The Boogeyman

"The Boogeyman" over at Emerging Grace today...and I posted a comment that she's "reading my mail"...

This is what I have spent the last year walking, crawling, sprinting, stumbling, digging, bailing, slogging through...

"Satan's subtle influence in our lives hinders us in very common ways, such as feelings and thoughts of fear, rejection, shame, unworthiness, not belonging, and self-hatred."

"... we conclude that the key to being accepted is to be different than we are. The false self, the mask, is our plan to save ourself from pain. But underneath the mask is the hurt that we've tried to cover and a constant fear of being exposed..."

I have spent the better part of my life trying to be different than I was. I had so many masks, I go to the point where I was no longer sure there was a "real me" under there anywhere. All my masks begn to crumble last year. I tried to hold them together; until I realized the ugliness of cracked and broken masks was worse than the ugliness underneath. I was left with no choice but to lay them down. Then I had to face friendships that couldn't accept me with my masks off, and a church that couldn't accept that I wasn't very nearly perfect. What many people did not realize is that the ugliness under the formerly "perfect" masks is only temporary, that the healing Jesus brought is so much more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.

She continues...

"how extremely afraid most people are of facing and exposing the areas of woundedness in their hearts, not understanding that confronting these lies is the key to their freedom and healing."

"The first step to being free of this darkness is to come out of hiding. Invite Jesus into the broken and unhealed places of your heart. Let God fill your heart with light until there are no more places that are blocked or hidden.

"Bringing things out in the open causes them to lose their grip on us. It is necessary to come out from hiding in order to let the healing begin."

This is the process that has set me free from the bondage of performance and expecatations. It wasn't always a pretty process, but when did Jesus ever say being human would always be pretty? I am beautiful now, after years, decades of walking in shame that I was never going to be "good enough" for the church and my churched friends and family. I was an expert in masks. I believed I was honest and transparent with myself, and others. I was in big-time denial.

The Lord told me about a year ago that He was going to strip me of everything I relied upon to define myself and my faith (i.e. my masks). He wanted to replace those things with the truth, as Grace puts it

"Your true self is the person God had in his thoughts when he created you. It is who you are before God - your worth, your value, what the Father sees in you."

It is somthing God has placed in me, to work with Him to set other women free from their masks. I am currently working with one woman in this exact area. In the process of helping others, I am beginning to complete my road to recovery.

I have had spiritual reconstructive surgery.

Kyle Lake

I did not know him, beyond recent blog mentions of his new book "(Re)understanding Prayer: A Fresh Approach to Conversation with God".

What I can say is this: probably 75% of the blogs I read daily spoke of him today, and I wanted to pass along my prayers for his family, loved ones and church.

I am truly saddened to hear of the passing of someone so young, so loved, and who meant so much to so many people.

Edit: Wanted to add this link to what Brian McLaren shares about Kyle Lake.

Longing to Return...Sort-of

Went to a gathering this weekend that included many of my church friends, some of which I have hardly had contact with since I "left". I like to tell people I'm "taking an indefinite leave-of-absence", I need to "regroup, reconstruct my faith in light of all that has happened in the last year or so". This seems to sit better with people than "I'm outta here". (And it is true. I probably...regrettably?...will, at some point, return.)

It was very surreal. It took a lot of guts to even go. I'm not sure why I was apprehensive; I guess I just feared the resurfacing of all the old pain (some of which was caused by some of these people). But it was an event that I didn't want to miss; I still feel loyalty to the people who were hosting it. And it went fine, was a little awkward at first. But I settled in, had some nice conversation, was glad to see people.

What I came away with, though, was thoroughly confusing to me. Part of me began crying out to go back...I miss that community, those people. This part of me said:

"Oh, just forget about all the pain, just walk away from all your recent changes. Go back and you will be welcomed in with open arms, and you will return to all those relationships you miss. Just don't rock the boat and everything will go back to the way it was."

I can't tell you how this scared me! I don't want to return because I miss people. I don't want to GO BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS...OR THE WAY I WAS. I don't want to cede all my growth to my need for community.

But I also realize, as I have said before I am not released. Maybe I will be released before I ever return, but at this moment, God says "don't burn any bridges." This drives me crazy, I want nothing more than to turn my back and march away from that institution as quickly as possible. I hate that this lack of release prevents me from joining any other community. I don't get what He's doing in me; I can't understand why He has me here.

I only have it in me to believe I am here (not just in existence, but in this place) for a reason and only for a season.

Lord, just let me hang on to what I have learned and how I have grown, and I will wait for You to reveal Your purpose.

Migraines

They are few and far between, but when they come, they floor me. Wasn't able to sit in front of the computer Saturday or Sunday. Might not be able to sit in front of it long enough today to post much. We'll see.

I have tried several prescription meds, but I can't keep most pills down due to the severity of my aura, and the side effects of the Imitrex injections are almost as bad as the headache (not to mention I can't load the darned thing when I can't see.)

I do, however, have pretty good luck with 800 mg of good ol' ibuprofen (prescription dosage - don't try it without your Dr.'s permission) and a pitch-black room. Haven't ever had to resort to morphine like some people I know, but maybe I am just a glutton for punishment.

Funny thing is, can't figure out the trigger this time. Usually I am pretty sure of the cause, this one didn't fit into any of my normal categories.

Oh well, onward and upward.

Lily needs...

Thought this was kinda funny...decided to try it.

According to Google...

1) Lily needs a survival guide because she's just starting out
2) Lily needs fertilizer
3) Lily needs to be re-potted
4) Lily needs some human interaction to survive
5) Lily needs to know why
6) Lily needs help with thunder-phobia
7) Lily needs to put the pedal to the metal
8) Lily needs to go through a rest period
9) Lily needs a Radio Flyer wagon
10) Lily needs to be permanently committed to an institution

Honorable mentions:

Lily needs to dry out between waterings (?!)
Lily needs a grown-up
Lily needs a new nightlight
Lily needs a nappy change (!)
Lily needs money to pay off her gambling debts
Lily needs to understand her behavior is bad for her health

The Bible, Shame, and Questions

I was having a discussion with a friend recently, and I confessed something to her. It's something I've rarely told anyone. It's a difficult thing to dare to bring up among evangelicals, but I'm going to talk about it her in hopes of eventually getting some feedback.

Here goes...the Bible makes me very uncomfortable, confused and ashamed, and I tend to want to avoid it whenever possible.

Now before you rush to any judgements, let me expand upon that. I love God's word and I believe it in it's entirety to be inspired and Holy. I know it contains food to sustain me, and I have had countless meaningful encounters with it. I believe it is alive, as I can read the same passage many times and get many different types of encouragement from it. I believe it to be one grand story (not in the fictional sense), an overview of God and His Plan.

I know it's not the bible that's the problem, it's the way I have been taught to read and understand it. Or the ways in which I have not been taught to read an understand it.

The truth is, I get so lost and frustrated because I just don't understand so much of it. I mean I understand the words and their meanings, but I often don't see how a particular passage or chapter fits in the grand scheme of things. I have tried a chronological bible, and it helped a little. I have surveyed the bible using various handbooks. I have employed tools such as Vine's, Nave's, Strong's, and Mathew Henry, to name a few.

I don't get why we practice some teachings and throw others out. I don't understand why God was so angry and vengeful in th OT and so loving and gracious in the NT. Why did God create us in the first place if He knew we'd fall? Why did He find it necessary to destroy His creation in a flood (if the Biblical account of the flood is literal, which I'm not even sure of.) How do we account for the scientific evidence of evolution against the Biblical account of creation? Do I always have to accept the Bible as literal truth? Is there any metaphor in it?

Now I know the answers to some of these things, because I do have the Holy Spirit to explain them to me, but I often don't see how the Bible answers these questions. Am I a hertic for even asking them?

What I do understand is so often used against me. I have been taught that my encounters with the Bible should always make me feel better. That even when I feel convicted, I should be thankful for that conviction? I'm sorry, but I'm never "thankful" for finding out how awful and evil I am. And that is the other thing, I've been taught that the Bible is a love letter, telling me what a miracle it is that God still loves me in my depravity. How twisted is that? That's supposed to make me feel good? I like to think He loves me WITH my sinful nature, not just in spite of it. After all, He created me, right?

Here's my other problem. I have been told countless times how the Bible will be a mystery to an unbeliever, but will become clear to one who is truly "saved", by the power of the Holy Spirit.

OK, so what does that make me?

See where the shame comes in? If I were truly saved, I would understand it, right?

In all my church-related activities there is constant conversation about the bible, right? And that's good, that's certainly one way I learn. But when comes my turn to share what I have been learning or how God has been speaking to me through the word, I stumble. I can either make something up, double-talk, or admit that the more I read it the more confused I get, the more questions I have.

I am led to believe that each encounter with God in the Bible should leave me with some new insight or wisdom, some new sense of peace or love, that all my questions should be answered. The truth is, the more I read the Bible, the less I understand God. I will read one verse, and spend an hour asking God questions about it, and sometimes He will answer which will lead to more questions. And so on and so forth. I rarely get definitive answers. What I do get is increased intimacy and relationship. And this is OK for me, but apparently not OK to my peers. I receieve many different suggestions and from people when I admit I am confused...I should read it more, take a class, have more faith, pray for understanding.

Why is it not OK to have questions? The more Bible I read, the more profound God seems and the more awed I am by His love. Why must we use the Bible as a tool to explain every facet of Chrstianity, and of life itself? Why can't we ever say that we "just don't know", or we "just don't understand"?

Why do we make those who admit that they don't always find all the answers in the Bible feel ashamed of that fact?

What I really need to do is deconstruct the way I have learned to relate to the Bible. I need to release myself from the expectations...the seeking of answers, the looking for absolutes...and the shame of not always finding those things.

Instead, I need to learn to embrace the mystery, the beauty and the majesty of the words which are the Breath of God.

Interesting Links

Just want to list a few articles/posts I've found interesting recently. To keep you busy whileI'm on my puppy- induced blog-diet.

Please, no more doing church for 'them' - Ryan Bolger

Imagine - Jordan Cooper

What is the Gospel? A No Logo Gospel - Scot McKnight
and related Thoughts on Branding - Brother Maynard
and What Brand are You? - Len Hjalmarson
and More No-Logo - Len Hjalmarson

What is the Gospel? Where do we Start? - Scot McKnight

The Parable of the Ice Cream Store - Darryl Dash

The Future is Invading the Present - Darryl Dash

The Fine Line - John O'Keefe

Why I am Emerging... - John O'Keefe

Uh-oh, seeing myself in an unflattering light...

Sherman Kuek...my response feels undoubtedly like conviction...although I like to think I fall into both categories, I now have clarification of which way to steer. I appreciate your insight and articulation.

Here's what he said...

Weeping Christians

Weeping Christians...have you met any?

The first category of weeping Christians may also be called "sulking Christians". They weep because the Church has hurt them so deeply. The Church has manipulated them. The Church has abused them. The Church has lied to them. The Church has cheated them. And they cannot get over it. And no matter how many local congregations they move to, there never seems to be one congregation that is able to help them to recover their place in the community anymore. Because they have been hurt too deeply, and they fear being hurt all over again. No, they cannot get over it...and it is unreasonable of anyone to expect them to get over it. Their favourite phrase is "But you don't understand..."

The second category of weeping Christians are those who weep over the imperfect state of the Church. They see a wounded people struggling helplessly to find healing. They cry over an injured Body that has somehow never been able to recover its strength to rise above the drowning currents of the world. They mourn over a people that has lost their sense of calling. Despite their tormenting pain for the Church, they foolishly refuse to define themselves apart from the Church. Some cry in repentance because they see themselves as contributive factors to the problem. They persist in weeping day and night, agonising over the pain of the Church, crying out, "Lord, heal my people". They are too busy weeping for the Church there is no time to weep for themselves.

Weeping Christians...both so similar, yet so different. Have you met any?

A Question about Transformation

A couple days ago Mark Bushor was talking about metamorphosis and the Butterfly.

Particularly Romans 12:2 (as he quotes it) "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed (metamorphosis) by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

This reminds me of the season I've been in. I think I posted earlier about the "vision" God gave me at the beginning of this season of my life. I was a caterpillar, spinning my coccoon, which I would be inside for a time, and when I emerged, I would be transformed into a butterfly.

While I have understood the metaphor for the most part, one thing has puzzled me...why the coccoon? Can I not be transformed by the sheer will of God? What need does He have to confine me?

I think I have realized just now that I had to be locked up with all my demons...all my evil and depraved humanity...I had to wrestle them - make war with them - in confinement. I could not have anyone other than God assist me, it had to be my victory alone. Not in a selfish sense, but in that I had to fight, alone with my evil, terrified; and I had to win so I could own and claim the victory. Realizing how ugly this fight really was, it would not have been pretty in the company of friends. They would not have allowed me to fight at all, for fear I would lose, or they would not have wanted to watch.

I don't know if I'm making any coherent sense to you, but to me this is quite profound. I wonder if our true transformation, the one we desperately seek from the moment of conversion, doesn't come until we are forced to be locked up and really wrestle our demons. In spite of the risk associated when having to face our flesh in all it's depravity and having to deconstruct our faith accordingly...

...the greatest fear being going willingly one day into that confined place, that coccoon, with God, and allowing Him (above all others) to see our true nature.

The greatest joy and thrill to, in awe, discover that not only did He know the depth of our depravity all along, but...He loves us still and even more.

...And now I am fully formed and fighting to escape. Lord, set me free...

Fear Hermeneutics

Leighton Tebay today discusses "Fear, the Bible and Homosexuality".

I am more interested in the approach to the issue than I am the right-or-wrong of it. He makes some interesting points. I've bolded the points that spoke the most to me.

"...One of the most important things to remember when studying the bible is to know who you are and what your potential biases are.

...We can't approach the bible with a hermeneutic of fear. Many evangelicals are afraid of becoming liberals. For them accepting homosexuals is the primary gateway to liberalism and heresy.

...They believe that through each ethical compromise the church descends down the slippery slope to moral corruption and irrelevance. This may be true of a lot of things but living in this fear does not help us interpet the bible. There are a number of perceived moral compromises which turned out to be very good. The Anglicans couldn't handle the Methodists preaching outside. In the era of slavery the south had a far stronger biblical case than the abolishionists. For many the defence of slavery was considered a defence of the authority of the bible much like the issues of women in leadership and homosexuality are today.

...The bible has become a pawn between competing world views rather than an authoritative source of truth. What would it look like if we took an honest look at scripture and accepted it for what it says despite the ramifications. Maybe the authors of scripture say something we don't like. "

I think this describes very well where I am at with today's issues. I was absolutely terrified of becoming a liberal Christian; I was a "closet liberal", if you will. I only recently gained the confidence (or insolence) to begin to admit where I stand. That's not necessrily saying I am poltically liberal, but I disagree with much of the "conservative evangelical" approaches to political and moral issues.

The tension should be "Does the Bible really make a definitive point, and if so, what is it and is it still pertinent?", rather than "How can we use the Bible to support/refute any given political issue?"

Spiritual Boundaries and Territory

I've been thinking about the ways in which I overstepped my spiritual boundaries in the last year or so. In August 2004, I heard a powerful and timely teaching about boundaries and the consequences of overstepping them. Interestingly enough, I failed to recognize myself in that area. You know what I mean...it was one of those times when I sat and thought, "I know that trap, I would never do that, I'm smart enough to avoid it".

I love how pride tastes in the moment. I hate how pride tastes when I have to vomit it up.

I think the previous 4 years or so, God was trying to get me to step forward, out into my spiritual territory. It was like I had this huge backyard, but I was afraid to leave the house. He tried to entice me for years to explore the yard, and I was tentative at first, but became bolder as I began to realize that nothing in the yard could hurt me, because God had given me permission to be there.

It was when I began to develop the grass-is-always-greener syndrome that I got into trouble.

About a year ago, I began to want what my "neighbor" had (a certain ministry or gift etc.). I began to think "Well, if he/he gets to have that, then why shouldn't I? I'm a good, strong Christian, too. What can it hurt?" Jealousy. Pride. Rebellion. Yuck. Double yuck!

I began to make ministry decisions for myself. I would ask the Lord, "should I participate in that?", wanting the answer to be "Yes". When I didn't get "Yes", I decided I just wasn't hearing God accurately. If whatever it was seemed logical, well, there you go. Now that should have been a clue to me. DUH! If I was wasn't hearing God accurately, maybe I shouldn't proceed. Maybe I should take the time to find out why I'm not hearing Him. We don't deal with logic and the wisdom of men, we deal with the Spirit of God, the great mystery, and His wisdom, which often looks nothing like, nor submits itself to, the wisdom of men.

Darn it, hindsight is so 20/20.

And so I proceeded to march right out of the territory God had given me permission to be in (my backyard), and right into enemy territory. I was so spiritually overextended that I went nearly bankrupt. I was doing so much for the "Lord" in the church that I was neglecting my faith, my family, my marriage and my morality. I kept marching, like a faithful soldier, until one day I looked around and realized the scenery was no longer familiar. I was so far from home I didn't even know which way to go. So I wandered around for a bit, taking in the sights, wandered a bit further, imbibed a little, and eventually began to enjoy the "benefits" of being out of my spiritual backyard. That's when I saw satan. Not literally "saw", but saw the fruits of his work in my life. Satan quickly began to chase me, and for awile I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off, in circles, until I caught scent of my path home.

I was so scared that I retreated way back into my furthest territory, closest to my Daddy, but away from all I had ever learned about Him. I had to start my faith anew, nearly at the beginning. "In the begining was the Word..."

And here I am, tentatively putting one foot in front of the other, but this time paying careful attention to my General and the marching orders He gives me.

I do not, nor ever will, know better than God. God is God and I am not.

Sorry I was absent yesterday...

...had to thoroughly clean the house/yard because we were having company.

Also, we got a puppy last week, and she is pretty time consuming at the moment. So if my posting is a little scarcer than usual, now you know why. I'm sure my posting frequency will return to normal as soon as we get the housetraining mastered.

Answers and Humility

Been thinking more today about my previous post. I guess to sum it up; I want to know where I belong. Somehow, I just don't seem to have the answer to that. Maybe the problem is I am not close enough to God to hear Him right now. Maybe I am hard of hearing or have developed selective deafness (you know, like when you tell your kids to do something they don't want to do and they say they didn't hear you). But I think it's He's just not providing the answer. Maybe I have more to learn about Him out-of-church before He sends me back. Maybe He knows I'm just not ready. Maybe I'm supposed to decide for myself. Maybe I need to pray about it more, or maybe I just need to buck up and go back.

Who knows? But knowing Him, I'm sure He has something to say about it. Either I'm just not getting it...or maybe it's not what He says but what He doesn't say. Maybe the message is in His silence.

But now I'm wondering (re: my previous post) if I really want ANSWERS. I'm beginning to realize there are at least two types of questions: fact and feeling. A fact question would be "what is the capital of the US?", in other words, there is no debatable answer. Well I guess you could say that it USED to be NYC, now it is DC, but still, there is a factual answer. A feeling question is like "why do bad things happen to good people?", where if you were to ask 10 people, you would get 10 different answers, and none could be PROVEN to be true, they would all be based on people's feelings and experiences.

I used to think questions of church and the bible and faith were "fact" questions, i.e. there was little debatable about the right answer. I have, of course, migrated to the position that MOST of the church/bible/faith questions are "feeling" questions, i.e. there are a variety of available answers, and most cannot be proven. Most of these questions should result in a "I feel" or "I believe" answer, not a "I know" answer.

Anyhow, I want to be a person that consists mostly of "feeling" answers. Of course, there are answers I believe to be factual and true. Who created the universe? Who is my Savior? Then there's the question of the infalliblity and authority of Bible. Here we will have both a fact and a feeling answer. Is it fact? Of course. Is it subject to interpretation based on feelings? Yes.

I don't want to subscribe to so many "facts" that I am inflexible about my faith. I want answers that lead me to more questions. I want my questions to be part of a journey, always moving towards something more intimate with God. Not a destination, a place where when I get there I will believe I've "arrived".

In other words, I don't want answers about my present faith journey. I want suggestions and movements and ideas that lead me along, one step at a time.

And with that, I am slowly ceasing to believe that my opinions are any kind of truth. Instead I am beginning to realize my opinions are just that, opinions. I will continue to share them, but I'm hoping they will lead to more questions, either through you or through me.

I don't have the answers, and I don't want to.

Fear and Shame

I have spent most of the last week thinking about fear. I am realizing this obvious point: I am afraid of returning to my church. I know I'm not the only one who has walked this road or felt this way. What I don't know is what to do about it. I have been trying to articulate some questions for myself.

1) Am I afraid of being hurt again by friends and people who say they care about me only to not be there when I need them? Or am I just bitter about those hurts?
2) Am I afraid that my new freedom in Christ won't be well received among my friends and leaders? Or am I afraid I will return to conformity?
3) Am I prideful for feeling as though I have ventured out and moved further than my friends and leaders who are still so evangelically narrowminded, for wanting to speak my mind about what I have learned and how we have "missed the point", for wanting to initiate and diagram movement and change in my spiritual peers?
4) Do I still feel ashamed that my need for spiritual growth has led me out of the church, against all the spiritual fiber in me that says being out is akin to being backslidden?
5) Am I ashamed for walking away from the ministries and people I loved and was involved with, just because I was seeking to have my needs met?


6) The most difficult questions: Am I afraid of finding that I really am changed and can no longer go back to the "way things were"? Instead must I continue on this road that has brought me so much pain and so much joy but also has been so confusing?
7) Or am I afraid of moving forward into the "postmodern matrix", into a new community, then realizing it is not right for me either and therefore being forced with the terrifying prospect of confronting how lost I really am?

I think that last one is the real kicker. What if I find out that joining a pomergent church does not fit my spirituality any better? It's the fear of the unknown...I can return to the known that made me miserable or I can venture out into the unknown and maybe be spiritually fulfilled or maybe continue to be miserable.

I could only hope that if I move out into a new community of faith, if it doesn't prove to be the answer, maybe at least they would be so much more willing to lead me and gracious enough to love me into the answers I seek.

Can I take that chance?

Parable of the Train, Part 4: Fly Like an Eagle

You tell them that you disagree with the way they throw people of the train for making mistakes. They say they can't have nonconformists among them. You ask them to show you in the manual where it says you have to take the train to heaven. They tell you that's the way it's always been done; there is no other way. You realize they aren't answering your concerns.

Your friends tell you they will pray for you but they cannot remain in relationship with you if you jump. When you try to explain to them it doesn't say in the manual you that we have to take the train, some people call you heretical. They tell you that the birds have no accountability, no leadership to guide them and keep them in line. They just fly all over the place, with no real sense of absolutes.

You think carefully about what they said. You become increasingly frustrated with the train. You're watching out the window as another renegade jumps off the train. Then you notice something you never saw before: a white light, shining as they fall. You don't see them land on the ground, and then it occurs to you…the birds! When people leave the train, they sometimes grow wings.

Suddenly, you're kicking and screaming for them to let you out! They try to sedate you, convince you that you are only having a bad "season" and if you jump, you'll regret it. "But I want to be free! I want to fly!" you shout. "I don't like it here anymore!" you say. You shut our eyes as you are jumping out the door.

Suddenly everything is quiet.

"Did I die?", you think. You slowly open your eyes. Startled, you realize you are floating, soaring even, above the train. You have wings!

Soon, a flock comes by and asks if you'd like to fly with them. You realize you're finally free.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

Comments

It absolutely floors me that one little > can completely annihilate a section or feature of my blog like the "comments". Shouldn't the coding be able to read my mind? I mean, it was OBVIOUS there should've been a > there. Do I have to think of every little detail?

So if you wondered why my comment link was missing...it's not because I became frightened of hearing what you have to say.

Blame it on the bracket.

Firefox vs. IE

Ok, here's the thing. Seeing as how I'm not terribly skilled at html/css stuff, I have to say one thing. I create my Blog in Firefox, and the coding doesn't always translate well to IE. I don't have the time or skill to make sure it appears correctly in IE. Maybe someday. If you're worried about it, you can pray for me. If you want to know why you should switch (besides viewing my blog correctly), visit Firefox or SpreadFirefox.

Otherwise...if my Blog looks weird in InternetExplorer, too bad. Switch to Firefox. You'll be glad you did.

The Dying Church

Darryl Dash on Dying Church:

"Starting this site was a bit of a milestone for me. I was at a conference and something snapped. I'm not sure why, but I had a kairos moment. Instead of trying to make church better, maybe churches had to do the opposite - to get out of the way to let God move.

I wasn't sure what this meant, but I'm not alone. I'm pretty sure that God is behind a divine discontent that is sweeping across western Christianity today. Reggie McNeal talks about people quitting the church not because they are giving up on their faith, but to preserve their faith."

That's exactly what I've been trying to tell people around me...that we aren't succeding at making church better by our own endeavors, and that I can't be in the church right now and still hope to preserve any sense of authentic faith.

I so appreciate him articulating that for me.

via Subversive Influence

Parable of the Train Part 3: Winds of Change

One day, you become bored. You move to a new part of the train or to a new train altogether. At first your perspective seems novel and new, you are among different people, maybe looking out of an east-facing window instead of a west-facing one. Eventually you discover that the differences are only surface. You will still be sitting in a seat looking out a window at stunning scenery, hearing the same instructions and talking about the same things, day after day. You realize that change does not come easily, frequently, or permanently as long as you are on a train.

You do not have opportunities to see new perspectives, you do not have to take any risks, and therefore you see no character development, no personal movement. Although being on the train is movement of sorts, you tend to find at the end of the day that today you are just like you were yesterday, and tomorrow you will be no different. The questions begin: "Why did I park myself in the stability, reliability, and predictability of the train?" "Why was I content to get on board and sit down and wait for the train to get me to my destination?"

It's subtle at first, you will think about the freedom of green grass, blue sky, or rivers, lakes, and oceans. Oh, but no one can know the dangers that lurk in those places. You shudder in fear. "What if I am are exposed to some strange disease?" "What if I begin to enjoy freedom?", you wonder and worry.

You hang your head out the window; take in the view and the fresh air. Then you chastise yourself. Your conductor is one of the very best, and you should have complete faith in his/her ability to bring you safely to your destination. Besides, you love your fellow passengers, and would miss them terribly if you ever left.

Then you see a flock of birds, flying in formation, soaring in the wind. WOW, you think, do they have it made! They can go anywhere, and although they are with the same flock a great deal of the time, they also will mix with other flocks from time to time. They get to see the world, but are not afraid of it or impacted by it. They are aloft, far above the ground, not pulled by gravity as the rest of us are.

What happens next? Stay tuned.

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Parable of the Train Part 2:The Methods and the Madness

You are an excellent passenger. You take your meals on time, you never miss an opportunity to assist others on the train, you listen carefully to the conductor's instructions, and you make many friends. You enjoy that each day presents new scenery, but you are still safely on the train. You can appreciate the outside world from your window seat, knowing you do not have actually go out there into the wild world. Occasionally a few people will disembark in hopes of convincing more people to board your train, and you wish them well, but you are thankful you don't have to go to the outside and evangelize the merits of the train.

On occasion, someone decides not to follow the instructions. Everyone warns them that the instructions must be followed in order to remain on the train. You inform them that if they don't follow the instructions, they endanger the safety of the rest of the passengers, and they will be asked to disembark. If they continue to disobey, everyone asks them nicely to leave. If they refuse to leave, there is no other choice than to throw them off. Of course, you will pray for them, not knowing that the injuries they will sustain in their fall will prevent them from ever wanting to board another train again. It's not your problem now, and they were warned.

Once in a rare while, someone goes a little psychotic and tries to jump off the train. You hold onto them, but sometimes lose your grip. Then you can only pray for their safety in the big-bad-world. Why would anyone ever want to leave the train? It's safe, it's destination driven, and it's predictable.

You venerate your place on the train because it means you are among the "privileged ones". The people outside the train will never find your destination; there is no other way to get there. Occasionally, you yell out the window, to the people on the outside, "Come on board or you'll regret it!", but rarely does anyone new climb aboard.

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Oh boy...the tears...

Found the following via a post by Brother Maynard, which is a post I had seen but not really payed careful attention to until Cindy Bryan highlighted it today.

This is a long one, but worth it.

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Yasmin Finch:The Missing Ones (which she credits to Naomi). Wow. WOW! This is my pain, my heart, my journey. The tears I have shed this evening over this post...the raw and tender place in me...to be one of the missing ones, in the brambles, bleating for my life...and having seen Christ come after me...not the people whom I served, not the people who I loved who loved me, not the pastors who mentored me, but only Jesus himself has chased me down and fished me out and tended my wounds. I thank Him with all my heart, for I am now on the mend and I have an intimacy and a hope that I never knew before...to know the nobody that I am and that He still came after me...and I know to Whom I owe my life...I'm speechless. Thank you so much...Naomi, whoever you are...for finding words that express this.

Now I am able to realize, as I cry...wipe my eyes and nose so I can type, please forgive my typos...the missing piece for me is that I have not yet grieved. I must choose to now allow myself to grieve in order to let go. This is the missing link in my post titled "What's My point". I can't really get to the point...I will continue to run in cirlces...until I grieve what I have lost...not that it's such a horrible loss in the big picture, for now I am open and free...but it's a loss nonetheless to be away from the place I believed I was "supposed to be". I have felt relief and been able to finally stretch my wings, but I have not cried for the seat I no longer fill in the place I "belonged".

I'm not going to blockquote just because this is such a long quote and I don't want it to take up any more space than it has to...quote is from this point forward. The bold points are my emphasis.

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MISSING

"What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost". Matthew Chapter 18v12-14

I don't think I ran away. I tried so hard not to. I don't think I stood at the edge of the cliff and decided to scramble down, away through brambles and thicket to some remote and inaccessible ledge. I come from a big family and I'm afraid of heights, so what would I be doing down there all alone? But as I stir my tomato chutney whilst my family are in church, it feels like I am lost. Its Sunday morning, and I'm not where I should be, and I don't know where I am. This place wherever it is, when I look at it more closely, is a sad place, a place where you could drift off, untethered, like an exile with nowhere else to go, apart from away. This is where I live now, but it’s not my home.

In all other aspects of my life, I am a home bird. I don't bake my own bread, but people know where I am; the door is always open, the kettle always on. I'm one of those people who join the dots up: I know everyone there is to know - I'll eat with anyone, I share my friends, and no-one goes home empty-handed. What do I lack? I have everything: a lovely partner, beautiful children, cheery house, great friends, wonderful family, steady job, decent money, a sure faith. If you were to look at me everything looks absolutely fine. Tip top. There are only a handful of people who know that I am missing.

If you asked people at my church, the church I attended for over seven years, the church I gave 20 hours a week to, volunteering with the youth work - camping, catering. teaching, talking, sharing, servicing, the first one to open up, the last one to leave. If you were to ask people in my church where I was, what they would say? I get the feeling I might be known as 'collateral damage', or that I have 'opted out'. I get the feeling that people are moving on, getting Alpha-ed up, getting over it, getting on with it. I get the feeling that for every wound and every hurt, there's a sticking plaster on offer, and nothing that time won't heal. I'd like to look at those sticking plasters. I understand that for a couple of months they were even doing sermons about them. But no-one's actually given me one, so I don't know what they're like, and I don't know if they work.

All I know is that I got to the point where I had seen as much as I could handle, and I had to get out for my own safety. Or sanity.

So, let's take a look at the sheep. Let's keep the number at I00. Well, sheep are more complex than you think. There are lambs, there are ewes, there are rams. What kind of sheep are you? It wasn't just about grazing and growing, though there was some of that. There was butting and battling, and shoving and pushing. When I think about the damage that was done I really can't be sure, whether it was just fencing being broken, and flower-beds being trampled, or whether there were sheep being injured, whether there was real blood-letting. I really couldn't say for sure that there was a wolf in sheep's clothing there, but it felt as if there could have been - such was the chaos. Maybe when the fence went down, I fell onto the other side, and that's how I got lost. I know I saw boundaries which should have remained in tact, fall apart and break down, and not it a good way.

Where's the Good Shepherd when you need him? He just didn't seem to be present in a collective sense. Really, we were bleating like mad, and we just couldn't see him. It’s not as if we wouldn't have recognised his voice, we all know what he sounds like otherwise we wouldn't be here! What I saw instead were people clinging onto their personal knowledge of him, like dreaming of a feather duvet when you're sleeping out in the cold - just enough to get you through the night. But not enough to help you make a plan or solve the puzzle to get you back into the warm. Not enough to team together and build a shelter and send some out for firewood and some out for water and some out for food. Not enough for all that.

Where was he? We needed him?

I've been struggling you know, to make room for some quiet time, for prayer. I thought when I ditched the church that I'd have some Super Duper prayer time to make up for my losses. But it's hard to pray when you're as angry as I am. Where to start? Where to understand God's forgiveness for me is synonymous with my forgiveness of others? I can't begin to take that in. If you've sussed that one, let me know, I can't. At the moment it seems way beyond my grasp.

As I'm stirring my tomato chutney, counting up my losses, and feeling all but forgotten, I remember the story of the lost sheep. I had NEVER considered myself to be the one, I had ALWAYS counted myself in with the ninety-nine. But in my moment of loss, of seeing once more, the pain as well as the anger, I realise in a new way that my Good Shepherd will come looking for me. And that he will come and find me in my muddy thicket (because I’m that kind of sheep all tangled up in brambles, not dangling off the edge), and all I can do to help him is bleat. How wonderful, that he will leave those other sheep to look for me, just crappy little