Thinking...

...about what I want to say here. It's funny, most of my life when I've sat down to the computer (or typewriter or pen and paper) and started writing, it seems that it just flows. Now maybe I take my gift of words for granted, but since I'm out here in the big bad world instead of my safe little MSWord Doc, I find myself worrying about what comes out when I type. It's not so much that I worry about what people think, I'm not afraid of putting my foot in my mouth or being corrected. I just suddenly wonder if anything I have to say is worth this little piece of real estate in cyberspace. I guess I'll find out.

I'm not sure what it is the Lord has ushered into my life the last 6 months or so, but I feel like I have spent this time spinning a spiritual cocoon, like God has been gently cutting me off from all the things by which I normally define my faith. This is forcing me to rely solely on Him, and when I emerge I will no longer be confined to the space where I have "grown up", but instead will have wings of my own. I guess you COULD say maybe the coccoon is my own work, isolating myself from the people and place that have wounded me, but I honestly didn't see myself as wounded at the time this all began, just slightly disillusioned. The "wounded" part is another story, which I will save for later.

In any case, I'm certain it's my fault in some ways. I know that I busied myself with church activities in search of some fulfillment or sense of worth. I know I took on that "one more thing" that God told me not to. I mean, after all, I'm serving the CHURCH, why would He NOT want me to do that? There I go, hearing God with my logic instead of my spirit. I know that "one more thing" put me over the edge. I was instantly spiritually exhausted, if such a thing is possible. I did fail, on at least one occasion, to be the watchman (watchwoman?) that I am, and I crashed. Or shall I say, He took me out?

In these 6 months, I have had the amazing experience of gaining validation for my own voice. Much of this validation came through the people who give so much of themselves and their experience and wisdom through a platform called the "blog", the rest through the books their blogs led me to; and from my husband and a few close friends who are willing to engage with me.

I have primarily been a pew-warmer, at least until the last few years when I chose to reverse the trend and get in way over my spiritual head. When I did become more involved, it was maybe akin to a newlywed couple when the proverbial "honeymoon" is over. As I got deeper into serving in the church, I began having these nagging-if-faint doubts. I guess I had never been that close to the inner-workings of a small-city-sized "megachurch", and I became increasingly confused by what I saw. Then a lightbulb moment...it was run like a city! When I balked out loud, I was told not to "throw the baby out with the bathwater". And that every church has problems. And that this church does so much good for so many people. And that rather than raising a fuss I should allow the Holy Spirit to convict leaders of areas that need improvement. But really, does saying it isn't right for Pastors not to have time to counsel their sheep negate all the good the church has ever done? And why shouldn't I raise a ruckus? It's my church, too. Isn't it?

So, I simply began to say that things in this church as it exists don't seem to work for me anymore. Suddenly, many of the voices around me were saying I've "gone astray", I've "fallen away", I'm a "heretic", I have a "critical spirit" etc. etc. But thanks to some "cybershepherds", I have found as many voices saying "you're not crazy", "you're not a heretic", and this has meant so much to me.

So you might wonder why I didn't just seek another body. Well, it's complicated, but stems from the fact that while my husband was (and is) supportive of my journey, he is still called to serve and be connected at our church. I'm afraid I can't argue that, I concur. And suffice to say, I am not certain I am released to jump ship (even though some days I wish I was). And we have these relationships, as do our kids, relationships that I'm afraid would struggle to understand if we were to leave. So I guess you could say I'm on hiatus until I can either re-fit myself into this place or my husband and I feel jointly released. There is another body in our area that my husband and I have felt drawn to, but since we have minor geographic issues and they have big (small?) space issues, we haven't visited yet.

Oh, and just in case you were wondering, I am from a spiritually multidenominational background, and to the best of my knowledge I'm still headed to heaven, thank you very much. I won't start on that just yet.

Thanks for listening.