each way), but even he will take public transportation rather than drive when the weather is like this.

So I have three observations...

One...ice under snow and deception...that's a pretty obvious one. The devil will cover a slippery slope with a layer of fluffy white powder...it shines so brilliantly in the sunshine, it's just beautiful...I think I'll go out and play in it. A voice says...you better test your traction before you go running out there! But I think to myself, it's just snow, how bad can it be? Whoa...whoops... and down I go! Wow, I sure didn't see the ice under there. Now I'm bruised and battered, and I sheepishly crawl back into the house for some hot cocoa and a Good Book, and I will remember next time to check for deception before I go bounding out the door.

Two...we are only good at guarding ourselves against things we have experience with. So a situation that one person might be a pretty safe driver in could be a spiritual four-wheel land-mine for me. But the same is true in the reverse.

Three...why do we go chasing after material things at our peril? Why will we risk our safety and well-being to pursue "things", even if those things are gifts for others? Can we see that our health is the greatest gift we can give those we love?

I guess one last thought...when we have weather like this...take the opportunity to spend time "in" with your family, maybe catch up on some Good Reading or movies, and take a moment to ponder the everyday lessons in life.

Closed on Christmas?

OK, I have to weigh in on the closed-on-Christmas-Sunday debate.

First, although our denomination has not mandated that their churches be open on Christmas, the President of our denomination has strongly recommended that they be open, and has expressed his surprise and displeasure with the concept of being closed on Christmas. (And yet, I guess as a tribute to autonomity, the Pastor of our megachurch has chosen to be closed on Christmas.)

That's not to say I'm against the concept. In fact, I think most all churches should be closed when Christmas falls on Sunday. I mean, how often does that actually happen? Is it such sacrilige that the church be closed on the greatest-family-day of the year when it falls on Sunday once every 5-10 years? If I calculate correctly, the last time Christmas was on a Sunday was 1994, and the next time will be 2011, the next one after that 2016. Is that really so much to ask, that once in a blue moon we give the church the day off?

I guess I have to admit that we would be unlikely to attend church on Christmas Day. We are a strongly family-oriented family, and seeing as how not all our family even attends church at all, let alone OUR church, we would be found at the family gathering rather than in the sanctuary. I think on Christmas of all days it's more our responsibility to be love to others than to show up in a pew.

This is not even commenting on the weird focus the evangelical church has on church attendance. This is not even commenting on the fact that so many people's faith is so church-centric that they don't know what to do with themselves if they can't attend worship service on Sunday.

There are so many more ways to worship God than in a church. I think in the pomerging circles, we already know this. If I take my kids and a bundle of toys to a children's hospital on the morning of Christmas Eve instead of attending a church service, is that wrong? If I want to have opportunity to talk about the significance of Christmas with my unbelieving family and friends at our Christmas gatherings, rather than warm a pew, is that evil?

As an alternative, if we must have worship service on Christmas Sunday, could we have a scaled-down version? One person on a piano playing some well-known Christmas carols and a few worship songs or hymns, keep it down to about 30-45 minutes, no message...just a chance to be in the corporate presence of God? Does He really care if we have lights-camera-action on Christmas (or any other sercice time for that matter?), or is He really just looking for us to look to him collectively?

In expansion, I would say not to have services on Christmas Eve, as well. Now don't jump out of your seat...I know that Christmas Eve candlelight services are a long and closely held tradition for many people. In my mom's family, all the relatives attended the same church, so going to the Christmas Eve Candlelight service was something they did all together. This is a simple event, a few carols, lighting of candles...not a full-fledged megachurch production with full-percussion, stage lighting, and children's ministry. We can handle this.

What I am saying is why do we need to have 3 Christmas Eve services, 5:00, 7:00 and 9:00PM? Isn't that overdoing it a little? I mean, so we relieve the staff and volunteers from Christmas day services, but expect them to work "overtime" on Christmas eve?

What is this, Wal-mart?

Gimmea break.

Getting Caught Up

on my blog reading today. Usually I will read and post in the AM when both tots are at school. But the last week or two I have been spending that time on shopping and other Christmas-related ventures. So my blog-reading and posting has been relegated to a few minutes in the evening.

But today, seeing as how I REALLY want to get over this blasted cold before Christmas, I slept till 11:30 this morning, then announced to my husband that I'm not doing ANYTHING today that requires exertion. So that leaves TV, reading and blogging.

I have a blog reading list of over 100, so I don't generally read all of them every day. I have a top-ten list that I do try to get to every day, but I'm not going to list them because it's not a better-worse list, all the blogs I read are excellent. It's more a system of the blogs with the most activity (hardest to keep up with) and the ones I find the most helpful to me in my journey.

So hopefully as I get caught up in my reading, I'll have a few interesting things to blog here.

Under the weather....and other stories

I swear, I've been sick since Thanksgiving...I would go to the Doctor if there weren't 12 other people I know with the same thing. So it goes like this...I feel functioning for a few days, then I feel crappy for a few days then I feel functioning for a few days then I feel better for a few days. Then it begins again.

So moving right along...

The shopping is almost done...it's pretty low key and I did a good deal of it online. Yeehaw!

So EmergingGrace was talking today about posting her face on her website for the first time, revealing herself.

I think I agree with what she says...

"When I began blogging, I had several reasons for anonymity. First, I was taught that you do not use your real name on the internet (or take candy from strangers).

Next due to my initial shyness about writing in a public realm, anonymity felt like a safety blanket.

And finally, my worst-case scenario was being googled and having my ideas become fodder for a church board meeting. "

She continues...

"Having my picture on here doesn't really compromise my anonymity because the likelihood of anyone who knows me actually stumbling across my blog is pretty slim."

I realize the same is true of me.

While I am still pondering posting my image here on my blog, I have been going through a similar "unveiling" in the real-life-world. In some ways it's scarier because I have to face the people I unveil myself to, hear their comments and deal with their concern about my recent changes.

I think I am somewhat of an enigma to many people who knew me "before". When I refer to "before", I mean "in the church". I guess I have "emerged" myself clean out of my old skin. It's not that hard to understand, but some people can't get the concept that I no longer have the IC telling me who I am supposed to be in order to be acceptable. This has opened all sorts of doors for self expression and the "emerging of me".

Some people see this as bad...a season of rebellion...you know the drill, leave the church so you can do what you darned well please without any accountability. That's not the story for me...I have felt for so long that I was someone other than the persona I operated under in the church, I felt artificial...and I am now free of that.

So in the last 6 months I have finally felt released to be myself...yes, there's no one around to criticize me...my husband and family and enduring friends love the "real and unveiled" me. One good friend says that I used to look like I was "hiding" and she said she always saw this dark cloud over me like a shadow. She says now I look like light and sunshine.

I used to dress very neutral...little color...simple jewelry...flat shoes...little makeup...mousy hair...

So now I, as one friend put it today (someone I hadn't seen since "before"), I am "flamboyant"...I guess in comparison I certainly am, but not really by real-world-standards.

Now I have my navel and my nose pierced (other than the 3 in both my ears), I am now tattooed (meaningful and appropriate) and have pink hair. I wear a lot of jewelry, and I dress a combination of a little wild and a little loud. You will seldom find me without glitter on my face, and I have almost completely turned over my wardrobe...I don't think I would still wear anything I wore a year ago. Thank goodness for thrift stores and an understanding hubby.

So people don't recognize me...I mean they recognize who I am, but they no longer feel like they know the person they see when they look at me. But most people are so happy for me... saying it's good that I have come out of my shell...it's good not to be "de-pressed".

So, mid-life identity crisis or just the emerging of what was once suppressed? I lean toward the latter since I am now very close to who I was 15 years ago...before the conservative disease hit me.

I told a friend the other day that "I'm thirtysomething. At some point in my life I have to be old enough and mature enough to be the person I wanted to be in high school but my parents wouldn't allow me."

Am I crazy? Think what you want, but I feel healthier and clearer than ever before in my life.

Home Maintenance, Sin and Reconstruction

We are having to repair some dry-rot around one of our bathrooms. We have two bathrooms that back up to each other, and one had a tiled shower stall. Well, being as how the house is over 30 years old, some of the tiles had cracked and leaked.

The shower in question also backed up to our main hallway. So we have a circle of damage in both bathrooms, the wall they share and the wall they jointly share with the hallway. Diameter of about 6 feet, and spread about a foot up the walls. So it involves taking out all of one wall, part of two walls, a great deal of flooring, a couple of studs and destroying our tile shower stall.

So what's the point? I'm getting to that.

We began to realize we had a problem about two years ago...we discovered a soft spot in our hallway floor one day. Whoops! But we just never had the funds to fix it. Homeowners insurance wasn't going to help, and we just couldn't face it. Say what you will, but we just couldn't. We, of course, ceased using that shower (fortunately we have another) to slow the spread of the problem. But it has hung over our heads for two years. There was just no way to know how bad it was until we had someone tear into it. We couldn't do that and end up not being able to pay for the rebuilding. So we procrastinated.

Now we have a friend who is able to tackle it for us, and so yesterday it began...tearing out a wall, ripping up some carpet and flooring, and though it wasn't as bad as it could have been, it was worse than we had hoped.

I could go toward the analogy of sin being the slow leak and we have to deal with it (repent) or else it will spread and infect us like a cancer.

Instead, I have another idea.

What if sin is a good thing, at least in a sense? What if it was part of God's plan to begin with...knowing that if we had sin, someday we would be able to have the gift of knowing Jesus. What if the relationship with God is much more intimate through Jesus than it was in the Garden? What if we would never have been as intimate as perfect beings in relation to a perfect God as we are as imperfect beings knowing what has been lost and regained through Jesus? We would never have realized how much we needed Him, and may never have really appreciated the Love of God.

What if, when we sin, Jesus knows that it will infect our life, and He waits for those opportunities to teach us who He really is? If we never had any sin, HE would never have the chance to show us His grace. He would never be able to dig into the rot inside us and show us what "new" looks like. When we let sin go unchecked, Jesus has all the more opportunity to rebuild us. Not that sin is good left unchecked, because of the consequences in our life and the lives of others. But after 30-something years of life, I wonder if it's the bigger messes that Jesus has to reconstruct that really make the difference, that really cause growth and renewal, rather than just small little touch-ups here and there?

If we didn't have sin, we wouldn't have a chance to see how good of a carpenter Jesus really is.