Narnia

So we saw Narnia this week.

Hm.

As a girl, I read the books with passionate interest. It's been a whole lotta years, and although I am foggy on the details, I have to say I could have easily left disappointed. That's not to say I disliked it or thought it was poorly done, I just was ambivalent. I didn't feel any passion for the film, it seemed to lack the ability to stir my emotions.

At least when I looked at it through the eyes of a "regular" viewer.

But I'm not a regular viewer. I know the secrets, the inside story. I know the allegory and analogy this story contains.

I saw this film, and I went away changed.

When I let my heart and spirit view Aslan as Jesus, something stirred in me. Something awakened. The brutality, the shame, and yet He was calm and willing.

I never saw "The Passion of the Christ". I have my reasons. I have the greatest respect for those who saw and loved the film, for those who were moved or changed by it. I just didn't feel compelled, I didn't believe it would really contribute anything to faith. That's just me.

But Narnia...I think it did for me what The Passion may have done for others. Most of you who see Narnia won't probably be affected the way I was.. That's just fine. Call me crazy, but I felt, EXPERIENCED, an understanding of the crucifixion like never before.

Here we are, wandering in the woods, unaware of the dangers that lurk. Sometimes our exploration leads to love and friendship, sometimes it leads to danger. But it always leads to the need for our Aslan to save us from the evils that threaten us.

And He fights...He wars, but when the ultimate price is demanded for our sins, He is willing to die in our place. Every time. Willing. Not forced or compelled, but WILLING. Only because He loves us, not because we are worthy, not because of some sense of pity or because there is something in it for Him. Just love.

But the powers of darkness don't really know what they are dealing with.

They misunderstand.

They think that by killing our King they can win the war!

They don't know that He will be resurrected every time.

Happy New Year!

Most of you that have ever ventured here have already celebrated and are sound asleep in bed...we have about 90 minutes to go, and I am reflecting on the year.

What a year it was! I am floored by God's goodness as I think of what I have been through in the last 12 months...the pain, the drama, the lonliness...the restoration, the freedom, the joy! I don't think I have ever had such a roller-coaster year...I think I have been through the most emotionally thorough year I could imagine.

But here I am in the closing of 2005. What to say? Today I was blessed and overwhelmed by the love exhibited by two friends...friends who until today I wasn't sure where I stood with. Now I know, and I am refreshed and encouraged for the new year.

I am looking into the future and see a return to church. I am trying. I want to go back for the good reasons...as much as I want to stay away for the bad reasons. I am looking to a friend a generation older than I to help guide me through re-integration. I don't know how long it will take, and frankly I'm much more concerned with my health than I am with a timeline.

I realized something today...one reason I have been staying away is because I don't want to contaminate those around me...I want to be thoroughly healed enough to return knowing I won't express bitterness and frustration to those who are still church-centric.

Who am I kidding...I don't WANT to go back...I feel like I am being told to go back by the Man Upstairs...and it scares the bejeebbers out of me. What if...what if...what if? I can't waste time wondering, it tears me apart to worry about the what if's.

I don't know and I don't want to know. I just want to follow. It's the least I can do for the Guy who has resolved my issues and restored my heart all year long. I don't know how He's going to get me through this, but I imagine He will.

I am scared of so many things and some days I don't know how to deal. Then I have a day like today where my friends come through for me, help me celebrate my birthday (it was a few days ago) and love on me...and I think maybe I will make it.

Who knows? But this year more than last, I know Who I can trust...good or bad...pretty or ugly...saint or sinner...I have a Guardian.

Welcome, 2006!

Man in the Mirror

I can't help it, but this song came to mind today...

Man in the Mirror

(written in part by Siedah Garrett - check out her re-recording of it...
...visit her site and go to "Music")

I'm gonna make a change
For once in my life
It's gonna feel real good
Gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right...

As I turn up the collar on my favorite winter coat
This wind is blowin' my mind
I see the kids in the street, with not enough to eat
Who am I to be blind?
Pretending not to see their needs
A summer's disregard, a broken bottle top
And one man's soul
They follow each other on the wind ya' know
'Cause they got nowhere to go
That's why I want you to know

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change

I've been a victim of a selfish kind of love
It's time that I realize
That there are some with no home, not a nickel to loan
Could it be really me, pretending that they're not alone?

A willow deeply scarred, somebody's broken heart
And a washed-out dream
They follow the pattern of the wind, ya' see
Cause they got no place to be
That's why I'm starting with me

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change

You gotta get it right, while you got the time
'Cause when you close your heart
You can't close your... your mind!

Reflections on 2005

On Christmas Eve, on the 45 minute drive to a relative's house, I was looking out the window into the night sky. There were stars out, and I suddenly felt joy. It came out of nowhere, I wasn't reflecting on anything in particular...just looking into the night. I was overwhelmed with how God has been there for me in the last year, both my darkest and lightest year ever. I was moved to tears with the amazing ways in which He has loved me and shown Himself to me during this journey I'm on. I'm awed at how faithful He's been, sticking by me in my darkest days, when I could not say anything to Him other than "I know you are with me". In those days when I wondered if I could hold onto my faith at all, let alone remain a "practicing" Christian, those days and nights when I yelled and screamed at Him, when I stomped my feet and cried and told Him to that if this (the institutional, evangelical faith I have experienced most of my life) is what Christianity is really all about, then I want no part of it. During those times, He would whisper in my ear something so soft and gentle that it would calm my spirit and let me know He was still there, that He would not abandon me in my "crisis of ecclesiology".

So looking out the window on Christmas Eve, I told Him I was prepared for whatever He has in store for me in 2006, and that I will give myself to it. For the first time in so long, I felt a twinge of excitement when thinking about church...almost hoping in this journey in the next year that He will give me a place in the church where I can shout and be heard. But mostly hoping for a chance to quietly be there for someone else who is having similar crises.

I honestly don't know what is in store...I still cannot imagine having the strength to set foot in that building where I have experienced so much pain, and yet I can see myself there again. Maybe the first step will be the hardest...facing the smug attitudes I know will be there...the ones who will say, "We're so glad you're back"...the same people who have not once been there for me in the 12 months I have been MIA. The people who will exchange knowing glances as I walk by..."Oh I always knew she'd be back, she needs this place. She needs US."

Oh, I don't really know how to articulate it, but if you've been out you can probably relate.

But I find myself hopeful, for me and for the church in general....this year will bring changes, some good, some bad, but hopefully the cumulative result will be movement towards a more grace-based, free, Christ-like church.

I will do my part, to the best that God's grace and spirit allow me.

...And Another One Down...

Well, I guess my prayers were answered...sort-of.

If you recall, our oldest started the stomache flu late Friday night the 23rd, and I began to pray that no one else would get sick...or if they HAD to get sick, that it would wait until after Christmas was officially over. After midnight on the 25/26th.

So promptly at 1:00 AM on the 26th, son # 2 got sick...been fighting with it all day, still is. Talked with some of my Husband's relatives in Indiana yesterday, I guess they had it earlier in the month. How do we know? This particular bug is characterized by the inability to wake said sick child...so as to get them to the bathroom...this led to a number of royal messes to clean up.

Sorry for sharing...but I wanted to say that God did come through...no illness was permitted to ruin Christmas.

Amen.

Forgive me...and Worship in a Barn

You'll have to forgive my last post...I was in a mood. It's a personal story, but certain situations in my family of origin have everyone on edge, including me. My words may have came out of me on the wrong side, and I'm sorry for any bitterness or anger that may have appeared.

What I really was getting to is this: Why is Christmas so difficult...if it is, does that mean we are doing something wrong? I am not speaking corporately...just regarding my personal experience in my own family. If Christmas leads to fighting, should we rethink what our practice of Christmas looks like? This may not be true in your family, but for many of you I'd be willing to bet it is.

Should we re-evaluate our expectations? Should we take some time to look carefully at which traditions are valuable to preserve as they are, and which might need some tweaking or adjusting? Should we really think about what the spirit behind gift-giving and family gatherings should be?

When I get to thinking about Jesus' humble origins...what He came to represent...what He came to LIVE out on this earth...the one thing God thought was SO important for us to learn that He had to send His SON, in PERSON, to teach us...or maybe we needed a LIVING example, because we just weren't "getting it" by reading the written word alone. What is "IT"? Well, I think the obvious answer is LOVE. So I would imagine that if we assume LOVE was Jesus' central messge, then maybe He would want us to us to have LOVE as the central focus of the Holy-day that celebrates His birth.

As I think about humility, I wonder what I could learn by spending some time worshipping Jesus in a barn once in a while, around the livestock and all their "accessories"...really living the environment just like the one where God chose to send His son. I wonder what impact that would have on me, thinking with the sounds and the smells and reflecting on Jesus' birth.

I wonder what it would change about my perspective of Christmas.

It's Christmas and We're All in Misery...

Why do we fight at Christmas? I don't know about your family, but there always seems to be some kind of conflict in my extended/family of origin at Christmas. ON Christmas. It doesn't really matter what it was about today...at least this time was about some serious subject matter and not something petty like whose turn it was to cook the turkey. But still.

I have been thinking about it all evening. I'm not saying there aren't arguments other times of year, but why so bad, and so predictably, at Christmas, of all times?

Friday night hubby and I fought about whether the Santa gift should be the biggest gift or the smallest one. Why, after 9 years of children, has this come up NOW? Last night, on the way home from some relatives, hubby and I argued (for the millionth time) about how to divide up Christmas between our two families. We know it's about give and take...but we never resolve it.

Then today my entire family was a bit of a mess. It's complex and serious, having to do with Grandma and Grandpa (my Mom's parents) and the challenges of their current health conditions and what to do about it. It's especially hard for Mom, I'll post about the situation someday, but at this time her emotions are raw due to her parents conditions, making Christmas a challenge for her.

But really it's all just different manifestations of the same thing. Why?

I guess it's about expectations...we all have them about Christmas, and we are always irritable because of those expectations. It's about stress...certainly...and there's no need for explanation about that. It's about being overtired, which will make us all edgy. Sometimes I think it's about satan, trying to rob us of our Joy in this season.

I think in the end, though, it's about what we've made Christmas to be here in America, and probably in much of the Western world, though I wouldn't know first-hand.

We have ceased making it about love. I mean, it's about love, but it's also about parties and meals and events and gifts and money and shopping and decorations and...

...and it's self-perpetuating...hard as we try to break out of the cycle of Christmas with all it's cost and shopping and stress and cooking and cleaning and wrapping and partying etc. etc., we just can never make it change very much.

We are inflexible. We think tradition means having everything exactly the same every year...what if "tradition" is more about the people than the methods to the madness?

The same is true about Christianity in general, what if it's more about the people than the methods?

We recently saw the movie "Christmas with the Krank's", based on John Grisham's novel "Skipping Christmas". I read the novel several years ago, and thought that there was a lot of spiritual food in that movie. It really sums up the problem with the "Christmas Condition".

Luther and Nora Krank's daughter Blair is grown and decides to spend Christmas away from home. The Krank's are typically known for a huge neighborhood Christmas Eve shin-dig with lights and food and the works, but this year with Blair away, Luther and Nora decide to "skip Christmas" with all it's stress and costs, and go on a cruise instead. They figure when all is said and done, the cruise will be less expensive than Christmas.

They go the whole nine yards...no tree, no gifts, no party, no lights, no "Frosty" on the roof. This decision riles a good number of their friends and neighbors, who can't accept this change in the usual Christmas traditions. Certain in-fighting ensues. The Krank's stick to their guns, but at the last minute they discover Blair IS coming home (with her new fiancee in tow) as a surprise, and they have to put their Christmas Eve together in a matter of a few hours. The neighborhood puts aside their chagrin with Luther and Nora, and rally around them, pulling it all together, predictably, at the very last minute. They find that the party does go on, even without the "honey ham" and the "Frosty" on the roof. They discover it's about the company, not the conditions.

We have made it about dollars and cents, lights and trees, packages and bows, the "honey ham" the "Frosty" on the roof, and the big party we're expected to throw. We do a lot of it in the name of "tradition", wanting to pass it on to our kids and grand-kids. But are we really doing them a service by what we're choosing to pass on to them? Where Jesus used to take a back-seat, now He's nowhere to be found...my family doesn't even attend a Christmas service, with it being too "inconvenient" in light of other festivities.

But what it's really about is family and friends, coming together to celebrate a common Joy. The company. Not the conditions.

How to break out of this cycle? I mean, we try to feel like we have a simple Christmas in my family, simple by some measures, at least. But if it still makes us all so short-tempered and testy, then we are doing something wrong. I don't think Jesus would be very proud, myself included (even first on the list) as a progenitor of the problem.

I will be the first to admit that I have a serious Christmas problem. This isn't about other people and what they are doing wrong, or at least misguidedly. It's about recognizing it in myself and then thinking about what to do about it.

If I can find a way, this stops with me. It's not that I intend to eliminate all tradition, gift giving and festivity, but is there a healthier way to do it? A pattern more loyal the the ONE we are supposed to be celebrating?

I'll spend the next year searching for the answers.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

most of it's wrapped and under the tree
i'm pretty sure there's at least one for me
stockings are hung and cookies are made
and we've already been to the light parade

but OH! What is THIS! A child in the bathroom!
OH NO, it couldn't be...the sick sound of doom!
he's spilling his guts at the porcelain throne
i can't help but stand in the doorway and moan

the timing impeccable for the onset of flu
i scratch my head and think "what to do?"
if we go to the party tonight or tomorrow
we'll pass it along, to everyone's sorrow

will there even be Christmas without family
and carols and cookies and giftwrap and glee?
what should we do....the kids will be sad
if we stay home alone, can Christmas even be had?

well the day isn't over, the outlook can change
but if it doesn't the plans will rearrange
and through it all Christmas will still come
as long as we remember it's about a SON!

As promised...

a bit of pleasant Christmas reflection.

each year i try to take away something new from the holiday season. i do not use the word "holiday" in the politically correct sense, but the thanksgiving-christmas-new year's sense. and i have a birthday in there somewhere as well, which adds to the learning curve.

what have i learned this year? usually by this time i will have some profound insight about mary's pregnancy or the magi. this year, just this morning when i thought my inspirations had failed me, i read something interesting in the newspaper. an article in the Oregonian, titled "Jesus: Home Version Evidence is Varied, Plentiful" or "Not So Far Away in a Manger", by Nancy Haught.

The article discussses the wherefore's of Jesus' birth, saying it's possible that most western translations of the Gospel of Luke may be wrong in their interpretations of the greek word "kataluma" - which in western versions is written as "inn", but it may also mean "guest room", "dining room" or "upper room" of a private home. The article goes on to say "Bethlehem was Joseph's hometown. It's very likely that Joseph could have found some relatives who would have taken them in."..."Inns were scarce in first-century villages, and it would have been more likely that Joseph and Mary were looking for relatives to take them in as they finished their business in Bethlehem." you can read the article for more information...it's not really the atticle that i want to comment on, but something it brings to mind.

with the raging debates between traditional and pomerging churches...i glean some insight. i look at the broadway-calibur productions many modern evangelical churches put on each week, the one-man shows, the huge state-of-the-art buildings....and i wonder...what happened to the humble beginnings of Christ's church? and i don't mean the beginning's of the first real "churches" the disciples planted...but further back to where it all began...Christ's birth.

in the stable of a "city" inn or the stable of some welcoming relatives...there doesn't seem to be any debate that He was born among livestock and slept in a manger. that there was no room in the "kataluma" - however you want to translate it- seems ironic.

is there room for Jesus in these places of worship we call "churches"? do we sit with wonder and awe that HE CHOSE to come to earth, and that God CHOSE to put him in a manger in a stable, rather than in a fancy-schmancy hotel? or do we worry about the lighting and the sound and the offering and the condition of the carpet and whether or not we will be able to afford that new building.

maybe i'm not being very articulate. then again, maybe you get the gist of what i'm saying.

i guess to sum it up, rather than worship in ceasar's palace (no, not the Vegas hotel) with it's fancy furnishings and marble and tile and great acoustics...

i would rather worship in a stinking stable surrounded by mooing, neighing, grunting, excrement and hay...because that's where HE is! That's where HE chose to come into being.

humble? yes. Divine? YES.

are you discouraged right now...?

This came into my inbox a few minutes ago...timely of course.

From NRN

------------------

Are you discouraged right now?

A word of encouragement:God calls Abram out of Ur of the Chaldeas. On the journey to a land that he has never seen God gives him a new name. He becomes Abraham. A new identity and a new assignment.

God takes Jacob off into Mesopotamia. There he wrestles with God and gets a new name. Israel. And he walks the rest of his life with a limp. A new identity and a new assignment.

Saul of Tarsus has everything figured out. He is aggressively killing Christians for God. On his way to Damascus he encounters Jesus. He becomes Paul. A new identity and a new assignment.

God is changing your name, right now, in the wilderness place you have found yourself. Accept the new name and get ready to walk into the destiny of the new assignment.

David Bodine, Editor
Next Reformation News

for those "friends" who choose to judge me...

"When you Look at Me" - Christina Milian

Tell me, who do you think you see
You're standing in your corner looking out on me
You think I'm so predictable
Tell me, who do you think I am
Looks can be deceiving
Better guess again
Tell me what you see
When you look at me

You're probably thinking that I want those things
Cash, cars, diamond rings
Thinking on my side the grass is green
But you don't know where I have been
I could be a wolf in disguise
I could be an angel in your eyes

Never judge a book by its cover
I could be your crook or your lover
I could be the one or the other
If you'd look beneath you'd discover
You just don't know me

Tell me who do you think you see
You're standing in your corner looking out on me
You think I'm so predictable
Tell me who do you think I am
Looks can be deceiving
Better guess again
Tell me what you see
When you look at me

You look at your neighbor thinking "what a guy"
'Cos he's got a nine to five
And I bet you don't realize
He stalks you while you sleep at night
But you're scared of the homeless guy
Think he's gonna wanna start a fight

Never judge a book by its cover
I could be your crook or your lover
I could be the one or the other
If you'd look beneath you'd discover
You just don't know me

Tell me who do you think you see
You're standing in your corner looking out on me
You think I'm so predictable
Tell me who do you think I am
Looks can be deceiving
Better guess again
Tell me what you see
When you look at me

trying to keep the focus...and failing miserably

maybe i'm a grinch but i'm really not in the mood today. if you want to hear about the joy of the holidays, read no further here, come back tomorrow instead.

today i'm in a complaining mood. so sue me.

i want Christmas to be simple and gentle and peaceful. instead i get stressed-out, over-worked, under-sleeped and un-appreciated.

why...why...why...as i bang my head against the wall. each year i try to simplify...and it always fails. i try to buy less gifts for less people with less money...i try to make or bake gifts, and i try to make everyone happy. no one really likes the fact that i make or bake, i guess it seems cheap or something...so this year i have bought.

it's especially hard when splitting up the holidays between my family and my husband's. i'm sorry but i can't please both my mother and my mother-in-law and my husband and my kids and myself. we have a system that works and is designed to keep the stress off me, everyone knows what to expect on the subject of whose family we spend Christmas eve or Christmas day with...but invariably someone wants us to adjust it "just this year"...it might be grandpa's last christmas...or someone has a new house this year and they want to celebrate in it...i'm sure it's insensitive of me but i'm sorry, my "sensitive" ran out two weeks ago.

something's gotta give. usually it's me.

and this year the kids were let out of school on the 16th. why...oh why...can't they go to school until the 22nd like i did when i was a kid?

and inevitably, i find out several people are planning to give me gifts when i wasn't planning to give them one...not because they were cut off my list, but because i have never exchanged gifts with them before.

so as i sit in my living room wrapping about a million gifts all by myself...even though hubby has the day off (tomorrow too)...gifts i bought all by myself, gifts i bought without forgetting anyone and staying to a strict budget and still being sure to get the kids something they asked for...

and i have two bathrooms torn apart...not completely but might as well be for the freakin' mess...

and i have a puppy who likes to take boxes out of the cupboard (today it was cornbread mix, yesterday cereal, the day before crackers) for a snack...when she's not digging in the mud in the yard because i'm too darned sick to go out in the cold and supervise her...

and to top it all off i have this stinkin cold that won't quit but i haven't been staying out of the cold enough or getting enough sleep like i should so i can't get well...

and i have this lovely anticlimactic right-after-Christmas birthday....that means i'm a year older and wrinklier and jigglier (and I'm supposed to be in a good mood this week?)

and my mom calls me and in the course of conversation it comes out that for the first time in her adult life she's not sending Christmas cards because she didn't have one single good thing to say this year...and somehow i'm supposed to have something encouraging to say...

i am trying to remember why it is we're supposed to be joyful and excited and celebrating...

any clues? not me.

ask me again in January. i'm going to bed.

Playing Dress-up

When I was a girl, my sister and I would play dress-up. We had a big box of grown-up clothes, high heels, wigs and Avon samples (yes, mom was an Avon lady once), especially those little tiny lipstick samples. We wanted to look like grown-up ladies instead of the girls we were.

We could spend hours in the basement, trying on different outfits (many were 60's and 70's) stumbling around in high-heeled shoes that were 6 sizes too big, putting makeup all over our faces. Mom would take pictures for posterity and tell us how pretty we were.

Eventually we would tire of our adult personas. We would change back into our 4-and-8-year-old-clothes and go back to the realm of girlhood. We never really wanted to be adults at that time...we would not have traded girlhood frivolity for adult responsibility for anything. We knew it was so much better to be a kid. We knew it was just for play and we liked it that way.

If Jesus said to be like little children, I would hope we would listen. We can play dress-up, wearing clothes that are too big and putting makeup on our faces to seem older and wiser and more mature. But I hope we would also do this with glee, knowing we really are little children, not adults. That we would be serious only when need be, and then we would slip quickly back into childhood, sitting at the feet of our teacher, laughing, giggling, being silly.

I would hope that we not make our faith up into something serious and adult - something that cannot be wild and crazy and unpredictable.

I hope the theme song of my faith is "I Won't Grow Up", from Peter Pan.

I won't grow up (I won't grow up)
I don't want to go to school (I don't want to go to school)
Just to learn to be a parrot (Just to learn to be a parrot)
And recite a silly rule (And recite a silly rule)

If growing up means it would be
beneath my dignity to climb a tree,
I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up
Not me! Not I! Not me! No way!

I won't grow up (I won't grow up)
I don't want to wear a tie (I don't want to wear a tie)
And a serious expression (And a serious expression)
In the middle of July (In the middle of July)

And if it means I must prepare
To shoulder burdens with a worried air,
I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up
Not me! Not I !Not me! So there!

Our wish to you!

candy stripes and chocolate balls
red-trimmed tress and pine-decked halls
wraping paper, ribbon, bows
something in me GLOWS

sugar, cinnamon and mint
never offering a hint
what's inside this Christmas gift?
EMBER'S spread is swift

candles, fires and snowflakes
pumpkin pie and a fruitcake
all help to make the season bright
i see a brilliant LIGHT

stockings hang and angels sing
wind whistles, bells will ring
once upon a time a SON
FORGAVE everyone

a new year fast approaches
as winter's wrath encroaches
our gentle prayer for you is joy
thanks to a BABY BOY

Winter Weather, Crazy Drivers and Deception

I like to look for spirituality in unexpected and everyday places, so bear with me. I want my vision of my God to expand beyond the printed words I know so well. I want to experience His love and lessons out in the world He created and by the things He's created through people.

We have just had out first real taste of winter this year in the Willamette Valley/PDX. It's been downright frigid (well, frigid for the ever-mild Pacific Northwest) for over a week, with highs right near freezing and 40-60 MPH winds in our area. Wind chill of about 10 degrees. This afternoon the moisture moved in, falling as freezing rain (the worst) in some areas, but just snow where we are...so far...they are saying to expect ice accumulation overnight. If you ever have been in an ice storm, it's the worst. If you worry about your power going out, you can almost count on it in an ice storm.

So we now have, in many areas, a layer of ice under a layer of snow. Very deceptive. Looks good enough to drive on, nice and fluffy...with an evil layer of slippy-slidey underneath.

Some of you in the midwest think we here in the Pacific NW are sissy when it comes to winter weather. Well, we just don't have a lot of experience with it. Our power grids are not designed for it, our emergency services aren't well equipped for it, and our drivers have very little practice driving in it. But...we can deal with heavy rain like no one else.

Two years ago we had what the news stations proudly called a "major snow event", and not to laugh at other's misfortune, but we had some hilarious situations with our drivers. In one, we had a series of cars sliding down a big hill, and one guy hopped out of his car and stood in front of it with his arms outstretched, as if to push on the hood of the car to stop it from sliding.

I will proudly admit that I DON'T drive in this weather. I guess I would in an absolute emergency, but since we are a short walk from the grocery store, the video store, and several kinds of fast-food, I can stay out of the car for some time if need be. Two years ago, during our last "major winter weather ice and snow storm event", I didn't drive anywhere for 10 days. Our power stayed on and we watched TV and videos. When I got tired of TV, I read...

In the past our worst winter weather seemed to come after Christmas. In my lifetime I can only remember one white Christmas, and far from adding to the merriment, we had to cancel the family gatherings because the roads, as usual, were coated with ice under the snow. With this storm, we might be house-bound for 3 or so days, and this can pose serious problems for some people a week before Christmas. I'm nearly done with shopping, so I'm not terribly worried. But some people will still venture out in this horrible weather to shop. I guess I wonder why we risk ourselves in the name of material things (i.e. presents). I guess I can assume that if I didn't have my kids gifts taken care of, I might venture out in dread of their disappointment. But the adults in my life would just have to understand that I had no control over the inclement weather, and I'm sure they would be just as happy with a gift a week after Christmas if circumstances dictated it. In my family, it's not unheard of to get an IOU from someone for Christmas...if a gift didn't arrive in time, wasn't finished, or any number of other reasons.We wrap them up in boxes with bows, just like a regular gift.

In any case we have the best public transportation system in the nation...please USE it people! It's cheap and safe and always there. My husband has to commute all the way across town (25 miles each way), but even he will take public transportation rather than drive when the weather is like this.

So I have three observations...

One...ice under snow and deception...that's a pretty obvious one. The devil will cover a slippery slope with a layer of fluffy white powder...it shines so brilliantly in the sunshine, it's just beautiful...I think I'll go out and play in it. A voice says...you better test your traction before you go running out there! But I think to myself, it's just snow, how bad can it be? Whoa...whoops... and down I go! Wow, I sure didn't see the ice under there. Now I'm bruised and battered, and I sheepishly crawl back into the house for some hot cocoa and a Good Book, and I will remember next time to check for deception before I go bounding out the door.

Two...we are only good at guarding ourselves against things we have experience with. So a situation that one person might be a pretty safe driver in could be a spiritual four-wheel land-mine for me. But the same is true in the reverse.

Three...why do we go chasing after material things at our peril? Why will we risk our safety and well-being to pursue "things", even if those things are gifts for others? Can we see that our health is the greatest gift we can give those we love?

I guess one last thought...when we have weather like this...take the opportunity to spend time "in" with your family, maybe catch up on some Good Reading or movies, and take a moment to ponder the everyday lessons in life.

Closed on Christmas?

OK, I have to weigh in on the closed-on-Christmas-Sunday debate.

First, although our denomination has not mandated that their churches be open on Christmas, the President of our denomination has strongly recommended that they be open, and has expressed his surprise and displeasure with the concept of being closed on Christmas. (And yet, I guess as a tribute to autonomity, the Pastor of our megachurch has chosen to be closed on Christmas.)

That's not to say I'm against the concept. In fact, I think most all churches should be closed when Christmas falls on Sunday. I mean, how often does that actually happen? Is it such sacrilige that the church be closed on the greatest-family-day of the year when it falls on Sunday once every 5-10 years? If I calculate correctly, the last time Christmas was on a Sunday was 1994, and the next time will be 2011, the next one after that 2016. Is that really so much to ask, that once in a blue moon we give the church the day off?

I guess I have to admit that we would be unlikely to attend church on Christmas Day. We are a strongly family-oriented family, and seeing as how not all our family even attends church at all, let alone OUR church, we would be found at the family gathering rather than in the sanctuary. I think on Christmas of all days it's more our responsibility to be love to others than to show up in a pew.

This is not even commenting on the weird focus the evangelical church has on church attendance. This is not even commenting on the fact that so many people's faith is so church-centric that they don't know what to do with themselves if they can't attend worship service on Sunday.

There are so many more ways to worship God than in a church. I think in the pomerging circles, we already know this. If I take my kids and a bundle of toys to a children's hospital on the morning of Christmas Eve instead of attending a church service, is that wrong? If I want to have opportunity to talk about the significance of Christmas with my unbelieving family and friends at our Christmas gatherings, rather than warm a pew, is that evil?

As an alternative, if we must have worship service on Christmas Sunday, could we have a scaled-down version? One person on a piano playing some well-known Christmas carols and a few worship songs or hymns, keep it down to about 30-45 minutes, no message...just a chance to be in the corporate presence of God? Does He really care if we have lights-camera-action on Christmas (or any other sercice time for that matter?), or is He really just looking for us to look to him collectively?

In expansion, I would say not to have services on Christmas Eve, as well. Now don't jump out of your seat...I know that Christmas Eve candlelight services are a long and closely held tradition for many people. In my mom's family, all the relatives attended the same church, so going to the Christmas Eve Candlelight service was something they did all together. This is a simple event, a few carols, lighting of candles...not a full-fledged megachurch production with full-percussion, stage lighting, and children's ministry. We can handle this.

What I am saying is why do we need to have 3 Christmas Eve services, 5:00, 7:00 and 9:00PM? Isn't that overdoing it a little? I mean, so we relieve the staff and volunteers from Christmas day services, but expect them to work "overtime" on Christmas eve?

What is this, Wal-mart?

Gimmea break.

Getting Caught Up

on my blog reading today. Usually I will read and post in the AM when both tots are at school. But the last week or two I have been spending that time on shopping and other Christmas-related ventures. So my blog-reading and posting has been relegated to a few minutes in the evening.

But today, seeing as how I REALLY want to get over this blasted cold before Christmas, I slept till 11:30 this morning, then announced to my husband that I'm not doing ANYTHING today that requires exertion. So that leaves TV, reading and blogging.

I have a blog reading list of over 100, so I don't generally read all of them every day. I have a top-ten list that I do try to get to every day, but I'm not going to list them because it's not a better-worse list, all the blogs I read are excellent. It's more a system of the blogs with the most activity (hardest to keep up with) and the ones I find the most helpful to me in my journey.

So hopefully as I get caught up in my reading, I'll have a few interesting things to blog here.

Under the weather....and other stories

I swear, I've been sick since Thanksgiving...I would go to the Doctor if there weren't 12 other people I know with the same thing. So it goes like this...I feel functioning for a few days, then I feel crappy for a few days then I feel functioning for a few days then I feel better for a few days. Then it begins again.

So moving right along...

The shopping is almost done...it's pretty low key and I did a good deal of it online. Yeehaw!

So EmergingGrace was talking today about posting her face on her website for the first time, revealing herself.

I think I agree with what she says...

"When I began blogging, I had several reasons for anonymity. First, I was taught that you do not use your real name on the internet (or take candy from strangers).

Next due to my initial shyness about writing in a public realm, anonymity felt like a safety blanket.

And finally, my worst-case scenario was being googled and having my ideas become fodder for a church board meeting. "

She continues...

"Having my picture on here doesn't really compromise my anonymity because the likelihood of anyone who knows me actually stumbling across my blog is pretty slim."

I realize the same is true of me.

While I am still pondering posting my image here on my blog, I have been going through a similar "unveiling" in the real-life-world. In some ways it's scarier because I have to face the people I unveil myself to, hear their comments and deal with their concern about my recent changes.

I think I am somewhat of an enigma to many people who knew me "before". When I refer to "before", I mean "in the church". I guess I have "emerged" myself clean out of my old skin. It's not that hard to understand, but some people can't get the concept that I no longer have the IC telling me who I am supposed to be in order to be acceptable. This has opened all sorts of doors for self expression and the "emerging of me".

Some people see this as bad...a season of rebellion...you know the drill, leave the church so you can do what you darned well please without any accountability. That's not the story for me...I have felt for so long that I was someone other than the persona I operated under in the church, I felt artificial...and I am now free of that.

So in the last 6 months I have finally felt released to be myself...yes, there's no one around to criticize me...my husband and family and enduring friends love the "real and unveiled" me. One good friend says that I used to look like I was "hiding" and she said she always saw this dark cloud over me like a shadow. She says now I look like light and sunshine.

I used to dress very neutral...little color...simple jewelry...flat shoes...little makeup...mousy hair...

So now I, as one friend put it today (someone I hadn't seen since "before"), I am "flamboyant"...I guess in comparison I certainly am, but not really by real-world-standards.

Now I have my navel and my nose pierced (other than the 3 in both my ears), I am now tattooed (meaningful and appropriate) and have pink hair. I wear a lot of jewelry, and I dress a combination of a little wild and a little loud. You will seldom find me without glitter on my face, and I have almost completely turned over my wardrobe...I don't think I would still wear anything I wore a year ago. Thank goodness for thrift stores and an understanding hubby.

So people don't recognize me...I mean they recognize who I am, but they no longer feel like they know the person they see when they look at me. But most people are so happy for me... saying it's good that I have come out of my shell...it's good not to be "de-pressed".

So, mid-life identity crisis or just the emerging of what was once suppressed? I lean toward the latter since I am now very close to who I was 15 years ago...before the conservative disease hit me.

I told a friend the other day that "I'm thirtysomething. At some point in my life I have to be old enough and mature enough to be the person I wanted to be in high school but my parents wouldn't allow me."

Am I crazy? Think what you want, but I feel healthier and clearer than ever before in my life.

Home Maintenance, Sin and Reconstruction

We are having to repair some dry-rot around one of our bathrooms. We have two bathrooms that back up to each other, and one had a tiled shower stall. Well, being as how the house is over 30 years old, some of the tiles had cracked and leaked.

The shower in question also backed up to our main hallway. So we have a circle of damage in both bathrooms, the wall they share and the wall they jointly share with the hallway. Diameter of about 6 feet, and spread about a foot up the walls. So it involves taking out all of one wall, part of two walls, a great deal of flooring, a couple of studs and destroying our tile shower stall.

So what's the point? I'm getting to that.

We began to realize we had a problem about two years ago...we discovered a soft spot in our hallway floor one day. Whoops! But we just never had the funds to fix it. Homeowners insurance wasn't going to help, and we just couldn't face it. Say what you will, but we just couldn't. We, of course, ceased using that shower (fortunately we have another) to slow the spread of the problem. But it has hung over our heads for two years. There was just no way to know how bad it was until we had someone tear into it. We couldn't do that and end up not being able to pay for the rebuilding. So we procrastinated.

Now we have a friend who is able to tackle it for us, and so yesterday it began...tearing out a wall, ripping up some carpet and flooring, and though it wasn't as bad as it could have been, it was worse than we had hoped.

I could go toward the analogy of sin being the slow leak and we have to deal with it (repent) or else it will spread and infect us like a cancer.

Instead, I have another idea.

What if sin is a good thing, at least in a sense? What if it was part of God's plan to begin with...knowing that if we had sin, someday we would be able to have the gift of knowing Jesus. What if the relationship with God is much more intimate through Jesus than it was in the Garden? What if we would never have been as intimate as perfect beings in relation to a perfect God as we are as imperfect beings knowing what has been lost and regained through Jesus? We would never have realized how much we needed Him, and may never have really appreciated the Love of God.

What if, when we sin, Jesus knows that it will infect our life, and He waits for those opportunities to teach us who He really is? If we never had any sin, HE would never have the chance to show us His grace. He would never be able to dig into the rot inside us and show us what "new" looks like. When we let sin go unchecked, Jesus has all the more opportunity to rebuild us. Not that sin is good left unchecked, because of the consequences in our life and the lives of others. But after 30-something years of life, I wonder if it's the bigger messes that Jesus has to reconstruct that really make the difference, that really cause growth and renewal, rather than just small little touch-ups here and there?

If we didn't have sin, we wouldn't have a chance to see how good of a carpenter Jesus really is.

Stage Makeup

If you know anyone who performs on stage, you might relate to this.

I have a friend who is in the Ballet. I have not been with her during a performance for many years now, but lived with her for a short time in high school. I vividly remember being backstage with her, seeing the application and removal of the heavy stage makeup she wore. The application took what seemed like eons, with layer upon layer, and when she wore it, I could hardly recognize her. It was thick and dramatic and overdone, so as not to pale under the stage lights. Then the removal could be painstaking, often leaving her face reddened and skin irritated from the products used to remove it.

So there is more to the notion that I have been "performance" oriented for a long time. I used to think about this from the perspective of my focus on the "works" in my faith. Now I also think about it with the meaning that I have put more emphasis on my "makeup", i.e., who I want to seem to others to be, and over the years I have applied one layer of mask after another in the hopes that no one would ever see the "real" me.

I guess, then, that it shouldn't surprise me that the mask removal process I am undergoing is sometimes painful, and leaves me feeling sore and abraded and disoriented.

And that sometimes people who knew me with my makeup on will have trouble recognizing the "real" me that lies underneath, even going so far as to say that this isn't the real me, this is a mask and the "old" me was the real me... or that I'm going through a "phase" or a "mid-life crisis" (I'm FAR TOO YOUNG!)...

...or even that I'm in rebellion.

Sheesh.

That really hurts. I understand their discomfort...I admit my change has been quite dramatic, not unlike a squirmy green fuzzy caterpillar into a black and gold monarch butterfly...and I understand a bit of skepticism about the authenticity of my transformation.

But it's for real.

The makeup removal must go on.

My Theology

Is "theology" the right word for "what I believe on different aspects of faith"? No matter, you know what I mean.

I spent several hours with a good friend today. She's probably the one of the few people I feel I can really talk with about how I have changed in the last year, I can be honest with her and know she won't judge, no matter how she disagrees. She is someone who disciples me, who listens without judgment, who argues without being argumentative, who never fails to quote meaningful and applicable scripture to me. Sometimes she backs me up, sometimes she refutes what I am saying. But I always learn from her, and have to take away some of the biblical perspective she offers me and think about ways in which I might be wrong.

So today we spent some time on the difficult subjects of:

• the purpose, usefulness and effectiveness of prayer
• the authority of and our understanding of the bible
• tithing and the OT vs NT directions given to us on the subject
• satan's power (or lack thereof) and what our focus should be on him

...and she good-naturedly pressed me into trying to outline some specifics of what I believe. It was so easy to want to slip back into my old ways of thinking...basically just echoing the voices that have taught me throughout the years, the widely accepted viewpoints and theologies. In the course of our conversation, I found myself frequently having to take a long pause to collect my thoughts, to organize all the changes my beliefs have undergone in each area...to be deliberate in my answers.

I love it when people quote scripture to me, for I inevitably learn something I didn't know. We all remember different things from the Bible, this is one of the ways in which we need each other. But I also love to quote scripture right back at them. Not necessarily in argument, but to aid them in seeing that the Bible can be viewed as contradicting itself, and it's those times when we must realize that we may have missed the point. On any given subject, I try to take all the passages that address the same thing and look at them together. Sometimes they seem to contradict one another, so I have to look deeper for the overall point the Lord was making, rather than just focusing on one passage that says what I want to hear. I don't know if this is good theological practice or not, but it seems to yield answers to me. I think this might be one of the reasons why we manage to come up with so many differing theologies and beliefs and applications even within the various denominations.

So over the next few days or weeks, I'm going to be doing just that. Thinking about the course of our conversation today, and about the positions I stated on these subjects, then looking to the Bible for these subjects and seeing where I am on track and where I'm off. Trying to quiet all the voices and seeing how my own personal hold on these subjects stacks up against the Word.

I know it's a busy time of year, so I might not actually conclude or even get into this until next year (!!!!) . But I will do my best to follow through, because I know the day is approaching when I won't be able to just say "this is what I believe because it just feel right to me", but to be able to support it.

It will be interesting to see what I learn.

A Perfect Church?

Leighton Tebay has said something that really struck me in his post titled "There is no such thing as a perfect church".

"There is no such thing as a perfect church. How many times have I heard this phrase when offering some critical analysis of some aspect of church life?
...What I've experienced over the last year is not perfect but it is worthwhile. I look forward to it even if I am tired physically or emotionally.
...I'm starting to wonder if the phrase "there is no such thing as a perfect church" is cop out for many.
...I can't help but think we've fooled ourselves in to thinking that we can't experience something better than what we have. We've accepted the status quo without really considering the possibility that things could be way better than they are."

I had to stop and think.

You know, in my new freedom to think for myself, I am often amazed, even speechless, to find that I sometimes still catch myself in my old way-of-thinking. Just when I begin to believe I have shed the last vestiges of my modern evangelical bindings, I discover a traditional idea that I have still clung to without realizing it.

In this case, that idea is this: There is no such thing as a "perfect" church".

I'm not saying there is such a thing. But whenever I talk with someone about my struggles with church, my discontents and frustrations...inevitably and invariably at some point in the conversation they will interject with "Well, there is no such thing...", like my feelings of discontent are some heresy in and of themselves. This makes me crazy.

In the past I have blindly accepted this response in defense of the church, knowing there is no arguing with such a statement, even if deep down I am screaming, "NO NO NO!!! THAT'S NOT OK!"

It's like this...imagine I purchased a new car, from a manufacturer that had been in business for 2000 years. I would expect it to be perfect, for all intents and purposes. I get to the dealership to pick it up, and I discover that the power windows don't roll down, the headlights are dim, the seats are uncomfortable, and the car only gets 2 miles to the gallon of gasoline. Imagine when I complain to the dealer, they said, "Well, we don't make windows that roll down, because they are a safety hazard...we wouldn't want you to fall out. We make the lights dimmer, because we don't want to intimidate other new drivers. We know the seats are uncomfortable, but you don't really spend more than an hour a week in your car, do you? We realize it's a gas guzzler, but we don't really worry about the environment, after all, we're not going to be here on earth much longer. And anyhow, there's no such thing as a perfect car. We're sorry, but we're not going to repair it for you. Thousands of other people are perfectly happy with this car the way it is. Your expectations are just plain unreasonable."

Is there anyone else that is frustrated by this???

What if I LIKE windows that roll down, I like to feel the wind in my face and smell the fresh country air when I'm out for a drive. Some days it's too hot to have the heat on and too cool to have the a/c running. And what about when I'm hungry and I need to go through the drive-through?

What if I like brighter headlights, so I can see my way better? I understand the brighter lights might bother people who aren't familiar with the direction I'm going, but I want them to SEE ME, so they might wonder why MY lights are so bright, or wonder what exciting place I am on my way to.

What if I like comfortable seats, because I AM in my car all the time? I like to always be moving, always be on my way to somewhere, rather than camping out in one place. I want to spend a great deal of my time moving around so I can meet new people and tell them about all the cool places I've been and find out about all the cool places they've been.

So is it reasonable for me to want a better car? Or should I say, "Look, this isn't the car I want. I want windows that roll down and headlights that light up the road and a seat I can spend a lot of time in comfortably."

Oh, but the manufacturer knows perfectly well what they are doing. After all, they've been in business over 2000 years!!!"As long as people continue to buy their cars, they have no reason to change.

Well, I'm here to say this is one girl who's shopping for a hybrid!

Worth Reading

Once again I have come across a couple posts worth reading. I would love to devote an individual post to each, but I just don't have the time.

What a Church is Not - The Journey

Humility: Has it Become a Power Commodity? - Allelon

A Brief Snapshot of the Emerging Church - Ryan Bolger

Dog appreciation...

Today I took our Siberian Husky puppy to the pet store to buy some treats and other dog stuff. I have never before taken one of our pets with me to the pet store, so this was a first for me. This particular store welcomes you to bring your pets inside.

While venturing through the store, I got several compliments on our pup. Everyone we met asked to pet her, and while they were doing so, they each recounted a dog of the same breed in their life. Now this really struck me, because they are not a terribly common breed, unless you live above 30º N.

One lady said her sister had one, but her sister had to move to London and she commented how much she missed her sister's sibe. She said how much she appreciated the chance to pet my girl. Another couple said they had always admired them and had neighbors on their old hometown who had one. Another lady said she had had one 30 years ago, whose name had been "Tonya" after the character in the film "Dr. Zhivago". She said seeing my girl brought back lots of happy memories. A man said how he'd always wanted one.

The next lady was the one who really got me. She hadn't had a Siberian, she didn't say what breed, but she began sharing how she'd moved to our area not long ago, and just before she moved, her longtime canine companion had passed away from liver cancer. She teared up and began to tell me about her dog. Now it was all the usual dog-lover stuff, then a little about how much she had spent on medical care, but then she said, "It's just like being a parent, I suppose. You do what you have to do".

Then she said on the last day, just before she left (she didn't say to where, but to work, I assume) her dog had barked at her. She said her dog had never before barked at her, it was like she was saying "Don't leave me today!" The lady came home to find her beloved pet dog had passed. The lady said "I guess she thought I was gone too long". I picked up on a strong sense of regret and loss. I just listened as she reminisced, then I shared an greatly abbreviated version of this story:

Our last "little girl" (of the canine persuasion) was diagnosed with diabetes when she was 10, and we'd made the painful decision not to treat it. We had two small children and a mortgage and just couldn't do it. The vet said her quality of life should be good for quite some time, and we had our reasons for wanting to keep her in the family for a while longer. Anyhow, She lived a great life, slowing down, but not really having too much trouble except some arthritis, until the last 6 months or so. Then she declined rapidly, losing her eyesight, bumping into things, etc. When she fell down a half-flight of stairs, I knew the time was nearing. I told my hubby that when she refused to go outside to the bathroom (she was a big girl, we couldn't reasonably carry her out to the yard) I would know it was time. The week before her 14th birthday, that happened. And so I took her to the vet and her long and beautiful life was brought to a peaceful end.

The lady really seemed to appreciate that I could understand her loss, and thanked me for sharing. She said it's always hard with pets, they are like children, but they aren't children. She told me her son had a cat and a teacup poodle, saying, "But the little dogs just aren't the same. They are cuddly and all, but I really like a BIG dog." She then said she was there at the pet store to buy toys for her son's dog.

Then the line moved and she finished her purchases and said good-bye and left.

She left me thinking, what if I hadn't taken the time to listen to her? I mean, it wouldn't have been a tragedy, but I know she appreciated the conversation. I was glad to talk with her, and realized this was an opportunity to care for someone else, just a little...

...more than that, though, through all the stress and frustration of having a puppy, I spent a moment thinking about all the good points of our new "little girl"...

...yes she chases the cats...digs in the yard...still has accidents in the house...chews to shreds any cardboard or paper she gets ahold of...needs to be walked three times a day...even cries like a baby when she's sad (literally...if you've ever heard a sibe cry before, you know what I mean. She cried when we had a houseful of people on Thanksgiving, and everyone stopped eating and became totally silent for a moment...several people even got up from their seats...because everyone was convinced we had a 3-month-old baby somewhere in the house.)

...but she's worth it and I love her.

Better Days?

If you haven't heard this, please consider checking it out at itunes. Isn't this a good description of what Jesus would want us to seek in the Christmas season? Thought provoking, in my opinion.

"Better Days" by the Goo Goo Dolls

And you ask me what I want this year

And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child that saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

Do I NEED to be in Church?

I guess I am unsure. I feel good. In fact, I FEEL better than ever. There is no word for the peace and freedom I feel since I left. But some people say that church isn't about "FEELINGS", it's about obedience. It's about the good of the family. It's about commitment.

Even if I am in this out-of-church season, do I need to be attending somewhere? I am not saying that I believe I should never have to attend church again, just that I don't feel that I must in this season. In fact, I feel that it presently would be detrimental to my relationship with the Lord.

I'm not sure about the obedience part. The Lord said not to forget to meet together, but what did He really mean, precisely? My husband is church to me sometimes. His insight is helpful and he leads me in that way. I meet regularly with three other christian women (not all at the same time), two who are "out" and one who is "in", and we feed each other the word and encourage each other in our journeys. I also have a mentor, who is "in", who is about a generation older, wiser and more mature than I.

At present, hubby takes the kids (6 & 9) to the church I am out-of, and I don't go. Since hubby isn't in the same place as me (supportive of me, but not there himself), we originally thought that it would be better for the kids to continue to go, for the routine and familiarity of it. But it's becoming increasingly difficult to convince them they have to go even if I don't. And yet, I am not ready to return.

But as RobbyMac says in a comment on a post titled "Outcast" over at EmergingGrace "I'm not going to sacrifice my kids' spiritual lives on the altar of my discontent" (which really struck me, by the way).

Is that what I'm doing? Is it OK for me to be out, when the rest of the family still goes? Is that evident of some spiritual shortcoming or lack of maturity on my part? I feel like a lady-in-waiting...waiting either for my spirit to be awoken and desire to return or for my husband to be ready to leave. How long should we wait? At what point must one of us make a sacrifice for the good of the family?

Rob says that his kids want to go, so they go. My kids don't really care. They usually enjoy it when they are there, but often protest the going. And do I really want my kids to be fed the same *expletive* fodder I was? About the proper steps to take to "be" better. About how Jesus will make your life easier, and if He doesn't, then just pray more. About how service to the church is your primary objective, all other aspects of life should take a back-seat to church. About how church attendance is the barometer of your spiritual health. About how we must rally, press in, circle the wagons, against those God-forsaken liberal politics. About how everything bad in your life should be attributed to demons or satanic attack. I could go on forever, but gag me...

In 5 years there, my kids don't have any particularly close relationships at church. I attribute this to the many services our church has, (counting those dreaded "Video Venues", we have...let's see...6 - or 7? - weekend services) the kids just don't see very many of the same kids from week to week.

I encourage my kids to be social in the neighborhood, and they primarily are. Our home is always open and most days we have one or two or more extras here. I don't want my kids to be afraid of the "world", I want them to learn to effectively be Jesus to everyone they meet, not to isolate themselves with only "Christian" friends. Some of the neighborhood kids are Christian, some are not. Two neighborhood boys, the sons of some church friends of ours, are friends with our kids. But the likelihood of being at the same church service as these friends any given week is about 15%. We tried to coordinate service times with our group of friends, and that worked for awhile, but then lives went different ways, and we kinda scattered, service-wise.

So anyhow, back on track...I struggle with this weekly. (Should I stay or should I go?) My husband makes suggestions, "Let's go somewhere else", but I'm just not motivated. A friend of ours has just taken a worship pastor position at one of our denominations plants, and it's a very different place. My hubby wants to try going there, but even though it's an unusual model, it's still governed by the same denominational body, overseen by the same district management (which our Pastor is president of). So the freedoms are still relatively limited, (numbers and $$ still being of utmost importance when all is said and done) and I struggle to relocate myself under that same banner.

I don't expect any lightbulb answers to come from this blog, but any thoughts would be appreciated.

I am still on my knees, looking to meet Jesus on the road every day. Looking for opportunities to love on and be relational with people I have never met. Looking for new ways I can learn to be more like Him.

Separation of Church and State, Part 3

Maybe we have learned that it's unhealthy to wear masks, but we still only offer lesser versions of our struggles. In the church, we talk about being "transparent" and "real", but heaven forbid we actually go there…into those hidden places, because when we do, the people around us don't know what to do with us. We seldom get into the real root of our struggles, instead we bind ourselves up and put boxes on shelves and stuff closets with dead bodies and we compartmentalize all of it into areas we let people into and areas that we do not.

I'm going to be blunt. We simply believe if we were to let someone into ourselves, if they really were to know what we struggle with, how deeply we struggle, the guilt and shame we deal with, or the sins of our pasts, then the best we could hope for from them is judgment, the worst…well, I've been there and it ain't pretty.

What things do we hide? I'm talking about any behaviors, beliefs, tendencies or habits we choose to hide because most people in church circles would tell us it's a sin. Alcohol/drug/sexual addiction, pornography, gambling, and smoking. Abuse (either giving or receiving). Homosexuality and all other atypical sexual behavior. Having tattoos and piercings, listening to secular music, drinking alcohol, and having liberal beliefs about abortion and medical marijuana and assisted suicide.

But honestly, let's remove the masks for a second. How many of us do not fall into probably several of those categories? I fall into several…it's not important which. If you don't think you have a hidden side, then you're hiding from yourself, too.

Why do we hide? We fear being judged, asked to leave our ministry posts, asked to publicly repent, told to seek treatment, and even being cast out altogether. We are certain no one will even understand, or even if they do try to understand, they will be disappointed in us, think less of us. We will forever lose "points" in their eyes.

Oh, we willingly admit to our little issues…maybe pride or being angry with someone or speeding…the kind of things we can be fairly sure most people have dealt with, so no shocker there. But to tell someone we had an affair, we are alcoholic, we were convicted of a felony in young adulthood…that takes guts, pure and simple. And we avoid it. Not that we must announce our shortcomings to everyone we meet, but those we disciple with, those we walk with, those we call "friends" should be safe territory to confide in. And they need to know what trips us up, so they can stand watch for us.

But let me tell you a little about what else can happen, this is the other side of the coin. Two years ago a group of girlfriends and I all went away together for the weekend. A retreat of sorts. In the wee hours of one morning, when we had been playing board games and chatting, painting fingernails and braiding hair, the topics of conversation began to weave its way towards some of the more intimate subjects. Our marriages, our temptations, our pasts. As we tentatively ventured into this unknown territory of true transparency, we began to realize something strange was happening. In a group of 8 of us, we each found that whatever we struggled with, whatever we had suffered in childhood, whatever pain we dealt with, someone else had "been there". No one shocked anyone else, no one was judged, and everyone came away with encouragement from someone else who had, at some point in life, walked a mile in their moccasins. It was simply awesome.

And so, do we really hide in fear for good reason? Or is the only thing to fear the fear itself?

Separation of Church and State, Part 2

I was talking with a friend a few days ago, we were wondering "if we are lifelong Christians, why is it that we no longer attend church?" We decided it is a reflection of our unwillingness to continue to box ourselves into acceptability in the church.

I grew up in the church, my spiritually formative years were spent in a grace-based charismatic church. There I, for the most part, felt accepted as I was, and valued for the person God had made me to be. Then I began dating my husband when I was 19. Because he was from a more conservative, legalistic background than my charismatic one, I assumed that he would want me to become more conservative and legalistic. I never actually asked him if he wanted me to change, but his family more-or-less expected me to attend their church, and that was where I learned to compartmentalize, for I discovered in that church how many aspects of myself were unacceptable.

So, let me re-emphasize, I never asked him what HE wanted, I just assumed that he wanted me to change, and he assumed I wanted to change. So into those pretty little boxes and onto those pretty little shelves went all the "radical" parts of myself. I did this for years (15 to be exact), until I was blue in the face from holding my breath, hoping no one would ever realize who I really was, what my political or spiritual or personal opinions were. I became shades of gray, neutral so as not to offend anyone. I would say what was expected of me, I would agree with the opinions that were expressed around me. (In another post we can psychoanalyze my "pleaser" personality, but not today.) I was a chameleon, changing to fit in with my environment.

So then what happened? Those pretty boxes on pretty shelves, in the dark recesses of my mind grew darker and louder like a festering wound. My "closets" became fuller and fuller, my mind became more muddled, more uncertain of where I ended and the evangelical church began. I became exhausted by this burden of suppressing who I really was, until I could no longer wear the costume (it was sweltering inside!), and all my neat little compartments had to come apart. It was like in those "Blondie" cartoons, when Dagwood opens the closet, it's is so full that everything in it tumbles out in an avanlanche.

Separation of Church and State, Part 1

and I'm not referring to American politics. It's the separation of our "church" self from our "state self" (From the American Heritage Dictionary…State: A condition of being in a stage or form, as of structure, growth, or development.) In other words, not allowing people to see the true condition (state) we're in, our true self, instead offering a church-self façade.

This is going to be a two-or-three-part post, because I have a lot to say on the matter.

This post by Chad over at Addison Road really got me today, titled "Church 101: Compartmentalization". I don't want to plagiarize, so I'll just say please, if you have the time, go over there and read the entire post before continuing here.

Disclaimer: I think my personal experience of "compartmentalization" might be a little different than Chad's. I believe he's referring more to hiding our sinful nature, our inner darkness. I agree, but would like to add to, for me personally it is more about hiding all the parts of my "authentic" self. I was taught that being "radical" and "liberal" was just as unacceptable in evangelical circles as being in any kind sin or having any kind of sin in my past. I believe it is symptomatic of the same problem...the problem of being taught we must live up to a certain precise model in order to be a good and respectable evangelical Christian.

I am going to quote his post in a few places in the following paragraphs, because he says it so much better than I can. His thoughts provide a backdrop to my story, and what he says in this post means a lot to me.

"Friends, I believe that the evangelical church is a perfect incubator for souls to grow adept and managing and separating different parts of their personality.

He continues…

"Those of us in who grew up in church have three options when it comes to (here comes one of my favorite phrases) getting out our ya-yas:

1) Full-scale rebellion
2) Full scale submission
3) Compartmentalization

Those are pretty self-explanatory, but for further info, see the original post. For me, 2 led to 3 led to 1. I submitted which forced me to compartmentalize, which eventually led to rebellion. That rebellion is the season I am coming out of, after swinging out far to the right then far to the left, I am now centering for the first time in my adult life. Marrying my personal self to my spiritual self. Learning how all the parts of me can co-habitate in peace and harmony

"The truly sad thing is that for those of us who are compartmentalizers, the part of our lives that is lived in the light is our projection of what we wish our true selves could be. There is genuineness in our deception, if you can get your brains around that one. We lie because we wish to spare those we truly love from pain.

Well, now, personally I'm not sure that everything I had hidden in little compartments was all bad. It was not necessarily stuff that was obviously sinful or evil, but simply things I believed or was told would be considered to be evil by those around me. (So what if I want to get my nose pierced or dye my hair purple? So what if I believe abortion should remain legal?) That, in effect, is how I chose to spare those I love from pain. I chose not to admit who I really was, instead putting on this costume of "righteous evangelical wife and mother", because I thought anything else would be unacceptable.

I now realize, too, that the "life I lived in the light of day" was not necessarily what I wish I could be. I lived a judgmental, self-righteous and self-serving life, under the guise of being a deeply spiritual woman. In my efforts to control who I was, to conrtol what others saw of me, I was also trying to tcontrol those around me. Yes, I looked a whole lot more together by evangelical standards than I do today, but I was working so hard to be better that I never saw how horrible of a person I had become.

Chad goes on the talk about how he has been "de-compartmentalizing" his life during the last 18 months, with the help of his wife. Well, that's a mirror for me, as well, though it's only been about a year.

In the interest of self-preservation, in other words, to prevent a total nervous breakdown, about a year ago I began to decompartmentalize (to steal the word from Chad)", allowing all those compartments to begin to be aired, to see the light of day. Interestingly enough, I found out that my husband, rather than being offended or shocked at "the real me", was totally thrilled. He has been nothing but supportive, and (I think) is more interested in me than ever before. He says now I am the woman he married, he doesn't know who I was trying to be, but he wants me to be me.

"The issue of compartmentalization, and the sobering reality of its grip on the Body of Christ, is a bigger threat than international terrorism, abortion, gay marriage, Santa Clause, and Harry Potter combined. We have our friggen priorities all messed up, and The Enemy is walking about like a roaring lion, stalking and consuming his prey.

The Gospel of Christ has fresh hope and renewed power for me this week. If this whole emerging thing serves as a place for people to become whole, to confess their deepest, darkest sins, be embraced in their brokenness by a community of believers, submit to the discipline of restitution (thanks for reminding me of that word, Doug), and emerge into the light of restorative grace, then we will indeed have struck a blow to the serpent’s head.

I give my praise wholly and only to Jesus Christ, the great physician."

Ditto! I can't say how big a problem this is, but I can tell when people are compartmentalized, and it's a gift I've been given that those people feel safe talking to me (now that I've decompratmentalized and it didn't kill me). It's then I am able to tell them that they are OK, that Jesus knows their secrets and he loves them, not in spite of their secrets but even with them!

More to follow.

Prophecy: Postscript

I'm no expert, and while my experience is pretty broad, it is still limited. I realize I do not have adequate knowledge or experience to accurately express and discuss my feelings on some of the subjects I have brought up here, so I often rely on those who do. Take this as meaning that many times I will find I can get behind something someone else has said more easily than addressing it myself. And sometimes I do address it, and then find someone else has done a better job.

This is one of those.

Brad Hightower at 21st Century Reformation has a new entry entitled "Reformed and Charismatic and The Central Role of Discipleship", I want to highlight a few points that are relevant to my feelings.

"The Corinthian problem was twofold:
1. They idolized those preachers who had the best rhetorical skills.
2. They judged one another’s spirituality by how powerful an individual’s spiritual gifting was. The one who spoke in tongues the loudest and the weirdest was considered more spiritual."

Yes and yes. I will raise my hand and admit I am guilty of both. Especially #2. A I knew that I was guilty of pride for the praise of the man in #2.

He continues...

• "With respect to excessive use of spiritual gifts in public, Paul knows that the root cause is self-centeredness and, therefore, he teaches the people about love. Paul is saying, “You are using spiritual gifts in order to display before others that you are spiritual. This is not the purpose of God’s Spirit and His gifts. The purpose of the gifts is love."

• "Charismatics need to examine their ministries and the motive of the heart. We need to admit that there really is a problem of fanaticism and egomania in the charismatic churches."

• "On the other hand, conservatives and Cessationists need to realize that to disallow prophecy and tongues in the church is not a true solution to the problem. This solution leads to a Christianity without power and without experience of God’s intimate care and concern for people."

There was no denying that I knew I was prideful, because of that little nagging anxiety I call conviction. I knew, and I refused to listen. I let logic dictate...it was hard to hear the "still small voice" when people around me, especially those more experienced and mature, were constantly praising my giftings, telling me how confident they were of me and how God had called me and how they respected me and asking me to pray for them and prophesy over them and give words to them because I'm so wise...

After all, I'm only human. Painfully so. All these people couldn't be WRONG, could they? There goes that logic. Well, they were wrong...wrong in the measure of the gifts they recognized in me, wrong in their emphasis they put on those gifts, wrong in the pressure they put on me to perform.

I realize I am to blame for their mistakes. I take full responsibility. I never once corrected them in their value of the wisdom God put in me. I relished and emphasized the gifts because they were playing deeply into my sense of self-worth. I never once stopped them and said "this isn't about me, quit looking at me and to me, look instead to the SOURCE."

I, fortunately or unfortunately, was unable to recognize my pride until I took a fall. Now that fall resulted in my out-of-church position I am in today, but I'm really not sure in retrospect that that is entirely a bad thing. What I have learned about the place of the manifestation gifts has dramatically changed.

The manifestation gifts are a bonus to our faith, they are not designed to be a central focus.

They are designed to point the way to the Saving Grace of Christ, they are never to be in the center ring of our evangelical circus.